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[nines_the_squal]

I feel so unwelcome everywhere i go,
I am so fucking tired of that.
I just want to curl up in a cave and live there forever.
And when they fuck with my shit I am going to destroy everything they know and love, so they too can share my feelings. I shall give them all the gift of despair.

Comments

[0nm10wn2feet]

Ok, forget the other comments I left, they were basically pointless anyway. I want you to know, exactly, how the whole 'tarot card,' lack of trust business came about. It isn't that we don't TRUST you. I don't pay any attention to what the cards say after the first two or three yes/no readings - because my cards get pissed off if you ask too many questions on the same subject. They've always been that way. But Jess was trying to make a point about how important it was to her that you come over for the film festival and she didn't think clearly about how she was going about it. Instead of helping you see how badly she wanted you to come, she succeeded in making you believe that you are not welcome here. We JUST went through that a couple weeks ago and I thought then that you understood that she is not the best PRIMARY source of information about the rest of the household. I certainly realized that, when she says anything about you, I will have to take it with a grain of salt until I can talk to you personally.

Sweetie, you need to understand what's going on here. First of all, I only did those readings at Jessa's insistence. Jess only insisted because Steven and Mark have been on her case about hoping for something that, in their eyes, will probably never happen. They see your return as not happening because, frankly, you're not the first 'resident alien' that's walked away from here. You would, however, be the FIRST to come back, or even give a shit once you got home. No one else who left with all their stuff has maintained contact with us. When we didn't hear much last week, we were getting the feeling that maybe things weren't so different after all.

Jess did what she had to do to hold onto whatever hope she had. When she heard about the hair, she took that VERY badly. She seemed utterly stunned that you would do something that drastic without even talking to her or telling her yourself. That's when she came up with the idea to chop TWO FEET off hers. I only hope that SOMEONE can convince her not to do something so DRASTIC. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want the job - I wouldn't blame you if you wanted nothing more to do with us. But you have to understand that turning your back and walking away will seem, especially to Steven, just like EVERYONE else who's ever lived here with us. Look at it; Nik only calls when he needs something. Brandon didn't contact me for an year after the last time he moved out. Maureen only calls once a month or so. Will NEVER calls here. Brad and Jess W. NEVER call here.

Do you understand now how amazing it would be if you really DID come back??? Yeah, you SAID you'd be back ... so did everyone else, ok? Yeah, you are all about honesty ... but I once thought others were too. It would be the complete opposite of everything we (as a family) have ever experienced with a former resident for you to come back here, either for visits OR to live here again. NOW, can you understand where we're coming from?

For Jessa's sake, I've tried to keep the faith. I've tried to make myself believe that you ARE different from all the others. I'm still trying. After all, hope springs eternal, as they say. But to read a post like this and realize that it really is directed toward us simply makes me feel more like I am the first person to have been gifted with the despair you wish for us all. I thought I tried really hard to make you feel at home here, but I guess I failed at that, too.

I guess that's all I had to say. I'm hoping to hear from you, but, like I said in the email, if I don't, then your silence will speak louder than all the shouting we generate here at "angst central." I hope the mama and puppies are doing well and that things don't get too hectic for you there. Be warned, whether or not I hear from you, you will still be getting something at Christmas ... I've already ordered 1/2 of it. Take care, be safe and careful, and know this: I LOVE YOU.