(no subject)
Just when I got everything all fucking figured out, right, something comes along and fucks it all up!
I don't remember a time when I wasn't attracted to at least girls. As far back as I can remember I've had crushes, silly ass shit I very rarely motivate myself to pursue because even though I can usually pick out those special ones, the idea of actually being with them is now a foreign concept. Some kind of higher plateau I can't reach because I'm a filthy bastard or too chickenshit loving, whichever it may be.
Often I wish I could erase the part of that craves that companion. It's a part of me I never knew existed, but the more I look back, the more it becomes apparent that my entire lovelife has been a pussyfooted stumble through the proverbial sea of fishes looking for the one that matches me. That's not to say I don't sincerely love anyone. It's just that you can only trust someone who's feelings may not be entirely platonic so far. No matter how sincere, no matter how much control or just cowardice that person has holding them back from those that don't mean quite as much. And you can't just pursue a romantic side with everyone you're friends with. It does sound fun, but it doesn't work past theory. It's this entirely dramaticised, half-in half-out stupid shit that systematically destroys many of my relationships, platonic and romantic. Most particularly those special ones, who hurt the most.
That being said, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything. I just wish it didn't come with the horrible self-realization.
And I wish it didn't come with a special one.
I don't remember a time when I wasn't attracted to at least girls. As far back as I can remember I've had crushes, silly ass shit I very rarely motivate myself to pursue because even though I can usually pick out those special ones, the idea of actually being with them is now a foreign concept. Some kind of higher plateau I can't reach because I'm a filthy bastard or too chickenshit loving, whichever it may be.
Often I wish I could erase the part of that craves that companion. It's a part of me I never knew existed, but the more I look back, the more it becomes apparent that my entire lovelife has been a pussyfooted stumble through the proverbial sea of fishes looking for the one that matches me. That's not to say I don't sincerely love anyone. It's just that you can only trust someone who's feelings may not be entirely platonic so far. No matter how sincere, no matter how much control or just cowardice that person has holding them back from those that don't mean quite as much. And you can't just pursue a romantic side with everyone you're friends with. It does sound fun, but it doesn't work past theory. It's this entirely dramaticised, half-in half-out stupid shit that systematically destroys many of my relationships, platonic and romantic. Most particularly those special ones, who hurt the most.
That being said, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything. I just wish it didn't come with the horrible self-realization.
And I wish it didn't come with a special one.