Aardvark is a funny word.
Well, it's 9:42 AM on a Wednesday. This means it is third period. But, as you might have ventured to guess, I am not in class. In fact I am not even in the media center. You might be able to tell this from the fact that this site is not school- or research-related and the library Nazis probably could not be convinced that it is such. Which is understandable, really.
Fair is fair I suppose.
Then again, I think playing on the computers at school can be a much better use of time than some of the things we are "supposed" to be doing there. Definitely, it would be better to do that than to sit and stare at the World War-age political posters on the wall in fifth period every day. ("I Wish I Were A Man -- I'd Join the Navy!", "You Can Do It!", and an unrelated poster that I made in her English last year that says, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau" and is covered with bold scraps of textured construction paper, which is actually made for matting pictures before they're framed, arranged in a particular fashion as to make it appear an image of a sailboat on an ocean with a sunset in the background.) That is when I come to the media center to find something to do, because I am an assistant. I actually usually really feel like I need to get out of that room, because I find the experience of sitting in there mildly depressing sometimes. My chair is in a position so that no matter how I move myself, I am in somebody's way. If I move to the left a little, people run into me as they walk by. If I move to the right, Mortek can't get around her desk. The table behind me has a computer, which I could use, but it's the front of the classroom and I'd rather not have people looking over my shoulder, and I'd prefer not to have my back to everybody. And I never do anything important in there, so I'm just taking up space. In a way, I feel bad about leaving to the library every day, but there's never anything to do in the classroom, so I have to go find some other way to amuse myself. I think it does people a favor anyway, really, because then everyone's not running into me.
The smart thing to do in this situation might be to work on something. But most of the time, I don't have anything to work on for school. What really need work are my room, my bathroom, my kitchen, the organization of the files on my computer, my physique, and the yard. And it's pretty hard to work on any of those things from the media center, so I usually find myself doodling in a notebook, text messaging Rider, reading a book, or going on the computer and trying to make it look like I'm doing something important, when it would be much more fun, and usually more brain-engaging, to play games or to blog. And this is why I argue in favor of the liberty to do useless, unproductive, low-risk-for-viruses things on the computers at school.
I am a person who likes to make lists, and plan things out. I am not, however, a person who likes to carry out those plans. This can be a problem. I have notebooks with many lists of things to do, things I want to buy, things I have bought, things to consider, things I've thought about, inspirational things, decorative things, problematic things. I have scraps of paper that float around my room with lists on them. I have lists in my journal. I have lists on my computer of things I need to do. I have lists of things *not* to do. I have at least one list of lists I should dispose of, or lists I've lost track of and should find again before someone else does. I have lists of lists. I was trying to figure out why I am like this. They are easy to make and they give me a plan of action. They can help me keep track of things or sometimes they can help me to feel motivated to accomplish something. I think I sometimes feel that making a list is the first step in accomplishing those things on the list, or of organizing something, even though both of these always require a physical follow-up, time, and sometimes money. It probably is a good first step, though. It's just a matter of follwing through with it.
I had a di-faceted lecture yesterday about my negativity and inability to motivite myself. I know the point was to help me feel motivated to do what I need to. Get in shape, eat right, go to school every day... for the entire day. I think this type of thing doesn't help me because I am inclined to argue a counterpoint. If their argument is that I should be more positive and uppity, then you can see that it becomes my place to argue that I can't do all this because of some or another area of my life that is keeping me from having the right attitude, and is making everything else very difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible. Not that I'm saying anything just to say it. I do feel like there is truth in it, but just as well, I know that they are both right. I know that what I really need to do is not even think twice about going to do whatever. As soon as I get that thought in my mind, it blooms as an option for me. It's just like this morning, and every other morning when I've opted to stay home. Sometimes I will be running late, and when I think about how unimportant and boring and uncomfortable it is to be in 2nd period, and I think about how they won't really be affected since all the attendance is done electronically now, I start to think it would be so much better to just stay home for now. I'll be late anyway, if I go. Bonnie thinks I dress badly, and I think in her mind, I seem like exactly the type of person who should not be working in an office. Truthfully, I don't dress badly at all. I dress just fine. I don't wear creepy, dark, plastic, or overly strappy clothes; I generally wear jeans, flipflops, and a baby tee, or an equivalent. But since I think I have a somewhat longer upper body, (um, and short, stocky legs, which means I can't run worth crap,) I guess my shirt comes up too much in the back when I sit down or if I'm reaching up to get something. Even though the length of my shirts are nothing beside typical. I think Mrs. Steifel thinks that I'm incompetent. This probably comes from the fact that I've spaced out when the schedules have been weirded out and not gone to 2nd because of thinking I wasn't supposed to be there yet, and whatnot. I still screw up admits sometimes, and usually she is the one to witness that. Not sure why it has to work out that way, but it does. As a result, I get a lot of raised eyebrow looks from her, and a lot of pissed off looks from Bonnie.
I did, however, decide that I should probably go to the second half of my school day today. I need to, because I have to go to 4th period, which is a class with actual substance, and talk with my partner about a modified MUN project, and turn in my damn letter to the judges, since Bonife wasn't there yesterday. Between typing and staring at what I've typed before typing some more, time has advanced and I actually am going to get up and go to school now. After I eat, of course.
9^^