Ninfic (SV): The Merry Maids of Kent (Acts 1 and 2)
Title: The Merry Maids of Kent (Acts 1 and 2)
Rating: Bawdiness, sexual puns.
Notes: I began this during Smallville S2 and was having a hoot writing it when 1) I mislaid my notebook and 2) SV...er...changed its direction. As a result, what was intended to be a five-act comedy stops after the first two. I was going to post this on WiP Amnesty Day, but with the Shakespearean quotation meme making the rounds of LJ this week, I thought there might be a few SV fans in the mood for some pastiche.
Warnings: Shameless use of Shakespearean character types and plot devices, including treacherous bastard brothers, long-lost siblings, exiled parents, raunchy nurses, and cross-dressing.
The Merry Maids of Kent
Act 1
1.1
Enter LIONEL, Thane of Luthor, with LEXANDER and LUCAS the Bastard.
LIONEL: 'Tis twice six years, my sons, since Phaeton's car
Did plunge from heaven, brightly trailing fire,
And scarred the tilled earth--and thee, my boy--
Scouring thy crown of well-grown wheaten gold
And leaving thee shorn as barren winter ground.
LUCAS: As an egg, he's bald, my father--that we know.
'It cannot be for this you summoned us.
LIONEL: Impertinent thou art, my ill-born lad.
The fate that struck thy brother in that hour
Was kinder yet to him than to his twin.
Fair Julia--no fairer jewel existed--
Was lost to us amidst the falling stars
And every year we mourn her on this day.
LUCAS: 'Twas long ago, and far away, in Kent.
I care not. Should I ever want a sister,
Lexander here is womanish enough.
LIONEL: 'Twixt rude sheets wast thou got, and rude thou art.
The name of Luthor is too fine a gilt
To stick to one whose metal is so base.
To hold it back, therefore, I have decided.
I have an heir, and while he lives and breathes
Clan Luthor has no use for any other.
My only child Lexander long has been,
Since Julia's loss in Heaven's rain of fire;
My only child Lexander shall be still,
And, save in blood, thou shalt not be his brother.
Yet Fortune may be cruel, and for that cause,
I bid thee stay, and serve, and mend thy way--
Thy sire may have need of thee some day. Exit.
LEXANDER: [Aside.] Our name kept from him while I still draw breath?
My father, thanks--thou'st sentenced me to death. Exit.
LUCAS: No room for one more lion in this pride?
The first wins all; the second is denied.
Yet should that first displease the haughty thane,
Then second may acquire his proper mane.
My father loves th' ambition in Lexander
Save when t'wards his own state it 'gins to wander.
He fears betrayal, and on that I'll play,
With hints of plots, all seeming to bewray
My brother dear, who now must pay a toll
For keeping me from my most worthy goal.
Farewell, young Lex--legitimate mayst thou be,
Yet thy birth cannot save thee now from me. Exit.
1.2
Enter LEXANDER.
LEXANDER: 'Twould seem my brother's malice works apace.
A soothsay'r, mad but cunning, hath he paid
To fill my father's ears with superstitions,
The latest: that his downfall will proceed
From one named "L," if he doth not take heed--
A most unuseful omen, in our clan,
Where "L" begins the name of every man--
And yet my father doubts me, for he knows
Th' ambition in my heart was sown by him,
And every day I study at his knee
The overthrow of princes, thanes, and kings.
He wonders when I'll look at him no more
As father, but as one who's in my way.
Alarm within. Enter LUCAS.
LUCAS: They seek thee, brother--for thy safety, fly!
LEXANDER: So careful for my safety?--brat, thou liest
So well I could believe thou art a Luthor.
Go back t' our sire, insinuate thyself
In his good graces, cozen his sly heart:
The more he loves and treats thee like a son,
The further, one day, thou wilt need to run.
LUCAS: What treacherous talk is this?--I thought thee wrong'd.
LEXANDER: You know I am. Hear this--I love my father
And if, on my return, I find him harmed
In any way by thy base hands, I swear
I'll cut them from thine arms, and have them skinned
To make myself a pair of riding gloves.
Begone!
Exit LUCAS.
And now I too must go, but where?
I'll follow she who left our clan before me
And seek my fortune in ill-fated Kent--
And, should my sire my destination guess,
I'll give his guards the slip in woman's dress.
I'll fashion after Julia my shape
And, in my sister's form, make my escape. Exit.
Act 2
2.1
The Forest of Kent. Enter CHLOE, writing.
CHLOE: Today the harvest sun will shine upon
Our feast, which I must celebrate in verse,
But my thoughts turn towards a different sun:
The son of Kent, more radiant to me
Than any star that smiles on earth from heaven.
His faithful planet I, though unregarded.
His beams do warm another; I am clouded.
Enter LANISSA, and NELL.
LANISSA [sings]: Who hath seen this fair young wife,
Singing to her child, oh,
And who hath seen her husband dear,
With his eyes so mild, oh?
Woe, woe, dead and gone, they are dead and gone.
Who was there upon that day,
Heaven tumbled down, oh,
And who did see them stricken dead
In the midst of town, oh?
Woe, woe, dead and gone, they are dead and gone.
And who will take their sadling girl,
Orphaned and alone, oh?
Who will keep her safe from harm,
And love her when she's grown, oh?
Woe, woe, dead and gone, they are dead and gone.
CHLOE: Nay, Lanissa, not that song again.
Be of good cheer--'tis not a day for grief.
LANISSA: The calendar cannot dispel my tears.
From sorrow it affords no holiday.
CHLOE: What, say you so? Then I'll at once send word
To Master Kent that you are indisposed
And cannot be our Harvest Queen this eve.
LANISSA: Do not, good Chloe dear--though I be sad,
I will not shirk my part in this our feast.
I'll smile, and dance, and wear the flowered crown
And only thou shalt know my loneliness.
CHLOE: Art aching still? Lanissa, thou dost wrong me.
Have I not loved thee better than a sister?
And, since that day when thou thy family lost,
Hast thou not found it once again with us?
My father and old Nell both love thee dearly,
And I am bound to thee as to myself.
Two buds upon one stem, two kissing lips,
Two azure-spotted eggs within the nest,
Two grains of sand both falling through the glass--
Could not be nearer than thou art to me.
Thus joined and circumferenc'd with love,
How canst thou still lament thy loneliness?
LANISSA: My tongue hath not thy skill at conjuring words.
I'll say just this: thou too art held full dear
By sister, father, nurse--art thou content?
Or is there yet some place within thy heart
That longs for something else to fill it up?
CHLOE: Thou speakest now of passion, not of love--
Of moonlit vows, and verse, and young men's sighs,
Of masters fair, and missives bearing secrets,
Of sunlit gleams, and midnight dreams, and lies.
Of these, above all, canst thou feel no lack:
Near every youth we meet thou dost enchant.
Thou would'st have twice three times by now been ravished
'Twere not for Master Ford and Master Kent.
LANISSA: I owe them much.
CHLOE: Thou owest them but an answer.
Whom dost thou love?--thy longtime sweetheart Ford
Or thy besotted worshipper, young Kent?
LANISSA: Think'st thou I would not tell thee if I could?
Ask me to choose an eye, an arm, a leg--
'Twould be a like impossibility.
CHLOE: 'Tis not on arms and legs that thou shouldst dwell.
NELL: Aye, chick--now heed the wisdom of old Nell:
To choose between two men of many parts,
Think longest on that part 'twill love thee best.
LANISSA: Why, that's the heart.
NELL: So maidens often say--
Yet wives may answer differently, I'll lay.
CHLOE: Why then, the tongue, with which men swear devotion.
NELL: 'Tis capable of much more pleasing motion.
LANISSA: The hand, with which men wear our rings, to wed us?
NELL: Nay--women's rings men wear best when they bed us.
LANISSA: Oh, fie! Thou speak'st of things to maids unknown.
NELL: And yet such things may make thy nothing groan.
So choose with care, my dove, the rod and measure
By which thou judgest youths to fit thy pleasure.
Enter PETER.
PETER: What ho, good ladies--sitting on the ground
Whilst we and all our revels do await you?
You'll green your gowns before the feast begins--
So much for those who hoped you'd green them after!
Come, come--the minstrels have begun to play
And I must hawk their wares.
CHLOE: [Gathers papers, letting some fall.] Then lead away. Exeunt.
2.2
Enter LEXANDER, disguised.
LEXANDER: So this is Kent. It is a dreary place--
A fenlike, farmish, fieldsome little land,
A patch of ground distinguished by nought
But corn, and kine, and gashes in the earth--
O'erscarred since the day my sister died,
But not forgot, as I forget not her.
Sweet Julia, hadst thou grown into a maid,
Wouldst thou have taken joy in woman's state
Or chafed within its confines, as I do?
Where I would walk, I mince; where fight, I faint;
Where I would breathe, this bony prison stops me--
And yet these weeds, though stifling, hide me well.
The countryside is full of men in arms
Who wear my father's colours, prowl the roads,
And question travelers male--but me, they pass
With smiles, and winks, and puffing out of buckram.
A vain display, poor fools--I'd feel for them,
Had not they been intent on feeling me.
Would that I could have pricked them with my steel!
But good maids prick not: therefore have I stolen
For refuge to this dull and gloomy wood.
But soft!--what's this? [Reads papers.] My love has lips of wine
And I, athirst, do long for drunkenness.
A witty tree, indeed, to drop such fruit.
Here's more: Like wax beneath his flame, I melt,
And pool, and lose my proper shape in him.
Forest, take care--these leaves may spark a blaze
For they do burn with passion's searing fire.
Who is this youth whose beauty doth inspire
Such heat, and who the smould'ring lovestruck swain?
This wood is not so dull as I supposed
If it contains such wooing--I'll learn more
By following this trail of lovers' lore. Exit.
~~~
And, well, you can pretty much guess how things go on from there, can't you? No?
Act 3
Old Kent gives a speech on the pleasures of the simple pastoral life; Lanissa sings a harvest song, distributes flowers to all her swains, and is admired by all; there is a masque of shepherds, followed by an antimasque of mutants; a dance follows in which Lexander (disguised as Julia) flirts with everyone, and befriends Chloe (with much banter ensuing).
Act 4
The long-lost Julia runs away from her keeper Dominic, arrives in the forest, and meets with a dishevelled young Kent (who has lost his shirt subduing a mutated bear). Young Kent confesses to Julia that he fell in love with her the moment he saw her at the harvest feast. Although naturally confused by this, Julia is overcome by young Kent's shirtlessness, accepts his love, and the two embrace. Chloe enters and accuses Julia of betraying her; Lexander enters and the two long-lost siblings joyfully reunite.
Act 5
Double wedding! Young Kent/Julia, Lexander/Chloe, and all the other happy folk of the forest. Old Kent is in the midst of a platitude-filled speech about love and marriage when Lionel interrupts the festivities by entering (with Lucas and soldiers), only to announce that--having been unexpectedly saved by an unknown youth from a vicious bear attack--he is giving up his evil ways and restoring the exiled Old Kent to his former position. Lucas confesses his treachery, apologizes to Lexander, and announces that he too has been converted to goodness by meeting a radiant beauty in the forest and falling in love with her. All turn to Lanissa, who smiles and takes Lucas's hand. Everyone dances except Ford, who sighs and ponders joining Lionel's army.
The End.
~~~
Rating: Bawdiness, sexual puns.
Notes: I began this during Smallville S2 and was having a hoot writing it when 1) I mislaid my notebook and 2) SV...er...changed its direction. As a result, what was intended to be a five-act comedy stops after the first two. I was going to post this on WiP Amnesty Day, but with the Shakespearean quotation meme making the rounds of LJ this week, I thought there might be a few SV fans in the mood for some pastiche.
Warnings: Shameless use of Shakespearean character types and plot devices, including treacherous bastard brothers, long-lost siblings, exiled parents, raunchy nurses, and cross-dressing.
The Merry Maids of Kent
Act 1
1.1
Enter LIONEL, Thane of Luthor, with LEXANDER and LUCAS the Bastard.
LIONEL: 'Tis twice six years, my sons, since Phaeton's car
Did plunge from heaven, brightly trailing fire,
And scarred the tilled earth--and thee, my boy--
Scouring thy crown of well-grown wheaten gold
And leaving thee shorn as barren winter ground.
LUCAS: As an egg, he's bald, my father--that we know.
'It cannot be for this you summoned us.
LIONEL: Impertinent thou art, my ill-born lad.
The fate that struck thy brother in that hour
Was kinder yet to him than to his twin.
Fair Julia--no fairer jewel existed--
Was lost to us amidst the falling stars
And every year we mourn her on this day.
LUCAS: 'Twas long ago, and far away, in Kent.
I care not. Should I ever want a sister,
Lexander here is womanish enough.
LIONEL: 'Twixt rude sheets wast thou got, and rude thou art.
The name of Luthor is too fine a gilt
To stick to one whose metal is so base.
To hold it back, therefore, I have decided.
I have an heir, and while he lives and breathes
Clan Luthor has no use for any other.
My only child Lexander long has been,
Since Julia's loss in Heaven's rain of fire;
My only child Lexander shall be still,
And, save in blood, thou shalt not be his brother.
Yet Fortune may be cruel, and for that cause,
I bid thee stay, and serve, and mend thy way--
Thy sire may have need of thee some day. Exit.
LEXANDER: [Aside.] Our name kept from him while I still draw breath?
My father, thanks--thou'st sentenced me to death. Exit.
LUCAS: No room for one more lion in this pride?
The first wins all; the second is denied.
Yet should that first displease the haughty thane,
Then second may acquire his proper mane.
My father loves th' ambition in Lexander
Save when t'wards his own state it 'gins to wander.
He fears betrayal, and on that I'll play,
With hints of plots, all seeming to bewray
My brother dear, who now must pay a toll
For keeping me from my most worthy goal.
Farewell, young Lex--legitimate mayst thou be,
Yet thy birth cannot save thee now from me. Exit.
1.2
Enter LEXANDER.
LEXANDER: 'Twould seem my brother's malice works apace.
A soothsay'r, mad but cunning, hath he paid
To fill my father's ears with superstitions,
The latest: that his downfall will proceed
From one named "L," if he doth not take heed--
A most unuseful omen, in our clan,
Where "L" begins the name of every man--
And yet my father doubts me, for he knows
Th' ambition in my heart was sown by him,
And every day I study at his knee
The overthrow of princes, thanes, and kings.
He wonders when I'll look at him no more
As father, but as one who's in my way.
Alarm within. Enter LUCAS.
LUCAS: They seek thee, brother--for thy safety, fly!
LEXANDER: So careful for my safety?--brat, thou liest
So well I could believe thou art a Luthor.
Go back t' our sire, insinuate thyself
In his good graces, cozen his sly heart:
The more he loves and treats thee like a son,
The further, one day, thou wilt need to run.
LUCAS: What treacherous talk is this?--I thought thee wrong'd.
LEXANDER: You know I am. Hear this--I love my father
And if, on my return, I find him harmed
In any way by thy base hands, I swear
I'll cut them from thine arms, and have them skinned
To make myself a pair of riding gloves.
Begone!
Exit LUCAS.
And now I too must go, but where?
I'll follow she who left our clan before me
And seek my fortune in ill-fated Kent--
And, should my sire my destination guess,
I'll give his guards the slip in woman's dress.
I'll fashion after Julia my shape
And, in my sister's form, make my escape. Exit.
Act 2
2.1
The Forest of Kent. Enter CHLOE, writing.
CHLOE: Today the harvest sun will shine upon
Our feast, which I must celebrate in verse,
But my thoughts turn towards a different sun:
The son of Kent, more radiant to me
Than any star that smiles on earth from heaven.
His faithful planet I, though unregarded.
His beams do warm another; I am clouded.
Enter LANISSA, and NELL.
LANISSA [sings]: Who hath seen this fair young wife,
Singing to her child, oh,
And who hath seen her husband dear,
With his eyes so mild, oh?
Woe, woe, dead and gone, they are dead and gone.
Who was there upon that day,
Heaven tumbled down, oh,
And who did see them stricken dead
In the midst of town, oh?
Woe, woe, dead and gone, they are dead and gone.
And who will take their sadling girl,
Orphaned and alone, oh?
Who will keep her safe from harm,
And love her when she's grown, oh?
Woe, woe, dead and gone, they are dead and gone.
CHLOE: Nay, Lanissa, not that song again.
Be of good cheer--'tis not a day for grief.
LANISSA: The calendar cannot dispel my tears.
From sorrow it affords no holiday.
CHLOE: What, say you so? Then I'll at once send word
To Master Kent that you are indisposed
And cannot be our Harvest Queen this eve.
LANISSA: Do not, good Chloe dear--though I be sad,
I will not shirk my part in this our feast.
I'll smile, and dance, and wear the flowered crown
And only thou shalt know my loneliness.
CHLOE: Art aching still? Lanissa, thou dost wrong me.
Have I not loved thee better than a sister?
And, since that day when thou thy family lost,
Hast thou not found it once again with us?
My father and old Nell both love thee dearly,
And I am bound to thee as to myself.
Two buds upon one stem, two kissing lips,
Two azure-spotted eggs within the nest,
Two grains of sand both falling through the glass--
Could not be nearer than thou art to me.
Thus joined and circumferenc'd with love,
How canst thou still lament thy loneliness?
LANISSA: My tongue hath not thy skill at conjuring words.
I'll say just this: thou too art held full dear
By sister, father, nurse--art thou content?
Or is there yet some place within thy heart
That longs for something else to fill it up?
CHLOE: Thou speakest now of passion, not of love--
Of moonlit vows, and verse, and young men's sighs,
Of masters fair, and missives bearing secrets,
Of sunlit gleams, and midnight dreams, and lies.
Of these, above all, canst thou feel no lack:
Near every youth we meet thou dost enchant.
Thou would'st have twice three times by now been ravished
'Twere not for Master Ford and Master Kent.
LANISSA: I owe them much.
CHLOE: Thou owest them but an answer.
Whom dost thou love?--thy longtime sweetheart Ford
Or thy besotted worshipper, young Kent?
LANISSA: Think'st thou I would not tell thee if I could?
Ask me to choose an eye, an arm, a leg--
'Twould be a like impossibility.
CHLOE: 'Tis not on arms and legs that thou shouldst dwell.
NELL: Aye, chick--now heed the wisdom of old Nell:
To choose between two men of many parts,
Think longest on that part 'twill love thee best.
LANISSA: Why, that's the heart.
NELL: So maidens often say--
Yet wives may answer differently, I'll lay.
CHLOE: Why then, the tongue, with which men swear devotion.
NELL: 'Tis capable of much more pleasing motion.
LANISSA: The hand, with which men wear our rings, to wed us?
NELL: Nay--women's rings men wear best when they bed us.
LANISSA: Oh, fie! Thou speak'st of things to maids unknown.
NELL: And yet such things may make thy nothing groan.
So choose with care, my dove, the rod and measure
By which thou judgest youths to fit thy pleasure.
Enter PETER.
PETER: What ho, good ladies--sitting on the ground
Whilst we and all our revels do await you?
You'll green your gowns before the feast begins--
So much for those who hoped you'd green them after!
Come, come--the minstrels have begun to play
And I must hawk their wares.
CHLOE: [Gathers papers, letting some fall.] Then lead away. Exeunt.
2.2
Enter LEXANDER, disguised.
LEXANDER: So this is Kent. It is a dreary place--
A fenlike, farmish, fieldsome little land,
A patch of ground distinguished by nought
But corn, and kine, and gashes in the earth--
O'erscarred since the day my sister died,
But not forgot, as I forget not her.
Sweet Julia, hadst thou grown into a maid,
Wouldst thou have taken joy in woman's state
Or chafed within its confines, as I do?
Where I would walk, I mince; where fight, I faint;
Where I would breathe, this bony prison stops me--
And yet these weeds, though stifling, hide me well.
The countryside is full of men in arms
Who wear my father's colours, prowl the roads,
And question travelers male--but me, they pass
With smiles, and winks, and puffing out of buckram.
A vain display, poor fools--I'd feel for them,
Had not they been intent on feeling me.
Would that I could have pricked them with my steel!
But good maids prick not: therefore have I stolen
For refuge to this dull and gloomy wood.
But soft!--what's this? [Reads papers.] My love has lips of wine
And I, athirst, do long for drunkenness.
A witty tree, indeed, to drop such fruit.
Here's more: Like wax beneath his flame, I melt,
And pool, and lose my proper shape in him.
Forest, take care--these leaves may spark a blaze
For they do burn with passion's searing fire.
Who is this youth whose beauty doth inspire
Such heat, and who the smould'ring lovestruck swain?
This wood is not so dull as I supposed
If it contains such wooing--I'll learn more
By following this trail of lovers' lore. Exit.
~~~
And, well, you can pretty much guess how things go on from there, can't you? No?
Act 3
Old Kent gives a speech on the pleasures of the simple pastoral life; Lanissa sings a harvest song, distributes flowers to all her swains, and is admired by all; there is a masque of shepherds, followed by an antimasque of mutants; a dance follows in which Lexander (disguised as Julia) flirts with everyone, and befriends Chloe (with much banter ensuing).
Act 4
The long-lost Julia runs away from her keeper Dominic, arrives in the forest, and meets with a dishevelled young Kent (who has lost his shirt subduing a mutated bear). Young Kent confesses to Julia that he fell in love with her the moment he saw her at the harvest feast. Although naturally confused by this, Julia is overcome by young Kent's shirtlessness, accepts his love, and the two embrace. Chloe enters and accuses Julia of betraying her; Lexander enters and the two long-lost siblings joyfully reunite.
Act 5
Double wedding! Young Kent/Julia, Lexander/Chloe, and all the other happy folk of the forest. Old Kent is in the midst of a platitude-filled speech about love and marriage when Lionel interrupts the festivities by entering (with Lucas and soldiers), only to announce that--having been unexpectedly saved by an unknown youth from a vicious bear attack--he is giving up his evil ways and restoring the exiled Old Kent to his former position. Lucas confesses his treachery, apologizes to Lexander, and announces that he too has been converted to goodness by meeting a radiant beauty in the forest and falling in love with her. All turn to Lanissa, who smiles and takes Lucas's hand. Everyone dances except Ford, who sighs and ponders joining Lionel's army.
The End.
~~~