2004
I always said I would do anything to get my friendship back with Ben, but never did I think anything would mean losing my best friend. I got Ben back, that really makes me happy. I know that we won't ever be as close as we were, but at least I know he's there. I no longer have to worry about him showing up somewhere, I no longer have to worry about him ruinning my night. He says this won't end this time, that we have finally made friends FOREVER. We both established that we are just friends and neither of us will think anything other then that.
This is going to be just a bunch of random shyt about 2004....
I saw James Lockhart for the first time in forever, we actually talked. I miss that kid so much and now that he has a gf I'm realizing what I missed out on. I find myself thinking about him all the time, thinking about why I broke up with him, how much happier I'd be if I'd stayed with him. I know I'm the one that broke up with him, and I know I'm the one that ended our friendship but I think I was scared. I was only 15 and he was 19 and I was scared of getting hurt. I was still young and still dumb. I was so stupid not to see how lucky I was, that kid adored me, he thought I was so great. He is such an awesome person, and I can honestly say I'd love to have him back. He's so caring, nice and always listened to me. When I was so upset over Ben, he listened even tho I'm sure it made him so mad to see me be treated like that. I know he would have treated me so much better, but just like every other girl -I wanted an asshole. I wish I could just tell him that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting him and being the way I was. I want to take it back but I know I can't.
2004 was defineteley a bad year for me. I don't even think I need 2 hands to count the good parts of 2004.
2004 was the year that changed Hanna and I forever. She was on #5 of guys that I liked, and this one was a big one. Eddie Hamilton, anyone that knew me then, knew that I cared about him alot and I wanted to be with him. Hanna swore up and down she didn't like him but in the end she did. We didn't talk for 6 months. Eddie had taken my best friend away from me. I was miserable, I felt like everything was over. But friends are everything to girls, especially me. But she opened up my eyes. I finally saw she wasn't who I thought she was, she was fake, a liar, a backstabber. I made friends with other ppl and saw what a real friend was. People that cared about me and never lied. But then one night I got an unexpected call from Eddie. He apologized for everything, for taking Hanna and being an ass to me. That was such a shocker, I never expected that. THen when I got online Hanna and I talked and finally made up. At first we started talking all the time and hanging out too, but then we drifted again. Then over the summer we started hanging out alot, her and Eddie would call me almost everyday and ask if I wanted to hangout. They became my best friends. I told them everything, I ran to them with my stories about Ben. I called them and told them everything. I cried to them. Then we drifted again, and now Hanna and I barely talk. Eddie is gone and Hanna is alone. I have attempted to hangout with her but it doesn't happen. I don't want to get close with her bc I know once Eddie comes back I'll lose her again. I'll keep my distance to save me pain.
Awhile back, when I dated James, I met a guy named Joey McCormack. I liked him from the start. Then this spring break we hungout. I immediately fell for him, or so I thought. We talked every night for about 2 months, things were great. He was telling my friends he liked me. Then towards the end of the school year I started hearing things. I asked him about it and he denied it, denied it all. I figured it was jealousy, bc the girls were his ex's. But then when I kept hearing it, I finally realized how stupid I was. I cried, and cried [for 2 nights] and then realized it was so dumb. We stopped talking and our friendship has been rocky ever since.
That leads to Benjamin Johns. WOW! I don't even know where to start with him. There's no way I can really go into detail with him, but he def taught me alot. He made me open my eyes. He picked me up after Joey dropped me. He completely changed my life around for the better. I was so scared to like him, bc he is Ben Johns and I fell in love at first sight [way back in December]. He was so out of my reach, or so I thought. I don't really know how to explain what I had with him, but he made me fall head over heals for him. I was so wrong about liking Joey, I didn't know the definition of 'head over heals' until Ben. He was such an awesome person, we hungout alot and I always had a great time. Whether it was at my house, playing on the computer, or just being with him in the Salty Dog car wash -lol don't ask. He listened to me when I needed him, and was a great person to talk to. I don't know what happened, but we started fighting like crazy. I will never forget our first fight. I was crushed, he wouldn't talk to me. I cried so hard and had no idea what to do with myself. And when we made up I was back on cloud 9. Every fight seemed to make us better, but would some how tear us apart at the same time. He hated confrontation so most was done thru texting or phone calls. The one night at Ryan's house when he apologized out of nowhere for being an ass was one of the greatest things ever. August 20 was a day that I will never forget. Everything about us ended. We never talked for a month, and I cried every single night. He meant so much to me and in the blink of an eye he kicked me out of his life. After a month of Ben free life, when I was finally accepting the fact we were thru, he came back. He apologized for it all and we talked it all out. Or so I thought. We still kept fighting. We fight, makeup, fight, makeup and fight again. It's a fucking pain in the ass but it's all worth it. I care about him too much to just let him go. Everyone gets mad at me for doing it, but I'm sorry- I can't kick him out of my life. He means alot to me and I don't know what will change that. He knows he's an asshole to me, but he knows I'll always come back. As of now, we are friends. I really hope it stays this way, I need him in my life. I need him as a friend.
Best friends...I'm not too sure what those are. My best friends always fuck me over, why? I still have NO idea. Aliesha tells me ALL the time I am such an amazing person and that I am the best friend she has ever had. If so, why don't my other friends see it? Why am I always getting fucked over? It's impossible for me to be happy. I got Ben back, but lost my best friend or someone I thought was my best friend.
I can no longer trust ANYONE. This year I am not getting close to anyone. If I just stay away, I won't get hurt. My heart is shut. No more open doors, no one is allowed in. Everyone is an acquantance, I have no friends. If I don't get close with anyone, I won't get hurt. If I don't let anyone in my heart, it won't be broken. Simple as that.
I wish I could just stop caring.
It sucks that 2 people ruinned my trust with everyone that is in my life and everyone that will enter my life. I won't mention names, but I'm sure they know who they are. I just honestly want to say, I hope it was ALL worth it. Because you KILLED me.
I got really close to Meghan this pas year also. We hungout all the time, she always listened to me and was there for me. I cried to her so many night and she was always there. When Anthony and I started hating eachother, Meghan and I drifted. We barely talked, and I knew it was my fault. I miss her alot but I know we won't ever be best friends again. It just worked out that way. Although, last night she saved my life. And I owe her big for that.
Aliesha and I drifted alot this past year. We used to talk everyday but now we barely talk. She has a boyfriend and I am so happy for her, I just wish I was still close with her. Over the summer she lived here, and I think we only hungout 3 or 4 times. And everytime, all we did was talk about Ben and Jeff. And we would only hangout for like 30 minutes bc we'd both have to leave to hangout with them. It really sucked -and still does suck. She doesn't know half the stuff in my life, I never call her crying anymore. I never go to her with my problems. I hate it.
I feel like I have no one as of now. No one to run to when I cry, because the one person I thought I could run to, turned out to be a fake. I am all alone now and I don't know what I'm going to do.
>>there is so much more, but I can't type anymore<<
This is going to be just a bunch of random shyt about 2004....
I saw James Lockhart for the first time in forever, we actually talked. I miss that kid so much and now that he has a gf I'm realizing what I missed out on. I find myself thinking about him all the time, thinking about why I broke up with him, how much happier I'd be if I'd stayed with him. I know I'm the one that broke up with him, and I know I'm the one that ended our friendship but I think I was scared. I was only 15 and he was 19 and I was scared of getting hurt. I was still young and still dumb. I was so stupid not to see how lucky I was, that kid adored me, he thought I was so great. He is such an awesome person, and I can honestly say I'd love to have him back. He's so caring, nice and always listened to me. When I was so upset over Ben, he listened even tho I'm sure it made him so mad to see me be treated like that. I know he would have treated me so much better, but just like every other girl -I wanted an asshole. I wish I could just tell him that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting him and being the way I was. I want to take it back but I know I can't.
2004 was defineteley a bad year for me. I don't even think I need 2 hands to count the good parts of 2004.
2004 was the year that changed Hanna and I forever. She was on #5 of guys that I liked, and this one was a big one. Eddie Hamilton, anyone that knew me then, knew that I cared about him alot and I wanted to be with him. Hanna swore up and down she didn't like him but in the end she did. We didn't talk for 6 months. Eddie had taken my best friend away from me. I was miserable, I felt like everything was over. But friends are everything to girls, especially me. But she opened up my eyes. I finally saw she wasn't who I thought she was, she was fake, a liar, a backstabber. I made friends with other ppl and saw what a real friend was. People that cared about me and never lied. But then one night I got an unexpected call from Eddie. He apologized for everything, for taking Hanna and being an ass to me. That was such a shocker, I never expected that. THen when I got online Hanna and I talked and finally made up. At first we started talking all the time and hanging out too, but then we drifted again. Then over the summer we started hanging out alot, her and Eddie would call me almost everyday and ask if I wanted to hangout. They became my best friends. I told them everything, I ran to them with my stories about Ben. I called them and told them everything. I cried to them. Then we drifted again, and now Hanna and I barely talk. Eddie is gone and Hanna is alone. I have attempted to hangout with her but it doesn't happen. I don't want to get close with her bc I know once Eddie comes back I'll lose her again. I'll keep my distance to save me pain.
Awhile back, when I dated James, I met a guy named Joey McCormack. I liked him from the start. Then this spring break we hungout. I immediately fell for him, or so I thought. We talked every night for about 2 months, things were great. He was telling my friends he liked me. Then towards the end of the school year I started hearing things. I asked him about it and he denied it, denied it all. I figured it was jealousy, bc the girls were his ex's. But then when I kept hearing it, I finally realized how stupid I was. I cried, and cried [for 2 nights] and then realized it was so dumb. We stopped talking and our friendship has been rocky ever since.
That leads to Benjamin Johns. WOW! I don't even know where to start with him. There's no way I can really go into detail with him, but he def taught me alot. He made me open my eyes. He picked me up after Joey dropped me. He completely changed my life around for the better. I was so scared to like him, bc he is Ben Johns and I fell in love at first sight [way back in December]. He was so out of my reach, or so I thought. I don't really know how to explain what I had with him, but he made me fall head over heals for him. I was so wrong about liking Joey, I didn't know the definition of 'head over heals' until Ben. He was such an awesome person, we hungout alot and I always had a great time. Whether it was at my house, playing on the computer, or just being with him in the Salty Dog car wash -lol don't ask. He listened to me when I needed him, and was a great person to talk to. I don't know what happened, but we started fighting like crazy. I will never forget our first fight. I was crushed, he wouldn't talk to me. I cried so hard and had no idea what to do with myself. And when we made up I was back on cloud 9. Every fight seemed to make us better, but would some how tear us apart at the same time. He hated confrontation so most was done thru texting or phone calls. The one night at Ryan's house when he apologized out of nowhere for being an ass was one of the greatest things ever. August 20 was a day that I will never forget. Everything about us ended. We never talked for a month, and I cried every single night. He meant so much to me and in the blink of an eye he kicked me out of his life. After a month of Ben free life, when I was finally accepting the fact we were thru, he came back. He apologized for it all and we talked it all out. Or so I thought. We still kept fighting. We fight, makeup, fight, makeup and fight again. It's a fucking pain in the ass but it's all worth it. I care about him too much to just let him go. Everyone gets mad at me for doing it, but I'm sorry- I can't kick him out of my life. He means alot to me and I don't know what will change that. He knows he's an asshole to me, but he knows I'll always come back. As of now, we are friends. I really hope it stays this way, I need him in my life. I need him as a friend.
Best friends...I'm not too sure what those are. My best friends always fuck me over, why? I still have NO idea. Aliesha tells me ALL the time I am such an amazing person and that I am the best friend she has ever had. If so, why don't my other friends see it? Why am I always getting fucked over? It's impossible for me to be happy. I got Ben back, but lost my best friend or someone I thought was my best friend.
I can no longer trust ANYONE. This year I am not getting close to anyone. If I just stay away, I won't get hurt. My heart is shut. No more open doors, no one is allowed in. Everyone is an acquantance, I have no friends. If I don't get close with anyone, I won't get hurt. If I don't let anyone in my heart, it won't be broken. Simple as that.
I wish I could just stop caring.
It sucks that 2 people ruinned my trust with everyone that is in my life and everyone that will enter my life. I won't mention names, but I'm sure they know who they are. I just honestly want to say, I hope it was ALL worth it. Because you KILLED me.
I got really close to Meghan this pas year also. We hungout all the time, she always listened to me and was there for me. I cried to her so many night and she was always there. When Anthony and I started hating eachother, Meghan and I drifted. We barely talked, and I knew it was my fault. I miss her alot but I know we won't ever be best friends again. It just worked out that way. Although, last night she saved my life. And I owe her big for that.
Aliesha and I drifted alot this past year. We used to talk everyday but now we barely talk. She has a boyfriend and I am so happy for her, I just wish I was still close with her. Over the summer she lived here, and I think we only hungout 3 or 4 times. And everytime, all we did was talk about Ben and Jeff. And we would only hangout for like 30 minutes bc we'd both have to leave to hangout with them. It really sucked -and still does suck. She doesn't know half the stuff in my life, I never call her crying anymore. I never go to her with my problems. I hate it.
I feel like I have no one as of now. No one to run to when I cry, because the one person I thought I could run to, turned out to be a fake. I am all alone now and I don't know what I'm going to do.
>>there is so much more, but I can't type anymore<<