YOSH!!!
Another birthday come and gone. Turning 22 yesterday has made me realize how relatively unfilled my life as been. Right now I'm in my prime, I'm comfortable with my body image, and, if I'll let myself have a moment of narcissism here, I'm fairly easy on the eyes if I do say so myself! Even if I may not fulfill everyone's standards for physical beauty... fuck 'em. Getting myself physically fit and eating healthier is a whole other issue altogether, and working to achieve that goal might as well be a life-long struggle with me, but aside from that fact I have a feeling that this is as good as it gets, and I'm haunted by the ghost of time, constantly being reminded that this look won't last forever...
Course, this entry just isn't about Maddy's desire for someone to see her naked before she turns 30... 40 would be nice too. No, this is also about a lack of personal achievements. Very rarely have I completed anything outside of school curriculum. I can think of about a dozen projects, or things that I told myself I'd do by the time I was such-years-old, but something ALWAYS got in the way, be it distressing real-life events or elaborate personal excuses I made to make myself feel better about not being ambitious enough. Everything is always in the planning stages with me, half-finished novels and character designs for a non-existent comic, nothing beyond that. In illustration I've done maybe barely a handful of paintings I'm proud to call my mine. Most of them (in my opinion anyways) have all been sort of "meh", but I told myself there's always that next assignment that'll let me shine. Except that the year is nearly up, and after that, there will be no more assignments, no more chances to prove myself...
But now... what is there that's holding me back? No papers to write or tests to study for, no drama, no social pressures like maintaining a job (yet >_>), or scrambling to get into a good college, or keeping up grades (afterall, what does an illustrator need of grades??), no deadlines except for the one that matters-- the 18th. My last chance to prove to everyone, my parents, my teachers, my peers, that I've always belonged in art school...
At this point, I bet you're all saying, "But Maddy, why do you care so much about what other people think? Have you no self-esteem of your own?" To which I'd normally reply, "FUCK YOU! OF COURSE I HAVE SELF-ESTEEM! I'M SO DAMN IMPRESSIVE I PISS EXCELLENCE! IS THAT NOT SELF-ESTEEM?!", except I wouldn't reply like that at all. Yes, call it my inherent need to please people which has been ingrained in me since childhood, perhaps I need people to confirm my abilities for me, because I sure as hell won't admit to myself that I'm a good artist ("it's CRAP! DO IT AGAIN!" ";_;"). Yes, I'll let people define me to a certain extent (the ones who aren't pricks anyways). All I know is I feel an immense pride when someone feeds my deflated ego, and that is a reward in itself... which is why I think I need Emily in here every day before April 18th going "OH-EM-GEE YOUR ART IS SO FANTASTIC YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!!!11!11ONE!(!FLAILS!)" See, if anything, I hope I can do Emily's characters justice (not that she hasn't been impressed by my work so far), because this culmination of my senior project is as much her doing as mine...
... So no excuses this time. No more half-hearted attempts. No more disappointing myself. I've sworn to give it my all and go out my senior year with a blast... and if any of you see me doing otherwise, feel free to slap me...
Course, this entry just isn't about Maddy's desire for someone to see her naked before she turns 30... 40 would be nice too. No, this is also about a lack of personal achievements. Very rarely have I completed anything outside of school curriculum. I can think of about a dozen projects, or things that I told myself I'd do by the time I was such-years-old, but something ALWAYS got in the way, be it distressing real-life events or elaborate personal excuses I made to make myself feel better about not being ambitious enough. Everything is always in the planning stages with me, half-finished novels and character designs for a non-existent comic, nothing beyond that. In illustration I've done maybe barely a handful of paintings I'm proud to call my mine. Most of them (in my opinion anyways) have all been sort of "meh", but I told myself there's always that next assignment that'll let me shine. Except that the year is nearly up, and after that, there will be no more assignments, no more chances to prove myself...
But now... what is there that's holding me back? No papers to write or tests to study for, no drama, no social pressures like maintaining a job (yet >_>), or scrambling to get into a good college, or keeping up grades (afterall, what does an illustrator need of grades??), no deadlines except for the one that matters-- the 18th. My last chance to prove to everyone, my parents, my teachers, my peers, that I've always belonged in art school...
At this point, I bet you're all saying, "But Maddy, why do you care so much about what other people think? Have you no self-esteem of your own?" To which I'd normally reply, "FUCK YOU! OF COURSE I HAVE SELF-ESTEEM! I'M SO DAMN IMPRESSIVE I PISS EXCELLENCE! IS THAT NOT SELF-ESTEEM?!", except I wouldn't reply like that at all. Yes, call it my inherent need to please people which has been ingrained in me since childhood, perhaps I need people to confirm my abilities for me, because I sure as hell won't admit to myself that I'm a good artist ("it's CRAP! DO IT AGAIN!" ";_;"). Yes, I'll let people define me to a certain extent (the ones who aren't pricks anyways). All I know is I feel an immense pride when someone feeds my deflated ego, and that is a reward in itself... which is why I think I need Emily in here every day before April 18th going "OH-EM-GEE YOUR ART IS SO FANTASTIC YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!!!11!11ONE!(!FLAILS!)" See, if anything, I hope I can do Emily's characters justice (not that she hasn't been impressed by my work so far), because this culmination of my senior project is as much her doing as mine...
... So no excuses this time. No more half-hearted attempts. No more disappointing myself. I've sworn to give it my all and go out my senior year with a blast... and if any of you see me doing otherwise, feel free to slap me...