I'm a bitch....
But people force me to be, and I don't know why. My nature is to be very sweet, really. I'll go along with almost anything, I'm pretty easy to please. But no one will let me be nice, it makes no sense.
I've recently managed to remove a metaphorical blindfold that I've been wearing the past, oh, 24 years. This has given me much more confidence and direction and concentration and just everything good. But along with the confidence, I'm ready to stand up for myself, and I'm having to do it a LOT.
I've been dating a guy who was just really "busy" and not into talking. I hate when someone tells me they're busy, because it sort of implies that I'm not. The thing is, I'm pretty busy, but I have priorities. If I need to do laundry, but my friend is having a bad night, friend gets priority. If I planned on watching a DVD at home alone, but my boyfriend wants to hang out and I haven't seen him in two weeks, boyfriend would get priority, it's not rocket science.
And I have to balance them too. My parents live a couple hundred miles away and would take every weekend if they could get it. I have to balance seeing them, spending time with my friends, work, and just relaxing.... but I do it. I've found very few people willing to do the same, at least for me.
Anyways, after a weekend of pretty much silence, I'd had enough and suggested the boy find someone he actually wanted to hang out with and pointed out that if he did in fact like me he would make some time for me, more than once every two weeks - oh, and I asked for my sunglasses back. Apparantly this makes me cold. That kinda hurts, because I'm anything but. I was hurt in the first place that I'm not worthy of time or even a phone call, so I did what I had to do and acted the way I thought I should. What other response is appropriate to someone who refuses to put you on equal footing with even a computer game? In retrospect, there was probably some spite and defensiveness... but I don't think I'd change a thing I said.
But, there are other things. The confidence means I'm not taking crap off anyone anymore... that includes my parents. So, now I "have an attitude" every time I talk to them because they say something stupid or hurtful and I call them on it. Before, I would have been absolutley crushed... but now I kind of believe myself when I say I'm right and I deserve certain treatment.
I need to post more often, I kind of stopped when I didn't have as much bad stuff going on, but I can post about good things too. Thing is, they're going to be mundane little good things because they just haven't happened to me before. Not letting someone use me as a doormat is a big thing in Ninaland, but not newsworthy to anyone else.
I guess my point is, my attitude is different now, and I'm afraid everyone will just have to get used to it. I'm happy for the first time in a VERY long time, and I'm going to fight for it... no more guilt.
I've recently managed to remove a metaphorical blindfold that I've been wearing the past, oh, 24 years. This has given me much more confidence and direction and concentration and just everything good. But along with the confidence, I'm ready to stand up for myself, and I'm having to do it a LOT.
I've been dating a guy who was just really "busy" and not into talking. I hate when someone tells me they're busy, because it sort of implies that I'm not. The thing is, I'm pretty busy, but I have priorities. If I need to do laundry, but my friend is having a bad night, friend gets priority. If I planned on watching a DVD at home alone, but my boyfriend wants to hang out and I haven't seen him in two weeks, boyfriend would get priority, it's not rocket science.
And I have to balance them too. My parents live a couple hundred miles away and would take every weekend if they could get it. I have to balance seeing them, spending time with my friends, work, and just relaxing.... but I do it. I've found very few people willing to do the same, at least for me.
Anyways, after a weekend of pretty much silence, I'd had enough and suggested the boy find someone he actually wanted to hang out with and pointed out that if he did in fact like me he would make some time for me, more than once every two weeks - oh, and I asked for my sunglasses back. Apparantly this makes me cold. That kinda hurts, because I'm anything but. I was hurt in the first place that I'm not worthy of time or even a phone call, so I did what I had to do and acted the way I thought I should. What other response is appropriate to someone who refuses to put you on equal footing with even a computer game? In retrospect, there was probably some spite and defensiveness... but I don't think I'd change a thing I said.
But, there are other things. The confidence means I'm not taking crap off anyone anymore... that includes my parents. So, now I "have an attitude" every time I talk to them because they say something stupid or hurtful and I call them on it. Before, I would have been absolutley crushed... but now I kind of believe myself when I say I'm right and I deserve certain treatment.
I need to post more often, I kind of stopped when I didn't have as much bad stuff going on, but I can post about good things too. Thing is, they're going to be mundane little good things because they just haven't happened to me before. Not letting someone use me as a doormat is a big thing in Ninaland, but not newsworthy to anyone else.
I guess my point is, my attitude is different now, and I'm afraid everyone will just have to get used to it. I'm happy for the first time in a VERY long time, and I'm going to fight for it... no more guilt.