Out of Fire and Ash...(pt 2)
...It was still so hard to look in the mirror, even after two full weeks he had spent recovering from his injuries. The first several days had been spent in the hospital so he could be treated for the cuts all over his body and his malnutrition. They had tried to heal the rest of him as well but it would never erase the feeling of being so dirty that he felt as if he had been lowered to a level just under that of the city sewers. They could heal his body, wrap him up in soft bandages and sooth his festering skin with cooling ointments and even force him to eat three full meals a day with nutritional supplements. But no one could ever erase the feeling that he had been rendered less than human, sullied in the very core of his being. Others couldn’t see it as it was like a thick film of oil under his skin. No matter how he scrubbed, it wouldn’t wash away.
Al knew. Al had seen it being done but even his touch Ed could not bear. In his mind’s eye he kept seeing his little brother being forced to watch, watch as faceless men tried to break him. He had a feeling they succeeded.
Life would have to move on eventually; he couldn’t sit in their tiny little apartment with his knees pressed to his chest as he looked out from the relative safety of the window at the world outside for the rest of his life. Yet that world had touched him in such a way he could never again escape from and he felt safer with a barrier between himself and the vast evil that lurked in the shadows.
“Nii-san,” he didn’t look up when Al called him and didn’t acknowledge his presence in the room. By the smell filling the small living space, his brother had dinner ready but he wouldn’t eat it. Not tonight. They could force him to eat while he was in the hospital but here he could starve if he felt like it, “Dinner’s ready, Nii-san,” and for a moment he felt a pang of guilt. It wasn’t his little brother’s fault and he could hardly blame him. No doubt the boy had been just as traumatized to see his older brother violated and not being able to do anything as Ed was. But he just hunched his shoulders and sighed against his knees. Dirty, disgusting and he didn’t deserve any kindness that was offered to him. His reflection stared back at him with tired golden eyes, cropped hair falling into his face.
“I’m not hungry, Al,” and the thought that had been plaguing him since he had first woken up in the hospital pulled at the back of his mind, making his heart ache. Who would touch him now? How could he walk into headquarters and look anyone in the eye? Worst of all would be the pity. Pity would swallow him whole.
If Al left the room, he never noticed.
Teeth marks riddled the pen he had been writing with, plastic cracking all along the round, slender body of the writing tool. It was a habit he thought he had kicked when he was still a teenager but it seemed his distress was great enough that he had unconsciously fallen back into it. He was supposed to be filling out the rest of his paperwork before the day ended but he had been so distracted lately, it was difficult to focus. As a matter of fact, it had been hard to concentrate on anything for nearly three weeks now. After all, it was hard to forget the missing presence of one of his subordinates, especially that one in particular. There was another whole week before Ed was required to report back to headquarters as he had given the boy an entire month, if not to get over what had been done to him, at least to heal his more physical injuries. Yet the more he thought about it, the more frustrated he became.
It shouldn’t have happened this way. It shouldn’t have happened at all. He had thought that, between the boys’ skill at protecting themselves and his strict guidelines, nothing truly bad could happen. Sure, they got themselves into a lot of trouble that he usually was left cleaning up after and they had seen and been through more shit in their scant handful of years than most people had in their entire lives but the scenario of them getting kidnapped for absolutely no reason he could discern and used so brutally had never once entered his mind. How foolish that had been on his part. Just because he could not imagine doing such things to a fellow human being, especially two as bright and as incredible as the Elric brothers did not mean there weren’t people out there who would. And did.
Just the very thought had him gritting his teeth angrily and before he knew it, the weakened plastic had snapped in his grip and ink dripped onto the papers strewn on the desk, ruining the top most few. Cursing, he quickly dabbed at it with the edge of his sleeve, ruining yet another jacket but it was either that or he would have to get another copy and have to explain himself to his Lt. Again. Even so, he finally gave it up as hopeless and yanked a few napkins from one of his top drawers of his desk to wipe of his fingers, glowering the entire time. Damn cheap pens. The ink was going to linger around his fingernails for the rest of the day and he had ruined his jacket for nothing because it would seem he still needed to get new copies of the papers that had been liberally spattered. He was still cursing and wiping his fingers off when there was a polite knock on his door.
“Come in,” he called, blinking in confusion because he wasn’t expecting anyone this late in the day and feeling a little flatfooted at being caught off guard in such a disheveled state. Then his heart rate sky rocketed when Alphonse opened the door, looking as unsure and careful as a suit of armor could.
“Hey, Colonel. Do you have a minute?” his light tenor was subdued and the older man felt a flash of concern. He stood, trying to seem confident but the only reason Al could be here was for his brother. The thought that something was wrong with the young alchemist had a strange bolt of fear rocketing through his chest. It was strange because while he was worried about his young subordinate, he couldn’t think what would bring on such a strong emotion such as fear. Yet he was, irrationally so.
“Of course, Alphonse, I always have time for you. How are you doing? Is everything okay?” the boy had told him, when he had visited Ed while the blond was still in the hospital, an abbreviated version of what had happened to them while trapped in that warehouse and he was under no illusions that either of the boys would be getting past that for a very long time, if ever. But with Al, there was no way to see shadows haunting his gaze because he didn’t have eyes with which to hide behind. Instead he had cold metal and a pure heart.
“Okay, I guess. Thank you,” always so polite, the complete opposite of his brother and a second later Roy had to force down a flinch at the thought. The armor in front of him seemed to have the same idea because he lifted one hand as if he would rub the back of his neck, looking surprisingly unassuming, “Sir, I was wondering…” and he faded off, his confidence wavering. The older man had to smile slightly at the endearing gesture and waved towards one of the couches that occupied the space on the other side of his desk.
“Why don’t you take a seat,” and Al nodded but didn’t take it. Instead he stood in the middle of the room exuding awkwardness and looking lost. It was like he had a favor to ask but couldn’t seem to put what he wanted into words. The Colonel didn’t like how bothered he was by the thought; typically it was the older brother that went around asking for favors while Al just soothed the frazzled moods Ed left behind once he was done.
“Um, there is something that I wanted to ask of you, and you can say no if you don’t want to because it’s a really big favor but I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t for Ed,” the glowing pits that substituted for the younger man’s eyes shifted away and then he heaved a sigh, the metal shoulders dipping dramatically, “Ed’s in trouble and I don’t know how to help him,” the boy finally blurted and again that niggling feeling of dread tugged at the older man’s gut, the image of the blond alchemist lying broken on a warehouse floor coming back to him so that he had to grit his teeth against the anger. They had been looking for the men who had kidnapped the two boys so diligently, it had become their only case. Riza had warned him about obsession but he’d promised himself never to give up until the scum who had left such a brilliant person so shattered were caught and made to pay for what they had done. Unfortunately, there had been no clues left behind, as if they had never been and the investigation was starting to go cold. He couldn’t look into those wide golden eyes with such a failure weighing him down but if there was anything he could do to help the boy, he would do it.
“What’s wrong?” he asked though he knew that there were probably a dozen answers to that question. He wasn’t sure what he could do for Ed that his brother couldn’t but he hated the helpless feeling he had been living with for three weeks. If they couldn’t catch the bastards who had started this whole thing then surely there was something else that he could do to help.
“He’s not acting like himself. I mean, I know that after…that…I know that he wouldn’t be the same, especially not at first but it’s like he’s not even there. He doesn’t eat anymore, he barely talks and he hasn’t used alchemy at all. I can barely be in the same room with him because half the time he doesn’t even know I’m there. I’ve tried talking to doctors and psychologists but they can’t do anything if he isn’t willing to cooperate,” Roy could hear the note of desperation in the boy’s voice and nearly choked on a swell of pity. Life was so cruel sometimes with the hands that it dealt people. Al and Ed were each other’s life. He was well aware of their history and they had very few people they could rely on and allow themselves to love; they needed each other to survive. It was something he understood from the very beginning. And now this. Life was just not fair, “I wouldn’t have gone behind his back and would have let him deal with it on his own except he’s not taking care of himself! The last time this happened, I wasn’t of much help either,” He thought back to the time he had first met the boys, Ed missing two limbs and sitting in a bed with a dull apathy wearing behind his gaze. It seemed such a long time ago now.
“What was it that changed the first time?” he asked aloud, curious despite himself but Al just looked at him instead of answering. That in itself was strange. Finally he sighed and rubbed his hands through his hair, something he didn’t do unless he was under a good deal of stress, “Alright, Alphonse, but why do you think I’ll be able to help if no one else can?” at first he was sure he could see a faint deepening of color along the helmet of Al’s armor as the boy looked away in discomfort but a moment later he realized that was impossible. Even so, the younger man’s anxiety nearly screamed at him.
“Um, well, just…just promise me you won’t say anything to Ed. He’ll kill me if he knew I told you,” well, that was an intriguing reaction and he couldn’t help the way one dark eyebrow arched towards his hairline, the image of Al practically squirming nearly making him laugh aloud.
“I won’t say anything,” his voice sounded so deep compared to the boy’s light tenor but he was glad it retained more than enough seriousness to convince him. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been that Al would be acting like this but the response he got was probably the last on a list of possibilities that would never have occurred to him. The strange, hollow gaze met his own dark eyes and he could see the boy’s resignation before he was nearly knocked off his feet.
“Ed’s…been in love with you for nearly two years,” and in the long minutes it took for him to find where his breath had gone, he wondered at the odd flutter his heart did when he thought of the boy called the Fullmetal Alchemist loving him.
**
It was actually more difficult getting Ed to his house than he had anticipated. From the way Al had described him, he was expecting a desolate shell that Roy would have to extract the blond alchemist from but when the boy heard the arrangements that had been made without his prior knowledge, he went berserk. The Colonel was glad to note that the issue of getting the kid to do alchemy wasn’t going to be a problem, as his nearly cracked skull could attest to. Yet it seemed the fight took too much out of him for he finally gave up and slumped against a broken wall, uttering a soft, “I don’t care,” It was so unlike Ed that Roy had to keep himself from going up to the boy and shaking him until the fiery life he was used to seeing in his wide, golden eyes returned, if just for a moment.
Unfortunately that course of action was a huge no.
Al had to actually give him a list of things he couldn’t do or Ed would dissolve into some kind of mental breakdown and while he realized that at some point the boy would have to overcome his fears, Roy didn’t want to see what would happen if he should push too much. Al didn’t tell the older man exactly what the breakdown could mean or what would happen should it occur but he couldn’t touch the blond at all, nor come within five feet of him without sparking some kind of fear reaction. When entering a room that the young alchemist occupied, he had to make sure Ed heard him or he would freak out if he realized he wasn’t alone but hadn’t heard anyone approach. Actually, the younger brother had mentioned in his subdued tones, that surprises of any kind were probably not the best way to go. Last, but most importantly, never wake Ed from a nightmare. Al had looked at him and said, “The first and only time I did that, he nearly killed me and I don’t even have a body to kill,” Needless to say, it had been profound enough to impress upon him the importance of keeping to such things in mind while having Ed staying with him.
Amazingly enough, after the blonde’s initial reaction, getting him to Roy’s house wasn’t that difficult. Al talked the entire car ride, his cheerful voice easing the somewhat tense atmosphere but Ed’s fascinating eyes never once left the scenery flashing by. Still, the older man couldn’t help but watch him through the rear-view mirror. He didn’t look any different (though he wasn’t sure why he thought he would), besides the fact that he was too skinny and his hair, much cleaner now than when he had seen it last, brushed against his jaw. The look was actually rather flattering on the boy but one time he caught how a slender hand reached up and tugged at the shorn ends and he realized the younger alchemist missed his braid. The realization gave the Colonel a sharp pang that wrenched painfully in his gut and he kept his eyes on the road until he pulled into his own driveway. He knew that Ed would hate him for pitying him so he was careful to keep it bottled away. The younger alchemist was staying with him so he could see if he could help the kid, not piss him off.
Problem was that even if Ed was in love with him like Al said he was, the Colonel didn’t know what he could do to draw the kid from the shadows of his own mind.
“Thank you again, Colonel, for doing this. If anyone can help him, it’s you,” He wondered at that but could find no verification in the gold eyes as Ed had just stepped out of the car and walk into the house, not looking at anyone or even seeming to register where he was. It surprised him as he would have thought the kid would be leery upon entering a strange house but he reasoned it wasn’t like he didn’t know to whom it belonged.
“I hope so,” he said and didn’t voice his doubts. There was a gnawing, ever present fear that gripped him, having begun the moment he had agreed to letting Ed stay with him, that he would not be able to help the boy after all. Then he looked at Al who was standing in the driveway, armor glinting in the gold light of the falling sun, once again looking lost, “Are you sure you don’t want to stay? I have plenty of guest rooms,” but the boy shook his head and looked mournfully at the door behind which his older brother had already disappeared.
“No but thank you. I have already made arrangements with Winry; she’s already on her way to stay with me. I think my presence does him more harm right now than good,” and Roy remembered how their kidnappers had made the younger brother watch. Swallowing bile, he followed the boy’s gaze and felt another flutter of fear which was quickly followed by determination. He had known Ed since he was eleven; if there was even the slightest chance that he could make even the smallest bit of difference and bring back the smoldering life to those beautiful golden eyes, he wouldn’t give up and he wouldn’t falter.
Even so, he knew it wouldn’t be easy. Far from it.
That night, he made sure to knock on the door of the little nook off the kitchen where the blond had holed himself in and announce himself when he brought the boy dinner. The dim light from the lamp hanging over the window seat shone like a soft halo on the golden head. Yet before he could even place the tray on the table beside him, there was a soft sound, like a sigh and he found himself looking into shadowed yellow eyes. It surprised him to find that they weren’t as lifeless as he had seen once before but there was a deep darkness that shadowed the glowing flames that had once been snapping in their depths.
“Where’s Al?” there was no inflection in the husky tenor but he thought he could detect a flicker of worry. He had to refrain himself from reaching out and brushing back the boy’s bangs which were a little longer than the rest of his hair and kept tangling with his long eyelashes.
“He went home but he said he’d come back and see you tomorrow. Do you mind that you’ll be staying here with me?” He figured it could only help to get the boy to start inserting his opinions like he used to do without fear. The gold eyes blinked at him for a long moment, studying his face and then Ed looked back out the window, face like a still pool.
“No. I don’t mind,” Roy sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair then glanced at the tray of food he had brought for the kid. It was easy to digest kinds of food, just a large bowl of chicken broth, some crackers and an apple. But he figured even if the kid only ate just a little, it would be better than nothing at all.
“I brought you some dinner. You should eat it,” the slim shoulders shrugged under the thin t-shirt the boy was wearing, the automail looking almost too big on Ed’s wasting frame.
“I’m not hungry,” the response sounded almost automatic and he felt an irrational flash of anger, looking at the way the blonde’s shoulder blades stuck out against the material of his shirt and the way his spine pressed so hard through his skin, Roy was sure he would be able to count each individual vertebra. He shoved the little table closer in a motion that was hard enough to make some of the broth slopped out of the bowl and Ed flinch away. He couldn’t help the snarl his voice became as he glared at the sad figure.
“Fine. Do what you like, don’t eat. It’s not like you to just give up, though, Ed,” and he stalked from the room without a backwards glance. Moments later he felt waves of guilt at having treated the boy like that. Perhaps this had not been the best idea after all. The anger he had felt wasn’t for the boy himself but at the entire situation and how he was rendered so helpless. If there was one thing Roy hated, it was the crushing feeling of uselessness.
Yet when he went in the room much later, after Ed had wandered off to bed, he found that most of the soup was gone and a few bites of the apple were missing, the places where teeth had broken skin now brown. Roy smiled as he picked up the tray and realized that had been his first real smile in more than a month.
Maybe it wasn’t so hopeless after all.
chapter 3
Al knew. Al had seen it being done but even his touch Ed could not bear. In his mind’s eye he kept seeing his little brother being forced to watch, watch as faceless men tried to break him. He had a feeling they succeeded.
Life would have to move on eventually; he couldn’t sit in their tiny little apartment with his knees pressed to his chest as he looked out from the relative safety of the window at the world outside for the rest of his life. Yet that world had touched him in such a way he could never again escape from and he felt safer with a barrier between himself and the vast evil that lurked in the shadows.
“Nii-san,” he didn’t look up when Al called him and didn’t acknowledge his presence in the room. By the smell filling the small living space, his brother had dinner ready but he wouldn’t eat it. Not tonight. They could force him to eat while he was in the hospital but here he could starve if he felt like it, “Dinner’s ready, Nii-san,” and for a moment he felt a pang of guilt. It wasn’t his little brother’s fault and he could hardly blame him. No doubt the boy had been just as traumatized to see his older brother violated and not being able to do anything as Ed was. But he just hunched his shoulders and sighed against his knees. Dirty, disgusting and he didn’t deserve any kindness that was offered to him. His reflection stared back at him with tired golden eyes, cropped hair falling into his face.
“I’m not hungry, Al,” and the thought that had been plaguing him since he had first woken up in the hospital pulled at the back of his mind, making his heart ache. Who would touch him now? How could he walk into headquarters and look anyone in the eye? Worst of all would be the pity. Pity would swallow him whole.
If Al left the room, he never noticed.
Teeth marks riddled the pen he had been writing with, plastic cracking all along the round, slender body of the writing tool. It was a habit he thought he had kicked when he was still a teenager but it seemed his distress was great enough that he had unconsciously fallen back into it. He was supposed to be filling out the rest of his paperwork before the day ended but he had been so distracted lately, it was difficult to focus. As a matter of fact, it had been hard to concentrate on anything for nearly three weeks now. After all, it was hard to forget the missing presence of one of his subordinates, especially that one in particular. There was another whole week before Ed was required to report back to headquarters as he had given the boy an entire month, if not to get over what had been done to him, at least to heal his more physical injuries. Yet the more he thought about it, the more frustrated he became.
It shouldn’t have happened this way. It shouldn’t have happened at all. He had thought that, between the boys’ skill at protecting themselves and his strict guidelines, nothing truly bad could happen. Sure, they got themselves into a lot of trouble that he usually was left cleaning up after and they had seen and been through more shit in their scant handful of years than most people had in their entire lives but the scenario of them getting kidnapped for absolutely no reason he could discern and used so brutally had never once entered his mind. How foolish that had been on his part. Just because he could not imagine doing such things to a fellow human being, especially two as bright and as incredible as the Elric brothers did not mean there weren’t people out there who would. And did.
Just the very thought had him gritting his teeth angrily and before he knew it, the weakened plastic had snapped in his grip and ink dripped onto the papers strewn on the desk, ruining the top most few. Cursing, he quickly dabbed at it with the edge of his sleeve, ruining yet another jacket but it was either that or he would have to get another copy and have to explain himself to his Lt. Again. Even so, he finally gave it up as hopeless and yanked a few napkins from one of his top drawers of his desk to wipe of his fingers, glowering the entire time. Damn cheap pens. The ink was going to linger around his fingernails for the rest of the day and he had ruined his jacket for nothing because it would seem he still needed to get new copies of the papers that had been liberally spattered. He was still cursing and wiping his fingers off when there was a polite knock on his door.
“Come in,” he called, blinking in confusion because he wasn’t expecting anyone this late in the day and feeling a little flatfooted at being caught off guard in such a disheveled state. Then his heart rate sky rocketed when Alphonse opened the door, looking as unsure and careful as a suit of armor could.
“Hey, Colonel. Do you have a minute?” his light tenor was subdued and the older man felt a flash of concern. He stood, trying to seem confident but the only reason Al could be here was for his brother. The thought that something was wrong with the young alchemist had a strange bolt of fear rocketing through his chest. It was strange because while he was worried about his young subordinate, he couldn’t think what would bring on such a strong emotion such as fear. Yet he was, irrationally so.
“Of course, Alphonse, I always have time for you. How are you doing? Is everything okay?” the boy had told him, when he had visited Ed while the blond was still in the hospital, an abbreviated version of what had happened to them while trapped in that warehouse and he was under no illusions that either of the boys would be getting past that for a very long time, if ever. But with Al, there was no way to see shadows haunting his gaze because he didn’t have eyes with which to hide behind. Instead he had cold metal and a pure heart.
“Okay, I guess. Thank you,” always so polite, the complete opposite of his brother and a second later Roy had to force down a flinch at the thought. The armor in front of him seemed to have the same idea because he lifted one hand as if he would rub the back of his neck, looking surprisingly unassuming, “Sir, I was wondering…” and he faded off, his confidence wavering. The older man had to smile slightly at the endearing gesture and waved towards one of the couches that occupied the space on the other side of his desk.
“Why don’t you take a seat,” and Al nodded but didn’t take it. Instead he stood in the middle of the room exuding awkwardness and looking lost. It was like he had a favor to ask but couldn’t seem to put what he wanted into words. The Colonel didn’t like how bothered he was by the thought; typically it was the older brother that went around asking for favors while Al just soothed the frazzled moods Ed left behind once he was done.
“Um, there is something that I wanted to ask of you, and you can say no if you don’t want to because it’s a really big favor but I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t for Ed,” the glowing pits that substituted for the younger man’s eyes shifted away and then he heaved a sigh, the metal shoulders dipping dramatically, “Ed’s in trouble and I don’t know how to help him,” the boy finally blurted and again that niggling feeling of dread tugged at the older man’s gut, the image of the blond alchemist lying broken on a warehouse floor coming back to him so that he had to grit his teeth against the anger. They had been looking for the men who had kidnapped the two boys so diligently, it had become their only case. Riza had warned him about obsession but he’d promised himself never to give up until the scum who had left such a brilliant person so shattered were caught and made to pay for what they had done. Unfortunately, there had been no clues left behind, as if they had never been and the investigation was starting to go cold. He couldn’t look into those wide golden eyes with such a failure weighing him down but if there was anything he could do to help the boy, he would do it.
“What’s wrong?” he asked though he knew that there were probably a dozen answers to that question. He wasn’t sure what he could do for Ed that his brother couldn’t but he hated the helpless feeling he had been living with for three weeks. If they couldn’t catch the bastards who had started this whole thing then surely there was something else that he could do to help.
“He’s not acting like himself. I mean, I know that after…that…I know that he wouldn’t be the same, especially not at first but it’s like he’s not even there. He doesn’t eat anymore, he barely talks and he hasn’t used alchemy at all. I can barely be in the same room with him because half the time he doesn’t even know I’m there. I’ve tried talking to doctors and psychologists but they can’t do anything if he isn’t willing to cooperate,” Roy could hear the note of desperation in the boy’s voice and nearly choked on a swell of pity. Life was so cruel sometimes with the hands that it dealt people. Al and Ed were each other’s life. He was well aware of their history and they had very few people they could rely on and allow themselves to love; they needed each other to survive. It was something he understood from the very beginning. And now this. Life was just not fair, “I wouldn’t have gone behind his back and would have let him deal with it on his own except he’s not taking care of himself! The last time this happened, I wasn’t of much help either,” He thought back to the time he had first met the boys, Ed missing two limbs and sitting in a bed with a dull apathy wearing behind his gaze. It seemed such a long time ago now.
“What was it that changed the first time?” he asked aloud, curious despite himself but Al just looked at him instead of answering. That in itself was strange. Finally he sighed and rubbed his hands through his hair, something he didn’t do unless he was under a good deal of stress, “Alright, Alphonse, but why do you think I’ll be able to help if no one else can?” at first he was sure he could see a faint deepening of color along the helmet of Al’s armor as the boy looked away in discomfort but a moment later he realized that was impossible. Even so, the younger man’s anxiety nearly screamed at him.
“Um, well, just…just promise me you won’t say anything to Ed. He’ll kill me if he knew I told you,” well, that was an intriguing reaction and he couldn’t help the way one dark eyebrow arched towards his hairline, the image of Al practically squirming nearly making him laugh aloud.
“I won’t say anything,” his voice sounded so deep compared to the boy’s light tenor but he was glad it retained more than enough seriousness to convince him. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been that Al would be acting like this but the response he got was probably the last on a list of possibilities that would never have occurred to him. The strange, hollow gaze met his own dark eyes and he could see the boy’s resignation before he was nearly knocked off his feet.
“Ed’s…been in love with you for nearly two years,” and in the long minutes it took for him to find where his breath had gone, he wondered at the odd flutter his heart did when he thought of the boy called the Fullmetal Alchemist loving him.
**
It was actually more difficult getting Ed to his house than he had anticipated. From the way Al had described him, he was expecting a desolate shell that Roy would have to extract the blond alchemist from but when the boy heard the arrangements that had been made without his prior knowledge, he went berserk. The Colonel was glad to note that the issue of getting the kid to do alchemy wasn’t going to be a problem, as his nearly cracked skull could attest to. Yet it seemed the fight took too much out of him for he finally gave up and slumped against a broken wall, uttering a soft, “I don’t care,” It was so unlike Ed that Roy had to keep himself from going up to the boy and shaking him until the fiery life he was used to seeing in his wide, golden eyes returned, if just for a moment.
Unfortunately that course of action was a huge no.
Al had to actually give him a list of things he couldn’t do or Ed would dissolve into some kind of mental breakdown and while he realized that at some point the boy would have to overcome his fears, Roy didn’t want to see what would happen if he should push too much. Al didn’t tell the older man exactly what the breakdown could mean or what would happen should it occur but he couldn’t touch the blond at all, nor come within five feet of him without sparking some kind of fear reaction. When entering a room that the young alchemist occupied, he had to make sure Ed heard him or he would freak out if he realized he wasn’t alone but hadn’t heard anyone approach. Actually, the younger brother had mentioned in his subdued tones, that surprises of any kind were probably not the best way to go. Last, but most importantly, never wake Ed from a nightmare. Al had looked at him and said, “The first and only time I did that, he nearly killed me and I don’t even have a body to kill,” Needless to say, it had been profound enough to impress upon him the importance of keeping to such things in mind while having Ed staying with him.
Amazingly enough, after the blonde’s initial reaction, getting him to Roy’s house wasn’t that difficult. Al talked the entire car ride, his cheerful voice easing the somewhat tense atmosphere but Ed’s fascinating eyes never once left the scenery flashing by. Still, the older man couldn’t help but watch him through the rear-view mirror. He didn’t look any different (though he wasn’t sure why he thought he would), besides the fact that he was too skinny and his hair, much cleaner now than when he had seen it last, brushed against his jaw. The look was actually rather flattering on the boy but one time he caught how a slender hand reached up and tugged at the shorn ends and he realized the younger alchemist missed his braid. The realization gave the Colonel a sharp pang that wrenched painfully in his gut and he kept his eyes on the road until he pulled into his own driveway. He knew that Ed would hate him for pitying him so he was careful to keep it bottled away. The younger alchemist was staying with him so he could see if he could help the kid, not piss him off.
Problem was that even if Ed was in love with him like Al said he was, the Colonel didn’t know what he could do to draw the kid from the shadows of his own mind.
“Thank you again, Colonel, for doing this. If anyone can help him, it’s you,” He wondered at that but could find no verification in the gold eyes as Ed had just stepped out of the car and walk into the house, not looking at anyone or even seeming to register where he was. It surprised him as he would have thought the kid would be leery upon entering a strange house but he reasoned it wasn’t like he didn’t know to whom it belonged.
“I hope so,” he said and didn’t voice his doubts. There was a gnawing, ever present fear that gripped him, having begun the moment he had agreed to letting Ed stay with him, that he would not be able to help the boy after all. Then he looked at Al who was standing in the driveway, armor glinting in the gold light of the falling sun, once again looking lost, “Are you sure you don’t want to stay? I have plenty of guest rooms,” but the boy shook his head and looked mournfully at the door behind which his older brother had already disappeared.
“No but thank you. I have already made arrangements with Winry; she’s already on her way to stay with me. I think my presence does him more harm right now than good,” and Roy remembered how their kidnappers had made the younger brother watch. Swallowing bile, he followed the boy’s gaze and felt another flutter of fear which was quickly followed by determination. He had known Ed since he was eleven; if there was even the slightest chance that he could make even the smallest bit of difference and bring back the smoldering life to those beautiful golden eyes, he wouldn’t give up and he wouldn’t falter.
Even so, he knew it wouldn’t be easy. Far from it.
That night, he made sure to knock on the door of the little nook off the kitchen where the blond had holed himself in and announce himself when he brought the boy dinner. The dim light from the lamp hanging over the window seat shone like a soft halo on the golden head. Yet before he could even place the tray on the table beside him, there was a soft sound, like a sigh and he found himself looking into shadowed yellow eyes. It surprised him to find that they weren’t as lifeless as he had seen once before but there was a deep darkness that shadowed the glowing flames that had once been snapping in their depths.
“Where’s Al?” there was no inflection in the husky tenor but he thought he could detect a flicker of worry. He had to refrain himself from reaching out and brushing back the boy’s bangs which were a little longer than the rest of his hair and kept tangling with his long eyelashes.
“He went home but he said he’d come back and see you tomorrow. Do you mind that you’ll be staying here with me?” He figured it could only help to get the boy to start inserting his opinions like he used to do without fear. The gold eyes blinked at him for a long moment, studying his face and then Ed looked back out the window, face like a still pool.
“No. I don’t mind,” Roy sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair then glanced at the tray of food he had brought for the kid. It was easy to digest kinds of food, just a large bowl of chicken broth, some crackers and an apple. But he figured even if the kid only ate just a little, it would be better than nothing at all.
“I brought you some dinner. You should eat it,” the slim shoulders shrugged under the thin t-shirt the boy was wearing, the automail looking almost too big on Ed’s wasting frame.
“I’m not hungry,” the response sounded almost automatic and he felt an irrational flash of anger, looking at the way the blonde’s shoulder blades stuck out against the material of his shirt and the way his spine pressed so hard through his skin, Roy was sure he would be able to count each individual vertebra. He shoved the little table closer in a motion that was hard enough to make some of the broth slopped out of the bowl and Ed flinch away. He couldn’t help the snarl his voice became as he glared at the sad figure.
“Fine. Do what you like, don’t eat. It’s not like you to just give up, though, Ed,” and he stalked from the room without a backwards glance. Moments later he felt waves of guilt at having treated the boy like that. Perhaps this had not been the best idea after all. The anger he had felt wasn’t for the boy himself but at the entire situation and how he was rendered so helpless. If there was one thing Roy hated, it was the crushing feeling of uselessness.
Yet when he went in the room much later, after Ed had wandered off to bed, he found that most of the soup was gone and a few bites of the apple were missing, the places where teeth had broken skin now brown. Roy smiled as he picked up the tray and realized that had been his first real smile in more than a month.
Maybe it wasn’t so hopeless after all.
chapter 3