Oh god, my head...
It's Monday... ugh. I was seconds away from not going to work today, but I made it and I'm here. I have a hangover you could write a novel about. Always a sign you've been at a convention. :)
It wasn't a bad con or a 'crisis-con' this time, which is very nice. It was actually pretty mellow. Not much noteworthy happened, and I'm grateful for that. It gave me a few things to think about, although they are fairly disordered thoughts. Don't know if that's due to the toxication or what. After all, when you drink alcohol what you are really doing is poisoning yourself just a little bit. Speaking of drink, I think this is the first con I've ever been to where finding something to drink proved to be a challenge. The Deva party went dry - they went through 38 gallons of alcohol in four hours. I think that's a world record. I unfortunately didn't get into Biohazard, they were overcrowded and weren't letting anyone in who didn't have breasts they were willing to bare. They shut down the hotel bar at 1:20. It was a wierd con.
I bought a mask within an hour of arriving and stayed behind it for pretty much the whole thing. I felt the need to be able to pick and choose who was allowed to recognize me. I needed that space between me and the people around me, even though there were only a few there that I truly did not want to see.
{rant}
I guess I only had one moment of true unpleasantness. I might as well get that down and out of the way. An ex of mine was there - my last ex actually. I'd managed to avoid her, but she of course couldn't accept that and had to try to pull something shitty. She sent a girl named Julie after me - Julie being a very sweet girl that I've had a crush on for about two and a half years and will never get in a million more. Anyway, she sent her out to tell me how hurt Joyce was that I was avoiding her and I should just let it go. ::sighs:: If I was stalking the bitch, THEN that would be a 'let it go' situation. I don't want to be around her because I don't LIKE her. I just can't see a good person in her no matter how hard I look, and god knows I've TRIED. I know she shows things to other people that she doesn't show to me (wow, just like when we were dating), and I don't expect anyone else to share my opinion of her - but goddammit, I'm allowed to not like anybody I want. I should expect this sort of shit by now. See, her actually saying she's sorry would make it at least partly her responsibility. She's never been able to do that, so I have to 'let it go'. That makes it all MY responsibility, and plants the blame for our falling out squarely on my shoulders. That way I'M the one who's failed somehow. She's never hesitated to point out where I fail and she's never missed an opportunity to try and make me feel like less than a man.
If she's hurt that I don't want to be around her - Good. It'll do her some good to not get something she wants for a change. Maybe it'll help her eventually come to the realization that actions have consequences. Besides, I'm pretty sure all the fucking she's getting is helping her somehow fight through the pain, you know? My heart isn't exactly bleeding for her loss.
I'm done and off the subject now. It was just a really cheap shot in my eyes.
{/rant}
I saw a few people that I wanted to be able to spend more time with, but sadly didn't have a chance. I know if I go looking for it I'll be able to get a chance later, they're both pretty social people and have a lot of personal commitments which eats up their time at functions like this. So that's all good and I understand it, but it sort of makes me aware of how out of the loop I am.
Only one other thing that's really worth writing about I guess. I went with some friends from work and we all shared a motel room. I would up sharing a bed with one of them - all clothes remained on, it wasn't a sexual thing. Sometime during the night she started getting kind of friendly, and although I was pretty goddamn *hungry* at that point I just couldn't make myself take it anywhere. It wasn't even a question of not liking her 'that way' or the fact we work together and it would have been a bad idea or anything like that. I just couldn't.
I think the trust just wasn't there. When you're drunk off your ass, hard as a rock, have a cute girl trying to touch you, and you can't DO anything about it... I'm not sure what that says.
We haven't talked about it. I'm just not sure what to do with it right now.
Write more later maybe. Too groggy right now. But on a scale of 1-10, I'd give this weekend a 7. I'm glad I went.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY:
"If everyone's a freak and you're normal, then you're the freak."
--Roger, College Roommates From Hell
It wasn't a bad con or a 'crisis-con' this time, which is very nice. It was actually pretty mellow. Not much noteworthy happened, and I'm grateful for that. It gave me a few things to think about, although they are fairly disordered thoughts. Don't know if that's due to the toxication or what. After all, when you drink alcohol what you are really doing is poisoning yourself just a little bit. Speaking of drink, I think this is the first con I've ever been to where finding something to drink proved to be a challenge. The Deva party went dry - they went through 38 gallons of alcohol in four hours. I think that's a world record. I unfortunately didn't get into Biohazard, they were overcrowded and weren't letting anyone in who didn't have breasts they were willing to bare. They shut down the hotel bar at 1:20. It was a wierd con.
I bought a mask within an hour of arriving and stayed behind it for pretty much the whole thing. I felt the need to be able to pick and choose who was allowed to recognize me. I needed that space between me and the people around me, even though there were only a few there that I truly did not want to see.
{rant}
I guess I only had one moment of true unpleasantness. I might as well get that down and out of the way. An ex of mine was there - my last ex actually. I'd managed to avoid her, but she of course couldn't accept that and had to try to pull something shitty. She sent a girl named Julie after me - Julie being a very sweet girl that I've had a crush on for about two and a half years and will never get in a million more. Anyway, she sent her out to tell me how hurt Joyce was that I was avoiding her and I should just let it go. ::sighs:: If I was stalking the bitch, THEN that would be a 'let it go' situation. I don't want to be around her because I don't LIKE her. I just can't see a good person in her no matter how hard I look, and god knows I've TRIED. I know she shows things to other people that she doesn't show to me (wow, just like when we were dating), and I don't expect anyone else to share my opinion of her - but goddammit, I'm allowed to not like anybody I want. I should expect this sort of shit by now. See, her actually saying she's sorry would make it at least partly her responsibility. She's never been able to do that, so I have to 'let it go'. That makes it all MY responsibility, and plants the blame for our falling out squarely on my shoulders. That way I'M the one who's failed somehow. She's never hesitated to point out where I fail and she's never missed an opportunity to try and make me feel like less than a man.
If she's hurt that I don't want to be around her - Good. It'll do her some good to not get something she wants for a change. Maybe it'll help her eventually come to the realization that actions have consequences. Besides, I'm pretty sure all the fucking she's getting is helping her somehow fight through the pain, you know? My heart isn't exactly bleeding for her loss.
I'm done and off the subject now. It was just a really cheap shot in my eyes.
{/rant}
I saw a few people that I wanted to be able to spend more time with, but sadly didn't have a chance. I know if I go looking for it I'll be able to get a chance later, they're both pretty social people and have a lot of personal commitments which eats up their time at functions like this. So that's all good and I understand it, but it sort of makes me aware of how out of the loop I am.
Only one other thing that's really worth writing about I guess. I went with some friends from work and we all shared a motel room. I would up sharing a bed with one of them - all clothes remained on, it wasn't a sexual thing. Sometime during the night she started getting kind of friendly, and although I was pretty goddamn *hungry* at that point I just couldn't make myself take it anywhere. It wasn't even a question of not liking her 'that way' or the fact we work together and it would have been a bad idea or anything like that. I just couldn't.
I think the trust just wasn't there. When you're drunk off your ass, hard as a rock, have a cute girl trying to touch you, and you can't DO anything about it... I'm not sure what that says.
We haven't talked about it. I'm just not sure what to do with it right now.
Write more later maybe. Too groggy right now. But on a scale of 1-10, I'd give this weekend a 7. I'm glad I went.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY:
"If everyone's a freak and you're normal, then you're the freak."
--Roger, College Roommates From Hell