Reflection
As I am now living on my own in Long Beach, i have a lot more time to myself in which i can reflect.
I have been enjoying myself down here, the people are nice, and it's nice to have an apartment of my own.
It is my birthday in 3 days, and i admit that more and more in the past couple of weeks i have found myself reflecting on all of my relationships with people most and foremost being my relationships with my Mom and brother Zach.
I know that this is a subject seldom breached by me with anybody, but i have thought about them a lot.
I miss them greatly.
I know that i have gone through many experiences, many emotions, and many ways of looking at life since they've gone, and i know that some of those experiences, emotions, or ways of looking at life have affected others around me, and for that i'm sorry. It's taken me a long time to grow up and truly be able to grasp this thing we know as life...and i'm really only just beginning.
Everything that i have said or done in the last 3 years has been greatly skewed by this. I've acted in ways that i can't begin to explain, and i've also done everything i possibly could to make everybody think that i was ok, that nothing was wrong. And that started from the moment that i found out, in my car, driving Travis back to school all those years ago.
I want to say now that, in these 3 years there have been very few moments when i truly have been ok, and i say again, i'm only just now starting to be able to actually look at things.
I've mentioned in the past to a few people the desire to do something important, to do something special for my Mom and Zach. For everybody who knew them. In order to properly do that, I want to find the opportunity to talk to everybody who knew one or both of them. I'd like to make a documentary about them.
I would like to take my winter break to do this.
Of course i'm going to need support with this too. It won't be an easy task emotionally or in any other way.
I appreciate your taking the time to read this, and I appreciate your prayers.
Again, i'm sorry to those of you who i may have hurt or affected, and thank you to those who have stuck with me through thick and thin, and i forgive those of you who didn't.
I love you all.
Ben
I have been enjoying myself down here, the people are nice, and it's nice to have an apartment of my own.
It is my birthday in 3 days, and i admit that more and more in the past couple of weeks i have found myself reflecting on all of my relationships with people most and foremost being my relationships with my Mom and brother Zach.
I know that this is a subject seldom breached by me with anybody, but i have thought about them a lot.
I miss them greatly.
I know that i have gone through many experiences, many emotions, and many ways of looking at life since they've gone, and i know that some of those experiences, emotions, or ways of looking at life have affected others around me, and for that i'm sorry. It's taken me a long time to grow up and truly be able to grasp this thing we know as life...and i'm really only just beginning.
Everything that i have said or done in the last 3 years has been greatly skewed by this. I've acted in ways that i can't begin to explain, and i've also done everything i possibly could to make everybody think that i was ok, that nothing was wrong. And that started from the moment that i found out, in my car, driving Travis back to school all those years ago.
I want to say now that, in these 3 years there have been very few moments when i truly have been ok, and i say again, i'm only just now starting to be able to actually look at things.
I've mentioned in the past to a few people the desire to do something important, to do something special for my Mom and Zach. For everybody who knew them. In order to properly do that, I want to find the opportunity to talk to everybody who knew one or both of them. I'd like to make a documentary about them.
I would like to take my winter break to do this.
Of course i'm going to need support with this too. It won't be an easy task emotionally or in any other way.
I appreciate your taking the time to read this, and I appreciate your prayers.
Again, i'm sorry to those of you who i may have hurt or affected, and thank you to those who have stuck with me through thick and thin, and i forgive those of you who didn't.
I love you all.
Ben