(Untitled)

[niliwen]

A/N: Post. A day in the life snippet in a slightly different style. In 384 words.

My Fellow Survivor

Even if I hadn’t been there all that long, I knew enough about the school to know that another academic year would not mean a change in practices. We could expect the same muddled schedules, the queues at the offices, and of course,

Comments

[niliwen]

What do you think? I err towards the former though.

[keppiehed]

I like the immediacy of this. The style change suits you!

[niliwen]

Thanks! It was a little awkward at first, but I think it could be refined in other pieces in this style.

[keppiehed]

Hello! I'm one of your editors this week!

Corrections are in brackets as follows:

-We’d all long given up on the departments employing the Internet or text messaging to disseminate announcements[:] ironic for an institution located in the so-called “Text Capital” of the world.

- It was hard to tell who was who[m], especially when everyone was wearing the same dingy white.

There are some small comma things here and there, but generally this is sterling. As I commented when I first read it, I approve of your subtle style shift; you are a grounded enough writer and comfortable enough with the written word that it is not at all a gamble for you to try something new. It's a challenge for you without being a train wreck for the reader. There is an ease and a fluidity to your style, and I encourage you to push your boundaries even farther. Another solid entry this week!

[niliwen]

Thanks much!

Oh commas are the bane of me. I ought to read style manuals to get that right.

[keppiehed]

hehe, don't sweat it. They weren't even worth pointing out, as they introductory commas, which fall almost into a style choice in my opinion, especially in cases concerning dialogue. That's why I didn't bother with them. And I have to tell you, almost EVERYONE has comma mistakes. They are tricky little buggers! XD

[niliwen]

Yeah, I know. I think it's partly why I shied away from making lots of dialogue in this piece!

EDITOR (who has been apparently resurrected)

[silverflight8]

I looked and apparently I am still on the editor team! Here is your edit:

We’d all long given up on the departments employing the Internet or text messaging to disseminate announcements; ironic for an institution located in the so-called “Text Capital”
-This needs a comma or a more complete second clause ("it was ironic" perhaps).

Even before I could
-Read this and sort of heard an echo in my mind - you've used a very similar construction just above.

It was easy for me to get through despite my being on the small side
-Hm, consider taking out the "my"; it sounds vaguely wrong to me but I can't articulate why :(

I made up for it well with the huge red backpack I was facing
-Hm...is the narrator holding the bag?

nearly nudging me forward.
-Usually I think of the "nearly X me Y" as something big ("nearly pushed me off the step", etc) but the nudging seems a little low key!

In an instant I already knew who I was facing.
-I think here you don't need the 'already' - she's only just turned around.

on the dark side. He was a little

Re: EDITOR (who has been apparently resurrected)

[niliwen]

Thanks! And oh gosh, the 'facing' thing was definitely a typo!