It's been a while
Many of my blogs over the past few months have been my emotional interactions internally caused by someone else who I will not discuss.
This one is different. This is one entirely about myself, and some of the internal workings emotionally.
Don't expect insight or revelation or anything of the sort. Blogs are a drama or bitch fest for the most part and this will be no different. On with the show...
There have been times in the past where I have felt like one of the nephilim.
Tainted, cursed/blessed with something that many do not posses, something dark inside that can lead to places of astounding beauty or to pervasive immense darkness.
It comes and it goes. It is not something tangible in many ways, but in certain ways it is. I've seen it in myself in both moments of utter despair as well as true happiness. It rarely changes my outlook, but has a tendency to make things easier for me in both capacities.
The true question I ask myself of this is that is it a blessing or a curse? Does it make me crazy enough to need to be medicated or is this just the emotional scope possessed within?
I don't have easy answers for this, or any answers truthfully. Easy answers normally aren't once you start digging and working at them.
As of this day, I am in a form of limbo. The darkness inside, the parts of me that I rarely allow to manifest aren't gnawing at me, they aren't even truly bothering me. They have valid things to say at the moment and I am listening and deciding my next set course of actions.
This doesn't mean I'm going to go out and rape babies or murder or any of that nonsense. Just that the darker parts of myself are making DAMN good points at the moment and I'm listening is all.
The vain, the morbid, the hedonistic, the destructive, the chaotic,the infernal parts of myself are in my breath, my eyes, my thoughts.
This is combined with my new roommate and helping him deal with some of his issues and ultimately gaining another good friend.
Of those of you who know my past, this time it seems that I'm in control of these things, they might have the floor, but I'm ultimately the one who is deciding on what to do about it and how to utilize these ideas, not allowing them to consume or control me as in the past.
Yes, I'm going somewhere with this.
The main consequence and lesson that I've learned from the past year is that foresight is typically blind and hindsight isn't.
Simple, yes, but if you scratch the surface of that fairly obvious statement, there is a deeper undercurrent. One of many 'what if' questions, of wondering of what you've done in the past and why you did these things, why you missed certain flags or markers, and what the possible outcomes could have been.
In truth, these are all wishful thinking. What has been done is just that, done. It can't be changed. It has already happened. The reality is what you do with it. Do you, or I, or anyone have the constitution necessary for enough forgiveness and patience of ourselves to let our pasts not influence our present or future or is this an inhuman concept?
It certainly doesn't seem to prove itself true. More often then not it proves itself false.
I digress.
My infernal side seems to run deeper and stronger then just about everyone I know. At least to the extent that they'll admit.
I'm somewhat drawn to it. To shape it, to embrace my being into it, to learn how to use it to my advantage instead of having it be a hindrance.
This is why I'm wondering about the idea of the nephilim. I am not normal in this sense, and never have been.
For some reason manifestion is a large part of who and I am and what I do. I bring things out of myself that I didn't know existed. People still ask me what my motivation was for losing weight and I tell them a socially appropriate response, even though it's not true.
The truth is I don't know why I gained the will to do it or why I am trying to go back into that mindset. I just am.
This has been a wonderful break, but I need to get back to dishes & laundry. The joy of mindless robotic actions. Everyone take care, and for those of you who know who you are, I will expound upon these thoughts in private & in more detail. There are parts that have been omitted, like normal. Until next time. -Mk
This one is different. This is one entirely about myself, and some of the internal workings emotionally.
Don't expect insight or revelation or anything of the sort. Blogs are a drama or bitch fest for the most part and this will be no different. On with the show...
There have been times in the past where I have felt like one of the nephilim.
Tainted, cursed/blessed with something that many do not posses, something dark inside that can lead to places of astounding beauty or to pervasive immense darkness.
It comes and it goes. It is not something tangible in many ways, but in certain ways it is. I've seen it in myself in both moments of utter despair as well as true happiness. It rarely changes my outlook, but has a tendency to make things easier for me in both capacities.
The true question I ask myself of this is that is it a blessing or a curse? Does it make me crazy enough to need to be medicated or is this just the emotional scope possessed within?
I don't have easy answers for this, or any answers truthfully. Easy answers normally aren't once you start digging and working at them.
As of this day, I am in a form of limbo. The darkness inside, the parts of me that I rarely allow to manifest aren't gnawing at me, they aren't even truly bothering me. They have valid things to say at the moment and I am listening and deciding my next set course of actions.
This doesn't mean I'm going to go out and rape babies or murder or any of that nonsense. Just that the darker parts of myself are making DAMN good points at the moment and I'm listening is all.
The vain, the morbid, the hedonistic, the destructive, the chaotic,the infernal parts of myself are in my breath, my eyes, my thoughts.
This is combined with my new roommate and helping him deal with some of his issues and ultimately gaining another good friend.
Of those of you who know my past, this time it seems that I'm in control of these things, they might have the floor, but I'm ultimately the one who is deciding on what to do about it and how to utilize these ideas, not allowing them to consume or control me as in the past.
Yes, I'm going somewhere with this.
The main consequence and lesson that I've learned from the past year is that foresight is typically blind and hindsight isn't.
Simple, yes, but if you scratch the surface of that fairly obvious statement, there is a deeper undercurrent. One of many 'what if' questions, of wondering of what you've done in the past and why you did these things, why you missed certain flags or markers, and what the possible outcomes could have been.
In truth, these are all wishful thinking. What has been done is just that, done. It can't be changed. It has already happened. The reality is what you do with it. Do you, or I, or anyone have the constitution necessary for enough forgiveness and patience of ourselves to let our pasts not influence our present or future or is this an inhuman concept?
It certainly doesn't seem to prove itself true. More often then not it proves itself false.
I digress.
My infernal side seems to run deeper and stronger then just about everyone I know. At least to the extent that they'll admit.
I'm somewhat drawn to it. To shape it, to embrace my being into it, to learn how to use it to my advantage instead of having it be a hindrance.
This is why I'm wondering about the idea of the nephilim. I am not normal in this sense, and never have been.
For some reason manifestion is a large part of who and I am and what I do. I bring things out of myself that I didn't know existed. People still ask me what my motivation was for losing weight and I tell them a socially appropriate response, even though it's not true.
The truth is I don't know why I gained the will to do it or why I am trying to go back into that mindset. I just am.
This has been a wonderful break, but I need to get back to dishes & laundry. The joy of mindless robotic actions. Everyone take care, and for those of you who know who you are, I will expound upon these thoughts in private & in more detail. There are parts that have been omitted, like normal. Until next time. -Mk