(no subject)
For all the joy that one has in life, you would think that it would be enough, it would be satisfying. I can assure you that's not the case. We come to a point in our lives where there is just something missing, always, without fail, at the worst times in our lives. We take life and make it worse for ourselves, sometimes, bringing our addictions back to the forefront, not wanting to be in the lime light any longer. We pop our pills, chug our beers, snort our lines, and watch our life's stress fly away, while we, ourselves, hang our lives in the balance. We can't explain to others why we do this to not only ourselves, but to everyone around us. It consumes every part of our being. It destroys us from the inside out. This is addiction.
Time and time again I have told myself that I would never go back to drugs, and I have stood by my word without fail. There are others in my life that have not been so fortunate to do the same. The stress of the "sober world" is too much for them to handle with out their vice. They can't go for long periods of time without thinking about it, tasting it, feeling the high, the moment of complete and utter seduction.
Don't get me wrong, when something in my life comes out and slaps me in the face, I think of the pills, how easy it would be to just take a few. Ah, to be numb again. To delve into the black depths and avoid everything and everyone. Then I stop and think about it, and remember what that time in my life was like, not only for me, but for everyone that I cared about. I think about my children and my husband and remember why I decided to stay sober. They mean more to me than the high ever would.
For me, it wasn't always about the high. Sometimes I got high to disappear. Mainly I got high to concentrate on life, or at least that was my initial reason for popping pills. I thought that I could concentrate better on my school work stoned. That worked for me for quite a while. There was a significant change in my grades. Instead of getting worse, they got better. That was, until I started taking more and more pills to hide my depression of the fact that I was taking drugs in the first place, and I was alone.
The truth of the matter was, I was never alone. I was never "without" anyone in my life. I was surrounded by people that loved me and cared about me. I hid my addiction well. No one knew when I was high, or sober. I ruined a lot of friendships because of my addiction, my constant fluctuation in moods. People I thought were my friends, were never really friends at all. I didn't learn that until I entered rehab.
I realized that I needed help early on, but couldn't stop my addiction alone. I needed outside help. I needed to let it all go and find myself again. I don't know what really caused me to take a step back and notice that my life was falling appart at the age of 16, but it was, and I was on a steep down hill decent without emergency breaks. My life was chaos personified. I stole things, I lied, I was a horrible person. This was not me.
What started out as what I thought, a harmless way of helping me become a better person, came back on me tenfold, and I was unprepared for what would happen next. I entered rehabilitation at the age of 16, and one and a half months later, at the age of 17, left rehab, with an entirely new out look on life, and a fresh start.
It was difficult at first, to adjust to being sober and having to deal with life without hiding behind the pills. Adjusting to the fact that I had a mental disorder to go along with it just devastated me. I was told while in rehab, that I have Bi-Polar with Mood Disorder. That hurt me terribly to know that I was being told that I was sick still, and that it would be with me for the rest of my life. It wasn't until I got a little older that I fully understood my illness, and how to harness it without the aid of medication.
I so desperately wanted to not have to take pills on a daily basis. I tried to get them to lower the dosage every visit. The doctors didn't deem it necessary to do that. So I threw myself back into life, feet first this time around. I went twice a week to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, while going to school full time again. I went to therapy twice a month. I kept getting better, staying sober, still bitter about having to take medication, but going through the motions and biding my time until I no longer needed the medicine to help make me better.
It was through therapy that I harnessed my illness. I didn't let it control me, I controlled it. It took a long time to get to that point in my life where I was completely off of medication and in control. I had some rough patches where I couldn't take it anymore and I just wanted to hide under a rock, but I would gain my self confidence back and take hold of myself and everything would be alright again.
I have been completely sober for 6 years and three months now. Now life is about change and opportunity. I know now that nothing can be taken for granted. I learned that through my children's eyes. Seeing them soberly is one of the best things in my life. Seeing them is why I stay clean. I focus on the kids and my husband and don't even think about " man I need a fix" or anything of the sort. I realized how much I love life, and I love being able to think for myself. I take this experience with me, forever knowing that I have changed my own life, that I wanted to be sober, and stay that way. I can live, I can love, I can experience things that are real and not just imaginary, through sober eyes. It's the most beautiful and painful experience I will ever have. I would not trade it for all the money in the world.
This is my life. This is my experience. However painful life can be, I take it in, knowing that I am a better person from my lessons learned before. I wanted this for myself. I chose my life. No, scratch that, life chose me. Addiction will never have a grip on me again.
Time and time again I have told myself that I would never go back to drugs, and I have stood by my word without fail. There are others in my life that have not been so fortunate to do the same. The stress of the "sober world" is too much for them to handle with out their vice. They can't go for long periods of time without thinking about it, tasting it, feeling the high, the moment of complete and utter seduction.
Don't get me wrong, when something in my life comes out and slaps me in the face, I think of the pills, how easy it would be to just take a few. Ah, to be numb again. To delve into the black depths and avoid everything and everyone. Then I stop and think about it, and remember what that time in my life was like, not only for me, but for everyone that I cared about. I think about my children and my husband and remember why I decided to stay sober. They mean more to me than the high ever would.
For me, it wasn't always about the high. Sometimes I got high to disappear. Mainly I got high to concentrate on life, or at least that was my initial reason for popping pills. I thought that I could concentrate better on my school work stoned. That worked for me for quite a while. There was a significant change in my grades. Instead of getting worse, they got better. That was, until I started taking more and more pills to hide my depression of the fact that I was taking drugs in the first place, and I was alone.
The truth of the matter was, I was never alone. I was never "without" anyone in my life. I was surrounded by people that loved me and cared about me. I hid my addiction well. No one knew when I was high, or sober. I ruined a lot of friendships because of my addiction, my constant fluctuation in moods. People I thought were my friends, were never really friends at all. I didn't learn that until I entered rehab.
I realized that I needed help early on, but couldn't stop my addiction alone. I needed outside help. I needed to let it all go and find myself again. I don't know what really caused me to take a step back and notice that my life was falling appart at the age of 16, but it was, and I was on a steep down hill decent without emergency breaks. My life was chaos personified. I stole things, I lied, I was a horrible person. This was not me.
What started out as what I thought, a harmless way of helping me become a better person, came back on me tenfold, and I was unprepared for what would happen next. I entered rehabilitation at the age of 16, and one and a half months later, at the age of 17, left rehab, with an entirely new out look on life, and a fresh start.
It was difficult at first, to adjust to being sober and having to deal with life without hiding behind the pills. Adjusting to the fact that I had a mental disorder to go along with it just devastated me. I was told while in rehab, that I have Bi-Polar with Mood Disorder. That hurt me terribly to know that I was being told that I was sick still, and that it would be with me for the rest of my life. It wasn't until I got a little older that I fully understood my illness, and how to harness it without the aid of medication.
I so desperately wanted to not have to take pills on a daily basis. I tried to get them to lower the dosage every visit. The doctors didn't deem it necessary to do that. So I threw myself back into life, feet first this time around. I went twice a week to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, while going to school full time again. I went to therapy twice a month. I kept getting better, staying sober, still bitter about having to take medication, but going through the motions and biding my time until I no longer needed the medicine to help make me better.
It was through therapy that I harnessed my illness. I didn't let it control me, I controlled it. It took a long time to get to that point in my life where I was completely off of medication and in control. I had some rough patches where I couldn't take it anymore and I just wanted to hide under a rock, but I would gain my self confidence back and take hold of myself and everything would be alright again.
I have been completely sober for 6 years and three months now. Now life is about change and opportunity. I know now that nothing can be taken for granted. I learned that through my children's eyes. Seeing them soberly is one of the best things in my life. Seeing them is why I stay clean. I focus on the kids and my husband and don't even think about " man I need a fix" or anything of the sort. I realized how much I love life, and I love being able to think for myself. I take this experience with me, forever knowing that I have changed my own life, that I wanted to be sober, and stay that way. I can live, I can love, I can experience things that are real and not just imaginary, through sober eyes. It's the most beautiful and painful experience I will ever have. I would not trade it for all the money in the world.
This is my life. This is my experience. However painful life can be, I take it in, knowing that I am a better person from my lessons learned before. I wanted this for myself. I chose my life. No, scratch that, life chose me. Addiction will never have a grip on me again.