It's complicated.
A'son finally goes to see Milani. It's the end of things, for now.
The day after, mid-morning, Milani looking a little worse for wear has retreated to her office after the morning rush and is steadily working her way through a mound of correspondance with the door to her office open. The place doesn't look too different from when it was Hayda's demesne, just a few personal touches here and there. Pausing for a moment to rub the back of her neck, Milani sets her pen down and looks idly out towards the common room where there are old aunties knitting but preternatural quiet continues to reign, barring the odd word of dropped conversation.
A'son makes his tired, limpy way to Hayda's former office. He gets to the doorway, leans on the frame and looks appraisingly around the room. "The place never stops moving, even if it gets a little quiet." He says, negating the greeting part and eventually dropping his gaze to her.
Into Milani's field of vision comes a welcome sight. Her hand drops from the back of her neck and she just stares at him for a moment, a smile fighting its way onto her face, retreating, trying again. "No, it doesn't," she rasps out tiredly herself, takes a breath and pushes her chair back, comes around the desk and gestures for him to come in. "How're you holding up?" she asks as she draws nearer, eyes on his face.
A'son shrugs his shoulders. "How is everyone holding up? Most of us will cope easily enough day by day." He glances over his shoulder and reaches behind him, pulling the door closed for more privacy. He leans back into it, using it as a brace. "What about you? You're not really the 'most of us'. Tiriana... surviving okay?" His face is tight as he looks her over, taking into account the tired eyes.
Milani's eyes skip to the closing door, then back to him, coming to a halt just shy of his personal space. "N'thei's a wreck, Tiriana is swinging back and forth between coping and not, some of her clutchmates are still sleeping off large quantities of alcohol, my mother is ... up in her weyr making something and hasn't spoken since yesterday. My brother was here yesterday, that seemed to help a little." Her voice is quiet and her eyes stay right on his. "I'm ... still standing," Millie answers, swallows hard suddenly.
"I should go see him." A'son murmurs under his breath, looking to his right and picking a place on the wall to stare at. He listens to her and shakes his head slowly, an unsettled expression on his face. When he hears the difference in her tone, he glances back to catch her eyes. He pushes away from the door and holds his arms open, "I'm sorry."
"He'd appreciate that, I think," Milani says a little unsteadily. "It was weird we --" but he's pushing away from the door and holding his arms out to her and Milani's eyes get a little wider as she makes a small sound in the back of her throat. That might be relief on her face as she takes one step, two and folds herself into that embrace, one arm sliding up around his neck. "Oh Ays ..." she manages before her throat closes up and she burrows her nose into his collar, seeking out an all-too-familiar resting spot.
"Last night, someone asked me if hugging a person made them feel better, why wouldn't I do that? And I told them that sometimes things were more complicated than that." A'son says softly as he holds her, playing with the very ends of her hair. "I woke up this morning and realized that things /are/ complicated. But... something like this isn't. I'm sorry about the other day. I just don't know what to do when I see you, I think we're both different now."
"It can be ... doesn't have to be," Milani says in a low voice, words muffled by his shirt. Her own hand curls around the back of his neck, up into his hair. Her head tilts up a little though so she can see him, though she's not letting go. "I -- I'm sorry too," she says, small-voiced, the fingers of her other hand playing with his collar a little. "I kept hoping you'd come back, hoping I'd look up and see you some day. And then there you were and -- it was like everything was all stopped but moving fast all at the same time and there was Persie and Leova and --" deep breath and she nods, face thoughtful. "I grew up. You were Weyrleader and then you weren't. And --" she stops, shifts her hand up to his cheek. "I don't know what else is different," Millie murmurs softly. "But I'm not scared to find out. If you're not."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, not with us." A'son tells her, shaking his head. Leova's name on the other hand, makes him frown. Heavy with criticism, "And she brought you in on something that could be totally misconstrued. That's a fantastic friend you have there." He pulls back a little and presses his index finger on her nose. "You are, you have other things in your life. You have more responsibilities and just... You'll change more now than at any other point. And I don't know who I am right now and there are other things. Changes are going to come and they won't be easy." Removing his finger, he kisses her nose. "It might be easier if we just keep things the way they were before I came back. Even if that's hard. At least for now."
"She thought we'd be happy," Milani says earnestly about Leova, arm tightening a little. "I've talked to her ... about you, so much. She's helped to keep me afloat," the headwoman continues softly. "Takes me flying when I just ... need to you know /go/," Milani adds and traces his cheek with her fingers next. Her eyes right now, look like the stars are all falling right out of them, though she swallows hard and nods. "Probably the smart thing to do," she says in a very achey voice. "The grown up thing to do," she adds, trembling a little as his lips touch down to her nose. She turns back into him then, both arms wrapped around him. "I still love you," she whispers down low near his ear. "I never stopped. In spite of everything. Just knowing you're here ... it makes all this big stuff that much more bearable."
There's a small shake of his head. "I don't believe her." A'son's voice sounds insistent, like there isn't a thing in the world that could convince him of anything good about Leova. He squeezes her hard before pulling away and tipping her chin up. He leans in to kiss her lips gently and press his forehead into hers. "Probably, maybe. I don't know. I'm useless with things like this." There's a sigh from him and he says, "I still love you too." In a much drier tone, "I love you enough that I won't pick on that boyfriend of yours. The young one. Even if N'thei does think he's gay or something."
His disbelief about Leova, starts a protest on Milani's lips, but then he's kissing her and she kisses back, hand getting lost in his hair again. "Then we can, we can -- we can leave it be for now. Get to know each other again," she says decisively. "I can wait for you ... for us to catch up to each other again." That last though tilts her head back in surprise and she blinks at him. "I don't have a boyfriend," she says with a sigh and rolls her eyes. "He told me he called me a whore. He did /not/ tell me he told you that K'del is my boyfriend." Milani's lips purse faintly and she leans in to bump her nose against his. "We're friends. With benefits. I don't know how many other girls he's sleeping with, but it's probably quite a few, I don't ask," she says quite seriously. "I like him, he's a good guy, but I'm not in love with him."
A'son kisses her again, "You don't have to wait. Live your life, have fun. Don't worry so much about me." Reluctantly, "Alright, maybe boyfriend wasn't the word. Something about you fucking a sixteen year old and picking on him for being a queer since he won a greenflight." A'son then stops and repeats, "Sixteen year old. Couldn't you find someone... not sixteen?" There's a look of total bafflement when he really thinks about this. "Why would you want to sleep with a guy like that anyway? How many girls does he have to sleep with?"
"I haven't slept with anyone since you came back," Milani informs him quite seriously and blows out a long breath. "Do you really want me to go over every single guy I've fucked since we broke up?" she questions dubiously and then sighs softly. "He's ... sweet. And no strings," she murmurs, tries to lean her head down to his shoulder again. "No one could ever hold a candle to you, anyway. It wouldn't be fair to try to really be with someone else while I'm still in love with you."
He pulls away and holds his hand up, "Do you want to know how many women I've fucked since we broke up?" His fingers pull together and make the shape of a zero. "None, outside of Istan flights. That's zero intentionally sexual encounters." He leans back in and allows her to plae her head down again. "You can't deny yourself opportunities to live your life. If something happens, don't hold yourself back."
Milani's cheeks color right on up and her eyes drop. "Oh ..." she fiddles with his collar again, quiet for a while, swallowing hard again. "Does that include you? Because right now I'd really like to lock that door and pretend like the last turn and a half never happened," she chokes out, fingers tightening in fabric.
"Casual isn't my thing." A'son grabs her fingers and squeezes them, pulling in close to her. "Doesn't that just negate everything we just agreed on doing?" He asks, not making fun of her, sounding genuinely unsure. Then he kisses her again, softly. "I don't know. I don't want to make this more complicated than it already is."
"I know," Milani answers, curling against him when he draws her close. "It never has been." Her eyes lift to his and her shoulders shift in a little shrug. "Well it's kind of confusing you know, to say, live your life, seize opportunities, and the one big opportunity I really want is standing right here --" Kiss. She starts to really kiss him back on that one and is left breathless on the other side of it. "Does it have to be complicated at all?" Milani questions softly, hands lifting to cradle his face. "I love you. You love me. I want you. Do you want me? We could just figure out the rest as we go along. It doesn't have to be casual, but I'm not asking to move in, either." Which is of course, what she wanted before, when neither of them could leave where they were.
"We're not an opportunity and it is complicated." A'son says kissing her one more time before taking her hands and gently removing them from his face. "I love you, I really do. But I'm not sure this is good for either one of us right now. I'm confused and lost and you're... you. You have things to do, a life. I'm not saying that this is the end forever, but it's the end for now." There are soft kisses for those tender fingertips before he drops them. "No one is going to know me as well as you, there's always going to be something for us."
It might be understandable if Milani leans into that one wholeheartedly, doesn't seem to want to let it end. Ultimately she swallows hard a few times and nods. "I'm -- I'm here, if you need me. Just an ear. A friend." Her fingers tighten on his for a moment, but the tears might be unsurprising too, slipping slowly down her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she apologizes for them and lifts a hand to brush them away. "It's just hard to get you back, only to have to say good-bye all over again." Her hand lifts, brushes through his hair gently then retreats. A hanky comes out of her pocket and she blows her nose, wipes at her eyes.
"Don't be sorry. This is me, this isn't you." A'son steps back, allowing some distance to fall between them. "This isn't saying good-bye. I'm not going anywhere now." He sighs and shakes his head. "I've got to go find N'thei. Before he beats up Leova and takes her weyr, according to Nikoth." There's a wry smile and he lifts his hand, "Until later?"
Milani wraps her arms around her middle and nods a couple of times, smiling in spite of her blotchy face. "It's been a rotten couple of days," she says with a little sniffle. "And I /am/ glad you're here, that you're back and that you're /staying/," she says with a wry little laugh. "Yes, he probably needs you more than anyone else right now," she agrees, chin lifting a little. "He hated me for a while, Ays. We made up yesterday. It was all kinds of weird. I just thought you should know. He's been really mean and threatening for the last couple of turns, but losing her ..." her head shakes. "He cried. In front of me. Put his head on my shoulder and everything. To say that's not like him ... would be an understatement." Big breath again and she nods all the more energetically. "Leova's weyr? What the --? Go, go, because -- well she built this wall with trees and stuff. And ... it's important to her," the headwoman says emphatically." Now she's making little shooing, 'get out of here motions'. "Go be the hero, save the day," she says with a laugh and rests a hand against his forearm briefly, leans over to swing the door open. "Until later," she promises.
"Nikoth says he was threatening Vrianth last night to leave it. So I can't imagine things are going well there." A'son rolls his eyes and backs towards the door pulling it open. "Hero, ha. I've never been any sort of a hero. I think he just needs someone to beat up on. Don't be surprised if you see me with a black eye later on today." There's a rolling of his eyes before he dips out of the door and disappears down the hallway.
Milani smiles at him once. "Always been mine," she tells him and leans in the doorway, arms folding across her chest to watch him go. She doesn't go back to all that hidework until he's out of sight around the corner.
The day after, mid-morning, Milani looking a little worse for wear has retreated to her office after the morning rush and is steadily working her way through a mound of correspondance with the door to her office open. The place doesn't look too different from when it was Hayda's demesne, just a few personal touches here and there. Pausing for a moment to rub the back of her neck, Milani sets her pen down and looks idly out towards the common room where there are old aunties knitting but preternatural quiet continues to reign, barring the odd word of dropped conversation.
A'son makes his tired, limpy way to Hayda's former office. He gets to the doorway, leans on the frame and looks appraisingly around the room. "The place never stops moving, even if it gets a little quiet." He says, negating the greeting part and eventually dropping his gaze to her.
Into Milani's field of vision comes a welcome sight. Her hand drops from the back of her neck and she just stares at him for a moment, a smile fighting its way onto her face, retreating, trying again. "No, it doesn't," she rasps out tiredly herself, takes a breath and pushes her chair back, comes around the desk and gestures for him to come in. "How're you holding up?" she asks as she draws nearer, eyes on his face.
A'son shrugs his shoulders. "How is everyone holding up? Most of us will cope easily enough day by day." He glances over his shoulder and reaches behind him, pulling the door closed for more privacy. He leans back into it, using it as a brace. "What about you? You're not really the 'most of us'. Tiriana... surviving okay?" His face is tight as he looks her over, taking into account the tired eyes.
Milani's eyes skip to the closing door, then back to him, coming to a halt just shy of his personal space. "N'thei's a wreck, Tiriana is swinging back and forth between coping and not, some of her clutchmates are still sleeping off large quantities of alcohol, my mother is ... up in her weyr making something and hasn't spoken since yesterday. My brother was here yesterday, that seemed to help a little." Her voice is quiet and her eyes stay right on his. "I'm ... still standing," Millie answers, swallows hard suddenly.
"I should go see him." A'son murmurs under his breath, looking to his right and picking a place on the wall to stare at. He listens to her and shakes his head slowly, an unsettled expression on his face. When he hears the difference in her tone, he glances back to catch her eyes. He pushes away from the door and holds his arms open, "I'm sorry."
"He'd appreciate that, I think," Milani says a little unsteadily. "It was weird we --" but he's pushing away from the door and holding his arms out to her and Milani's eyes get a little wider as she makes a small sound in the back of her throat. That might be relief on her face as she takes one step, two and folds herself into that embrace, one arm sliding up around his neck. "Oh Ays ..." she manages before her throat closes up and she burrows her nose into his collar, seeking out an all-too-familiar resting spot.
"Last night, someone asked me if hugging a person made them feel better, why wouldn't I do that? And I told them that sometimes things were more complicated than that." A'son says softly as he holds her, playing with the very ends of her hair. "I woke up this morning and realized that things /are/ complicated. But... something like this isn't. I'm sorry about the other day. I just don't know what to do when I see you, I think we're both different now."
"It can be ... doesn't have to be," Milani says in a low voice, words muffled by his shirt. Her own hand curls around the back of his neck, up into his hair. Her head tilts up a little though so she can see him, though she's not letting go. "I -- I'm sorry too," she says, small-voiced, the fingers of her other hand playing with his collar a little. "I kept hoping you'd come back, hoping I'd look up and see you some day. And then there you were and -- it was like everything was all stopped but moving fast all at the same time and there was Persie and Leova and --" deep breath and she nods, face thoughtful. "I grew up. You were Weyrleader and then you weren't. And --" she stops, shifts her hand up to his cheek. "I don't know what else is different," Millie murmurs softly. "But I'm not scared to find out. If you're not."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, not with us." A'son tells her, shaking his head. Leova's name on the other hand, makes him frown. Heavy with criticism, "And she brought you in on something that could be totally misconstrued. That's a fantastic friend you have there." He pulls back a little and presses his index finger on her nose. "You are, you have other things in your life. You have more responsibilities and just... You'll change more now than at any other point. And I don't know who I am right now and there are other things. Changes are going to come and they won't be easy." Removing his finger, he kisses her nose. "It might be easier if we just keep things the way they were before I came back. Even if that's hard. At least for now."
"She thought we'd be happy," Milani says earnestly about Leova, arm tightening a little. "I've talked to her ... about you, so much. She's helped to keep me afloat," the headwoman continues softly. "Takes me flying when I just ... need to you know /go/," Milani adds and traces his cheek with her fingers next. Her eyes right now, look like the stars are all falling right out of them, though she swallows hard and nods. "Probably the smart thing to do," she says in a very achey voice. "The grown up thing to do," she adds, trembling a little as his lips touch down to her nose. She turns back into him then, both arms wrapped around him. "I still love you," she whispers down low near his ear. "I never stopped. In spite of everything. Just knowing you're here ... it makes all this big stuff that much more bearable."
There's a small shake of his head. "I don't believe her." A'son's voice sounds insistent, like there isn't a thing in the world that could convince him of anything good about Leova. He squeezes her hard before pulling away and tipping her chin up. He leans in to kiss her lips gently and press his forehead into hers. "Probably, maybe. I don't know. I'm useless with things like this." There's a sigh from him and he says, "I still love you too." In a much drier tone, "I love you enough that I won't pick on that boyfriend of yours. The young one. Even if N'thei does think he's gay or something."
His disbelief about Leova, starts a protest on Milani's lips, but then he's kissing her and she kisses back, hand getting lost in his hair again. "Then we can, we can -- we can leave it be for now. Get to know each other again," she says decisively. "I can wait for you ... for us to catch up to each other again." That last though tilts her head back in surprise and she blinks at him. "I don't have a boyfriend," she says with a sigh and rolls her eyes. "He told me he called me a whore. He did /not/ tell me he told you that K'del is my boyfriend." Milani's lips purse faintly and she leans in to bump her nose against his. "We're friends. With benefits. I don't know how many other girls he's sleeping with, but it's probably quite a few, I don't ask," she says quite seriously. "I like him, he's a good guy, but I'm not in love with him."
A'son kisses her again, "You don't have to wait. Live your life, have fun. Don't worry so much about me." Reluctantly, "Alright, maybe boyfriend wasn't the word. Something about you fucking a sixteen year old and picking on him for being a queer since he won a greenflight." A'son then stops and repeats, "Sixteen year old. Couldn't you find someone... not sixteen?" There's a look of total bafflement when he really thinks about this. "Why would you want to sleep with a guy like that anyway? How many girls does he have to sleep with?"
"I haven't slept with anyone since you came back," Milani informs him quite seriously and blows out a long breath. "Do you really want me to go over every single guy I've fucked since we broke up?" she questions dubiously and then sighs softly. "He's ... sweet. And no strings," she murmurs, tries to lean her head down to his shoulder again. "No one could ever hold a candle to you, anyway. It wouldn't be fair to try to really be with someone else while I'm still in love with you."
He pulls away and holds his hand up, "Do you want to know how many women I've fucked since we broke up?" His fingers pull together and make the shape of a zero. "None, outside of Istan flights. That's zero intentionally sexual encounters." He leans back in and allows her to plae her head down again. "You can't deny yourself opportunities to live your life. If something happens, don't hold yourself back."
Milani's cheeks color right on up and her eyes drop. "Oh ..." she fiddles with his collar again, quiet for a while, swallowing hard again. "Does that include you? Because right now I'd really like to lock that door and pretend like the last turn and a half never happened," she chokes out, fingers tightening in fabric.
"Casual isn't my thing." A'son grabs her fingers and squeezes them, pulling in close to her. "Doesn't that just negate everything we just agreed on doing?" He asks, not making fun of her, sounding genuinely unsure. Then he kisses her again, softly. "I don't know. I don't want to make this more complicated than it already is."
"I know," Milani answers, curling against him when he draws her close. "It never has been." Her eyes lift to his and her shoulders shift in a little shrug. "Well it's kind of confusing you know, to say, live your life, seize opportunities, and the one big opportunity I really want is standing right here --" Kiss. She starts to really kiss him back on that one and is left breathless on the other side of it. "Does it have to be complicated at all?" Milani questions softly, hands lifting to cradle his face. "I love you. You love me. I want you. Do you want me? We could just figure out the rest as we go along. It doesn't have to be casual, but I'm not asking to move in, either." Which is of course, what she wanted before, when neither of them could leave where they were.
"We're not an opportunity and it is complicated." A'son says kissing her one more time before taking her hands and gently removing them from his face. "I love you, I really do. But I'm not sure this is good for either one of us right now. I'm confused and lost and you're... you. You have things to do, a life. I'm not saying that this is the end forever, but it's the end for now." There are soft kisses for those tender fingertips before he drops them. "No one is going to know me as well as you, there's always going to be something for us."
It might be understandable if Milani leans into that one wholeheartedly, doesn't seem to want to let it end. Ultimately she swallows hard a few times and nods. "I'm -- I'm here, if you need me. Just an ear. A friend." Her fingers tighten on his for a moment, but the tears might be unsurprising too, slipping slowly down her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she apologizes for them and lifts a hand to brush them away. "It's just hard to get you back, only to have to say good-bye all over again." Her hand lifts, brushes through his hair gently then retreats. A hanky comes out of her pocket and she blows her nose, wipes at her eyes.
"Don't be sorry. This is me, this isn't you." A'son steps back, allowing some distance to fall between them. "This isn't saying good-bye. I'm not going anywhere now." He sighs and shakes his head. "I've got to go find N'thei. Before he beats up Leova and takes her weyr, according to Nikoth." There's a wry smile and he lifts his hand, "Until later?"
Milani wraps her arms around her middle and nods a couple of times, smiling in spite of her blotchy face. "It's been a rotten couple of days," she says with a little sniffle. "And I /am/ glad you're here, that you're back and that you're /staying/," she says with a wry little laugh. "Yes, he probably needs you more than anyone else right now," she agrees, chin lifting a little. "He hated me for a while, Ays. We made up yesterday. It was all kinds of weird. I just thought you should know. He's been really mean and threatening for the last couple of turns, but losing her ..." her head shakes. "He cried. In front of me. Put his head on my shoulder and everything. To say that's not like him ... would be an understatement." Big breath again and she nods all the more energetically. "Leova's weyr? What the --? Go, go, because -- well she built this wall with trees and stuff. And ... it's important to her," the headwoman says emphatically." Now she's making little shooing, 'get out of here motions'. "Go be the hero, save the day," she says with a laugh and rests a hand against his forearm briefly, leans over to swing the door open. "Until later," she promises.
"Nikoth says he was threatening Vrianth last night to leave it. So I can't imagine things are going well there." A'son rolls his eyes and backs towards the door pulling it open. "Hero, ha. I've never been any sort of a hero. I think he just needs someone to beat up on. Don't be surprised if you see me with a black eye later on today." There's a rolling of his eyes before he dips out of the door and disappears down the hallway.
Milani smiles at him once. "Always been mine," she tells him and leans in the doorway, arms folding across her chest to watch him go. She doesn't go back to all that hidework until he's out of sight around the corner.