This is not easy
I went to the funeral for a friend yesterday. He had died too young, and due to taking his life. Couldn't stop crying during the service, and spent the rest of the day pushing my emotions into a little dark corner, like I always do.
In some ways I don't understand why, but in others, I understand all too well. I've been suicidal since I was 14. 20 years I've been fighting the desire to take my own life. The first was trying to overdose on aspirin after a bad bullying event, and it has never gotten better since then. It is a darkness, a demon that I fight every day. I am saddened every time I lose a friend to that demon, or for any other reason. Even now in dealing with the grief that comes from losing a friend to suicide, I still can feel those urges to end my own life. The demon can be very loud and persuasive, telling me that I'm 'a stupid, dumb, idiot, who deserves to die' and 'you are nothing, and no one'. And I believe it. But I fight. I fight so that others won't feel that grief. That pain. I may or may not win, but I fight it every day.
I'm not sure what else to say.
I'm going to post more about the last few weeks later today. This has been my first day to relax in weeks, and I need to use it.
This entry was originally posted at http://nikon.dreamwidth.org/271332.html.
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In some ways I don't understand why, but in others, I understand all too well. I've been suicidal since I was 14. 20 years I've been fighting the desire to take my own life. The first was trying to overdose on aspirin after a bad bullying event, and it has never gotten better since then. It is a darkness, a demon that I fight every day. I am saddened every time I lose a friend to that demon, or for any other reason. Even now in dealing with the grief that comes from losing a friend to suicide, I still can feel those urges to end my own life. The demon can be very loud and persuasive, telling me that I'm 'a stupid, dumb, idiot, who deserves to die' and 'you are nothing, and no one'. And I believe it. But I fight. I fight so that others won't feel that grief. That pain. I may or may not win, but I fight it every day.
I'm not sure what else to say.
I'm going to post more about the last few weeks later today. This has been my first day to relax in weeks, and I need to use it.
This entry was originally posted at http://nikon.dreamwidth.org/271332.html.
additional comments on Dreamwidth. Comment on Dreamwidth using OpenID.