Starting to realize...
You know what hurts me... more than any physical ailment... more than any spiritual one? The future hurts me. A deep aching hurt.
It just hurts me to know that my son will never have the opportunities that others do. He'll never be able to go to Disney for a family vacation, probably will never see a beach, will always have to wear hand me down, or goodwill clothes...
That hurts. As a parent, I know I should be happy that he's going to be healthy and loved, but it doesn't. It hurts me to know that my child, the one I wanted so badly, will never be like other kids. He'll probably always be in the system: food stamps, welfare, medical card. And none of it's his fault. It's ours as parents. We try so hard, so hard to provide for him... and all I can do is sit and watch it all collapse around me. I get hand outs from people... which makes me so ashamed and sad... but I know we need them. We get medical assistance from the state... which pains me because I know we should be able to get that ourselves... (I can only hope for universal health care, so those of us who truly need help can get treatment without having to fear going bankrupt because of hospital bills.)
I know there are more important things in life... but it just hurts me that my baby will never have a normal childhood... like other kids.
I sit here, college educated, proud of my degree... and nothing to show for it but that pride and a piece of paper.
My family must be so sick of me being in these situations. Sick of me always needing help. I even promised... after I left Kurt, that I'd never allow my life to spiral out like that again. Now look. The only difference is who I'm with. I'm with a great guy... but we just struggle so much. So hard.
I just want my son to have a good life. To have everything he needs... not for us to have to choose between buying diapers and food, or if we should pay the utilities...
I hurt. I ache. And often i wonder if we should have given him up for adoption... so he could have a better life. Lord knows he deserves better than this.
I'm sorry Vincent. Mommy is so sorry she is dragging you into all of this. I want to be able to promise to make it all better one day... but I can't do that unless I believe it myself.
People just don't understand unless they've been in this type of situation.
I do promise, though, Vinny, that your mom and dad will always love you and love each other. Even if we are in the dark or living in the car. I promise that.
I hate that I can't even provide for him before he gets here. Scrapping by isn't doing it anymore...
Please God... there has to be something we can do. We can't depend on my family... they shouldn't have to support us. We should be able to pull ourselves out of this... but I really don't know how anymore.
I've reached that end point where there are no more straws to pull at.
I need a miracle. Not just for me, but for my son.
It just hurts me to know that my son will never have the opportunities that others do. He'll never be able to go to Disney for a family vacation, probably will never see a beach, will always have to wear hand me down, or goodwill clothes...
That hurts. As a parent, I know I should be happy that he's going to be healthy and loved, but it doesn't. It hurts me to know that my child, the one I wanted so badly, will never be like other kids. He'll probably always be in the system: food stamps, welfare, medical card. And none of it's his fault. It's ours as parents. We try so hard, so hard to provide for him... and all I can do is sit and watch it all collapse around me. I get hand outs from people... which makes me so ashamed and sad... but I know we need them. We get medical assistance from the state... which pains me because I know we should be able to get that ourselves... (I can only hope for universal health care, so those of us who truly need help can get treatment without having to fear going bankrupt because of hospital bills.)
I know there are more important things in life... but it just hurts me that my baby will never have a normal childhood... like other kids.
I sit here, college educated, proud of my degree... and nothing to show for it but that pride and a piece of paper.
My family must be so sick of me being in these situations. Sick of me always needing help. I even promised... after I left Kurt, that I'd never allow my life to spiral out like that again. Now look. The only difference is who I'm with. I'm with a great guy... but we just struggle so much. So hard.
I just want my son to have a good life. To have everything he needs... not for us to have to choose between buying diapers and food, or if we should pay the utilities...
I hurt. I ache. And often i wonder if we should have given him up for adoption... so he could have a better life. Lord knows he deserves better than this.
I'm sorry Vincent. Mommy is so sorry she is dragging you into all of this. I want to be able to promise to make it all better one day... but I can't do that unless I believe it myself.
People just don't understand unless they've been in this type of situation.
I do promise, though, Vinny, that your mom and dad will always love you and love each other. Even if we are in the dark or living in the car. I promise that.
I hate that I can't even provide for him before he gets here. Scrapping by isn't doing it anymore...
Please God... there has to be something we can do. We can't depend on my family... they shouldn't have to support us. We should be able to pull ourselves out of this... but I really don't know how anymore.
I've reached that end point where there are no more straws to pull at.
I need a miracle. Not just for me, but for my son.