(no subject)
It's coming earlier and earlier every year. I can't remember how long ago I started feeling this way, but I wish I could make it go away. I'm not excited about anything and all I'm thinking about is what I've lost and who I miss and what can never go back to how it was. Some things are better off the way they are now, but I still get nostalgic and I still wish there had been a way that everything could have worked out better. What's weird is that I only miss certain things and those things could never be the same and I just want to re-live them again. Not in a new way, but just to go back for a day to how things were. I wish that this whole thing hadn't totally fucked me over and that I could really feel again. I'm not in love anymore, but god damnit, why? Why the fuck is this happening?
It was never supposed to be this way. We were supposed to graduate and get accepted to colleges and move in together. We were supposed to live a different kind of life than most kids our age. We were supposed to be Corey and Topanga. We were going to get married and have kids and I was going to have to cook two dinners every night. A regular meal, then chicken fingers and fries. We would grow old together watching King of Queens every day. We were Doug and Carrie. We were young and in love. Two fucking years went by. No one stays in a relationship that long when they're 15. We were supposed to be different.
Now I'm old news. Someone else has already replaced me. If it's that easy, why can't I do it? I'm trying. God damnit, I'm trying so hard to make it work. And I knew. I knew it was coming and there wasn't anything I could do. I even had fucking nightmares about it. Now it's done. Is it really possible that this was the last time? Am I supposed to believe that? I have to. I guess I have to.
I'm fat and lonely and my face is swollen and puffy and I have no idea what to do with myself anymore.
It was never supposed to be this way. We were supposed to graduate and get accepted to colleges and move in together. We were supposed to live a different kind of life than most kids our age. We were supposed to be Corey and Topanga. We were going to get married and have kids and I was going to have to cook two dinners every night. A regular meal, then chicken fingers and fries. We would grow old together watching King of Queens every day. We were Doug and Carrie. We were young and in love. Two fucking years went by. No one stays in a relationship that long when they're 15. We were supposed to be different.
Now I'm old news. Someone else has already replaced me. If it's that easy, why can't I do it? I'm trying. God damnit, I'm trying so hard to make it work. And I knew. I knew it was coming and there wasn't anything I could do. I even had fucking nightmares about it. Now it's done. Is it really possible that this was the last time? Am I supposed to believe that? I have to. I guess I have to.
I'm fat and lonely and my face is swollen and puffy and I have no idea what to do with myself anymore.