I am my own Simself...
Okay, so for those of you out there that don't play the Sims, most of this is just just going to sound like a bunch of freakish babble, but that's okay... because I am a freak. But, as much of a game as the Sims may be, it does hold some RL truths.
So lately, I keep feeling myself slipping further and further into red aspiration... and it's really starting to get to me. I mean, a few weeks ago, I had a full-on breakdown. No funny doctor showed up to make me do the chicken dance or anything, but close enough.
And what sucks even more is that I can't do a thing about it. Or, at least it feels that way. Whenever I hope for some sort of boost, I keep rolling these stupid Family aspiration-like wants: like "Fall in Love" or "Kiss" or "Flirt", or "Call (all the people in the world I'm too fucking scared to talk to) to chat." Not once can I actually roll for something useful... oh, like the want to DO MY GODDAMNED HOMEWORK.
No, because that would be to damned easy. 'Cause, of course, why in all the hells would I actually WANT to do the work towards the degree I was EXCITED about two years ago? ARRRGH. I think I've given up, and right now I'm just waiting to see how far this current coast is going to take me. I'm tired of trying, because I always end up disappointing myself. ALWAYS. I'm so far behind skill-wise that it doesn't even feel worth it to try. It's not worth my time, or anyone else's to help me, or to even consider me an equal.
If only it was that easy... that playing a piano, or singing karaoke could magically improve my drawing skills. That talking to myself in the mirror for hours on end could somehow build my charisma skill so I could actually grow the balls I need to stand up and finally go out to get what I want, and what other people supposedly say I deserve. But that's just it. I don't deserve anything. Because, for fuck's sake, I sure haven't done anything to warrant it.
So here I sit, continuing to slip further and further towards yet another inevitable mental crisis. And every time I do break, someone brings me back, just high enough out of aspirational failure to just start slipping again. I'm sick of feeling like this. SICK and fucking TIRED of the constant internal "You're not good enough, stop trying... Why even bother?" dialogue. And the kicker is that I still feel that if I deserve anything, it is THIS that I deserve, because of the sheer fact that I don't do anything about it.
It's a vicious cycle... and it's only going to take something profound to change its course. And that something is probably still too far off for me to even think about reaching.
So lately, I keep feeling myself slipping further and further into red aspiration... and it's really starting to get to me. I mean, a few weeks ago, I had a full-on breakdown. No funny doctor showed up to make me do the chicken dance or anything, but close enough.
And what sucks even more is that I can't do a thing about it. Or, at least it feels that way. Whenever I hope for some sort of boost, I keep rolling these stupid Family aspiration-like wants: like "Fall in Love" or "Kiss" or "Flirt", or "Call (all the people in the world I'm too fucking scared to talk to) to chat." Not once can I actually roll for something useful... oh, like the want to DO MY GODDAMNED HOMEWORK.
No, because that would be to damned easy. 'Cause, of course, why in all the hells would I actually WANT to do the work towards the degree I was EXCITED about two years ago? ARRRGH. I think I've given up, and right now I'm just waiting to see how far this current coast is going to take me. I'm tired of trying, because I always end up disappointing myself. ALWAYS. I'm so far behind skill-wise that it doesn't even feel worth it to try. It's not worth my time, or anyone else's to help me, or to even consider me an equal.
If only it was that easy... that playing a piano, or singing karaoke could magically improve my drawing skills. That talking to myself in the mirror for hours on end could somehow build my charisma skill so I could actually grow the balls I need to stand up and finally go out to get what I want, and what other people supposedly say I deserve. But that's just it. I don't deserve anything. Because, for fuck's sake, I sure haven't done anything to warrant it.
So here I sit, continuing to slip further and further towards yet another inevitable mental crisis. And every time I do break, someone brings me back, just high enough out of aspirational failure to just start slipping again. I'm sick of feeling like this. SICK and fucking TIRED of the constant internal "You're not good enough, stop trying... Why even bother?" dialogue. And the kicker is that I still feel that if I deserve anything, it is THIS that I deserve, because of the sheer fact that I don't do anything about it.
It's a vicious cycle... and it's only going to take something profound to change its course. And that something is probably still too far off for me to even think about reaching.