You're father without question loved you. Maybe he treated you differently then the others, but he did the best he could and most likley spent many many nights anguished in regret, wishing he was strong enough to make things right. He may have failed you which is a good reason to be upset, but he definitely loved you and was proud of you. Life is brutal and not having a reliable father makes life even more brutal your words of reflection only prove even if difficult to organize your forever bond with him...the good the bad...you were his first born daughter and im willing to bet he smiled the biggest smile he just about ever smiled when you were born. Put yourself in his shoes. Loosing you and your brothers and sisters (even if a choice) was one of the most devasting times of his life and he probably never truly could forgive himself for it and just as many troubled men do he retreated into his darker emotions and used anger and jidgments to cope, his inability to handle your mother feuled his denials and mistakes never admitting to the realities of his immature and possibly wrong ways...i dont know what happened...but he loved you and never stopped loving you...and even when you hated him the most you loved him to...even if your love felt wrong at times it was there and sometimes the reason you feel hatred is because your upset that he ruined your dreams...he hurt you and let you down...but some of your resentment comes from all those years of longing for his guidance..idk what happened...but he loved you...and you most definitely love him...the trauma will never truly die...its the curse of all women in such cases...he failed you....but don't let his evil doings and his hatred for your mother define your relationship forever...a part of you comes directly from him...you will never be able to escape him...better to forgive him somehow and let go of all resentment and understand that he truly did the best he knew how to do...
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