my heart won't work if you say goodbye
Click to viewIt's been a full year since you left this world. And not a single moment goes by that I don't think of you. Today I spent the day with your family and the friends you considered family.
There were laughs. There were tears. There were deviled eggs!
It was a day I know you would have enjoyed every second of. You would have played with all the kids. You would have been the most amazing Uncle Chris that you were born to be. You would have let them win croquet. You would have moaned in delight over all the fooood. You would have talked with your parents about anything and everything in between. You would have chatted with Ben about their move and his new job and told him how happy you were for him and Jess, expecting their third child. You would have talked sports with the Francoeur's. You would have thrown your arm around your sister as you belly laughed at your nephew's jokes. You would have walked down to the lake teasing Boylan the whole way for drinking White Claws like a sissy. You would have had to hold your stomach and tears of laughter as Courtney told the story of John thinking his dentist was his gastroenterologist. You would have sat back and relaxed with Jamie, living her best lake life. You would have quoted Rocky with us. But only I-IV, because V is the worst and everyone knows it. You would have sang along with me to some of your favorite songs. You would have fought me for Mary Ann's eggs. You would have wiped the sweat from your face as you shook your head in disappointment with the heat. You would have told me not to cry while you pushed my hair back behind my monkey ears, telling me "Oh no baby pleeease! You are far too fine to look so sad!". You would have made every second better for everyone there.... you should have been there. It's not fair that you couldn't. It's not right that you weren't.
Every day that I spend without you is another day of torture. But sometimes there are days like today where I spend them with people who understand what life is like without you. Who understand that even though life must go on, time still sometimes stops. Time sometimes forgets that you're no longer with us. Time sometimes holds in place just long enough to hear you laugh. Just long enough to hear you sing. Just long enough for me to dance ridiculously for a moment before realizing you're not beside me. Before realizing you never will be again.
At least I can say I know that you knew how much we loved you. You knew because we told you again and again. Even though 19 years doesn't seem like enough, at least we have those years of memories and laughter and love. And we're not left wishing we could have said more.
I told you how much I loved you. You knew that I meant it. You knew that every moment of time we shared were the best moments of our lives. You were everything to me. We loved each other. And I will always love you... forever. Even though you're gone.
I wrote this for you and read it at your Celebration of Life last year. Every line is full of truth, nostalgia, agony, and love.
Chris and I met and became friends over my obsessive love for Nine Inch Nails and Blue Fruitopia in 1999. In the following years, he would grab me a Beachside Blast at the school store and deliver it to me across the hall in Culinary and I would sneak him a frozen cookie from the walk-in. Over the last 19 years, we have known him as Twinkie, Twinks, Twizzlepop, Hamel, Hamz, Hamdiggy, Hameltoe, Hamchin, Hambone, Fartface, Humphrey Brofart, Papa and Chris. But to be honest, I've always truly known him as my brother. He was always more than just a friend. He was my brother.
He was the kindest, most genuine person I have ever known. He was always there for me whenever I needed. Whether it was to help me move, or to educate me on various trees. Thanks to Chris, I will forever be able to recognize the specific characteristics of a Norway Spruce. He was always there to make me laugh until I cried. To give me a ride home and help me break into my house while the alarm was going off because I forgot my keys. To quote movies with me for hours on end. To play Indian Hot challenge with me at Taste of India Sunday Buffet. To create fictitious holidays just for any excuse to celebrate in the basement in our pajamas. To teach me how to properly blow my nose, because apparently I had been doing it wrong for 22 years! To be my human shield at the Gwar show and help me dodge the fake blood. Then make me Baby Spinny Pizza after the show on the Pizza Pizzaz. To sit and chat with me at Unos, where we spent basically the entire first half of our twenties. To rub my back after making me stand in the Worcester parking garage "tailgating". To share rip tickets at the Moose Lodge. To gladly be the meat in a Sardinha Sandwich when cuddling in bed with my sister and me. To hunt wabbits with me in the basement while tripping over my Pluto slippers. To listen as I annoyingly rambled on about life, love, and everything in between.
He would always tell me, "Nik, just chiiillll", whenever I would get riled up over insignificant things. Which was basically everything. Or to offer a shoulder when I cried.
I never thought I would miss him more than I did back when he was traveling in the forest service. He would be gone for weeks at a time, and the heartache I felt then just seems so silly now. Because I never thought I would miss him for the rest of my life. I took our friendship for granted, because I always thought we would have more time. I
always thought we would be those creepy old weirdos playing Parcheesi at the retirement home until we went out with a bang - together.
When I got my degree, my advisor asked me excitedly what I would be doing to celebrate. She laughed when I told her I was going to go play Parcheesi with my best friend and his mom in their basement. She thought I was joking. But that was my absolute favorite thing to do with my absolute favorite person.
Some of my best memories took place there, with Chris. If you were ever lucky enough to have been one of the people to have spent time with him in the basement, then you know exactly what I mean. Because you have your own set of memories with Chris down there. Listening to records, playing games, quoting movies for hours on end, airdrumming to every single song, stabbing the chair arm with your knife while he looked at you with crazy eyes: "Shawn- WHAT are you trying to accomplish with that knife?!", cuddling under the blankets, years of unsuccessfully trying to stifle our laughter because Rog was sleeping upstairs, playing a 10+ year Black Jack game that never ends because nobody’s really keeping score, singing and dancing and just simply enjoying each other. Whatever those memories you have are, I know that if Chris was in them, they were good ones.
His smile and his laugh lit up every single room he entered. He was so strong and so brave fighting this battle and he was a jokester til the very end. Even when faced with the end of his life, he still managed to laugh and to make us laugh too. I know that besides walking in the woods, that laughing and making others laugh is what brought him true joy most. I am so thankful for knowing Chris and I count myself extremely lucky for having had him in my life for so many years. He was my Soul Sista, my chin rest, my baby bird, my friend, and my brother.
Music was such a big part of Chris’s life, and something that we always shared together. We always sang and we always danced together. Recently, I found an old video of us singing and dancing to one of our favorite Mutemath songs. He loved this song, and the lyrics are so fitting:
You don't have to try
Running from each other
I read your eyes
You don't have to bother
Maybe we'll survive
If we don't discover
One life ties to another
I'd rather die
holding one another
Your hand in mine
It's easy and it's not for
understanding why
The world is out of color
One life ties to another
Cause the world won't turn
If the sun won't rise
And the stars won't burn
In a broken sky
And the wind won't surf
If the ocean's dry
And my heart won't work
If you say goodbye