fuck this shit
so today my mom decided that i was no longer capable of thinking rationally anymore and thinks that i have gone over the deep end and she wants to put me back in the hospital... i am so sick of having to be the only one in my family who always has to hold it together... my mom can freak out and that's ok, makayla can be a total bitch and that's ok because she is ten and has no idea how to cope, god only knows where daddy is or what he is doing now, and hell why even bring up the rest of my siblings... the ones who know about what is going on just don't care and the ones who would care have no idea... my whole family in NY just want us to admit defeat and come back up there to live... and they won't try and help us until we do, and that's all well and good except that i would have to leave school and my mom would have to leave her job... but we would have a nice house, amy would have 24 hour nurses, makayla would go to a much better school, the state would pay for me to get my cosmo classes, and kenny would go with us and sleep on our couch until august when he would leave for basic training, and our family would be there to help us... of course we would have to leave daddy here and that would just crush makayla, i would have to live in the same state of my sperm donor and that would completely break me emotionally, and it would mean admitting defeat... but mommy isn't getting any better and our lives just keep getting worse, mommy even took off her wedding ring and engagement ring... and she is calling herself a single mom. but where does that leave me... the KID who dosen't want to grow up... the KID who wants to stay at home till i'm 21, the KID who has no idea what the real world even consists of... ill tell you where it leaves me... it leaves me being forced to be the adult that i never want to become, it leaves me being the one that everyone needs to lean upon, it makes me be everything i don't want to be, it makes me be the only one who has to stay strong... which forces me back to the weakest point in my life... it forces me to feel smaller and younger than i ever have felt... it makes me into that girl that i never wanted to be again... all this means is that i am now and will for some time be NUMB!!!