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I had a 7,000 calorie binge and purge session the other night. Usually I'll keep the left over food because I don't want to waste it. For the first time I threw it out. I knew I had to push it through the garbage disposal or else I'd be fishing through the trash the next day. I dumped 1/2 a carton of ice cream and about 7 cookies down the drain. I felt hurt and angry. Boy was that hard to do. It was like throwing away your cigarettes; I wish I had a better example. The point of throwing it down the garbage disposal was so that I wouldn't b/p the next day. I did it anyways. I was so pissed that I threw out some good b/p food. I hate binging and purging on shitty food. Fuck it. Get over it. So I thought.
I had a 5 dollar bill just sitting in my wallet. I was saving it to buy cigs. Why didn't I just buy fucking cigarettes?! I decided to go to the store. I was debating in my head on what I should spend my money on. I got in my car and started to drive around to the back gate on the base. I started to cry just thinking about the torture that purging brings me. "I don't want to do this anymore", I kept on saying. I made a left turn away from the gate and proceeded to the Jet Mart to purchase some damn cigarettes. I got scared and nervous, so I drove right past it to the back gate. I wanted to make up for throwing out all that b/p food from the other day. Why wasn't I scared to buy b/p food?
1/2 gallon of ice cream, 8 Little Debbie fudge cakes, and one package of Twisty punch twists. Total: 5,100 calories. I purged all of the ice cream up, 80 percent of the cakes, and 50 percent of the twists. I felt like shit. I still do. I'm so sick of having bulimia. Bulimia, hmm? Sounds like a bull. Well it does mean "ox-hungy".
It's 2:33 pm and I haven't eaten anything. My fridge is bare, so is my pantry. Except for some pasta and Top Ramen. I'd really like to fast for three days so I can clean out my system with a colonic. I've only been able to go 32 hours without solids or juices.
Please God, give me the strength to change the things that I can change. Help me to accept the things that I can not.