Part... er, five. xD I have l33t M@TH S|See, that's a lot closer to what I saw his character as, which is why his immaturity in the treasury was confusing. Awesome part.
"I'm too easily recognized, and I'd slow you down. Besides, Mother might overlook the two of you going missing--pretend it's beneath her notice--but not me." He hesitated, then reached out to touch Chien's right ear just between the two notches he'd carved a year ago. "I'm sorry, Chien." This is fantastic character interaction. They're all perfect here.
"Better a sliced ear than a slit throat," Jian murmured. She clasped Xi's hand between both of hers, squeezing gently. "Goodbye, bat-prince. May the Great Phoenix guide and protect you." And here.
They were gone before Xi could reply, vanishing into the night like dreams. The Tsing gazed after them for several minutes and then, with a heavy sigh, started back up the duct to face whatever punishments might await him.
As he climbed, he could hear the song of the Phoenix once more. This is some great imagery and a fantastic ending. Great job!
Uh... I'm sorry to nitpick like that. It really was very, very good. I'm incredibly curious about this world of yours now. I'm sorry I gave a lot of criticism but few suggestions; your flow and structure is very good, and those are easy to suggest; most of my criticism is about what's going on in relation to the rest, which is very hard for me to comment on because that's all yours. I hope I didn't annoy you too much with my incessant babbling and gave you some ideas to make it even awesomer. :)
Not annoyed at all! I may or may not start putting 'edited' versions of these stories under second cuts; if I do, I'll definitely use your suggestions.
"I'm too easily recognized, and I'd slow you down. Besides, Mother might overlook the two of you going missing--pretend it's beneath her notice--but not me." He hesitated, then reached out to touch Chien's right ear just between the two notches he'd carved a year ago. "I'm sorry, Chien."
This is fantastic character interaction. They're all perfect here.
"Better a sliced ear than a slit throat," Jian murmured. She clasped Xi's hand between both of hers, squeezing gently. "Goodbye, bat-prince. May the Great Phoenix guide and protect you."
And here.
They were gone before Xi could reply, vanishing into the night like dreams. The Tsing gazed after them for several minutes and then, with a heavy sigh, started back up the duct to face whatever punishments might await him.
As he climbed, he could hear the song of the Phoenix once more.
This is some great imagery and a fantastic ending. Great job!
Uh... I'm sorry to nitpick like that. It really was very, very good. I'm incredibly curious about this world of yours now. I'm sorry I gave a lot of criticism but few suggestions; your flow and structure is very good, and those are easy to suggest; most of my criticism is about what's going on in relation to the rest, which is very hard for me to comment on because that's all yours. I hope I didn't annoy you too much with my incessant babbling and gave you some ideas to make it even awesomer. :)
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