LOL... sorry, but your comment of 17625 characters exceeds the maximum character length of 4300. xDD I guess I'm splitting it into four comments. Bear with me.
I told you I'd get to it!
Before I tear it to pieces, let me just say that this is really, really good.
In general, what I've noticed is that description is your strong point, whereas speaking and character interaction is your weak point.
A summons from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; the matriarch was by no means unpredictable, but the slaves who carried the summons were never privileged to know the reason and one never knew what the Lady had or hadn't noticed and what she made of it.
This is one sentence, and I find it somewhat difficult to follow. Perhaps "A summoms from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; one never knew what the Lady had noticed, although she was by no means unpredictable" (Slaves, I think, add too much to an already full sentence, but I understand that you might want that for the effect.) Or perhaps, "Xao couldn't imagine anything more frightening than a summons from Lady Xao; although she was by no means unpredictable, one never knew what she had noticed, and the slaves who carried the summons never knew the reason for them."? This is a rearrangement to take some weight off the tail of the sentence which doesn't cut out any information.
One never knew whether one would be praised or punished. Xi knelt, placing his palms on the floor and spreading his wings to hold them low as he fixed his eyes on the great bird mosaiced into the floor and tried not to fidget.
"I have come, Mother, as you commanded."
Perhaps consider breaking off the two "one never..." pieces into their own sentence or integrate them into the previous one? Maybe something to the effect of "A summoms from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine. One never knew what the Lady had noticed, and one could be praised or punished depending on what she made of it although she was by no means unpredictable." (yes, I know, I just said this sentence was too long and now I'm making it longer... it's hard to think of alternatives.) Also, it seems difficult to say she's predictable and then saying one never knows if one will be praised or punished. Doesn't this make her quite unpredicatable? Perhaps you could expand on what exactly makes her so?
It was a full minute before she replied. An itch took root between Xi's wings, growing steadily as he bit at the inside of his cheek.
I take it that he has an itch between his wings because she's not saying anything? Maybe the sentence should be reversed to make that more clear, if that's the case... the way it is now, it seems to me they wait, then she replies, and as she speaks he gets an itch between his wings from what she says.
It was only when he came within touching distance that Xi realized that there where two other creatures kneeling beside his mother's throne. One was his twelve-year-old brother, Han, smirking faintly as he clutched a long, ornately carved bone dagger. The other was one of the wingless beasts that served as slaves, a male near his own age with his forehead pressed to the floor. Xi frowned a little, considering the creature. Was this to be his gift? What was he to do with it?
I like this part a lot. This is an awesome description. The only iffy part is "was this to be his gift"? I assume that's a thought directly from him... but the rest of the passage makes him seem quite young (> teenager) so that turn of language is kind of odd coming from him. Then again, he was raised in a royal court, which could justify it... just think about it to make sure it's really what you want to say.
"This creature is called Chien. Your hours in the menagerie tell me that you enjoy animals; this one is yours to use as you please."
I told you I'd get to it!
Before I tear it to pieces, let me just say that this is really, really good.
In general, what I've noticed is that description is your strong point, whereas speaking and character interaction is your weak point.
A summons from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; the matriarch was by no means unpredictable, but the slaves who carried the summons were never privileged to know the reason and one never knew what the Lady had or hadn't noticed and what she made of it.
This is one sentence, and I find it somewhat difficult to follow. Perhaps "A summoms from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine; one never knew what the Lady had noticed, although she was by no means unpredictable" (Slaves, I think, add too much to an already full sentence, but I understand that you might want that for the effect.) Or perhaps, "Xao couldn't imagine anything more frightening than a summons from Lady Xao; although she was by no means unpredictable, one never knew what she had noticed, and the slaves who carried the summons never knew the reason for them."? This is a rearrangement to take some weight off the tail of the sentence which doesn't cut out any information.
One never knew whether one would be praised or punished. Xi knelt, placing his palms on the floor and spreading his wings to hold them low as he fixed his eyes on the great bird mosaiced into the floor and tried not to fidget.
"I have come, Mother, as you commanded."
Perhaps consider breaking off the two "one never..." pieces into their own sentence or integrate them into the previous one? Maybe something to the effect of "A summoms from Lady Xao was easily the most frightening thing the young Tsing could imagine. One never knew what the Lady had noticed, and one could be praised or punished depending on what she made of it although she was by no means unpredictable." (yes, I know, I just said this sentence was too long and now I'm making it longer... it's hard to think of alternatives.) Also, it seems difficult to say she's predictable and then saying one never knows if one will be praised or punished. Doesn't this make her quite unpredicatable? Perhaps you could expand on what exactly makes her so?
It was a full minute before she replied. An itch took root between Xi's wings, growing steadily as he bit at the inside of his cheek.
I take it that he has an itch between his wings because she's not saying anything? Maybe the sentence should be reversed to make that more clear, if that's the case... the way it is now, it seems to me they wait, then she replies, and as she speaks he gets an itch between his wings from what she says.
It was only when he came within touching distance that Xi realized that there where two other creatures kneeling beside his mother's throne. One was his twelve-year-old brother, Han, smirking faintly as he clutched a long, ornately carved bone dagger. The other was one of the wingless beasts that served as slaves, a male near his own age with his forehead pressed to the floor. Xi frowned a little, considering the creature. Was this to be his gift? What was he to do with it?
I like this part a lot. This is an awesome description. The only iffy part is "was this to be his gift"? I assume that's a thought directly from him... but the rest of the passage makes him seem quite young (> teenager) so that turn of language is kind of odd coming from him. Then again, he was raised in a royal court, which could justify it... just think about it to make sure it's really what you want to say.
"This creature is called Chien. Your hours in the menagerie tell me that you enjoy animals; this one is yours to use as you please."
This part is so awesome.
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