how can i exist without you?~
well i hope everyone had a loverly Christmas...you'll already be automatically better off than i was. but i'll get to that later.
i still hate the holidays. but a shitload of suppressed laughter at church on Christmas Eve definitely helped my mood. first, a Baptist church is a breeding ground for stereotypes, & who doesn't enjoy a hearty (suppressed) chuckle at the expense of a stereotype every now and again?
Baptist hymnals have all the songs re-written to avoid referring to Jesus as "Lord" or "King". i suppose this is all very well & good, except that "bring a Torch, Jeanette Isabella" has been re-written to contain numerous references to "the Jesus." i laughed so hard that i had to sit down; Brett (a friend that was there & i hadn't seen in, um, forever) merely snorted into his program.
"O Holy Night" should only be sung by women. agreed? nothing against the guy who sang it. he's a great guy with a fantastic voice...but that fantastic voice cracked like whoa on "Oh night divine," & i honestly don't know how i was able to keep it together.
i guess Christmas itself wasn't so great tho...i got a call from Katey damn early in the morning, saying that Pj called her to tell her that Kenny knew about me being, y'know, with Scott at one point. cuz the fucker told him..things i won't get into right now. so later on, Kenny called (just to say Merry Christmas, but i had to bring it up). he asked if it was true, and i wasn't gonna lie...so i said it was. and at first, understandably, he was a tad ripshit at me. he calmed down, and he's forgiven me for not telling him..but he still doesn't trust me as much as he did before. which hurts a lot but i guess i understand. i talked to him later on last night, and he told me he's not angry with me, and it wasn't a huge deal..cuz we're even. he did do the same thing to me with Katey at one time. it's not completely back to normal, but i guess we're okay. i still wanna fucking tear Pj's balls off and leave them in a jar on my nightstand tho.
the part that really got to me...was that Kenny told me that he was planning to ask me back out after the New Year. y'know. new year, new relationship. and now he doesn't know what's gonna happen. and you all know how much i've wanted this for a number of months. it fucking hurt. i couldn't stop thinking about it all day. Katey thinks that it'll still happen, but i wouldn't expect him to if he doesn't trust me. i'm going to my dad's tonight until Sunday afternoon...but hopefully i'll be able to talk to him. he still told said he loves me and everything. it's still the worst feeling tho. i feel better now that it's out there and i don't hafta hide it anymore...but Scott and i had both moved on pretty well and it sucks that it had to come about cuz Pj had to dig up old issues to make himself feel like a bigger person. motherfucking motherfuck.
i'm getting that trust back. i'm extremely determined to do whatever is in my power to make it happen. i'm not gonna let this shit get fucked up again.
anyways, if i haven't told you personally, & even if i have, Merry Christmas. i still hate Christmas, of course, but i love you.
& Scott - 1)i'm sorry
2) i got to kiss Katey before you...hehehe. :P