"...Let your hatred flow into me..."
Hmph. I feel like crap. Not completely physically either. For the past couple of weeks I've just been...out of luck. Things seem to become more horrendous than the first. Events pop up that shatter any happiness I have gained, and my attitude has declined. I'm going back into my original state way back in 9th grade. Around this time I was having my issues with a certain person whom I reached my emotional limits with. I was crushed by said person but of course I have gotten over that completely. But I do not block it out completely all the time. Mario's talking about that girl Christi-- Or whatever. I'm happy for him. He has no backbone, but at least he likes another girl. But I'll never understand him. Perhaps he was broken back then, too. >> Who knows. I'm rambling because nobody really knows what I'm talking about or cares... o-o Perhaps I shouldn't post this...Meh. Don't care. No one reads these things anyway. Back to my story. I told him to just go off and confess his love and feelings but he's all like "I'm not into love" Which is complete shit. A few things were said and of course...I'm the heartless bitch I've always been. But at least I made him think.
It seems we may not have school again tomorrow. 2 hours at the least. But I doubt we'll go in. I want to paint all day tomorrow, it might make me feel better. The whole event that happened this week really gets me. The more I think about it, the more I talk about it, the more I express the possibilities or if's or but's or might's, lay out all the opportunities before myself...the more pain I feel. I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is my group of friends. If I lose them...If I lose my purpose of protecting, of ordering, of mothering...What will happen to me? I have nothing to fall back on. No one to fall back on. God I feel so emo, someone shoot me. I complain to Christie, she listens but I wonder if she's just being nice to me. Emma just wants to show me pretty boys, Katie's arguing over who owns her and how Tom says I'm his bitch(not a chance), and Dustin's mumbling about how he hates his Trig. teacher. Why am I complaining? I shouldn't be so selfish. I want to take care of everything, make everything okay, make everyone happy. But I can't do that...Can I? But is it selfish to want assurance, acceptance, and/or love?
Yes.
It is.
And that is why I'm black on the inside. Metaphorically speaking of course. I'd call myself ugly on the inside but someone else I dislike is already like that.
*Cough* Heather *Cough* Yeah...That's right. I typed it. And I don't care who reads this. She is...She always has been, and everyone should know. But the only one who won't accept it is blind and will never see the truth. Take the blind fold of your eyes, Tom, and cover up your penis. Think with your real head, your own brain.
It seems we may not have school again tomorrow. 2 hours at the least. But I doubt we'll go in. I want to paint all day tomorrow, it might make me feel better. The whole event that happened this week really gets me. The more I think about it, the more I talk about it, the more I express the possibilities or if's or but's or might's, lay out all the opportunities before myself...the more pain I feel. I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is my group of friends. If I lose them...If I lose my purpose of protecting, of ordering, of mothering...What will happen to me? I have nothing to fall back on. No one to fall back on. God I feel so emo, someone shoot me. I complain to Christie, she listens but I wonder if she's just being nice to me. Emma just wants to show me pretty boys, Katie's arguing over who owns her and how Tom says I'm his bitch(not a chance), and Dustin's mumbling about how he hates his Trig. teacher. Why am I complaining? I shouldn't be so selfish. I want to take care of everything, make everything okay, make everyone happy. But I can't do that...Can I? But is it selfish to want assurance, acceptance, and/or love?
Yes.
It is.
And that is why I'm black on the inside. Metaphorically speaking of course. I'd call myself ugly on the inside but someone else I dislike is already like that.
*Cough* Heather *Cough* Yeah...That's right. I typed it. And I don't care who reads this. She is...She always has been, and everyone should know. But the only one who won't accept it is blind and will never see the truth. Take the blind fold of your eyes, Tom, and cover up your penis. Think with your real head, your own brain.