Ben Fowler
I was just thinking of the idea of regrets. I'm always the one saying "no regrets!" But even I know there are things I've done or said that I wish I would have done differently. Sure we live and grow from all of our experiences, but I can't help thinking how things could be different, almost like a fun fantasy. Anywho, my point was a few minutes ago I was thinking if I had any regrets and immediately the first thought that came to my mind was Ben Fowler.
When I moved here from California I fell in love with a boy named Ben Fowler. He was in my 2nd grade class and I just thought he was the dreamiest thing I had ever set eyes on. From the start we became friends, but as you would imagine two boys being friends. As to be expected I was a HUGE tomboy my whole adolescence, and as to be expected I was "just like a sister" to all the guys I grew up with. Well even through middle school my crush on Ben grew deeper and deeper. I cried in 6th grade on Valentine's Day when I brought him a specially made valentine and he brought flowers for a prissy girl names Jeannette (that bitch). As the years went on he only got more good looking. All the girls wanted him by 8th grade when he had his growth spurt, but I had come to grips with the fact that I was just his very good friend. By 8th grade though we really had become best friends. He lived close by, our parents were friends, we would go to the movies together, etc. etc.
At the very end of the year our school had a special 8th grade dance. This was not your normal middle school dance though. This was the dance that everyone at Mann Middle Shcool waited for. All the guys rented suits and the girls bought dresses. My sister begged and she finally convinced me to let her do my makeup and hair. Keep in mind I literally had my hair in a ponytail from age 7-13....so this was a massive step. Well I don't have a picture on my computer but I'll just say I looked pretty for the first time in a long long time. My hair was down and I was wearing a dress. It was just like a movie because I'll never forget when I walked up to the cafeteria and people came rushing over to say I looked pretty. Even the boys I grew up with were checking me out which felt weird. But I'll never forget the look Ben gave me. He came with another girl, the "hottest" girl in school and he literally ditched her to come hug me and say I looked beautiful. My night was made. After that I realized I liked male attention for me being hot and saw to it that I girlified myself at least a little. I had my hair highlighted and I learned to blow it out. I bought girlier outfits and tried a little bit of makeup. My boobs grew to a size C that summer which also made a big splash amongst my friends.
All through the summer Ben and I hung out, but still in my mind I sensed nothing past friendship. I was sad because me and my next door neighbor were pretty much some of the very few who got split from everyone we'd grown up with to go to a new high school. The boundaries cut Ben out of my life and I was bummed to say the least. It turned out to not be so bad though. I went through 9th grade being reborn as a completely different chick and I think it rubbed off on me because by the end of 9th grade I could feel Ben seeing me differently (possibly because I was now a woman instead of the girl/boy who wore JNCO jeans, played soccer with, and skateboarded). We'd talk a lot at nights and see each other on weekends. Our parents joked that they couldn't wait to see us get together. His parents called me their daughter-in-law. A week before 10th grade I took Ben to a party where I met a boy. He was a year older and I liked him because he was popular and a class clown. Unlike Ben he asked me to dance and it made me feel special. Turned out Ben was in the other room sulking that I was dancing with another guy. Me and the guy matched very well though and started dating right away. I started talking to Ben less for obvious reasons. Almost a month into my new relationship one night Ben called me and he sounded funny, nervous really and definitely not himself. He asked if I wanted to "do something" that Friday night. Me being naive and giddy about my new relationship I almost laughed at the idea and said "No I can't! I've got a date with Neeeeaaalllll." After that I remember him being distant and making an excuse to get off the phone. The next day I was sitting in the school's courtyard with all my friends afrter lunch when a good friend came up. He asked if I had talked to Ben recently (he was on Ben's soccer team) to which I said the night before. He said he thought so and further explained that that night at soccer practice Ben was very upset because he admitted he'd tried asking me out and I shut him down. My friend went on to also tell me that Ben really liked me and now was upset that he'd missed his chance. I was crushed. I started crying in the middle of the courtyard at the decision I had to make and run to class when Neal came over to see what was wrong.
Needless to say, I chose Neal. The same boy who I wasted 2 years on. The same guy who was always jealous of me if I got any more attention than him. The same guy who cheated on me behind my back with his ex girlfriend and other girls for a year. The same guy who ruined my confidence by the end of high school. I wish I had chosen Ben. The funny thing is I know Ben and I probably wouldn't have gotten married....but I can't help thinking what a fairytale it would have been for at least a while. Ben and I lost a lot of contact over the years until our friend Kevin passed away and I saw him at the funeral. We saw one another from across the room, ran over, hugged and cried and said how much we'd missed each other since high school, but other than occasional facebook messages it's understandable that our friendship didn't last a lifetime. He's happy now and I'm happy now...but I still can't help imagining what our romance would have been like and how different I could have possibly been because of it.
When I moved here from California I fell in love with a boy named Ben Fowler. He was in my 2nd grade class and I just thought he was the dreamiest thing I had ever set eyes on. From the start we became friends, but as you would imagine two boys being friends. As to be expected I was a HUGE tomboy my whole adolescence, and as to be expected I was "just like a sister" to all the guys I grew up with. Well even through middle school my crush on Ben grew deeper and deeper. I cried in 6th grade on Valentine's Day when I brought him a specially made valentine and he brought flowers for a prissy girl names Jeannette (that bitch). As the years went on he only got more good looking. All the girls wanted him by 8th grade when he had his growth spurt, but I had come to grips with the fact that I was just his very good friend. By 8th grade though we really had become best friends. He lived close by, our parents were friends, we would go to the movies together, etc. etc.
At the very end of the year our school had a special 8th grade dance. This was not your normal middle school dance though. This was the dance that everyone at Mann Middle Shcool waited for. All the guys rented suits and the girls bought dresses. My sister begged and she finally convinced me to let her do my makeup and hair. Keep in mind I literally had my hair in a ponytail from age 7-13....so this was a massive step. Well I don't have a picture on my computer but I'll just say I looked pretty for the first time in a long long time. My hair was down and I was wearing a dress. It was just like a movie because I'll never forget when I walked up to the cafeteria and people came rushing over to say I looked pretty. Even the boys I grew up with were checking me out which felt weird. But I'll never forget the look Ben gave me. He came with another girl, the "hottest" girl in school and he literally ditched her to come hug me and say I looked beautiful. My night was made. After that I realized I liked male attention for me being hot and saw to it that I girlified myself at least a little. I had my hair highlighted and I learned to blow it out. I bought girlier outfits and tried a little bit of makeup. My boobs grew to a size C that summer which also made a big splash amongst my friends.
All through the summer Ben and I hung out, but still in my mind I sensed nothing past friendship. I was sad because me and my next door neighbor were pretty much some of the very few who got split from everyone we'd grown up with to go to a new high school. The boundaries cut Ben out of my life and I was bummed to say the least. It turned out to not be so bad though. I went through 9th grade being reborn as a completely different chick and I think it rubbed off on me because by the end of 9th grade I could feel Ben seeing me differently (possibly because I was now a woman instead of the girl/boy who wore JNCO jeans, played soccer with, and skateboarded). We'd talk a lot at nights and see each other on weekends. Our parents joked that they couldn't wait to see us get together. His parents called me their daughter-in-law. A week before 10th grade I took Ben to a party where I met a boy. He was a year older and I liked him because he was popular and a class clown. Unlike Ben he asked me to dance and it made me feel special. Turned out Ben was in the other room sulking that I was dancing with another guy. Me and the guy matched very well though and started dating right away. I started talking to Ben less for obvious reasons. Almost a month into my new relationship one night Ben called me and he sounded funny, nervous really and definitely not himself. He asked if I wanted to "do something" that Friday night. Me being naive and giddy about my new relationship I almost laughed at the idea and said "No I can't! I've got a date with Neeeeaaalllll." After that I remember him being distant and making an excuse to get off the phone. The next day I was sitting in the school's courtyard with all my friends afrter lunch when a good friend came up. He asked if I had talked to Ben recently (he was on Ben's soccer team) to which I said the night before. He said he thought so and further explained that that night at soccer practice Ben was very upset because he admitted he'd tried asking me out and I shut him down. My friend went on to also tell me that Ben really liked me and now was upset that he'd missed his chance. I was crushed. I started crying in the middle of the courtyard at the decision I had to make and run to class when Neal came over to see what was wrong.
Needless to say, I chose Neal. The same boy who I wasted 2 years on. The same guy who was always jealous of me if I got any more attention than him. The same guy who cheated on me behind my back with his ex girlfriend and other girls for a year. The same guy who ruined my confidence by the end of high school. I wish I had chosen Ben. The funny thing is I know Ben and I probably wouldn't have gotten married....but I can't help thinking what a fairytale it would have been for at least a while. Ben and I lost a lot of contact over the years until our friend Kevin passed away and I saw him at the funeral. We saw one another from across the room, ran over, hugged and cried and said how much we'd missed each other since high school, but other than occasional facebook messages it's understandable that our friendship didn't last a lifetime. He's happy now and I'm happy now...but I still can't help imagining what our romance would have been like and how different I could have possibly been because of it.