(no subject)
i feel like i have no power to change anything around me all of a sudden....
my life is spinning out of control and I can't do ANYTHING about it!
it seems like everything was going FINE before my accident, life was going well, school was bearable, i was HAPPY. now all of a sudden i feel like everyday is killing me a little at a time. i wake up, put on that damn uniform and go to class where it seems like sticking my pencil in my eye would be a better use of my time. then i have to go to work where i sit at a fucking desk for 2 1/2 hours and do NOTHING, oh sure the phone rings occasionally but other than that....NOTHING. then i come back to this hell hole of a dorm room, and SIT, and SIT, and SIT doing nothing until its time to go to bed again. but then i try to sleep and what happens? i can't sleep. TV bores me, i read a couple pages in my book and can't stand to read anymore, nothing sounds appitizing and i have to make myself eat because i know if i don't i'll get sick. nothing excites me, and i have NO ambition to get up out of bed and do anything....
Jays leaving on sunday to drive back to arizona, where he will be making money and saving. i'm supposed to be going down there after i graduate, and once again before a couple weeks ago, that plan was #1, now i'm having second thoughts. i want to be with him, i love him, i wouldn't mind living somewhere different for awhile to see how it goes, but the thought of being there, so far away from everything that is familiar to me, scares the ever loving shit out of me. i know that i'm 20 years old and i need to take adventures and see what else is out there besides Pepperell, so why am i so nervous? i'll tell you why...because if i finally make the decision to definitly go down there, i will piss off so many people, my mother, my father, my aunt, my grandparents, my friends, my brother....and the thought of them all being HERE and angry i left scares me more than anything.
so heres the dilema....do i go because i want to and piss off my entire family? or do i stay to make them happy? i feel like no matter what I do, i know someone will be angry/mad/upset at my decision. if i go, i make jay happy and my family miserable, if i stay i make jay miserable and my family happy. everyone keeps saying to do what makes me happy....ha, easier said than done.
i want my car back, i want my happy normal life back, i want to be happy again....is that so much to ask?
