(no subject)
ok so today britt and i decided we were gonna skip. sooooo i told ash i was leaving after first hour. he was THE ONLY reason i went to first cuz i told britt i wanted to see him ANYHOW...we ended up going over to josh's house. ok lets get this straight josh is my friend and he is a really good friend. we were all watching t.v. me and britt finally convinced josh to go into the bath room and do that bloody mary shit...well nothing happened then he forced me and britt to join him and still nothing happened. so i was afraid of that for a looooong ass time for NO reason lol. so we started watching t.v. again. and someone knocked on the door i jumped up to see who it was cuz i had a bad feeling (i thought it was like my dad or something) well it was ash ashley george and david l. so i sat back down and didnt really think anything of it. wellllll to make a long story short ash thought i was going home so he was like livid that i was there. and he was pissed off cuz josh told him not to yell inside of his house and to do it outside if he was going to. i feel bad that i pissed ash off. however not once did i say i was going home not once did i say i was too tired to stay in school or that i didnt feel well enough to stay in school. w.e. thats besides the point. i feel bad. was i going to tell him that i went there? absolutely. i dont hide anything from ash. i dont know why he doesnt trust me. obviously i admitted to the whole me amanda and trey thing so if there was something going on with me and someone else dont you think i would tell him?? i dont know why he doesnt trust me around josh and kacey. kacey would NEVER have had a chance with me and i would NEVER do ANYTHING with josh seeing as how he and cheslie hooked up or w.e. and he and whore jones hooked up or w.e. i wouldnt do that. so now i guess we're on the verge of breaking up. i want him to be happy. im willing to give josh up for him. however if i do that he needs to be expecting to lose a friend. b.c. im NOT going to be the only one losing people in my life. are me and josh going to be friends forever? probably not. when i leave for school its very doubtful that i will keep in contact with anyone besides like ash and ashley and like trey and tesia. the only way ill talk to people from jupiter is probably if they contact me. im not the type to like pick up the phone and call random people. i dont like call people i see in jupiter now so why would i randomly call them like next year?? i dont really understand why ashley and david walked up to the door with ash. they didnt say anything. they saw him pushing me away saying im done im done and then they walked away. that was a little confusing to me. i left shortly after they did. and i came home and ever since like 11:50 this morning i haven't stopped thinking about this situation. so many things are running through my head. if ash does want to break up with me i will be heartbroken!! i wont get over him. i care about him and love him more than anyone or anything in this world. like i can see me and him together in the future. i want to be with him forever. i am completely comfortable with him being the last person i can kiss and the only person i can be with. thats what i want. maybe i purposely went over to joshs house today. i like when i guys are somewhat controlling and ash is far from it. and today he told me that he cant be with me if me and josh are friends. i kinda liked it when he said that. like i know he cares about me but like that just kinda confirmed it or something i dunno im weird like that. i love ash so much. i dont think anyone knows or understands how much im in love with that kid. one of ashleys previous lj (when we were fighting or w.e.) was like how hard is it to stop seeing josh he isnt that wonderful if you love ashs you would it isnt that hard. something along those lines. no its not hard for me to stop seeing him. BUT its not fair for him to ask me to. he needs to trust me. when i had a problem with him and ashley hanging out not once did i ask him to stop being friends with her. and when i had a problem with him and cheslie hanging out after the rumor got started not once did i say to stop being friends with her. the only thing i asked was for him to try and not be alone with the two of them. im never alone with josh. today brittany was there. brittany was the one who wanted to tell nick i was cheating on him. now she likes ash a hell of a lot more then she liked nick. so dont you think she would say something to him if anything happened. i know that this entire situation is b.c. he doesnt trust me around josh b.c. josh likes me. i like josh too but as a friend. nothing can happen if feelings aren't mutual. if this is the end of me and ash i dont know what i'll do. i think this whole situation is ridiculous. its un-called for. if i was him i would have waited to see if i would have told him and then if i didnt i would have thrown it in my face. oh he said that the 3 of them went to subway. i dont doubt it cuz ashley or maybe dave or both of them were eating it so i dont care but why would they have taken alt a1a all the way to toney penna when subway is on alt a1a and like central. i dont understand a lot of what happened today. all im really sure of is that i love ash with all my heart and i will never love anyone as much as i love him. he is my life. and im sure that i feel like shit and have all day. i feel really bad i wish i could rewind today and just go to school. the skipping has got to stop. peace out home dawgs.