Idea In Progress: Hide Your Items!

Oct 06, 2010 00:39

So, recently I had an idea. It was supported by a very scientific study, and now I've reached a point where I must move forward with this idea or let it go. And Gods help me, I'm actually going to move forward with it. I'll explain below in the normal sized, normal colored text.

Last year I was in a depression all year. Possibly before last year. I don't know when it started, but I can remember when it ended. Not the exact day, but I know what I was doing - looking out he living room window at the huge amount of clean, white snow all around. Watching the sun make it almost glow with a pure, sparkling light the likes of which I rarely see anymore. Normally, the winter would aggravate my depression. Most winters I spend griping about the cold, the wind, the ice everywhere. I usually go into a low energy phase, where I don't want to do anything or see anyone until the spring thaw. Not last winter. As I stood there looking out the window, I could not find a single thing wrong with the season. I would think of how terrible it was to slip on an icy sidewalk or have to go out in the cold, and then I would remind myself that I was inside and not dealing with those things at the moment. And even when I did go out, they weren't so bad. My depression lifted, for no discernable reason.

It was unfamiliar and weird for a while, and it still is a little bit, but I'm still not seriously depressed. I've had times this last year where I was kinda bummed out, but there was always a reason and it always lifted after a while. This was not the usual clinical depression, it was the normal ups and downs of a normal person. (I mean emotionally normal. Don't worry.)

Also, in the last year or so I've been trying to get more interested in healthier snacks. I used to live on junk food, and I was depressed a lot. This year I've tried to bring home less junk food and more snacks that aren't as bad for me. I'm not a health nut yet - no rice cakes or anything like that. I actually hate rice cakes. I also hate oatmeal, but that doesn't have any bearing on this story. Anyway, I sometimes want cereal these days, so I've been getting healthier ones. Cereals with oat flakes, bran flakes, flax clusters (whatever the heck that is) and nuts and dried fruit. I like the Mueslix, but it can get a tad expensive for a small box, so I change it up every few weeks. Something with healthy flakes, thinly sliced almonds and raisins will make me happy, but it doesn't have to be all three of those things. I like to try new ones and figure out which ones I like. I haven't had a cereal with marshmallows in it for a very long time, and I honestly don't miss them.

Also in the snacks department, I had no idea how good those Nature's Valley nut bars were. The one made with cashews and cashew butter is awesome. If I ever see cashew butter in our grocery store, I'm buying some. Other fiber-riffic breaksfast/snack bars are good too, and the ones that have a little bit of chocolate in them are sometimes able to curb my desperate need for sweets, and chocolate in particular. I've also been trying to have healthier bread and more stuff like turkey in the fridge for making sandwiches, and more veggies and fruit in the house for snackies. Also Wheat Thins and other less junk-oriented snacks. I'm cutting way back on soda, and making sure to have other options in the fridge. Iced tea, LifeWater, and cran-pomegranate juice lately, though I like other juice flavors. (I weep for the disappearance of cran-tangerine juice. I can't find it anywhere. If anyone sees it, will you please tell me where it is? I miss it.)

So, all this has been going on this year. And I've been...not-depressed...all year. I'm not saying there haven't been times when I was jonesing so hard for sweets that I actually drank Hershey's Chocolate Syrup out of the bottle. But hey, we all have weaknesses. That doesn't happen often though. Usually I'm fine. However, in the last couple of months I've been having more sugary snacks and desserts. I haven't thought anything of it until the last couple of days. When I realized that for about two weeks, I've been overly emotional and depressed for no apparent reason. The last sugary mistake I made was a bag of chocolate caramel candy corn. (Yes, they have it. And yes, it is as gross and awesome as it sounds.) I've also been a wreck, after eating that crap. Lots of crying for no reason. Lots of nostalgia that would then lead to crying. Seriously, these last couple of weeks have been very bad on the mood scale. But I didn't drop into a more permanent depression, like I would've expected.

So, getting too much sugar in my diet made me depressed. A very scientific study indeed. Now I have to go back to getting less sugar. It's not easy. I'm used to having whatever chocolate or junk food I want, whenever I want it, or at least very soon. I'm used to hearing the more rational part of my mind tell me not to eat junk food and then totally ignoring that part of me and eating a bag of peanut butter cups, for example. I'm used to living with low willpower. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to stay out of depression. I also would like to lose weight and try to keep a little healthier in general.

I'm not quite ready for regular vigorous activity yet. I'm hoping to work my way up to something regular though. Wouldn't mind playing laser tag with the young dudes again, actually. That was fun. And there was a really good salad bar afterward at a pizza buffet place across town from the laser tag arena. (Kinda sad that I'm getting excited about salad bars these days, but there you go.)

So, yeah. Not really a diet, but just an attempt to cut down on the bad things. I won't cut out chocolate completely, because that's a sure way to make me eat even more chocolate, in defiance of my own self-imposed limits. And I won't quit soda entirely, not yet anyway. That may happen in the future, but for now I'm happy just trying to be a little more sane when it comes to eating. I'm an emotional eater too, so I really do need to watch it with the unhealthy stuff. I know this though, and have been trying to work through issues in my mind and control the urge to eat when I feel depressed or sad or empty. (Eating too much junk makes me feel depressed, sad and empty. So when I feel like that, I eat junk food to make myself happier. Aaaaand the cycle continues!) Right. Willpower and sanity. That's what I'm trying to develop right now.

I hope this goes well.

chocolate, healthy snacks, depression, withdrawl

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