So, This Is What It's Like Now?
Okay then, this isn't bad. Actually, considering what it could be - and what it has been before - this is pretty good. Still a little confusing, but at least that's something I'm familiar with.
Yeah. Thought I'd drop in and give the six-month mood report: mostly sunny. A while back I posted about my mood upswing, mainly because I was confused and disoriented by the sudden lack of depression. I'd been in a deep depression for all of 2009 and probably most of 2008, and it had been so long since I'd entered that particular downswing that I'd started to think that was normal. When the depression lifted - for no discernable reason, I might add - it was startling how good things seemed all of a sudden. Once I'd figured out what had happened, I was suddenly afraid it wouldn't last and I'd be plunged into another long depression very soon.
So far, that has not happened. It's been over six months and I'm still pretty much okay. No one is more surprised by this than me, but I've given up trying to explain it to myself or figure out what caused it. Also I've shrugged off the fear of returning to my usual depression. I'd rather enjoy the current good state of mind I'm in than fear its unpredictable end.
Another thing. In November I tried to quit caffeine by switching to caffeine free soda. It tasted okay, but on day three of the experiment I did three things. One, I wandered around my room, grasping at the air as if I was strangling imaginary people, because I was feeling like strangling real people. (Not specific people, just anyone.) After the mock stranglings came the sobbing, and I would curl up in the fetal position on my bed and lay there weeping uncontrollably for a while. After the crying tapered off, I'd get onto the computer and try to get myself as far into the internet tubes as possible, to avoid interacting with any element of the real world. That went on all day, and the next day I went back on the caffeine.
Lately I've been considering that day and wondering if it was just bad timing that thwarted my attempt to quit. I was still in that deep depression when I did that, so that may have added to the trauma. I'm good now, so maybe I could try again to quit the caffeine and actually succeed this time. Or maybe I'd be plunged back into those same kinds of withdrawls and it would totally suck. But - and maybe this is the better outlook talking - it was one day out of my entire life. How long would those withdrawls last if I stuck to the caffeine free soda? A few days? A couple of weeks? Maybe even a month? When I look at the length of the average human life, that doesn't seem like such a long time. It was bad, but it wouldn't last forever and afterward I would probably feel better. I'm not saying I intend to quit caffeine again anytime soon, but it's a thought.
Also, I could just quit soda. I could drink iced tea and stuff like that, and still have some caffeine, but avoid the soda and cut out all those chemical colorings and flavorings, not to mention the calories, sodium, etc. Could I quit soda? That thought actually scares me a little, whereas the quitting caffeine idea is less frightening. I don't know - no plans, just ideas.
And another thing: I finally installed my webcam. Have not used it yet, but I opened the lens up to make sure it was working, and it was. I hate seeing myself on video, and in photos, and that has not changed. However, about a year ago I felt ready to give up being anonymous on the internet and stop hiding behind my various handles and nicknames. At the time my CD-ROM drive was not functioning, so I couldn't install the camera I got for my birthday. (Or possibly Christmas, I can't remember.) But I got the drive fixed a while back, and the camera had been sitting here for a year, waiting to be installed, and I thought about doing it right away...and then didn't. Because the fear of being seen had come back. I'm back to hiding and keeping anonymous again, and I'm feeling okay about that. However, it's stupid to just let a piece of tech sit there unused, so earlier tonight I installed the damn thing. Doesn't mean I have to uncover the lens and use it ever. I suppose one day I'll be more comfortable with the idea of people seeing me and on that day I'll use the camera. Until then, it's here, installed and waiting. Shit.
Nothing much else going on around here. Hanging out with friends, watching Farscape at algor_langeaux 's place on Thursdays, and now considering going to more of the monthly drum circles at our local Pagan shop. I've been to two of them, and they're really cool. Mainly I wanted to go over the change in mood and ponder that for a bit, but really, I don't need to be giving it all that much thought. My mood changes when it does, and there's no stopping it or knowing when it will happen, so all I can do is enjoy this while it lasts and not worry about my sanity now or in the future.
Not bad at all.
Yeah. Thought I'd drop in and give the six-month mood report: mostly sunny. A while back I posted about my mood upswing, mainly because I was confused and disoriented by the sudden lack of depression. I'd been in a deep depression for all of 2009 and probably most of 2008, and it had been so long since I'd entered that particular downswing that I'd started to think that was normal. When the depression lifted - for no discernable reason, I might add - it was startling how good things seemed all of a sudden. Once I'd figured out what had happened, I was suddenly afraid it wouldn't last and I'd be plunged into another long depression very soon.
So far, that has not happened. It's been over six months and I'm still pretty much okay. No one is more surprised by this than me, but I've given up trying to explain it to myself or figure out what caused it. Also I've shrugged off the fear of returning to my usual depression. I'd rather enjoy the current good state of mind I'm in than fear its unpredictable end.
Another thing. In November I tried to quit caffeine by switching to caffeine free soda. It tasted okay, but on day three of the experiment I did three things. One, I wandered around my room, grasping at the air as if I was strangling imaginary people, because I was feeling like strangling real people. (Not specific people, just anyone.) After the mock stranglings came the sobbing, and I would curl up in the fetal position on my bed and lay there weeping uncontrollably for a while. After the crying tapered off, I'd get onto the computer and try to get myself as far into the internet tubes as possible, to avoid interacting with any element of the real world. That went on all day, and the next day I went back on the caffeine.
Lately I've been considering that day and wondering if it was just bad timing that thwarted my attempt to quit. I was still in that deep depression when I did that, so that may have added to the trauma. I'm good now, so maybe I could try again to quit the caffeine and actually succeed this time. Or maybe I'd be plunged back into those same kinds of withdrawls and it would totally suck. But - and maybe this is the better outlook talking - it was one day out of my entire life. How long would those withdrawls last if I stuck to the caffeine free soda? A few days? A couple of weeks? Maybe even a month? When I look at the length of the average human life, that doesn't seem like such a long time. It was bad, but it wouldn't last forever and afterward I would probably feel better. I'm not saying I intend to quit caffeine again anytime soon, but it's a thought.
Also, I could just quit soda. I could drink iced tea and stuff like that, and still have some caffeine, but avoid the soda and cut out all those chemical colorings and flavorings, not to mention the calories, sodium, etc. Could I quit soda? That thought actually scares me a little, whereas the quitting caffeine idea is less frightening. I don't know - no plans, just ideas.
And another thing: I finally installed my webcam. Have not used it yet, but I opened the lens up to make sure it was working, and it was. I hate seeing myself on video, and in photos, and that has not changed. However, about a year ago I felt ready to give up being anonymous on the internet and stop hiding behind my various handles and nicknames. At the time my CD-ROM drive was not functioning, so I couldn't install the camera I got for my birthday. (Or possibly Christmas, I can't remember.) But I got the drive fixed a while back, and the camera had been sitting here for a year, waiting to be installed, and I thought about doing it right away...and then didn't. Because the fear of being seen had come back. I'm back to hiding and keeping anonymous again, and I'm feeling okay about that. However, it's stupid to just let a piece of tech sit there unused, so earlier tonight I installed the damn thing. Doesn't mean I have to uncover the lens and use it ever. I suppose one day I'll be more comfortable with the idea of people seeing me and on that day I'll use the camera. Until then, it's here, installed and waiting. Shit.
Nothing much else going on around here. Hanging out with friends, watching Farscape at algor_langeaux 's place on Thursdays, and now considering going to more of the monthly drum circles at our local Pagan shop. I've been to two of them, and they're really cool. Mainly I wanted to go over the change in mood and ponder that for a bit, but really, I don't need to be giving it all that much thought. My mood changes when it does, and there's no stopping it or knowing when it will happen, so all I can do is enjoy this while it lasts and not worry about my sanity now or in the future.
Not bad at all.