New Fic: Once More: Consequences Pt. 5/5
Phew, finally done and I fixed previous mistakes in earlier parts so it'll be better on the yahoo group when I post it. Hope you enjoy it!!
Pt. 5
They were told they’d been missing only two days, but it felt like two months or maybe even years - the three responded to their crew’s obvious enthusiasm at their return as best they could and held off questions until they’d had a chance to recover. They’d all been shuffled off to sickbay for better healing, though all three had slight physical scars that would remain unless they wanted to consider further plastic surgery to cover them in the future. But it was the mental scars that were the biggest ones left and Jim knew that the men they’d been two days ago were gone. The three men had returned, but they were almost strangers now.
None of them gave anything, but the most barebones of their ordeal - they’d been tortured, but not asked questions, there seemed to be a mutiny on the ship and the new commander had left them behind - they had no clue as to the alien’s identities and they doubted they’d ever know for sure. Scotty reported how they’d followed them as best they could, but that the traces were gone - apparently whoever was in charge of their engines now had cleared up the problem and the ship had vanished without further trace or clue to their identity. Jim was torn between the desire to seek out the ship and confront their attackers and relief that they didn’t have to face them again. He had a strong desire to put the whole ordeal behind him - more so for McCoy and Spock - their relationship had been strained before all this - now what would happen? He dreaded sleeping at night, nightmares woke him every night and he’d only witnessed that final cruel act…what must the other two be going through?
***
Leonard rubbed his reddened eyes and tried to focus on his office consol and failed, again. No amount of coffee or stimulants could keep him going any longer. He knew he’d have to sleep eventually, but ever since the first night he’d woken up screaming (thank god for the soundproofing panels on his walls) he had tried not to. Bones had already put in for personal time off and been granted it by Jim readily. The captain had tried several times to engage him in a game of chess or a drink, but he’d begged off each time with lame excuses he knew Jim could see through, but respected nonetheless. Leonard knew his friend was worried for him, but he couldn’t handle looking into those eyes right now. And the other person he could not stand to see every day - Spock. The feeling was mutual if Spock’s own behavior was any clue. They hadn’t been alone in a room or corridor once since the ‘incident.’ Spock was preoccupied with more experiments than usual and spent extra time on the bridge or in his quarters doing whatever Vulcans did in their rooms. Meditate or play his harp or probably do more work.
The doctor finally stood up and gave in to the inevitability of sleep and headed towards his quarters, his eyes on the floor just above him lest he pass someone who tried to engage him in conversation. The crew in general knew only that the three men had been interrogated and then released - the details were classified since it was an unknown species and his own medical team knew to keep their mouths shut - not only out of patient confidentiality, but because of the look in McCoy’s eyes when he’d been treated. And they only knew of the first day’s torture. If it wasn’t for Jim and the final ‘mercy’ from the aliens…then there’d be even more pity in his team’s eyes. There were already rumors circulating the ship, but nothing quite near the truth yet and he hoped it stayed that way.
Gawd, how could he stay on this ship now? Seeing Spock every day, reliving the event every time he closed his eyes…
He entered his quarters and looked accusingly at the bed as if it were to blame. He decided to indulge in an extra ration of hot water in the shower - scrubbing hard with Starfleet issued soap. Clean, he could never get clean enough, no matter how hard he tried, finally the timer stopped and the water turned cold. Two more minutes of this and he’d be out of water for the rest of the week and have only sonic shower privileges available. Damn it. He hated this ship now. He wanted to go home, but where was home anymore? He’d signed up for Starfleet and for this mission on this ship - there was precious little chance of getting out of it now. Especially since Nero had effectively drained Starfleet of so many vessels and experienced officers. Heading towards what they thought was a possible geological disaster and rescue mission, hundreds of experienced Starfleet Medical personnel had been lost.
His comm beeped, letting him know of the messages still waiting to be heard. He had a good feeling who the three messages were from - Spock - his Spock. He was desperate to see his T’hyla’s face - to touch him, though it was impossible. Yet he had not even been able to bring himself to view the messages yet. Which wasn’t fair to the older man…his Spock had no idea what had occurred and he was most likely worried about the absence of response. Leonard steeled himself and sat down to view them. He started at the beginning.
“Leonard, I bring greetings from New Vulcan, several of the younger healers are wondering if you will be visiting again soon. I have told them of how long the Enterprise’s missions usually are and that it will likely not be for some time before you are in this sector and have time to visit. I believe you made quite an impression on the one named T’Larsk - I’ve been informed you promised to bring back some old Earth historical documents on the Chinese art of acupuncture. There is a similar practice in old Vulcan documents, now lost, unfortunately, but I have tried to write down all I remember studying of it, however briefly…”
The Ambassador prattled on in the same vein for awhile and seeing the lined face of his own older Spock had not been the ordeal Leonard had feared, instead he found himself smiling for the first time in as long as he could remember. He crossed his arms on the desk and settled his chin on them, half listening and half enjoying watching his T’hyla speak. After a few minutes the older Spock leaned slightly closer to his monitor and spoke softly. “…and I, of course, miss you most of all as I am sure you would insist on hearing. Please let me know as soon as you have leave available so I can rendezvous with you if you cannot make it to New Vulcan.” The older Spock leaned ever so slightly closer to the screen and said in a lower voice, “I long to touch you once more - to hear your thoughts…to be as one again,” he then leaned back to his formal stiff back posture, “Farewell, for now. Ambassador Spock, out.”
To touch him - to meld with him…Leonard shivered, he didn’t want his T’hyla to know of his ordeal, though it would be unavoidable once they met again.
He sighed and started the next message. “Leonard, T’hyla, I understand your business aboard the Enterprise must keep you quite busy, but I confess I had hoped to hear from you by now. I used some rather unconventional channels and discovered the Enterprise is undergoing a rescue mission for missing members of its crew, though my sources could not tell me who was missing at the time as it was uncertain. Please respond as soon as possible.”
Leonard winced at that. He should have known his Spock would find out and he’d been safely aboard the Enterprise for several days now - he should have listened to these messages and reassured his bondmate by now. He quickly punched the button for the next message.
“Leonard, T’hyla, I now know why you did not answer my first two messages, but I do not know how you fare beyond your physical health was listed as non-critical when you were picked up. I am sorely tempted to break certain ethical as well as security codes to discover your condition if you do not respond to this message within two days. I will not push you for information, I simply seek to hear your voice and see your face for now, but I have already requisitioned a vessel and time to rendezvous with you - either give me a time and place to meet or I will find a way to meet up with the Enterprise on my own.”
McCoy quickly checked the time/date stamp on the message, just less than 46 hours ago. Not wanting a scene on the Enterprise, he quickly requested a message to New Vulcan. His fingers drummed restlessly on the desk, hoping Spock had not left yet. The last thing he needed were two Spocks on this ship - especially when his Spock found out what had happened.
***
Spock’s bags were packed and he was finishing notes before heading towards his waiting ship when he heard his comm beep.
Leonard. It had to be. He quickly answered the comm. His first instinct was to admonish his T’hyla for worrying him and make a comment on the human capacity for procrastination, but one look at the haunted red eyes of his bondmate stopped him.
“Spock? I’m all right, no need to race over here and check on me like a child,” Leonard said softly. Normally such words would have been said in a fractious voice, but his T’hyla sounded exhausted and ill. He was trying to hide it, but there was no point - Spock could see plainly that Leonard was anything but ‘all right.’
“Leonard, I am relieved to hear from you, I was just getting ready to leave and come to you.”
McCoy shook his head, his eyes nervous. “No! No, don’t do that. I’ve put in for some leave. It’s in two days and I will be able to make it to Starbase 6. Can you meet me there?”
Spock would do anything right now to calm him - he wished desperately that he could touch him right now. Those bloodshot eyes and dark circles spoke volumes. What had Leonard been through? “Of course, Leonard, I will meet you there. I will not push you for details, but I do wish you would try to get some sleep before we meet. You look ill.”
Leonard shrugged it off. “I’m fine. Nothing a bit of time off this ship and near you won’t cure. I’ll take a sleep hypo if I need it.”
Spock raised an eyebrow at that, from what he knew in his own universe, he had just heard his T’hyla lie to his face.
“I do not believe you will…previous experiences with your counterpart and my knowledge of you lead me to believe otherwise. I can see from here you are not taking care of yourself and on the verge of physical collapse. You will not be able to take a vacation leave if your own medical team sees you like this and confines you to sickbay. Take the medication and sleep, Leonard. I will see you in two days, either on Starbase 6 or on the Enterprise…” he threatened as gently as he could. He knew no other way to make the human comply.
His T’hyla’s brow creased and he scowled for only an instant and then he slumped forward, giving in. A sign that caused more alarm in Spock than any other response would have done. “Alright - I promise. One sleep hypo coming up. But you have to promise to go to Starbase 6 and wait for me. I need to get off this ship.”
Spock nodded solemnly, “Thank you, I promise not to interfere with your plans then. Sleep well, T’hyla.”
His bondmate shook his head slightly, but mumbled “I’ll try.” He then signed off without further discussion.
Spock sat back in his chair and rubbed at his temples with his fingertips, he wondered just what had happened in such a short amount of time that McCoy, Kirk and his counterpart had been missing for such obvious psychological damage to have occurred. He had seen his own McCoy endure physical torture, imprisonment, and many dangerous episodes during his service in Starfleet, but the man looked as haunted as he had after the Mirror Universe incident if not more so. Could something similar have occurred? The time, place and conditions were not the same so it was highly unlikely they had encountered their mirror universe selves.
Spock had not wished to be a Starfleet officer for quite some time now, but he did miss his contacts and his access to necessary resources to look into their mission further - he was further hindered by being from another time and universe - most of his long standing or fairly recent contacts were not even born yet. He had lost much of his old life and influence, no matter what he had gained on New Vulcan.
He now knew the frustration experienced by many Federation civilians that were married or otherwise related or involved with Starfleet officers. It was difficult to be ‘on the outside looking in,’ as humans put it.
But as a Vulcan he had a far greater ability to set aside the frustration and focus on what little facts he knew. He could see the sudden panic at the thought of Spock intercepting the Enterprise. Spock himself did not wish to have to resort to such an event - he wished to keep his interference with the ship’s future as possible. His own relationship with McCoy was damaging enough. He had not sought it out - indeed he had gone out of his way to avoid it, but this universe’s McCoy was every bit as stubborn as his own had been. But the panic in his T’hyla’s eyes concerned him. He had yet to meet with his own counterpart to discuss the bonding that had occurred and he had a feeling that the main reason he did not want Spock near the Enterprise was for the two to come in contact. He had promised his counterpart he would discuss the matter with him, whatever had happened in the meantime might complicate things further, but surely Leonard knew it was only a matter of time before they would meet again.
Yet having seen the obvious distress and physical toll McCoy had recently suffered he would not pursue the matter until his T’hyla was ready to deal with it.
Spock returned to finishing the details for his departure. He now had time to requisition the transport officially rather than ‘borrowing’ it as he had been about to do before McCoy’s call.
***
McCoy paced his room and tried to calm himself. He could not meet his bondmate in this agitated state and his transport left in twenty minutes, he rubbed his sweaty palms on his off duty pants and tried to quell the rising panic. He had tried to sit down on the floor and go over the meditation techniques Spock had taught him, but as usual his disorganized human mind simply refused to stop dwelling on exactly what he was trying not to think of - Spock had tried his best, but he had admitted his own McCoy had never mastered the art of it.
‘You are an emotional, passionate being and the idea of dropping those feelings or letting them slip away from your mind, even temporarily was something that he always resisted. He was able to distance himself for small periods of time on lesser matters to gain perspective, but on matters where he was emotionally involved or had a strong opinion on…and there were few he did not have a strong opinion on,’ Spock had raised a sardonic eyebrow at McCoy and Leonard couldn’t help raising one of his own in mock argument and then smiling in acknowledgement, ‘those matters he could never distance himself from.’
Leonard had leaned forward and gently traced the older man’s wrinkled brow. He did not see the age as marring the face, but rather enhancing it - showing the century and a half of experience, knowledge, loss…and Leonard liked to think that there was joy written there, too. He had seen it in the meld with his counterpart and he saw a flicker of it now and then with him. ‘Did you ever regret that he could not see things as you did?’ He asked, but he rather knew the answer already from the bond.
‘At times, in the beginning - I worried his passionate nature would only hinder him or cause trouble during times of crisis, but slowly I came to see that his perspective gave me new insights and offered a different point of view that complimented my own in ways I never could have foreseen when I first met him. And later…I came to truly appreciate our differences, I would not be the person I am today without him. Without you…’ he spoke softly, tracing Leonard’s smooth brow in the same manner. ‘I am fortunate that you are every bit as stubborn in this universe as my own…but I do worry I have caused more harm than good in your life. This relationship is not natural for you. It is not the one you would have had. But then, I already caused the trouble with Nero’s appearance in the past.’ He had fallen silent after that and Leonard had leaned forward to kiss him, hoping to convey some of his sorrow and love at the same time. To distract his lover from dwelling on something both knew he had done his best to correct given the circumstances.
McCoy realized he had stopped pacing with that memory surfacing, half smiling at the memory of those few quiet moments he’d had with his bondmate after the Pon Farr. He could not wait to see him again - his worries were shoved into the furthest corner of his mind and he focused on the positive part of what was coming. Getting off this ship and seeing the one person he needed most. He grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He was ready now.
***
Commander Spock noted the time the transport left with the few crewmembers granted shore leave as it left dock. He knew that McCoy had requested time off and that Kirk had readily granted it, giving him medical leave instead of deducting from his vacation time - he’d also offered it to Spock, but he had of course refused. Kirk was not taking any leave time off, though as a human he likely should have done so as well, but from what he knew of his young enthusiastic captain, he preferred to deal with his problems with more work. Or with women and the transport’s destination, Starbase 6 was rather limited in such a capacity and had little entertainment value which is why so few crewmembers had decided to request time off. They were hoping a more amenable post or planet would come along further into the mission.
Spock also knew why McCoy had taken the time off for the Starbase - he was meeting with his counterpart. He had not spoken a word of it to Spock; indeed they had not spoken at all beyond the absolute necessary communication between senior members of the staff and even then - usually through memos or messages passed between their two staffs. He knew the medical and science staffs, as close together as they worked, had read a great deal into their division heads silent and strictly business communications. Not that Spock was normally anything, but professional and detached, but the doctor’s change in mood and demeanor had been noted. His Vulcan hearing had overheard many speculations on what might have happened to alter the doctor so since their abduction. It was also from the ship’s scuttlebutt that he heard of the doctor’s plans to take time off before he saw the paperwork himself. He had then quickly deduced and ascertained that Ambassador Spock was heading to that base at the same time period as well.
He had briefly considered contacting his counterpart to set up a time to discuss the bonding as originally planned, but just as quickly dismissed it. He had no doubt such a discussion was still necessary - perhaps more so now than ever before, but he knew that McCoy would not welcome his presence at the base at this time. And, a small part of him that he wished he could dismiss noted that he was no longer as eager to see his counterpart again, either. He did the best he could to deny the human feeling of guilt and returned his focus on his duties. Later on he would have a chance to meditate and decide on a course of action, but for now such human frailty was a luxury he would not allow himself.
***
Leonard tapped his ID card on the hotel’s counter impatiently waiting for the damn clerk to return to his desk and give him the pass to his rooms. The ride to base had not been a soothing one. Even under the best circumstances he hated riding in shuttles at all, after his crash landing and abduction, he could have sworn the shuttle’s walls were closing in on him despite his best attempts at distraction with his music pod playing soothing classical music and a book in his hands, but he’d paid attention to neither and instead learned he had a new phobia to add to aviaphobia - claustrophobia. Great. He’d either have to confront these fears with a therapist or he’d run out of yet another career option. But then, he was already considering leaving Starfleet, wasn’t he? This would be an excellent excuse. Though, with Starfleet so undermanned and Kirk as his captain and McCoy’s reputation for being one of the few that could help reign in his maverick friend when needed - he might not be allowed to a psych discharge without a fight. Leonard shoved those thoughts out of his head with great force and locked it in a box in his mind where it would hopefully remain for awhile. Now was not the time to dwell on it, he wanted to get to his room and relax a little before Spock got here if possible.
A weathered hand gently placed itself on his still tapping one and stilled it. No chance then - Leonard looked up at his bondmate and found himself smiling sheepishly despite his earlier frustration. “You made it,” he said lamely and wished he could take back the words, but he was at a loss for what else to say. He was now suddenly fighting back tears, it was so good to see the older Spock’s face again after months apart. Spock’s hand was on his and must’ve felt the rollercoaster of emotions in his human mind as he cocked an eyebrow and gently squeezed his hand in reassurance.
“I have, and I’ve already secured our lodgings, shall we go up or would you like to send your bag ahead and explore the amenities of the base?” he asked quietly.
Leonard shook his head, “One base is much like any other and I’m a bit tired,” he bent to pick up his bag, but Spock scooped it up first. It seemed wrong for a man so much older than him to take his bags, but then Spock was Vulcan and even at his advanced age still stronger and more resilient than most humans in their prime, much less a tired and bedraggled one like McCoy. Leonard tried to summon some energy and not look as bad as he felt, but he had a feeling he was failing miserably.
They arrived to a room, not the one McCoy had originally reserved, but one a little more spacious and expensive from the look of the quality in furnishings. Spock set his bag down on the large bed in the bedroom and came back with a slight smile on his face. “I took the liberty of upgrading our lodgings, I hope you don’t mind. I thought you might enjoy your time off more. If I remember correctly the Enterprise quarters can seem a bit cramped to humans after an extended period of time,” he explained most logically, then placed a hand on Leonard’s shoulder and added, “and you did complain about the proper honeymoon accommodations on New Vulcan.”
Normally Leonard would have blushed at that statement or laughed, but instead he tensed slightly and knew there was no hiding his reaction from Spock with his hand still on his shoulder. The contact, even through two layers of fabric on his shoulder seemed to burn. He tried to smile, but Spock had already removed his hand and dropped it harmlessly at his side. “I’m sorry, T’hyla, perhaps I was presumptuous. I only wish to spend time with you and talk - you seem to be in distress.”
“No - well, there’s no point in lying to you, of course you know there’s something wrong,” McCoy growled, running his fingers through his hair and then scrubbing his face, trying to keep himself from falling to pieces right then and there. He’d only just stepped into the room, now was hardly the time to fall apart on his lover.
Spock waited calmly for him to make a decision. Leonard stepped past him to the bedroom on the pretext of putting his clothes and toiletries away, ignoring the elephant in the room. The other man sat down quietly on the bed and watched him. When he was done fussing and couldn’t delay any further Leonard sat down on the bed with him, though not too close. Suddenly this visit didn’t seem like a good idea. He was obviously more unstable than he’d feared. He’d thought escaping the Enterprise would make things easier, but without his work and regimen, he was at a loose ends. He gripped the bedding next to him and squeezed it, letting some frustration out on the soft bedspread. Spock’s hand gently touched his again, not covering it this time, but reaching two fingers out to his - a gesture of reassurance and love between bondmates.
Leonard couldn’t help responding, his fingers letting go of the covers and touching his in kind. He felt slightly detached from himself as he began to slowly trace his two fingers over Spock’s, the beginning of intimate contact and a tingle of arousal spread through him. He suddenly wanted to forget the last few months and feel Spock’s body pressed against his. Spock hesitated, looking at McCoy, but the human kept his face hidden, his eyes locked on their fingers and he slowly responded by sliding his own fingers over and under and back again. They continued in that manner slowly, their minds tentatively touching and reaching out to one another through the bond. Leonard raised his eyes finally and looked into the liquid dark brown eyes before him and felt no fear for it was illogical - his bondmate would never harm him. He leaned forward and they kissed. Gently at first, as if the first time, then with growing passion, at least on Leonard’s side. He moved trembling fingers to Spock’s robe fasteners and opened them impatiently, nearly tearing one, Spock stilled his hands and finished disrobing himself before help Leonard with his own clothes. They lay down on the bed together and Leonard suddenly realized his nakedness in the glaring light of the room and called for the lights out. He knew Spock would feel the scars, and probably see them with his superior night vision, but that didn’t mean he had to see them in full light just yet.
He pushed the thought from his mind and focused on the body before him, mapping out the familiar body he knew from the Pon Farr so well, Spock’s body was still fit and the arms that cradled him close to his too hot skin were strong and protective. McCoy sighed in relief that none of this was sparking any bad memories, only good ones. He traced delicate lines with his tongue down Spock’s torso, knowing full well, the coolness of the drying dampness would raise the Vulcan equivalent of goose bumps and grinned as he found no impediment further down, Spock had been wandering the base in just a robe, no undergarments or pants. “Kinky” he whispered to the Vulcan and knew that Spock would understand his statement with their close connection. He could picture the raised eyebrow somewhere above him and knew he was being scoffed at for thinking Vulcan traditional dress was somehow sexually deviant.
Leonard continued his explorations and then when Spock was sufficiently aroused and he felt the strong hands not quite guiding him towards his goal he began to lick and then swallowed the red hot member as deeply as he could. He was sure Spock had sufficient self-discipline to be silent throughout the act, but he made gratifying noises if only for Leonard’s sake. He didn’t care, he just loved hearing his lover become vocal, whether from real abandonment or simply as encouragement. He swallowed the bitter seed and then slowly climbed back up the bed and rested his head on Spock’s chest listening to the to his heartbeat as it slowed back to its usual slow rhythm. He felt his lover’s hot hands caressing him and he enjoyed the sensation until the hands dipped low enough to trigger a sudden reaction from him.
“No!” he gasped loudly and stilled Spock’s hands. He called for the lights at 30% and looked at Spock again, embarrassed, but in desperate need of seeing the face beside him. He realized that while he didn’t want Spock to see the evidence of his torture he couldn’t engage in anything more without seeing his Spock next to him. For one brief moment he’d felt the other’s hands on him. “I’m sorry…I just - I’m not…it’s not necessary at the moment, I’m tired.” He said lamely. Any arousal he’d felt had fled at that moment of panic. He turned over and clutched at the pillow under his head. Damn Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - it was ruining everything, he thought furiously to himself.
He felt a tentative touch at the badly healed welts on his back and remembered too late that he had turned up the lights and then displayed his scars to Spock. He forced himself not to tense as Spock traced them gently. “These are very recent,” Spock said quietly.
“Yes,” the doctor whispered, closing his eyes even though his lover couldn’t see they were glistening with unshed tears.
“When you are ready, you will tell me about them.” It wasn’t a question, but a very firm declaration. McCoy rolled onto his back and shook his head.
“That’s just it, I can’t. Even if I wanted to - Starfleet has classified the incident.”
He looked over to Spock’s now impassive face. He wasn’t taking no for an answer. McCoy sighed, he knew he was only putting off the inevitable. Screw Starfleet regulations. “I - we, that is Jim and I and your counterpart,” he choked out the last, “were returning from a mission when we were struck by an unseen ship and crash landed on a planet, there were two young crewmembers killed on impact then these cloaked aliens beamed down and vaporized them - they were just kids, dammit!” He had yet to really cry for the younger crewmembers he struggled not to let the tears loose now or he may never stop crying. It wasn’t like he hadn’t lost numerous patients and seen many dead Starfleet officers already, but he’d been laughing and talking with them just seconds before they were hit. He could still see the sudden change in their expressions from joy to fear. He could smell their scorched remains still in his nostrils.
“Then…then they took us on board their ship…we were never allowed to see their faces or skin - they were always cloaked and gloved with thick boots on…” Leonard found himself spilling the entire story out. The psychologist part of him knew that what he was doing was cathartic and in the long run would help him a great deal, though it wasn’t a cureall. He was surprised at how easily the words came - how he’d been tortured first, how Kirk and Spock had been tortured and the need to stay warm… The second torture came slightly harder to tell, but he pushed forward, leaving out some details, but sometime during his speech Spock had put one of his hands in his and Leonard knew with their bond he likely saw whatever he didn’t reveal. It was better this way - no secrets between them. To think - he’d been terrified of telling anyone - and especially his T’hyla - and now…now finally someone knew everything - someone he trusted completely and when he finally ran out of words his throat hitched on a sob and he realized tears had been running down his face for awhile now. He waited for Spock to speak, but his lover instead simply picked up the hand he was holding and kissed it, then brushed back his sweaty bangs from his forehead.
“Sleep,” he finally said, softly. “I will watch over you.”
He felt safe for the first time since he’d been captured. He was safe - his T’hyla had heard it all and seemed to be able to handle it - of course he could, whyever had he doubted it? Leonard felt his eyes close, his lids too heavy to stay open any longer. One final thought went through his head before sleep claimed him - he was free and he would heal now.
***
Spock held the exhausted human in his arms without moving for 7.3 hours before McCoy murmured something unintelligible and turned over and away from him. He knew that the Vulcan body temperature had likely overheated him as he noted a light sweat on his lover’s brow and he withdrew from the bed to allow his lover a little more time to rest. He swiftly moved to the computer in the room and began his research. He had some clues as to the true nature of the aliens that had captured and tortured the Enterprise crewmen and he wanted to look into the matter himself. He easily hacked his way through the (to him) antiquated systems he needed and discovered his conjectures were correct. He then debated for several minutes on if and how he should relate this knowledge to Starfleet. A part of him, the long suppressed warrior side of his race wanted to take revenge himself, but the logical, peaceful part of him was far stronger and from what Leonard had revealed, the ringleader of the incident was likely dead anyway. Deep inside there was a voice that still called for revenge for his T’hyla, but he silenced it and tried again to focus on whether or not he should reveal the information he knew to Starfleet. He could not reveal how he knew of the incident, it was classified, also he did not want to alter events in this universe too much. At the moment the Federation had only a passing knowledge of the Cardassian people who were still too far away from their system to be in contact with them much.
He thought of all the information he could give them on what he knew of the species, their history, their philosophies, their probable intentions if were still heading in the direction they’d taken in his own universe. But in the end, he knew he could not interfere with this Universe anymore than he already had. He then turned away from the Cardassian element of the situation and recalled the part this Universe’s Spock had played in the rape of his lover. That, too, engendered a feeling of rage and irrational anger, but he quickly dismissed the feelings as he knew as well as McCoy himself knew - they had been drugged and unable to resist their captors’ sadistic plans. From what little he had gotten from McCoy’s drugged memories he knew that his counterpart had resisted the drugs as much as he could and that the rape could have been far worse than it had been. He was also grateful that McCoy had managed to keep Spock from melding with him during the rape itself - it would have most likely caused more serious mental and telepathic damage. A new forced bond between them, or perhaps even sparking an artificial Pon Farr, there were several possibilities, all disconcerting and thankfully avoided.
Yet Spock knew that this new development had hurt the necessary bond between the three men even more than Nero’s influence had done. Could Leonard return to the ship and form a friendship with this universe’s Spock now? Would his counterpart be able to handle this situation? He had seen the possessive angry side Spock had let slip during his drugged state. He resented the bond between Leonard and himself. Spock could not fully blame him - he had interfered with the timeline despite his best intentions. But then again, this Universe’s Spock was not him - and he had to remind himself of that - he had already had a relationship with Uhura, something that had never occurred in his own time, he had no way of knowing what new bond this Spock would make or if he would at all. He might choose to purge himself of all emotions as Spock had considered once himself. Already there was some discussion on New Vulcan of a few new disciples to the old rite.
Leonard groaned softly from the bed and Spock abandoned his useless ruminations to check on him. His lover’s face was tense and a frown was forming on his lips as his hands gripped and twisted the sheets - a nightmare. Spock brushed his hand against Leonard’s cheek and sensing the fear and panic growing in his mind, he gently soothed it away replacing it with peace and a sense of calm. Leonard’s face slowly relaxed and his hands stopped twisting the sheets. Spock eased him into a more comfortable position and smoothed the sheets over him. He should focus on what he could do right now and that was taking care of his T’hyla. All else must wait, the future was as uncertain as it always was - what would happen was not in his control and he must remember that.
Turning to the room’s replicator he studied the menu and planned a nutritious and hearty meal for his lover when he woke.
***
Fin
Pt. 5
They were told they’d been missing only two days, but it felt like two months or maybe even years - the three responded to their crew’s obvious enthusiasm at their return as best they could and held off questions until they’d had a chance to recover. They’d all been shuffled off to sickbay for better healing, though all three had slight physical scars that would remain unless they wanted to consider further plastic surgery to cover them in the future. But it was the mental scars that were the biggest ones left and Jim knew that the men they’d been two days ago were gone. The three men had returned, but they were almost strangers now.
None of them gave anything, but the most barebones of their ordeal - they’d been tortured, but not asked questions, there seemed to be a mutiny on the ship and the new commander had left them behind - they had no clue as to the alien’s identities and they doubted they’d ever know for sure. Scotty reported how they’d followed them as best they could, but that the traces were gone - apparently whoever was in charge of their engines now had cleared up the problem and the ship had vanished without further trace or clue to their identity. Jim was torn between the desire to seek out the ship and confront their attackers and relief that they didn’t have to face them again. He had a strong desire to put the whole ordeal behind him - more so for McCoy and Spock - their relationship had been strained before all this - now what would happen? He dreaded sleeping at night, nightmares woke him every night and he’d only witnessed that final cruel act…what must the other two be going through?
***
Leonard rubbed his reddened eyes and tried to focus on his office consol and failed, again. No amount of coffee or stimulants could keep him going any longer. He knew he’d have to sleep eventually, but ever since the first night he’d woken up screaming (thank god for the soundproofing panels on his walls) he had tried not to. Bones had already put in for personal time off and been granted it by Jim readily. The captain had tried several times to engage him in a game of chess or a drink, but he’d begged off each time with lame excuses he knew Jim could see through, but respected nonetheless. Leonard knew his friend was worried for him, but he couldn’t handle looking into those eyes right now. And the other person he could not stand to see every day - Spock. The feeling was mutual if Spock’s own behavior was any clue. They hadn’t been alone in a room or corridor once since the ‘incident.’ Spock was preoccupied with more experiments than usual and spent extra time on the bridge or in his quarters doing whatever Vulcans did in their rooms. Meditate or play his harp or probably do more work.
The doctor finally stood up and gave in to the inevitability of sleep and headed towards his quarters, his eyes on the floor just above him lest he pass someone who tried to engage him in conversation. The crew in general knew only that the three men had been interrogated and then released - the details were classified since it was an unknown species and his own medical team knew to keep their mouths shut - not only out of patient confidentiality, but because of the look in McCoy’s eyes when he’d been treated. And they only knew of the first day’s torture. If it wasn’t for Jim and the final ‘mercy’ from the aliens…then there’d be even more pity in his team’s eyes. There were already rumors circulating the ship, but nothing quite near the truth yet and he hoped it stayed that way.
Gawd, how could he stay on this ship now? Seeing Spock every day, reliving the event every time he closed his eyes…
He entered his quarters and looked accusingly at the bed as if it were to blame. He decided to indulge in an extra ration of hot water in the shower - scrubbing hard with Starfleet issued soap. Clean, he could never get clean enough, no matter how hard he tried, finally the timer stopped and the water turned cold. Two more minutes of this and he’d be out of water for the rest of the week and have only sonic shower privileges available. Damn it. He hated this ship now. He wanted to go home, but where was home anymore? He’d signed up for Starfleet and for this mission on this ship - there was precious little chance of getting out of it now. Especially since Nero had effectively drained Starfleet of so many vessels and experienced officers. Heading towards what they thought was a possible geological disaster and rescue mission, hundreds of experienced Starfleet Medical personnel had been lost.
His comm beeped, letting him know of the messages still waiting to be heard. He had a good feeling who the three messages were from - Spock - his Spock. He was desperate to see his T’hyla’s face - to touch him, though it was impossible. Yet he had not even been able to bring himself to view the messages yet. Which wasn’t fair to the older man…his Spock had no idea what had occurred and he was most likely worried about the absence of response. Leonard steeled himself and sat down to view them. He started at the beginning.
“Leonard, I bring greetings from New Vulcan, several of the younger healers are wondering if you will be visiting again soon. I have told them of how long the Enterprise’s missions usually are and that it will likely not be for some time before you are in this sector and have time to visit. I believe you made quite an impression on the one named T’Larsk - I’ve been informed you promised to bring back some old Earth historical documents on the Chinese art of acupuncture. There is a similar practice in old Vulcan documents, now lost, unfortunately, but I have tried to write down all I remember studying of it, however briefly…”
The Ambassador prattled on in the same vein for awhile and seeing the lined face of his own older Spock had not been the ordeal Leonard had feared, instead he found himself smiling for the first time in as long as he could remember. He crossed his arms on the desk and settled his chin on them, half listening and half enjoying watching his T’hyla speak. After a few minutes the older Spock leaned slightly closer to his monitor and spoke softly. “…and I, of course, miss you most of all as I am sure you would insist on hearing. Please let me know as soon as you have leave available so I can rendezvous with you if you cannot make it to New Vulcan.” The older Spock leaned ever so slightly closer to the screen and said in a lower voice, “I long to touch you once more - to hear your thoughts…to be as one again,” he then leaned back to his formal stiff back posture, “Farewell, for now. Ambassador Spock, out.”
To touch him - to meld with him…Leonard shivered, he didn’t want his T’hyla to know of his ordeal, though it would be unavoidable once they met again.
He sighed and started the next message. “Leonard, T’hyla, I understand your business aboard the Enterprise must keep you quite busy, but I confess I had hoped to hear from you by now. I used some rather unconventional channels and discovered the Enterprise is undergoing a rescue mission for missing members of its crew, though my sources could not tell me who was missing at the time as it was uncertain. Please respond as soon as possible.”
Leonard winced at that. He should have known his Spock would find out and he’d been safely aboard the Enterprise for several days now - he should have listened to these messages and reassured his bondmate by now. He quickly punched the button for the next message.
“Leonard, T’hyla, I now know why you did not answer my first two messages, but I do not know how you fare beyond your physical health was listed as non-critical when you were picked up. I am sorely tempted to break certain ethical as well as security codes to discover your condition if you do not respond to this message within two days. I will not push you for information, I simply seek to hear your voice and see your face for now, but I have already requisitioned a vessel and time to rendezvous with you - either give me a time and place to meet or I will find a way to meet up with the Enterprise on my own.”
McCoy quickly checked the time/date stamp on the message, just less than 46 hours ago. Not wanting a scene on the Enterprise, he quickly requested a message to New Vulcan. His fingers drummed restlessly on the desk, hoping Spock had not left yet. The last thing he needed were two Spocks on this ship - especially when his Spock found out what had happened.
***
Spock’s bags were packed and he was finishing notes before heading towards his waiting ship when he heard his comm beep.
Leonard. It had to be. He quickly answered the comm. His first instinct was to admonish his T’hyla for worrying him and make a comment on the human capacity for procrastination, but one look at the haunted red eyes of his bondmate stopped him.
“Spock? I’m all right, no need to race over here and check on me like a child,” Leonard said softly. Normally such words would have been said in a fractious voice, but his T’hyla sounded exhausted and ill. He was trying to hide it, but there was no point - Spock could see plainly that Leonard was anything but ‘all right.’
“Leonard, I am relieved to hear from you, I was just getting ready to leave and come to you.”
McCoy shook his head, his eyes nervous. “No! No, don’t do that. I’ve put in for some leave. It’s in two days and I will be able to make it to Starbase 6. Can you meet me there?”
Spock would do anything right now to calm him - he wished desperately that he could touch him right now. Those bloodshot eyes and dark circles spoke volumes. What had Leonard been through? “Of course, Leonard, I will meet you there. I will not push you for details, but I do wish you would try to get some sleep before we meet. You look ill.”
Leonard shrugged it off. “I’m fine. Nothing a bit of time off this ship and near you won’t cure. I’ll take a sleep hypo if I need it.”
Spock raised an eyebrow at that, from what he knew in his own universe, he had just heard his T’hyla lie to his face.
“I do not believe you will…previous experiences with your counterpart and my knowledge of you lead me to believe otherwise. I can see from here you are not taking care of yourself and on the verge of physical collapse. You will not be able to take a vacation leave if your own medical team sees you like this and confines you to sickbay. Take the medication and sleep, Leonard. I will see you in two days, either on Starbase 6 or on the Enterprise…” he threatened as gently as he could. He knew no other way to make the human comply.
His T’hyla’s brow creased and he scowled for only an instant and then he slumped forward, giving in. A sign that caused more alarm in Spock than any other response would have done. “Alright - I promise. One sleep hypo coming up. But you have to promise to go to Starbase 6 and wait for me. I need to get off this ship.”
Spock nodded solemnly, “Thank you, I promise not to interfere with your plans then. Sleep well, T’hyla.”
His bondmate shook his head slightly, but mumbled “I’ll try.” He then signed off without further discussion.
Spock sat back in his chair and rubbed at his temples with his fingertips, he wondered just what had happened in such a short amount of time that McCoy, Kirk and his counterpart had been missing for such obvious psychological damage to have occurred. He had seen his own McCoy endure physical torture, imprisonment, and many dangerous episodes during his service in Starfleet, but the man looked as haunted as he had after the Mirror Universe incident if not more so. Could something similar have occurred? The time, place and conditions were not the same so it was highly unlikely they had encountered their mirror universe selves.
Spock had not wished to be a Starfleet officer for quite some time now, but he did miss his contacts and his access to necessary resources to look into their mission further - he was further hindered by being from another time and universe - most of his long standing or fairly recent contacts were not even born yet. He had lost much of his old life and influence, no matter what he had gained on New Vulcan.
He now knew the frustration experienced by many Federation civilians that were married or otherwise related or involved with Starfleet officers. It was difficult to be ‘on the outside looking in,’ as humans put it.
But as a Vulcan he had a far greater ability to set aside the frustration and focus on what little facts he knew. He could see the sudden panic at the thought of Spock intercepting the Enterprise. Spock himself did not wish to have to resort to such an event - he wished to keep his interference with the ship’s future as possible. His own relationship with McCoy was damaging enough. He had not sought it out - indeed he had gone out of his way to avoid it, but this universe’s McCoy was every bit as stubborn as his own had been. But the panic in his T’hyla’s eyes concerned him. He had yet to meet with his own counterpart to discuss the bonding that had occurred and he had a feeling that the main reason he did not want Spock near the Enterprise was for the two to come in contact. He had promised his counterpart he would discuss the matter with him, whatever had happened in the meantime might complicate things further, but surely Leonard knew it was only a matter of time before they would meet again.
Yet having seen the obvious distress and physical toll McCoy had recently suffered he would not pursue the matter until his T’hyla was ready to deal with it.
Spock returned to finishing the details for his departure. He now had time to requisition the transport officially rather than ‘borrowing’ it as he had been about to do before McCoy’s call.
***
McCoy paced his room and tried to calm himself. He could not meet his bondmate in this agitated state and his transport left in twenty minutes, he rubbed his sweaty palms on his off duty pants and tried to quell the rising panic. He had tried to sit down on the floor and go over the meditation techniques Spock had taught him, but as usual his disorganized human mind simply refused to stop dwelling on exactly what he was trying not to think of - Spock had tried his best, but he had admitted his own McCoy had never mastered the art of it.
‘You are an emotional, passionate being and the idea of dropping those feelings or letting them slip away from your mind, even temporarily was something that he always resisted. He was able to distance himself for small periods of time on lesser matters to gain perspective, but on matters where he was emotionally involved or had a strong opinion on…and there were few he did not have a strong opinion on,’ Spock had raised a sardonic eyebrow at McCoy and Leonard couldn’t help raising one of his own in mock argument and then smiling in acknowledgement, ‘those matters he could never distance himself from.’
Leonard had leaned forward and gently traced the older man’s wrinkled brow. He did not see the age as marring the face, but rather enhancing it - showing the century and a half of experience, knowledge, loss…and Leonard liked to think that there was joy written there, too. He had seen it in the meld with his counterpart and he saw a flicker of it now and then with him. ‘Did you ever regret that he could not see things as you did?’ He asked, but he rather knew the answer already from the bond.
‘At times, in the beginning - I worried his passionate nature would only hinder him or cause trouble during times of crisis, but slowly I came to see that his perspective gave me new insights and offered a different point of view that complimented my own in ways I never could have foreseen when I first met him. And later…I came to truly appreciate our differences, I would not be the person I am today without him. Without you…’ he spoke softly, tracing Leonard’s smooth brow in the same manner. ‘I am fortunate that you are every bit as stubborn in this universe as my own…but I do worry I have caused more harm than good in your life. This relationship is not natural for you. It is not the one you would have had. But then, I already caused the trouble with Nero’s appearance in the past.’ He had fallen silent after that and Leonard had leaned forward to kiss him, hoping to convey some of his sorrow and love at the same time. To distract his lover from dwelling on something both knew he had done his best to correct given the circumstances.
McCoy realized he had stopped pacing with that memory surfacing, half smiling at the memory of those few quiet moments he’d had with his bondmate after the Pon Farr. He could not wait to see him again - his worries were shoved into the furthest corner of his mind and he focused on the positive part of what was coming. Getting off this ship and seeing the one person he needed most. He grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He was ready now.
***
Commander Spock noted the time the transport left with the few crewmembers granted shore leave as it left dock. He knew that McCoy had requested time off and that Kirk had readily granted it, giving him medical leave instead of deducting from his vacation time - he’d also offered it to Spock, but he had of course refused. Kirk was not taking any leave time off, though as a human he likely should have done so as well, but from what he knew of his young enthusiastic captain, he preferred to deal with his problems with more work. Or with women and the transport’s destination, Starbase 6 was rather limited in such a capacity and had little entertainment value which is why so few crewmembers had decided to request time off. They were hoping a more amenable post or planet would come along further into the mission.
Spock also knew why McCoy had taken the time off for the Starbase - he was meeting with his counterpart. He had not spoken a word of it to Spock; indeed they had not spoken at all beyond the absolute necessary communication between senior members of the staff and even then - usually through memos or messages passed between their two staffs. He knew the medical and science staffs, as close together as they worked, had read a great deal into their division heads silent and strictly business communications. Not that Spock was normally anything, but professional and detached, but the doctor’s change in mood and demeanor had been noted. His Vulcan hearing had overheard many speculations on what might have happened to alter the doctor so since their abduction. It was also from the ship’s scuttlebutt that he heard of the doctor’s plans to take time off before he saw the paperwork himself. He had then quickly deduced and ascertained that Ambassador Spock was heading to that base at the same time period as well.
He had briefly considered contacting his counterpart to set up a time to discuss the bonding as originally planned, but just as quickly dismissed it. He had no doubt such a discussion was still necessary - perhaps more so now than ever before, but he knew that McCoy would not welcome his presence at the base at this time. And, a small part of him that he wished he could dismiss noted that he was no longer as eager to see his counterpart again, either. He did the best he could to deny the human feeling of guilt and returned his focus on his duties. Later on he would have a chance to meditate and decide on a course of action, but for now such human frailty was a luxury he would not allow himself.
***
Leonard tapped his ID card on the hotel’s counter impatiently waiting for the damn clerk to return to his desk and give him the pass to his rooms. The ride to base had not been a soothing one. Even under the best circumstances he hated riding in shuttles at all, after his crash landing and abduction, he could have sworn the shuttle’s walls were closing in on him despite his best attempts at distraction with his music pod playing soothing classical music and a book in his hands, but he’d paid attention to neither and instead learned he had a new phobia to add to aviaphobia - claustrophobia. Great. He’d either have to confront these fears with a therapist or he’d run out of yet another career option. But then, he was already considering leaving Starfleet, wasn’t he? This would be an excellent excuse. Though, with Starfleet so undermanned and Kirk as his captain and McCoy’s reputation for being one of the few that could help reign in his maverick friend when needed - he might not be allowed to a psych discharge without a fight. Leonard shoved those thoughts out of his head with great force and locked it in a box in his mind where it would hopefully remain for awhile. Now was not the time to dwell on it, he wanted to get to his room and relax a little before Spock got here if possible.
A weathered hand gently placed itself on his still tapping one and stilled it. No chance then - Leonard looked up at his bondmate and found himself smiling sheepishly despite his earlier frustration. “You made it,” he said lamely and wished he could take back the words, but he was at a loss for what else to say. He was now suddenly fighting back tears, it was so good to see the older Spock’s face again after months apart. Spock’s hand was on his and must’ve felt the rollercoaster of emotions in his human mind as he cocked an eyebrow and gently squeezed his hand in reassurance.
“I have, and I’ve already secured our lodgings, shall we go up or would you like to send your bag ahead and explore the amenities of the base?” he asked quietly.
Leonard shook his head, “One base is much like any other and I’m a bit tired,” he bent to pick up his bag, but Spock scooped it up first. It seemed wrong for a man so much older than him to take his bags, but then Spock was Vulcan and even at his advanced age still stronger and more resilient than most humans in their prime, much less a tired and bedraggled one like McCoy. Leonard tried to summon some energy and not look as bad as he felt, but he had a feeling he was failing miserably.
They arrived to a room, not the one McCoy had originally reserved, but one a little more spacious and expensive from the look of the quality in furnishings. Spock set his bag down on the large bed in the bedroom and came back with a slight smile on his face. “I took the liberty of upgrading our lodgings, I hope you don’t mind. I thought you might enjoy your time off more. If I remember correctly the Enterprise quarters can seem a bit cramped to humans after an extended period of time,” he explained most logically, then placed a hand on Leonard’s shoulder and added, “and you did complain about the proper honeymoon accommodations on New Vulcan.”
Normally Leonard would have blushed at that statement or laughed, but instead he tensed slightly and knew there was no hiding his reaction from Spock with his hand still on his shoulder. The contact, even through two layers of fabric on his shoulder seemed to burn. He tried to smile, but Spock had already removed his hand and dropped it harmlessly at his side. “I’m sorry, T’hyla, perhaps I was presumptuous. I only wish to spend time with you and talk - you seem to be in distress.”
“No - well, there’s no point in lying to you, of course you know there’s something wrong,” McCoy growled, running his fingers through his hair and then scrubbing his face, trying to keep himself from falling to pieces right then and there. He’d only just stepped into the room, now was hardly the time to fall apart on his lover.
Spock waited calmly for him to make a decision. Leonard stepped past him to the bedroom on the pretext of putting his clothes and toiletries away, ignoring the elephant in the room. The other man sat down quietly on the bed and watched him. When he was done fussing and couldn’t delay any further Leonard sat down on the bed with him, though not too close. Suddenly this visit didn’t seem like a good idea. He was obviously more unstable than he’d feared. He’d thought escaping the Enterprise would make things easier, but without his work and regimen, he was at a loose ends. He gripped the bedding next to him and squeezed it, letting some frustration out on the soft bedspread. Spock’s hand gently touched his again, not covering it this time, but reaching two fingers out to his - a gesture of reassurance and love between bondmates.
Leonard couldn’t help responding, his fingers letting go of the covers and touching his in kind. He felt slightly detached from himself as he began to slowly trace his two fingers over Spock’s, the beginning of intimate contact and a tingle of arousal spread through him. He suddenly wanted to forget the last few months and feel Spock’s body pressed against his. Spock hesitated, looking at McCoy, but the human kept his face hidden, his eyes locked on their fingers and he slowly responded by sliding his own fingers over and under and back again. They continued in that manner slowly, their minds tentatively touching and reaching out to one another through the bond. Leonard raised his eyes finally and looked into the liquid dark brown eyes before him and felt no fear for it was illogical - his bondmate would never harm him. He leaned forward and they kissed. Gently at first, as if the first time, then with growing passion, at least on Leonard’s side. He moved trembling fingers to Spock’s robe fasteners and opened them impatiently, nearly tearing one, Spock stilled his hands and finished disrobing himself before help Leonard with his own clothes. They lay down on the bed together and Leonard suddenly realized his nakedness in the glaring light of the room and called for the lights out. He knew Spock would feel the scars, and probably see them with his superior night vision, but that didn’t mean he had to see them in full light just yet.
He pushed the thought from his mind and focused on the body before him, mapping out the familiar body he knew from the Pon Farr so well, Spock’s body was still fit and the arms that cradled him close to his too hot skin were strong and protective. McCoy sighed in relief that none of this was sparking any bad memories, only good ones. He traced delicate lines with his tongue down Spock’s torso, knowing full well, the coolness of the drying dampness would raise the Vulcan equivalent of goose bumps and grinned as he found no impediment further down, Spock had been wandering the base in just a robe, no undergarments or pants. “Kinky” he whispered to the Vulcan and knew that Spock would understand his statement with their close connection. He could picture the raised eyebrow somewhere above him and knew he was being scoffed at for thinking Vulcan traditional dress was somehow sexually deviant.
Leonard continued his explorations and then when Spock was sufficiently aroused and he felt the strong hands not quite guiding him towards his goal he began to lick and then swallowed the red hot member as deeply as he could. He was sure Spock had sufficient self-discipline to be silent throughout the act, but he made gratifying noises if only for Leonard’s sake. He didn’t care, he just loved hearing his lover become vocal, whether from real abandonment or simply as encouragement. He swallowed the bitter seed and then slowly climbed back up the bed and rested his head on Spock’s chest listening to the to his heartbeat as it slowed back to its usual slow rhythm. He felt his lover’s hot hands caressing him and he enjoyed the sensation until the hands dipped low enough to trigger a sudden reaction from him.
“No!” he gasped loudly and stilled Spock’s hands. He called for the lights at 30% and looked at Spock again, embarrassed, but in desperate need of seeing the face beside him. He realized that while he didn’t want Spock to see the evidence of his torture he couldn’t engage in anything more without seeing his Spock next to him. For one brief moment he’d felt the other’s hands on him. “I’m sorry…I just - I’m not…it’s not necessary at the moment, I’m tired.” He said lamely. Any arousal he’d felt had fled at that moment of panic. He turned over and clutched at the pillow under his head. Damn Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - it was ruining everything, he thought furiously to himself.
He felt a tentative touch at the badly healed welts on his back and remembered too late that he had turned up the lights and then displayed his scars to Spock. He forced himself not to tense as Spock traced them gently. “These are very recent,” Spock said quietly.
“Yes,” the doctor whispered, closing his eyes even though his lover couldn’t see they were glistening with unshed tears.
“When you are ready, you will tell me about them.” It wasn’t a question, but a very firm declaration. McCoy rolled onto his back and shook his head.
“That’s just it, I can’t. Even if I wanted to - Starfleet has classified the incident.”
He looked over to Spock’s now impassive face. He wasn’t taking no for an answer. McCoy sighed, he knew he was only putting off the inevitable. Screw Starfleet regulations. “I - we, that is Jim and I and your counterpart,” he choked out the last, “were returning from a mission when we were struck by an unseen ship and crash landed on a planet, there were two young crewmembers killed on impact then these cloaked aliens beamed down and vaporized them - they were just kids, dammit!” He had yet to really cry for the younger crewmembers he struggled not to let the tears loose now or he may never stop crying. It wasn’t like he hadn’t lost numerous patients and seen many dead Starfleet officers already, but he’d been laughing and talking with them just seconds before they were hit. He could still see the sudden change in their expressions from joy to fear. He could smell their scorched remains still in his nostrils.
“Then…then they took us on board their ship…we were never allowed to see their faces or skin - they were always cloaked and gloved with thick boots on…” Leonard found himself spilling the entire story out. The psychologist part of him knew that what he was doing was cathartic and in the long run would help him a great deal, though it wasn’t a cureall. He was surprised at how easily the words came - how he’d been tortured first, how Kirk and Spock had been tortured and the need to stay warm… The second torture came slightly harder to tell, but he pushed forward, leaving out some details, but sometime during his speech Spock had put one of his hands in his and Leonard knew with their bond he likely saw whatever he didn’t reveal. It was better this way - no secrets between them. To think - he’d been terrified of telling anyone - and especially his T’hyla - and now…now finally someone knew everything - someone he trusted completely and when he finally ran out of words his throat hitched on a sob and he realized tears had been running down his face for awhile now. He waited for Spock to speak, but his lover instead simply picked up the hand he was holding and kissed it, then brushed back his sweaty bangs from his forehead.
“Sleep,” he finally said, softly. “I will watch over you.”
He felt safe for the first time since he’d been captured. He was safe - his T’hyla had heard it all and seemed to be able to handle it - of course he could, whyever had he doubted it? Leonard felt his eyes close, his lids too heavy to stay open any longer. One final thought went through his head before sleep claimed him - he was free and he would heal now.
***
Spock held the exhausted human in his arms without moving for 7.3 hours before McCoy murmured something unintelligible and turned over and away from him. He knew that the Vulcan body temperature had likely overheated him as he noted a light sweat on his lover’s brow and he withdrew from the bed to allow his lover a little more time to rest. He swiftly moved to the computer in the room and began his research. He had some clues as to the true nature of the aliens that had captured and tortured the Enterprise crewmen and he wanted to look into the matter himself. He easily hacked his way through the (to him) antiquated systems he needed and discovered his conjectures were correct. He then debated for several minutes on if and how he should relate this knowledge to Starfleet. A part of him, the long suppressed warrior side of his race wanted to take revenge himself, but the logical, peaceful part of him was far stronger and from what Leonard had revealed, the ringleader of the incident was likely dead anyway. Deep inside there was a voice that still called for revenge for his T’hyla, but he silenced it and tried again to focus on whether or not he should reveal the information he knew to Starfleet. He could not reveal how he knew of the incident, it was classified, also he did not want to alter events in this universe too much. At the moment the Federation had only a passing knowledge of the Cardassian people who were still too far away from their system to be in contact with them much.
He thought of all the information he could give them on what he knew of the species, their history, their philosophies, their probable intentions if were still heading in the direction they’d taken in his own universe. But in the end, he knew he could not interfere with this Universe anymore than he already had. He then turned away from the Cardassian element of the situation and recalled the part this Universe’s Spock had played in the rape of his lover. That, too, engendered a feeling of rage and irrational anger, but he quickly dismissed the feelings as he knew as well as McCoy himself knew - they had been drugged and unable to resist their captors’ sadistic plans. From what little he had gotten from McCoy’s drugged memories he knew that his counterpart had resisted the drugs as much as he could and that the rape could have been far worse than it had been. He was also grateful that McCoy had managed to keep Spock from melding with him during the rape itself - it would have most likely caused more serious mental and telepathic damage. A new forced bond between them, or perhaps even sparking an artificial Pon Farr, there were several possibilities, all disconcerting and thankfully avoided.
Yet Spock knew that this new development had hurt the necessary bond between the three men even more than Nero’s influence had done. Could Leonard return to the ship and form a friendship with this universe’s Spock now? Would his counterpart be able to handle this situation? He had seen the possessive angry side Spock had let slip during his drugged state. He resented the bond between Leonard and himself. Spock could not fully blame him - he had interfered with the timeline despite his best intentions. But then again, this Universe’s Spock was not him - and he had to remind himself of that - he had already had a relationship with Uhura, something that had never occurred in his own time, he had no way of knowing what new bond this Spock would make or if he would at all. He might choose to purge himself of all emotions as Spock had considered once himself. Already there was some discussion on New Vulcan of a few new disciples to the old rite.
Leonard groaned softly from the bed and Spock abandoned his useless ruminations to check on him. His lover’s face was tense and a frown was forming on his lips as his hands gripped and twisted the sheets - a nightmare. Spock brushed his hand against Leonard’s cheek and sensing the fear and panic growing in his mind, he gently soothed it away replacing it with peace and a sense of calm. Leonard’s face slowly relaxed and his hands stopped twisting the sheets. Spock eased him into a more comfortable position and smoothed the sheets over him. He should focus on what he could do right now and that was taking care of his T’hyla. All else must wait, the future was as uncertain as it always was - what would happen was not in his control and he must remember that.
Turning to the room’s replicator he studied the menu and planned a nutritious and hearty meal for his lover when he woke.
***
Fin