~*~I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry~*~
Hey, how's it going ? good.. good, wish i could say the same. This is going to be one of thoes really pointless entrys, where all I do is complain. So turn back now because I have to write how im feeling, read it or not. I don't think I've ever been so sad. I guess its kind of hard to understand and express over a computer. The only people who know are my mom, sis, and ty i guess... cause they are here. Ive been in my room allday. I left to go to sallys. that was it. I slept. i slept alot. because, its better being asleep, then being in the reality. My reality sucks. It's literally the last straw now. For about 2 years I didn't know what happiness was, until October 10th this year... and I guess I've never really felt pain this year, until May 16th. Today that is. Life is funny you know ? It's hard to find mistakes in yourself..but when you do..its too late to fix them. Well I'm still fixing mine. For myself. Because I really can't stand myself anymore. I have nobody anymore. Nobody to reassure me of anything. Now i know nobody loves me. its sad that I can honestly say that. I dont know, i guess i didnt think i would say it ever again. My trip to florida is going to suck. I'm going to get away, which is good, but i am going to take all my worries with me. I hate this I hate this I hate this. NEVER tell someone you love them if you dont know what love is. Because it leaves them hurt. I put myself through hell, i really do. Like, its like a song. You hate the song so much, but you sing it, and listen to it, and sing it and listen to it over and over and over again until its in your head. Or like, swimming in your mistakes. Now they soak into your skin, you see them now leaking into your eyes, you feel it leaking into your pores, you taste it in your mouth, and even worse... you swallow all of it. Because all of its true, and u havent realized it until now, the absolute WORST time to. I'd rather be stabbed in the heart 100times, then feel the way im feeling right now. Its nobodys fault. only mine. i guess I assumed. I shouldnt listen to what people tell me, because guess what.. ? People lie. and that leaves you with nothing. nothing at all. nobody to tell you your beautiful when you feel ugly, nobody to hug when your scared, nobody to cry on when your sad.....nobody. The closest thing I have to that is my pillow. which does not help me much. I dont know what I'm saying. i do but I dont. I want to be nice, I want to be happy, I want to be with the only person i've ever really truly loved..John. I tried so hard. like the past day or two, ive just started my new ways, and i tried to fit in as much perfection, and good as i could. I did. I really did. and nothing is ever good enough. But you can't force someone to be with you. Even though, sometimes i feel like id rather be doing that, then feeling the way I do right now. i guess, im not pretty enough, skinny enough, nice enough, or anything. But even so, I really don't deserve doing this to myself. i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. but that will never happen. Now that I'm alone, I have nobody to help me understand anything. Like even the little things, just hanging out watching a movie. holding my hand at lunch, hugging me in the morning. Knowing thats what I am going to school for, knowing thats why it makes everything okay. thats why everything is okay. thats why everything was okay. "do you understand the feeling you give ? the flutter, the love, the reason i live.." Does anyone remember that ? because i know I do.. And if only you knew how much it hurts to know that, they dont want you. It's the worst feeling ever. Knowing they cant be with you, or knowing they dont want you. It's enough to make a girl cry . So that's what I'll do, I'll cry my heart til death.
http://images.quizilla.com/V/Vincentsdream/1074560009_turesalone.jpg" border="0" alt="Alone">
Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)
http://quizilla.com/users/Vincentsdream/quizzes/What%20Emotion%20Dominates%20you%3F%20/"> What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by quizillahttp://quizilla.com">Quizilla>