Me, a while ago.
I was happy at sixteen years. I was so enlightened. I was a true Buddhist and a Taoist, I was modest, I didn't talk much but when I did, people liked what I had to say. Now I'm completely washed up, mostly because I don't have anything to say. I just bitch and moan. Maybe this sounds really emo, or....whatever you have to call it....but I miss myself. I really, really, really miss myself.
I miss walking down my high school halls and thinking how beautiful of a day it is in and out of the halls of the school. I used to marvel at how awesome the people around me were. I had so many friends...so many people that cared about me. Now I've forsaken my friends and I feel so, so lonely.
I'm a sad panda. Every day now. I'm back to where I was after I had my big crash. This time, though, I have more medications. Five now, to be exact:
Depakote: Mood stabilizer, and it knocks me out.
Klonopin: Originally prescribed for anxiety, then was told to take it at night to knock me out, now I'm addicted to it and I can't go off of it.
Geodon: Originally prescribed to knock me out and get rid of my mania.
Lunesta: Relieves my anxiety and knocks me out (it is a sleeping pill after all). However, I've grown a dependency for it and it doesn't do anything but cost me $5 every month and who knows what kind of chemical doings in my brain.
Cymbalta: I'm on a dose and a half every day, and I feel really sad. I was feeling quite good on it, but now I just feel terrible...like it's not sinking in or something...I feel almost as if I'm withdrawaling from it, but I'm taking more than ever.
5 medications and I'm still having trouble sleeping at night and being sane/not depressed throughout the day.
Last week I lost my will to live. I only really stay alive for the people around me, but if it weren't for them, I wouldn't mind just slinking away and being forgotten.
Or being heard. Having something to say....God I miss that.
I miss walking down my high school halls and thinking how beautiful of a day it is in and out of the halls of the school. I used to marvel at how awesome the people around me were. I had so many friends...so many people that cared about me. Now I've forsaken my friends and I feel so, so lonely.
I'm a sad panda. Every day now. I'm back to where I was after I had my big crash. This time, though, I have more medications. Five now, to be exact:
Depakote: Mood stabilizer, and it knocks me out.
Klonopin: Originally prescribed for anxiety, then was told to take it at night to knock me out, now I'm addicted to it and I can't go off of it.
Geodon: Originally prescribed to knock me out and get rid of my mania.
Lunesta: Relieves my anxiety and knocks me out (it is a sleeping pill after all). However, I've grown a dependency for it and it doesn't do anything but cost me $5 every month and who knows what kind of chemical doings in my brain.
Cymbalta: I'm on a dose and a half every day, and I feel really sad. I was feeling quite good on it, but now I just feel terrible...like it's not sinking in or something...I feel almost as if I'm withdrawaling from it, but I'm taking more than ever.
5 medications and I'm still having trouble sleeping at night and being sane/not depressed throughout the day.
Last week I lost my will to live. I only really stay alive for the people around me, but if it weren't for them, I wouldn't mind just slinking away and being forgotten.
Or being heard. Having something to say....God I miss that.