City on the River
Title: City on the River 15/?
Author: Alsike
Fandom: Criminal Minds/X-Men
Pairing: Emily Prentiss... eventually Emma Frost
Rating: PG-15
Summary: When one person travels into an alternate universe a thousand others are created. What if Didi showed up without a time slip on Emily's doorstep, in a world without mutants? What would a twenty-five year old Emily do?
Apologies: Clearly, the only thing that really inspires me to write, is having a horrible paper due, and not wanting to work on it! (It's actually not going too badly, but I need to actually read a bunch of articles, and I DON'T WANT TO.) So I worked on City on the River instead! I love it. And I love angst.
An extra long chapter! With a complete story arc within it! Oh, and random OC Katie, just picture Jordan and you'll get the general idea, I believe.
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Jillian's mom waved surreptitiously as she passed Emma, crunching through the thin layer of snow, towards the group of other mothers. Emma leaned back against the wall with her book, ignoring them. They didn't always ignore her, but that didn't mean they ever invited her into their conversation. Sometimes she was their conversation. Emma could always tell, the quick glances, mouths covered, lowered voices. They loved talking about her. Mrs. K tried to calm it down, but even if they weren't horrified by her, they still kept her outside, and didn't treat her like a person. Basically they treated her like a babysitter, except they talked about her. Babysitters just didn't exist.
"Angela wants a playdate with Didi on Friday, is that okay?" That was all they would say to her, but you wouldn't say it to a babysitter.
Emma would shrug and nod in response, or wait until Didi came out and ask her, privately. Didi was never shy about expressing disinterest.
Sometimes while standing there, pretending to read, and waiting for Didi, she would tell herself that this was just a role. She was an actress, a spy. It wasn't her they rejected and gossiped about. It was a character she was playing.
Sometimes she tried to imagine who that person she was playing was. Four years ago she had been in school, nineteen, a sophomore. What kind of college sophomore decided to have a baby with her girlfriend? It was idiotic. What sort of Happy Families game was her double playing? But maybe the character she was playing hadn't been the type to go to college. It was hard to imagine, but if she hadn't grown up where she did, but still with her father, maybe she would have dropped out of school at sixteen, and left for the city, getting a job. Maybe she had met Emily waiting tables in New Haven, cleaning up around a stressed out college student translating Arabic and drinking coffee until closing.
Emma had found Emily's diploma while moving boxes to the attic and cringed at the date on it. She had been one of those irritating genius kids, working way too fast while normal people took their time. That would work in her favor here though. Emily was always uncomfortable, wherever she was, and she might have liked someone who wasn't like all the irritating Ivy League brats surrounding her. What made Emma interested in her... Emma sighed at the question, maybe it was the Ambassador's daughter thing. Old money was sexy, right? (Maybe she would have just liked her, liked being treated like a person rather than a piece of furniture, but Emma didn't want to think about that.)
She would have had to meet her while still in college, because then the story could take its time, and deciding to have a kid together wouldn't just come out of the blue. Emily should have just gone with the sister-in-law story. Even if she wasn't the type to get married, no one would be surprised if she said she had just got knocked up. No one here knew about Christian's tendencies. But now they assumed that Emma was the one with tendencies, and apparently had bullied her girlfriend in having a kid together. But it was after Emily had finished school, so she had to have followed her to New York. What would the good Ambassador have thought of that? That thought made Emma chuckle to herself. It was sort of Emily though, picking up a waitress and bringing her home. It was better than a stripper, she supposed. Maybe they had gotten married in some nauseatingly cute ceremony, and because they were both so enamored of children... god, just imagining this shit made her want to vomit.
Emma looked over at the mothers, winter tans, in fashionable snow boots and ski parkas. They'd call themselves middle class without knowing that it shouldn't mean vacations in France and Chateaus in the Alps. Her mother had been the same way, until she overdosed on sleeping pills and vodka.
At first they had assumed she was just a babysitter, and that had been fine with her. Their gossip had been about the new child and how they had never seen her parents, just the sullen, excessively blonde, excessively attractive babysitter. Emma had thought about Didi's real parents then. Had they brought her to school? Had she even gone? Probably not. Didi had understood the idea of school as learning things, but when told that she was going to be with other children, she had been confused. "What other children?"
Some of the parents had smiled when Didi had rushed to her and commanded to be spun, or carried, and she had acquiesced. One or two had inquired how often she looked after Didi, and whether she had Saturdays free. "No," she had said, "I don't," and gave them the 'no babysitter poaching' look.
The teachers came to ask about Didi's sometimes imperious behavior, but Emma had been imperious enough in response to suggest that they weren't going to train it out of her. They had given her notes to sign, and she had signed them Emma Frost-Prentiss. The hyphenation was best, if just to keep people from asking too many questions, but still, signing that day after day... she felt as if she didn't really know who she was anymore.
It was Emily's request to screen the parents of the children that Didi was playing with that had blown her cover. That was when the parents had started talking about her more interestedly. She wasn't a babysitter anymore, she was just too young to be a respectable parent, too young, too casual, and they loved to gossip. When the playdates started, she had had to lie lie lie. She wanted to know about them, but they really wanted to know about her. She evaded everything she could, husband, job, education, and she had still made them trust her. Then she had wrangled that playdate and Emily had totally fucked it up.
She liked Mrs. K, and clearly she hadn't intended anything mean by spreading it around, just the, have you met Didi's other parent? She's a very nice young woman, an FBI Agent too! It just shows you how the government is becoming more modern these days. And now they never shut up about her. She could deal with it though. It was temporary. This whole weird impossible imaginary life was only temporary.
* * *
Spring came and was heralded by the first sign of spring, not the proverbial robin, but the FBI Family Picnic. Emily had forgotten about it until the new supervising administrative assistant at her office had leaned over her desk and dropped a flier on it. "Are you coming, Agent Prentiss?"
Emily glanced up at her and smiled. It was nice to have someone who was newer than she was and didn't treat her like a pariah.
"Maybe, I have to see if I'm in charge of Didi that day."
"That's your daughter isn't it? You'll bring her, right?"
Emily hadn't considered that. "Oh, I guess I could."
"It is called the Family picnic, Agent Prentiss."
Emily flushed. "You can call me Emily, you know. I always thought the protocol was strange, where I was required to call you Katie, and you call me Agent."
"You think it should be different?" Katie inquired.
"Well, in my mother's office, she was Ambassador Prentiss, but her underlings were 'Mr. Jensen' and 'Ms. Takahashi.'"
"I see, very formal."
"It seemed to work all right," Emily shrugged and looked away, embarrassed at sharing so much.
"Well, I hope you do come, and bring Didi. I'd love to meet her."
Emily hadn't exactly expected that someone would be interested in actually meeting Didi, and it was a surprise when her boss seconded the opinion. "Bring your spawn, Prentiss! No more surprises like in December!" So she brought the flier home.
* * *
"You should come too."
"Are you sure?" Emma eyed the page suspiciously. "Being around that many members of law enforcement might give me a rash."
Emily laughed. "You hang out with Benji and me, without contracting dermatitis."
Emma rolled her eyes. "You just want me to hang around so I can take Didi home if she gets bored."
"I might be the first one to get bored. I see them every day!"
It was a lovely day for it though. Didi was suspicious about a picnic without a basket, but she perked up when they got within distance to smell the barbecue. Emma on the other hand walked slower and slower. They reached the gate of the park, and Emma put her hand on Emily's arm. "Wait, who am I-"
But Katie saw her at just that moment. "Emily! You came!" Emily flashed an apologetic look at Emma and headed into the park.
Didi decided that she wanted both a hamburger and a hot dog, both carefully arranged, and including beans, and Emily just submitted to eating what was left over. Emma disappeared with her food heading off towards a tree, but before Emily could follow her, Katie came up, and Didi had found a spot at a picnic table.
Katie glanced at the retreating Emma. "Oh, you have an Au Pair?"
"Not... exactly."
"She's not your..." Katie gave her a sidelong glance. "girlfriend, is she?"
Emily's eyes widened. She hadn't expected to be asked that, not at work. "No," she said, maybe a little more vehemently than she had expected. "No, she's not."
Katie smiled disarmingly. "I didn't think so."
Emily wasn't entirely sure how to interpret that. But Katie had turned to the small child, who was consideringly tasting the items on her plate, generally with disapproval. "And this is Didi? She looks so much like you!"
Emily had always thought that she looked more like Emma, at least she always looked at her in that same way that Emma had, a little distrustful, but mostly like she was being stupid, again.
"She's very cute." Katie leaned closer to Didi who was masticating her hamburger. "And how are you, darling?"
Didi turned towards her, still chewing, and then swallowed, leisurely. Her gaze was utterly flat. "What rank are you?"
Katie blinked and glanced nervously at Emily, an odd expression on her face. Emily shrugged, helplessly. "I'm not an FBI Agent."
Didi's expression just got darker. "You're a slave then?"
Katie gaped. "I'm a supervisor!"
Didi was unimpressed. "M'ma is a duchess."
"Oh," Katie laughed, utterly bewildered. Emily just tried to go somewhere else mentally. "That's very impressive."
"She has people put to death."
"Um, Didi." Emily picked her up and put her on the grass. "Have you finished eating?" Didi nodded. "Why don't you go play with Emma now?"
Didi frowned, but acquiesced. She gave another suspicious glance at Katie before she left though. "She doesn't like it when other people touch what's hers."
"She's a very... interesting child."
Emily sighed. "I know."
"What is your Au Pair telling her?"
"I don't think this is her fault. Didi has her own... special way of thinking about things." Emily laughed a little to herself. "It's lucky she didn't make me bring Emma her food. She won't ever let me start eating before her."
Katie laughed, but not enthusiastically. "Well, I know a lot about her now. How about you tell me something about yourself?"
"Oh," Emily looked at her, puzzled. She had thought she had come to talk to her because she liked kids. "I'm not that interesting."
"I'm sure you are."
Didi arrived in Emma's vicinity. Emma was sitting, leaning against a tree, her eyes closed, trying to ignore the floating groups of FBI agents. "I don't like her. She's a spy. Have her killed."
"Who?" Emma glanced over, tiredly. "Oh, her?" Emily's cheeks were bright red and she was looking down, trying to talk while blushing. Emma's face went still. "I'll get right on that."
* * *
Katie called a few days later and asked if Emily was interested in going to a concert. "It's a little late for Deirdre, I think," she said with a laugh. "But if you wanted to go..."
"You interested?" Emily mouthed to Emma, who scowled.
"I have shit to do."
"I guess Benji might be free to watch Didi."
Unexpectedly, Emma flinched.
"Yeah, sure, Katie. It sounds like fun." Emily said, only half listening, rather worried about why Emma was acting so oddly. It was fun, and Katie invited her to something else. It was nice to have a friend at work, and they had a little more in common than she did with Benji, so at least they always had things to talk about. Even after the disastrous first interview with Didi, Katie always brought her gifts when she visited, though it never really improved Didi's behavior.
Emily hadn't ever been very forthcoming about what it had been like, growing up as an ambassador's child. She told Emma the bad things, but when they stopped talking about work, she didn't want to start off complaining about her miserable life, and Katie was very interested in traveling, so she did her best to pull out the more exciting or historically important places she had been. There had been quite a few. Sometimes, as she was speaking, she would wonder why she hadn't told Emma about this yet. Katie was interested and always nodded and smiled enthusiastically, but Emily couldn't really share the funny parts with her, where she had done something so mortifying that it had taken her years to get over it. Katie would be surprised and maybe shocked. Emma would laugh and tell her that it was just like her and she hadn't changed at all.
But whenever she did get home it would always be too late to tell her. Emma's light would go out right when she stepped out onto the sidewalk, and even if it had been a great night with good food and an awesome band, seeing that light flicker out always made her sad. She had paused once, hand on the car door, when she saw it go out, and Katie had touched her leg to get her attention.
"You could come back to my place for a little bit."
"No," Emily had said, hardly thinking about it. "If Emma's going to sleep it must be pretty late." And she had slipped out.
It hadn't been that late that night, only a quarter past twelve, but a week later it was late. Katie and some others from work had gone out for drinks, and Emily had actually been invited by them generally, not Katie specifically, which was a surprise. She had spent a long time talking to one of the field agents about his career path and future life choices, which had been very intense. A smaller group of them had gone out to dinner, and Emily had been dragged along, not remembering to call home first. There had been more drinks with dinner, and then a movement to head out to a club, as it was Friday night, and just because they were all working stiffs didn't mean they couldn't have fun.
It was important to be social, Emily's mother had hammered into her daughter, who was occasionally too shy, and perhaps this had been the problem in the first place. Maybe she wouldn't have been so ostracized at work if she had just hung out with them in the off hours occasionally. So she went along with it.
This time it was a quarter of four when the taxi pulled up outside the house, and the light in the living room was on, shining like a warning through the curtains. Emily was hurrying to try to extricate herself from the car.
"You're always rushing home," Katie whined. "You have a live-in babysitter. Just relax." And she looped her arms around Emily's neck and went to kiss her. But Emily wasn't paying attention. She was just trying to get the door open. She turned her head at the wrong moment, and Katie's lips pressed against her cheek. The latch popped free and she half fell out, nearly dragging Katie out with her.
"Sorry." Emily extricated herself, and rummaged for her wallet. "I really have to go." She couldn't think of anything but the living room light being on and what it might mean.
Katie rolled her eyes and her friends dragged her back into the cab. The door shut, and the cab pulled away, but Emily didn't see it go, she was already fumbling for her keys at the door.
"Emma? Emma! Is everything all right?"
There wasn't a response, and Emily slipped into the living room. Emma was asleep on the sofa, under a blanket, the light shining right on her face, and a book, open faced, its pages crumpled under it, on the floor. Emily moved over to her and knelt down beside the couch. She picked up the book, setting it right, and brushed some hair out of Emma's face. She wished she didn't smell like smoke and liquor. Emma blinked, once or twice before her eyes focused, sharp and blue as always.
"Oh, you're back."
"What are you doing down here? I was sure you'd be asleep by now."
Emma shrugged. "Insomnia." She moved to sit up. "I wanted a harder surface."
Emily stared at her, unable to believe such a blatant lie. "Are you sure it wasn't jeans-induced insomnia?"
Emma glanced at her sharply and then looked down at herself. She was still dressed. Her shoulders sank slightly. "I must have fallen asleep while reading."
That was plausible, except... "Why'd you say it was insomnia then?"
Apparently that was the last straw. Emma whirled on her. "Why didn't you call? I don't fucking care where you go with that whore, but at least call so I know what lies I'm supposed to tell Didi!"
Emily gaped at the anger. "I- I'm sorry. I forgot. I was trying to be social."
"Is that what you call it?"
"I'm sorry," Emily tried again. "But I don't know what you're so angry about. You didn't have to wait up for me."
"I wasn't waiting up for you!" Emma spat. "I was waiting up for you to ask me to leave."
"Leave?"
"Should I leave? Are you going to move in with that woman you're fucking!"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"If she wants you bad enough to make nice with your brat, you obviously don't need me anymore!"
"Wait. You mean Katie? You think I'm with Katie?"
"It's obvious, Emily! She's not subtle! She's always calling you and taking you places and giving Deirdre stupid garbage to try and win her over." Not that it was working. Didi was very sensitive to ulterior motives.
"You really think she's interested in me?"
"Oh my god, Emily! You can't be that obtuse!" Emily looked helpless. "Oh," Emma groaned. "I forgot, you can." She dropped on the sofa and put her head in her hands. Emily stood awkwardly, needing to do something, to fix this, but completely unable to think of what. "They sent her to you, you know. The note is to you. If you don't need me anymore, you can just get rid of me."
"I'm not going to get rid of you!" Emily was panicking inside. She wasn't trying to leave, was she? This couldn't be her trying to leave!
"Maybe you're not with that woman." Emma glanced away. "But what if you do get a girlfriend? They're always going to be jealous and uncomfortable with me here. You shouldn't have to make decisions based on making the freeloader living in your house's life easier."
"You're not a -"
"I don't want your pity! I know what I am! And I don't want you to take care of me because you're too masochistic to just tell me to go!"
"I don't want you to go! Didi would kill me if I sent you away!" This wasn't about Emma wanting to leave, that was clear now. This was about the same thing it had always been about, that Emma hated being saved and would shoot herself in the foot rather than let someone else take the rattler out of her boot.
"This isn't about her! It is about you and me and your inability to just take what you want! I don't need to be the one to screw you up any more than you are already!"
"I want you here! I can't do this alone, and I'm not... not good with people. I feel safe with you. I'm not going to risk that, not for sex, not for some imaginary future that I will never make work, not for anything. Emma..." If you want to stay forever, she wanted to say, stay just like this, and I'd never need anything else to be happy. This was already so much more than she ever even let herself want, and Emma thought she would give it up for something normal? But she couldn't find the words to say it.
"You feel safe with me?"
Emily flushed. Emma sighed.
"I don't feel safe with you. You're too... you're too good for me. And then you tell her that I'm just your babysitter, and I hate you, because that's all I am, and I can't rely on this."
"I didn't know what I was supposed to say." Emma looked hurt, and Emily floundered for some way to be forgiven. "I work with her. I don't need to have everyone know I'm insane."
"What is your idiotic compulsion to tell the truth all the time?! You tell as much of the truth as you can get away with, and let people assume what they will. I see those mothers every day! You didn't think twice before implying that I was your slut!"
"I didn't say that!"
"You let them think it! You let them think whatever they want about me! You told that asshole in the park that I was your wife. But at work I'm just your babysitter?"
"What do you want me to say? You're my sister-in-law? My girlfriend? My Au Pair? The stripper I picked up in New York on a whim? One of those is true and it's not the one you want splashed around the Twin Cities!"
Emma's glare was like a slap. "How about the woman you have a child with? Or is that too difficult to explain away? Will people just assume that I'm more important to you than you want me to be?"
Emily stared at her, desperate and angry and guilty, all at the same time. And then she finally gave up. She stepped in, wrapping her arms around Emma's chest. Emma yelped, and stood as stiff and straight as a toothpick. But Emily held on tightly, and kept her clasped to her even as Emma struggled to get away.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't need you. I know I never do anything but make things more difficult. But having you here is so important to me. Nothing... nothing is worth screwing this up."
"Why should I believe you?" Emma mumbled, relaxing slightly, but not all the way.
"Well, I do have that irritating compulsion to tell the truth all the time."
Emma laughed and curled into her, putting her arms around her waist. "You can be such a jerk some of the time."
"Just tell me how I can make it better. I don't want you to think you have to face everything alone." There was one thing that Emily wouldn't say. It was a sacrifice, offering to leave if Emily found something better, whether it was for the right reasons or not. But Emily couldn't make the reverse promise. There were too many ways for Emma to find something better, easier, less inevitably painful than this, and if she did, Emily couldn't make herself promise to let go.
* * *
"Do you remember when I told you that Emma wasn't my Au Pair?"
Katie blinked. "Um, not exactly, but I'll take your word for it."
"Well, she's not. She's..." Emily bit her lip. She hadn't really decided how she was going to say this. She shifted her weight. "I really like hanging out with you, and I don't mean that we shouldn't..."
"What are you saying?" Katie stared at her, her gaze intent. "You said she wasn't your girlfriend. She isn't, right?"
"Well..."
"She is?" Katie's mouth slowly opened in shock. "You're with her? You live with her and you have a daughter with her! You lied to me? You were double timing both of us!"
"Double timing? I was just going out with you as friends!"
"That's bullshit, Prentiss! We were dating for weeks! I hope she kicks your ass out! I never thought you could be such a... such a vicious person!"
Katie stormed out. Emily gaped at her departing figure. She really hadn't thought that it could possibly go that badly. She had explained that Emma wasn't just her babysitter, at least, even if she hadn't managed to clarify the situation at all. She was just sure that now the whole secretarial pool would call her a cheater and a slut for the next six months, and she would never get anything done without doing it herself.
* * *
"Well, she kicked me to the curb," Emily informed her housemate, who was tidying the kitchen. "Apparently we were dating, and I just hadn't noticed."
Emma snorted.
"And when I said that you weren't my babysitter, she decided that I had been having my cake and eating it too, and I'm pretty sure she's never going to give me the time of day again."
Emma turned away, but there was something about the set of her shoulders that said she was smiling. "Good," she said, and that was all.
* * *
Part 16
Author: Alsike
Fandom: Criminal Minds/X-Men
Pairing: Emily Prentiss... eventually Emma Frost
Rating: PG-15
Summary: When one person travels into an alternate universe a thousand others are created. What if Didi showed up without a time slip on Emily's doorstep, in a world without mutants? What would a twenty-five year old Emily do?
Apologies: Clearly, the only thing that really inspires me to write, is having a horrible paper due, and not wanting to work on it! (It's actually not going too badly, but I need to actually read a bunch of articles, and I DON'T WANT TO.) So I worked on City on the River instead! I love it. And I love angst.
An extra long chapter! With a complete story arc within it! Oh, and random OC Katie, just picture Jordan and you'll get the general idea, I believe.
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Jillian's mom waved surreptitiously as she passed Emma, crunching through the thin layer of snow, towards the group of other mothers. Emma leaned back against the wall with her book, ignoring them. They didn't always ignore her, but that didn't mean they ever invited her into their conversation. Sometimes she was their conversation. Emma could always tell, the quick glances, mouths covered, lowered voices. They loved talking about her. Mrs. K tried to calm it down, but even if they weren't horrified by her, they still kept her outside, and didn't treat her like a person. Basically they treated her like a babysitter, except they talked about her. Babysitters just didn't exist.
"Angela wants a playdate with Didi on Friday, is that okay?" That was all they would say to her, but you wouldn't say it to a babysitter.
Emma would shrug and nod in response, or wait until Didi came out and ask her, privately. Didi was never shy about expressing disinterest.
Sometimes while standing there, pretending to read, and waiting for Didi, she would tell herself that this was just a role. She was an actress, a spy. It wasn't her they rejected and gossiped about. It was a character she was playing.
Sometimes she tried to imagine who that person she was playing was. Four years ago she had been in school, nineteen, a sophomore. What kind of college sophomore decided to have a baby with her girlfriend? It was idiotic. What sort of Happy Families game was her double playing? But maybe the character she was playing hadn't been the type to go to college. It was hard to imagine, but if she hadn't grown up where she did, but still with her father, maybe she would have dropped out of school at sixteen, and left for the city, getting a job. Maybe she had met Emily waiting tables in New Haven, cleaning up around a stressed out college student translating Arabic and drinking coffee until closing.
Emma had found Emily's diploma while moving boxes to the attic and cringed at the date on it. She had been one of those irritating genius kids, working way too fast while normal people took their time. That would work in her favor here though. Emily was always uncomfortable, wherever she was, and she might have liked someone who wasn't like all the irritating Ivy League brats surrounding her. What made Emma interested in her... Emma sighed at the question, maybe it was the Ambassador's daughter thing. Old money was sexy, right? (Maybe she would have just liked her, liked being treated like a person rather than a piece of furniture, but Emma didn't want to think about that.)
She would have had to meet her while still in college, because then the story could take its time, and deciding to have a kid together wouldn't just come out of the blue. Emily should have just gone with the sister-in-law story. Even if she wasn't the type to get married, no one would be surprised if she said she had just got knocked up. No one here knew about Christian's tendencies. But now they assumed that Emma was the one with tendencies, and apparently had bullied her girlfriend in having a kid together. But it was after Emily had finished school, so she had to have followed her to New York. What would the good Ambassador have thought of that? That thought made Emma chuckle to herself. It was sort of Emily though, picking up a waitress and bringing her home. It was better than a stripper, she supposed. Maybe they had gotten married in some nauseatingly cute ceremony, and because they were both so enamored of children... god, just imagining this shit made her want to vomit.
Emma looked over at the mothers, winter tans, in fashionable snow boots and ski parkas. They'd call themselves middle class without knowing that it shouldn't mean vacations in France and Chateaus in the Alps. Her mother had been the same way, until she overdosed on sleeping pills and vodka.
At first they had assumed she was just a babysitter, and that had been fine with her. Their gossip had been about the new child and how they had never seen her parents, just the sullen, excessively blonde, excessively attractive babysitter. Emma had thought about Didi's real parents then. Had they brought her to school? Had she even gone? Probably not. Didi had understood the idea of school as learning things, but when told that she was going to be with other children, she had been confused. "What other children?"
Some of the parents had smiled when Didi had rushed to her and commanded to be spun, or carried, and she had acquiesced. One or two had inquired how often she looked after Didi, and whether she had Saturdays free. "No," she had said, "I don't," and gave them the 'no babysitter poaching' look.
The teachers came to ask about Didi's sometimes imperious behavior, but Emma had been imperious enough in response to suggest that they weren't going to train it out of her. They had given her notes to sign, and she had signed them Emma Frost-Prentiss. The hyphenation was best, if just to keep people from asking too many questions, but still, signing that day after day... she felt as if she didn't really know who she was anymore.
It was Emily's request to screen the parents of the children that Didi was playing with that had blown her cover. That was when the parents had started talking about her more interestedly. She wasn't a babysitter anymore, she was just too young to be a respectable parent, too young, too casual, and they loved to gossip. When the playdates started, she had had to lie lie lie. She wanted to know about them, but they really wanted to know about her. She evaded everything she could, husband, job, education, and she had still made them trust her. Then she had wrangled that playdate and Emily had totally fucked it up.
She liked Mrs. K, and clearly she hadn't intended anything mean by spreading it around, just the, have you met Didi's other parent? She's a very nice young woman, an FBI Agent too! It just shows you how the government is becoming more modern these days. And now they never shut up about her. She could deal with it though. It was temporary. This whole weird impossible imaginary life was only temporary.
* * *
Spring came and was heralded by the first sign of spring, not the proverbial robin, but the FBI Family Picnic. Emily had forgotten about it until the new supervising administrative assistant at her office had leaned over her desk and dropped a flier on it. "Are you coming, Agent Prentiss?"
Emily glanced up at her and smiled. It was nice to have someone who was newer than she was and didn't treat her like a pariah.
"Maybe, I have to see if I'm in charge of Didi that day."
"That's your daughter isn't it? You'll bring her, right?"
Emily hadn't considered that. "Oh, I guess I could."
"It is called the Family picnic, Agent Prentiss."
Emily flushed. "You can call me Emily, you know. I always thought the protocol was strange, where I was required to call you Katie, and you call me Agent."
"You think it should be different?" Katie inquired.
"Well, in my mother's office, she was Ambassador Prentiss, but her underlings were 'Mr. Jensen' and 'Ms. Takahashi.'"
"I see, very formal."
"It seemed to work all right," Emily shrugged and looked away, embarrassed at sharing so much.
"Well, I hope you do come, and bring Didi. I'd love to meet her."
Emily hadn't exactly expected that someone would be interested in actually meeting Didi, and it was a surprise when her boss seconded the opinion. "Bring your spawn, Prentiss! No more surprises like in December!" So she brought the flier home.
* * *
"You should come too."
"Are you sure?" Emma eyed the page suspiciously. "Being around that many members of law enforcement might give me a rash."
Emily laughed. "You hang out with Benji and me, without contracting dermatitis."
Emma rolled her eyes. "You just want me to hang around so I can take Didi home if she gets bored."
"I might be the first one to get bored. I see them every day!"
It was a lovely day for it though. Didi was suspicious about a picnic without a basket, but she perked up when they got within distance to smell the barbecue. Emma on the other hand walked slower and slower. They reached the gate of the park, and Emma put her hand on Emily's arm. "Wait, who am I-"
But Katie saw her at just that moment. "Emily! You came!" Emily flashed an apologetic look at Emma and headed into the park.
Didi decided that she wanted both a hamburger and a hot dog, both carefully arranged, and including beans, and Emily just submitted to eating what was left over. Emma disappeared with her food heading off towards a tree, but before Emily could follow her, Katie came up, and Didi had found a spot at a picnic table.
Katie glanced at the retreating Emma. "Oh, you have an Au Pair?"
"Not... exactly."
"She's not your..." Katie gave her a sidelong glance. "girlfriend, is she?"
Emily's eyes widened. She hadn't expected to be asked that, not at work. "No," she said, maybe a little more vehemently than she had expected. "No, she's not."
Katie smiled disarmingly. "I didn't think so."
Emily wasn't entirely sure how to interpret that. But Katie had turned to the small child, who was consideringly tasting the items on her plate, generally with disapproval. "And this is Didi? She looks so much like you!"
Emily had always thought that she looked more like Emma, at least she always looked at her in that same way that Emma had, a little distrustful, but mostly like she was being stupid, again.
"She's very cute." Katie leaned closer to Didi who was masticating her hamburger. "And how are you, darling?"
Didi turned towards her, still chewing, and then swallowed, leisurely. Her gaze was utterly flat. "What rank are you?"
Katie blinked and glanced nervously at Emily, an odd expression on her face. Emily shrugged, helplessly. "I'm not an FBI Agent."
Didi's expression just got darker. "You're a slave then?"
Katie gaped. "I'm a supervisor!"
Didi was unimpressed. "M'ma is a duchess."
"Oh," Katie laughed, utterly bewildered. Emily just tried to go somewhere else mentally. "That's very impressive."
"She has people put to death."
"Um, Didi." Emily picked her up and put her on the grass. "Have you finished eating?" Didi nodded. "Why don't you go play with Emma now?"
Didi frowned, but acquiesced. She gave another suspicious glance at Katie before she left though. "She doesn't like it when other people touch what's hers."
"She's a very... interesting child."
Emily sighed. "I know."
"What is your Au Pair telling her?"
"I don't think this is her fault. Didi has her own... special way of thinking about things." Emily laughed a little to herself. "It's lucky she didn't make me bring Emma her food. She won't ever let me start eating before her."
Katie laughed, but not enthusiastically. "Well, I know a lot about her now. How about you tell me something about yourself?"
"Oh," Emily looked at her, puzzled. She had thought she had come to talk to her because she liked kids. "I'm not that interesting."
"I'm sure you are."
Didi arrived in Emma's vicinity. Emma was sitting, leaning against a tree, her eyes closed, trying to ignore the floating groups of FBI agents. "I don't like her. She's a spy. Have her killed."
"Who?" Emma glanced over, tiredly. "Oh, her?" Emily's cheeks were bright red and she was looking down, trying to talk while blushing. Emma's face went still. "I'll get right on that."
* * *
Katie called a few days later and asked if Emily was interested in going to a concert. "It's a little late for Deirdre, I think," she said with a laugh. "But if you wanted to go..."
"You interested?" Emily mouthed to Emma, who scowled.
"I have shit to do."
"I guess Benji might be free to watch Didi."
Unexpectedly, Emma flinched.
"Yeah, sure, Katie. It sounds like fun." Emily said, only half listening, rather worried about why Emma was acting so oddly. It was fun, and Katie invited her to something else. It was nice to have a friend at work, and they had a little more in common than she did with Benji, so at least they always had things to talk about. Even after the disastrous first interview with Didi, Katie always brought her gifts when she visited, though it never really improved Didi's behavior.
Emily hadn't ever been very forthcoming about what it had been like, growing up as an ambassador's child. She told Emma the bad things, but when they stopped talking about work, she didn't want to start off complaining about her miserable life, and Katie was very interested in traveling, so she did her best to pull out the more exciting or historically important places she had been. There had been quite a few. Sometimes, as she was speaking, she would wonder why she hadn't told Emma about this yet. Katie was interested and always nodded and smiled enthusiastically, but Emily couldn't really share the funny parts with her, where she had done something so mortifying that it had taken her years to get over it. Katie would be surprised and maybe shocked. Emma would laugh and tell her that it was just like her and she hadn't changed at all.
But whenever she did get home it would always be too late to tell her. Emma's light would go out right when she stepped out onto the sidewalk, and even if it had been a great night with good food and an awesome band, seeing that light flicker out always made her sad. She had paused once, hand on the car door, when she saw it go out, and Katie had touched her leg to get her attention.
"You could come back to my place for a little bit."
"No," Emily had said, hardly thinking about it. "If Emma's going to sleep it must be pretty late." And she had slipped out.
It hadn't been that late that night, only a quarter past twelve, but a week later it was late. Katie and some others from work had gone out for drinks, and Emily had actually been invited by them generally, not Katie specifically, which was a surprise. She had spent a long time talking to one of the field agents about his career path and future life choices, which had been very intense. A smaller group of them had gone out to dinner, and Emily had been dragged along, not remembering to call home first. There had been more drinks with dinner, and then a movement to head out to a club, as it was Friday night, and just because they were all working stiffs didn't mean they couldn't have fun.
It was important to be social, Emily's mother had hammered into her daughter, who was occasionally too shy, and perhaps this had been the problem in the first place. Maybe she wouldn't have been so ostracized at work if she had just hung out with them in the off hours occasionally. So she went along with it.
This time it was a quarter of four when the taxi pulled up outside the house, and the light in the living room was on, shining like a warning through the curtains. Emily was hurrying to try to extricate herself from the car.
"You're always rushing home," Katie whined. "You have a live-in babysitter. Just relax." And she looped her arms around Emily's neck and went to kiss her. But Emily wasn't paying attention. She was just trying to get the door open. She turned her head at the wrong moment, and Katie's lips pressed against her cheek. The latch popped free and she half fell out, nearly dragging Katie out with her.
"Sorry." Emily extricated herself, and rummaged for her wallet. "I really have to go." She couldn't think of anything but the living room light being on and what it might mean.
Katie rolled her eyes and her friends dragged her back into the cab. The door shut, and the cab pulled away, but Emily didn't see it go, she was already fumbling for her keys at the door.
"Emma? Emma! Is everything all right?"
There wasn't a response, and Emily slipped into the living room. Emma was asleep on the sofa, under a blanket, the light shining right on her face, and a book, open faced, its pages crumpled under it, on the floor. Emily moved over to her and knelt down beside the couch. She picked up the book, setting it right, and brushed some hair out of Emma's face. She wished she didn't smell like smoke and liquor. Emma blinked, once or twice before her eyes focused, sharp and blue as always.
"Oh, you're back."
"What are you doing down here? I was sure you'd be asleep by now."
Emma shrugged. "Insomnia." She moved to sit up. "I wanted a harder surface."
Emily stared at her, unable to believe such a blatant lie. "Are you sure it wasn't jeans-induced insomnia?"
Emma glanced at her sharply and then looked down at herself. She was still dressed. Her shoulders sank slightly. "I must have fallen asleep while reading."
That was plausible, except... "Why'd you say it was insomnia then?"
Apparently that was the last straw. Emma whirled on her. "Why didn't you call? I don't fucking care where you go with that whore, but at least call so I know what lies I'm supposed to tell Didi!"
Emily gaped at the anger. "I- I'm sorry. I forgot. I was trying to be social."
"Is that what you call it?"
"I'm sorry," Emily tried again. "But I don't know what you're so angry about. You didn't have to wait up for me."
"I wasn't waiting up for you!" Emma spat. "I was waiting up for you to ask me to leave."
"Leave?"
"Should I leave? Are you going to move in with that woman you're fucking!"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"If she wants you bad enough to make nice with your brat, you obviously don't need me anymore!"
"Wait. You mean Katie? You think I'm with Katie?"
"It's obvious, Emily! She's not subtle! She's always calling you and taking you places and giving Deirdre stupid garbage to try and win her over." Not that it was working. Didi was very sensitive to ulterior motives.
"You really think she's interested in me?"
"Oh my god, Emily! You can't be that obtuse!" Emily looked helpless. "Oh," Emma groaned. "I forgot, you can." She dropped on the sofa and put her head in her hands. Emily stood awkwardly, needing to do something, to fix this, but completely unable to think of what. "They sent her to you, you know. The note is to you. If you don't need me anymore, you can just get rid of me."
"I'm not going to get rid of you!" Emily was panicking inside. She wasn't trying to leave, was she? This couldn't be her trying to leave!
"Maybe you're not with that woman." Emma glanced away. "But what if you do get a girlfriend? They're always going to be jealous and uncomfortable with me here. You shouldn't have to make decisions based on making the freeloader living in your house's life easier."
"You're not a -"
"I don't want your pity! I know what I am! And I don't want you to take care of me because you're too masochistic to just tell me to go!"
"I don't want you to go! Didi would kill me if I sent you away!" This wasn't about Emma wanting to leave, that was clear now. This was about the same thing it had always been about, that Emma hated being saved and would shoot herself in the foot rather than let someone else take the rattler out of her boot.
"This isn't about her! It is about you and me and your inability to just take what you want! I don't need to be the one to screw you up any more than you are already!"
"I want you here! I can't do this alone, and I'm not... not good with people. I feel safe with you. I'm not going to risk that, not for sex, not for some imaginary future that I will never make work, not for anything. Emma..." If you want to stay forever, she wanted to say, stay just like this, and I'd never need anything else to be happy. This was already so much more than she ever even let herself want, and Emma thought she would give it up for something normal? But she couldn't find the words to say it.
"You feel safe with me?"
Emily flushed. Emma sighed.
"I don't feel safe with you. You're too... you're too good for me. And then you tell her that I'm just your babysitter, and I hate you, because that's all I am, and I can't rely on this."
"I didn't know what I was supposed to say." Emma looked hurt, and Emily floundered for some way to be forgiven. "I work with her. I don't need to have everyone know I'm insane."
"What is your idiotic compulsion to tell the truth all the time?! You tell as much of the truth as you can get away with, and let people assume what they will. I see those mothers every day! You didn't think twice before implying that I was your slut!"
"I didn't say that!"
"You let them think it! You let them think whatever they want about me! You told that asshole in the park that I was your wife. But at work I'm just your babysitter?"
"What do you want me to say? You're my sister-in-law? My girlfriend? My Au Pair? The stripper I picked up in New York on a whim? One of those is true and it's not the one you want splashed around the Twin Cities!"
Emma's glare was like a slap. "How about the woman you have a child with? Or is that too difficult to explain away? Will people just assume that I'm more important to you than you want me to be?"
Emily stared at her, desperate and angry and guilty, all at the same time. And then she finally gave up. She stepped in, wrapping her arms around Emma's chest. Emma yelped, and stood as stiff and straight as a toothpick. But Emily held on tightly, and kept her clasped to her even as Emma struggled to get away.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't need you. I know I never do anything but make things more difficult. But having you here is so important to me. Nothing... nothing is worth screwing this up."
"Why should I believe you?" Emma mumbled, relaxing slightly, but not all the way.
"Well, I do have that irritating compulsion to tell the truth all the time."
Emma laughed and curled into her, putting her arms around her waist. "You can be such a jerk some of the time."
"Just tell me how I can make it better. I don't want you to think you have to face everything alone." There was one thing that Emily wouldn't say. It was a sacrifice, offering to leave if Emily found something better, whether it was for the right reasons or not. But Emily couldn't make the reverse promise. There were too many ways for Emma to find something better, easier, less inevitably painful than this, and if she did, Emily couldn't make herself promise to let go.
* * *
"Do you remember when I told you that Emma wasn't my Au Pair?"
Katie blinked. "Um, not exactly, but I'll take your word for it."
"Well, she's not. She's..." Emily bit her lip. She hadn't really decided how she was going to say this. She shifted her weight. "I really like hanging out with you, and I don't mean that we shouldn't..."
"What are you saying?" Katie stared at her, her gaze intent. "You said she wasn't your girlfriend. She isn't, right?"
"Well..."
"She is?" Katie's mouth slowly opened in shock. "You're with her? You live with her and you have a daughter with her! You lied to me? You were double timing both of us!"
"Double timing? I was just going out with you as friends!"
"That's bullshit, Prentiss! We were dating for weeks! I hope she kicks your ass out! I never thought you could be such a... such a vicious person!"
Katie stormed out. Emily gaped at her departing figure. She really hadn't thought that it could possibly go that badly. She had explained that Emma wasn't just her babysitter, at least, even if she hadn't managed to clarify the situation at all. She was just sure that now the whole secretarial pool would call her a cheater and a slut for the next six months, and she would never get anything done without doing it herself.
* * *
"Well, she kicked me to the curb," Emily informed her housemate, who was tidying the kitchen. "Apparently we were dating, and I just hadn't noticed."
Emma snorted.
"And when I said that you weren't my babysitter, she decided that I had been having my cake and eating it too, and I'm pretty sure she's never going to give me the time of day again."
Emma turned away, but there was something about the set of her shoulders that said she was smiling. "Good," she said, and that was all.
* * *
Part 16