(no subject)
I don't know why I can't get past this feeling. Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on, and while I know they are right, I can't seem to do it. And the really hard part is that I really don't WANT to move on...what I want is to make things good again, to make them go back to the way they were... I want him to love me the same again. But nobody has the answer to that... because there is no way to force someone to love you... so all I can do is move on, BUT I CAN'T!!!! I came to the realization last night that the one thing I need for him to want to be with me again is to NOT be me. And that used to be the special thing that made him want me. And now it is my destrucion, my downfall. Damnit! It hurts so much to feel like I just want to be anyone but me! I hate myself. And the only time I am happy is when I am with him. But then I have to face reality when his new girlfriend calls or he has to leave me to go pick her up from work or whatever.
I hate that I bitch about this so much, but I'm just not getting past this. How do you move on and leave behind the person that means the most in the world to you? The person that you would have done ANYTHING for? And that's just it, I would do absolutly anything for him, and yet he still doesn't want to be with me... even though he loved me so much, so deeply, and we were very happy (usually) together. And even though now, when we are together and alone, I can still see it in him, in the way he looks at me, and acts, and draws me close to him... So what is it?! What more can I do or offer?!
And this damn depression is making me skinnier. Like I wasn't a twig already. Not to mention making me want to drive my car into an EFing wall (don't worry, I won't do it, besides, with my luck I wouldn't die and then I'd have no car and be sent to a mental hospital where they only have really bad food causing even more weight loss...wow, at least I still have some sense of humor, even if it's a little twisted)! Seriously though, I'm still healthy, but I can't afford to lose much more weight (and I am eating, just haven't had the same appetite anymore).
Now I need your prayers.
I hate that I bitch about this so much, but I'm just not getting past this. How do you move on and leave behind the person that means the most in the world to you? The person that you would have done ANYTHING for? And that's just it, I would do absolutly anything for him, and yet he still doesn't want to be with me... even though he loved me so much, so deeply, and we were very happy (usually) together. And even though now, when we are together and alone, I can still see it in him, in the way he looks at me, and acts, and draws me close to him... So what is it?! What more can I do or offer?!
And this damn depression is making me skinnier. Like I wasn't a twig already. Not to mention making me want to drive my car into an EFing wall (don't worry, I won't do it, besides, with my luck I wouldn't die and then I'd have no car and be sent to a mental hospital where they only have really bad food causing even more weight loss...wow, at least I still have some sense of humor, even if it's a little twisted)! Seriously though, I'm still healthy, but I can't afford to lose much more weight (and I am eating, just haven't had the same appetite anymore).
Now I need your prayers.