I've been looking so long at these pictures of you.
Thank god for lj.
It's been about two years since I've posted, but reading back on everything that happened to me in England just made me crave the chance to say a little more. It's a gift to be able to look back, read the words I forgot I said, re-live the little moments, be there in those places that were so important to me and feel it all again.
I've forgotten how much I missed everyone. I guess it's a little like living with some sort of permanent wound...after a while, you have to let it fade into the background or it will hurt like hell all the time and you'll never think of anything else. But oh, I miss everyone. I miss Kathleen, we don't talk anymore. Something permanently broke between us and it's not fixable. It breaks my heart. She's getting married and I wouldn't have even know if it wasn't for facebook. I'm getting married, and I don't know if she knows. I mean, I'm sure she does, I plastered it all over the internet, but you get the point.
I miss Alex and Ana and Kelly. Time just slips away, doesn't it? I'm lucky if I talk to Alex once or twice a month on facebook. I'm dying to hear her voice. I just read over all my entries from England and I miss her so much. I was laughing and reading things out loud to Doug as he looked at me blankly. I feel like crying, or getting in my car and driving to see her. What I wouldn't give for just a moment like England again....just to be sitting on a train, or the floor of the common room, or side by side in our "Live the Dream" sweatshirts in the computer lab, talking and laughing and singing and being so full of anticipation, feeling a little scared about what was coming next and just being there, in the moment before the future vaulted us forward to adults.
Life gets caught up in the routine these days. Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy. I'm engaged to the sweetest, most endearing, thoughtful, funny, amazing, intelligent, creative guy. I tried on my wedding dress today and twirled around and felt so grateful for my life. Thank you England, thank you Ana and Alex, thank you assholes that I dated and lusted after and lost and let go of for bringing me to this point. I am so grateful that my eyes and heart were open to Doug. He changed my life. I have a great job that sometimes drives me a little crazy and makes me feel a little small, but it's a good place to be. I love the kids I work with, I love my coworkers (for the most part), it's not hard work, it pays good money. I coach cheerleading, just like I said I wanted to. I have a cute house and a ring on my finger and the love of my life by my side every day. My family is close by, and healthy, I have a really cute but terribly behaved dog and a very snooty but cuddly cat. I have good friends, even though too many of them are too far away. What more do I want? Am I selfish or what?
I want more. I want to write, and live off writing...Doug and I are writing together now. It's nice and cathartic to have something creative to do. I want my favorite people around me all the time. I want to travel again, to see the world with fresh eyes, to go new places, to do new things. I want to live big and fully. Sometimes I want to forget that garbage night is every Thursday, and the mortgage is due on the 1st of the month, and the litter box needs cleaning and the siding at the back of the house needs fixing. I want to meet new people and hear foreign languages and leave it all behind. Looking back, I know I'm glossing over a lot of it. I drank too much and cried a LOT and dreamed of the day I'd be where I am now. I was broken and seeking and desperately in need of fixing. And it's over, and I am so much the better for it. But it still haunts me, I still wake up with glimpses from dreams and fragments of songs playing in my head from those days. Alex is coming to NY for the wedding, she's in it of course. Kelly and Ana, I'm praying they get to be there so I can hug them and tell them I love them and see their sweet faces. Everyone is getting older and moving on. Al's baby is 2 years old and I've not even met him yet. It moves too fast.
Thank god for lj for slowing down at least a little part of it and letting me look back.
It's been about two years since I've posted, but reading back on everything that happened to me in England just made me crave the chance to say a little more. It's a gift to be able to look back, read the words I forgot I said, re-live the little moments, be there in those places that were so important to me and feel it all again.
I've forgotten how much I missed everyone. I guess it's a little like living with some sort of permanent wound...after a while, you have to let it fade into the background or it will hurt like hell all the time and you'll never think of anything else. But oh, I miss everyone. I miss Kathleen, we don't talk anymore. Something permanently broke between us and it's not fixable. It breaks my heart. She's getting married and I wouldn't have even know if it wasn't for facebook. I'm getting married, and I don't know if she knows. I mean, I'm sure she does, I plastered it all over the internet, but you get the point.
I miss Alex and Ana and Kelly. Time just slips away, doesn't it? I'm lucky if I talk to Alex once or twice a month on facebook. I'm dying to hear her voice. I just read over all my entries from England and I miss her so much. I was laughing and reading things out loud to Doug as he looked at me blankly. I feel like crying, or getting in my car and driving to see her. What I wouldn't give for just a moment like England again....just to be sitting on a train, or the floor of the common room, or side by side in our "Live the Dream" sweatshirts in the computer lab, talking and laughing and singing and being so full of anticipation, feeling a little scared about what was coming next and just being there, in the moment before the future vaulted us forward to adults.
Life gets caught up in the routine these days. Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy. I'm engaged to the sweetest, most endearing, thoughtful, funny, amazing, intelligent, creative guy. I tried on my wedding dress today and twirled around and felt so grateful for my life. Thank you England, thank you Ana and Alex, thank you assholes that I dated and lusted after and lost and let go of for bringing me to this point. I am so grateful that my eyes and heart were open to Doug. He changed my life. I have a great job that sometimes drives me a little crazy and makes me feel a little small, but it's a good place to be. I love the kids I work with, I love my coworkers (for the most part), it's not hard work, it pays good money. I coach cheerleading, just like I said I wanted to. I have a cute house and a ring on my finger and the love of my life by my side every day. My family is close by, and healthy, I have a really cute but terribly behaved dog and a very snooty but cuddly cat. I have good friends, even though too many of them are too far away. What more do I want? Am I selfish or what?
I want more. I want to write, and live off writing...Doug and I are writing together now. It's nice and cathartic to have something creative to do. I want my favorite people around me all the time. I want to travel again, to see the world with fresh eyes, to go new places, to do new things. I want to live big and fully. Sometimes I want to forget that garbage night is every Thursday, and the mortgage is due on the 1st of the month, and the litter box needs cleaning and the siding at the back of the house needs fixing. I want to meet new people and hear foreign languages and leave it all behind. Looking back, I know I'm glossing over a lot of it. I drank too much and cried a LOT and dreamed of the day I'd be where I am now. I was broken and seeking and desperately in need of fixing. And it's over, and I am so much the better for it. But it still haunts me, I still wake up with glimpses from dreams and fragments of songs playing in my head from those days. Alex is coming to NY for the wedding, she's in it of course. Kelly and Ana, I'm praying they get to be there so I can hug them and tell them I love them and see their sweet faces. Everyone is getting older and moving on. Al's baby is 2 years old and I've not even met him yet. It moves too fast.
Thank god for lj for slowing down at least a little part of it and letting me look back.