[FICTION] Faded Memories
TITLE: Faded Memories [ONE SHOT]
AUTHOR: Nikattun
CHARACTERS: Kamenashi Kazuya x Akanishi Jin, (a hint of Tanaka Koki x Kamenashi Kazuya)
RATING: PG-13
GENRE: Drama, Angst, Romance, One-shot
THEME SONG: Fuyu Ga Kuru / Harukanaru Omoi
SUMMARY/PLOT: Kamenashi Kazuya recalls the account of events that happened in his life the past years. He recalls Akame and other memories nostalgically that came into him by the time he was breaking down.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any characters, situations, places and other things in property to someone that were used in this story. All of the accounts here are merely fiction of the author.
WARNING: The story is more influenced of Kame’s intrapersonal communication so it is really nurtured in Kame’s thoughts and point of view. Too much Akame love and drama. And please take note that whatever that is written here, is not really the happenings that took account with Kame and Jin’s lives.
A/N: Written in Kame’s point of view alone. I just hope this won’t be that of a cheesy shit. But I did my best for this, so I hope so badly that you enjoy it. Inspired by Akame (Kamenashi Kazuya and Akanishi Jin) and inspired by God and Music, too. Thanks also to Jinjin and my cousin Ara, without them, I wouldn’t be finishing this fic. Thanks a lot.
«←------→»
Tomorrow, I would break my heart.
I was hesitant enough to convince him with this obscured negation inside of me, though I haven’t finalized it but hell it really bothers the conscience out of me. I thought it was severe. What would people think of us when they find out? Yes, it would be shameful enough for our families and even for ourselves to be into such wild bizarre of screaming girls to be amazed that their idols are inhumanly gay.
After a show the next tiring night, sure enough, I decided to talk to him in a dark private dressing room - with all the materials and things scattered in an agreeable way of mess in every spot of the four corners of the small room - to release all the unstoppable thoughts that’s surrounding my head. I need to let this out - who would be happy if you’re hiding something to your precious one, right - if this is the right thing to be done, then fine, I must say that it’s over.
Somehow when I see his face, it’s tormenting me. I really don’t want to hurt him and he knows too far that I all I care about was him alone and for him to be happy - I would always want that, of course, yet some things do need to have a proximity to a halt of immoral doings; an end - and I don’t know why I’m becoming like this. I don’t know, I think I’m confusing myself, drowning the thoughts of that unpleasant occurrence in the near future when all the world’s got the knowledge of it thus hating us for knowing the truth; finding out that we’re as dreadful as what they’re thinking. And a voice is residing in my thoughts, keeping the echo that’s making me more and more insane of all that’s happening; circling around that it simply is wrong - and I should make it right.
I know one day this will happen. Not everybody deserves a happy ending. It’s something predictable. All of us are bound to have more grief and refutation if we’re ought to entertain happiness at the first point.
Just remember that I do love you and I’ll always will…
“Jin.. uhm, I need to tell you something…,” I don’t know what will I react at this point but in some instance, I felt the rush of saying this clear, understandable and agreeable with him. Being bothered with these commotions in my senses were enough for me - stop, just go and set me free. I wanted to make things right and just, as what my family raised me into such environment. Intolerable, yes, and preferably, in this case, I need to alter such affair. “well.. I wanted to say.. I’m sorry… I-I can’t heed this thing anymore - this series of mania that’s cropping up in between us.” A moment of chaste silence followed after my apologetic statement. “I’m really sorry, Jin. I can’t afford this any longer… Sorry.”
Spark of continuous guilt and pain is unstoppably stabbing me - a traitor in disguise. The cold sensation that I felt rushed through my veins seemingly instead of blood. I thought there would be no more than pleasing if I restrained myself and make this undoubtedly right. But after a latter upheaval, here I am again, welcoming more suffering than usual. Would I get my salvation? It’s no comparable to the one who’s having operations and deliveries right now, who’s receiving excruciating pain at this moment, whose being beaten, who’s being thrown out, who’s searching for affection. This undeniably hurting me - feels like rejection, even more powerful than rejection. Now I know the feeling - I thwarted my senses from realizing so. If the love is still there, the one who’s hurt the most would be the one who sacrificed to leave - not the one who’s being set down.
Believe me, I loathe nobody else at this time. Nobody else but myself.
«←-----→»
Even if we go back to the same place, with the same faces, still, TIME is there to change it all…
I shuddered. In the dark cold night, I am here, thinking. Thinking of what I had become the past years. Thinking of what I had done then. Thinking of what had happened to me then. Thinking of the most precious thoughts that are bound in my endless memory - things that I will never forget, things that I’ll cherish and treasure.
A part of me that traps me in pains and miseries; a treasure that’s hard to find yet very tragic.
Tragic, indeed. ‘Cause all I ever wanted was to be with him, to grow old with him, to take care of him, to love him. I don’t know where I went wrong. Is there something wrong with me that am very hard to accept? Is there a part of me that’s dreadfully awful because the one who loved me - the one who said that he’ll never leave me and he really truly loved me - left me in the vast space of hunger and thirst for light that my world sank and was dissolved in the midst of the sinister troubling world.
It’s hard for me to tell, I really don’t know. But I do remember back then…
I got to meet him for the first time. Yes, at first it was ordinary but he appealed to me.
It was our audition for Johnny’s Entertainment or commonly known as Johnny’s Junior. I was impressed with the ones who auditioned themselves dedicatedly and hoping that they’ll fit the bill. Young boys with definitely cool side of them showed, a lot came from rich families--striving and giving their best shots just to be discovered and be chosen, and there are few who only came just for fun, to live the expectations of their parents, to give honor to their family, and admiring some JE idols. But he was an exempt to that. I don’t know what he’s up to, why he’s here. But the fact that he came here to audition has a reason. Everything has its own reason.
He was so plain yet refined even his slightest moves and grace motivated me. I haven’t seen such guy who’d been so lovely. He’s certainly beautiful - inside and out.
I know he’s a magnet for attraction - yes. Indeed, many guys agreed to that, with the way they look at him; they must adore him. He’s cool, beautiful and exceptionally charismatic. I bet he’s perfect to be a part of the JE world. I knew from that he would be chosen. And if that happens, I will badly hope that I would be, too. For me to be able to see him again, I thought.
I even hesitated to greet him that time. It was funny ‘cause as long as I remember it, I was really thinking hard whether I should approach him or not. It made me anxious. There’s something about him - something that I sought; something that I should find out. The thought of that makes me more anxious. I couldn’t stand it anymore that I considered coming close to him and greeting him in the most casual and easiest way possible.
“Uhm, anno,” It made me feel nervous again. The fact that I had read his name tag that says “Akanishi Jin” made me thought of how his name was - it was simply attractive - yet it fascinated me to the point that I even praised it all over again in my head, drowning my thought of his name and angelic face alone. My heart was thumping with a rate of velocity so much to handle with the moment - at the wrong time and place. “Hi, I’m Kamenashi Kazuya. Uhm,… er.. and you are?” I was insanely saying the words nervously; my eyes twitching as I offered a hand to him - partly hesitating if what I’m doing is okay. Or is it bothering and scaring him?
“Hello. I’m Akanishi Jin. Nice to meet you.” That made me pleased. I recall that day that I was smiling my brightest smile ever. It’s the first time I felt that way. Having known that someone would care to greet me in return, that overwhelmed my feelings. A careful grin played in his lips.
I think I’ll melt.
From that day on towards the years that seemed to pass, I was happy all the time. He was always there, we got to communicate every day, talked about our problems and other stuffs and we shared memories that are usual yet something worth treasuring of.
Having him to know me; I, having to know him, seemed a pretty good extension of our admiration with each other. I got to understand the real Jin and I realized that he’s not just a mystique in beauty, but he does have a captivating trait, which is the most dominant in his senses.
Surely enough, I was glad that he was the one who comforted me, who showed that he cared, who showed me love. Yes, love. It was great to know that someone is always there, with you by your side knowing that he would never leave you no matter what.
Oh right, that one time, I think of. The time that he approached me but later did I knew that our bond is getting deeper; stronger. That time he texted me the exact same words - “I’m sad. Do you have time? I needed someone. Can I talk to you?” - kept hunting me that time. Somehow I felt guilt when I haven’t saw the message when he sent it. It was really disappointing on my part, really. The words were pounding over and over again in my heart that I couldn’t bear to have a different feeling. I don’t know what that is, but I certainly was nervous and eager.
When I got the chance to leave him a message and ask him what the problem is, he said he’s okay. He just assured that he’s fine and still good as ever. He even said sorry and thanks plenty of times because he was too bothered that he made that kind of effect towards me - ‘cause I came rushing to him and asking all over again if he’s fine or not.
I mean it, I’m worried about him.
Well, that made an impact. It intensified our bond. Growing thoughtfulness and kindness towards each other were unavoidable already. Among all of the KAT-TUN members, who were formed by Domoto Koichi years after the Johnny’s audition was over, Jin and I were the closest. The words ‘Jin and I’ sparked a quiver inside of me but once again, the thought of it made me happy; it will always make me.
Then came Gokusen 2, and I’m rejoiced, for I will be with Jin most of the times now, doing scenes together, being close to each other, having much time for simple bonding that would truly be our life’s treasures worth, and do such kinds of things under the sun.
I don’t know what’s happening to me that I am seriously devoted into contacting him, getting close with him, sharing moments with him, knowing him, asking him a lot of questions, and just staying by his side. Maybe the factor of him, not being much of a talker in reality, made me curious - but as moments flashed by me, I realized that it’s something surreal. Passion and affection seemed to coincide with each other. At first we became friends. Second, we became closer. Third, we became best friends. Fourth, we became brothers. And then came our outlook changed - changed so much that we don’t know how hell it is that we can describe it. And lastly and indisputably enough, we became real.
Yes. Our emotional desire with each other became more and more resilient. Like something that’s entirely coated with extreme honey that condensed into another shift of level; that became more unbreakable and unbearable to ignore. And as the years, seasons and moments flew away swiftly, I was curious. What is our relationship, truly, at this point of time? Does it bother him? I want to know. I can’t endure this flooding tension that wanted to escape in my heart; something that’s inexplicable in the first that you’ve felt it. The acceleration taking place is far more explanatory to those who’re the same as me, struck by immense emotion for the foremost moment I greeted him.
The only difference was that it grew devious within me - nurtured with biased mentality of only thinking of him, missing him, wanting and longing to be with him every second that passed. It’s tormenting without him with me, even in just a jiffy. I felt the chambers of my heart seemingly to explode any moment that I’m not with him. All this bizarre vulnerability of mine when it comes to him makes me wonder.
Bewildered? Yes. I couldn’t even tell.
But there’s one way to know the circumstances that’s occurring. And I yearned for it. I demanded to know so badly to the extent that craved for his answer right away.
“Ne, may I ask you something?”
He smiled his way to his coolest façade ever to trick the hell out of me (well, as if I’m exaggerating.. Hell, he’s always in his best behavior). “Hmm. Sure. What is it? Feel free to ask me anything.”
“Well…. I was… just… thinking…,” There was an interruption in my thoughts that I wanted to say - I’m afraid. I don’t know what to do. Swear to God, I really, really am nervous right now! I can’t take it. I think I’ll lose my consciousness at this critical time! - gapping the statement that is only the way to find out the truth. “..uhm,… anno… Can I ask… what’s the real score--” Then I paused for a while, shoving the words that spilled out of my mouth away in my innermost psyche. But it’s too late; I had already let my point swung open.
“What? Real score?... What do you mean?”
“Well… I mean… what’s the real score between us?... Uhmm,.. I mean,.. what is the real status of our relationship now?... y’know.”
“Oh.” A short hesitating pitch came out of his throat.
I know it’s stupid - yes, it is - to ask him that kind of question right away, shocking him with all the weirdness that’s occurring inside of me. Maybe I’m being a psycho, which perhaps I can tell.
But I just wanted to figure it out straight from him, to hear him speak my name with the gentlest rhythm, to witness him say what’s really in his mind and, of course, in his heart. My breathing accelerated, as his piercing words with pleasure in my chest echoed. “What do you think?
“Do you want our relationship to turn out like that?”
My forehead puckered by the words that spilled. But as I thought it over and over and consequentially felt it, I sensed that my first impression of the statement was wrong; my expression smoothened. Concentrating and pondering by the occurrence that fluttered with the atmosphere, I realized that the impression is different. Initially, I thought it was because he was interrogating me in a way that he doesn’t want it or doesn’t made sense because he doesn’t feel the same. But he proved me wrong.
“What? Uhm, I honestly didn’t catch that.”
“Are you ready for commitments? And do you feel the same?” Same is the seeming word to describe it, I guess, too. It gave me an electric shock in my nerves, though - we feel the same towards each other.
Oops! My heart kept throbbing harder and harder. I don’t know what I look like to him right now, or even if he still bothers to look but I am sure I felt that heat came rising concentrated into my head and ears, I could feel the blood streamed through my veins with electricity that it made me tremble down my spine, I could discern that there’s too much butterflies in my stomach for me to handle and I really had a hard time finding the right words that would make me explain that I’m not ready yet - even though I wanted to - I guess I’m afraid.
“Well…,” there’s a momentary break in my voice. I don’t know how to express it, or at least say it. I still have the hangover of the aftershock. “… I… don’t know... maybe I’ll… answer you some other time.” Yeah. Now I think I really am stupid.
Abruptly, his face turned to blank and went murmuring, “Okay. Just tell me if you’re ready… sometime.”
OMIGOSH! Did he just say sometime? Sure enough, with the thought of his face and the rhythm of his voice, my senses could tell that he will wait for my answer.
On the 13th of February, at 8 o’clock in the evening, I was busy preparing for my stuffs to do the day after. It’s Valentines’ Day tomorrow and I know it would be a heck of a schedule. Even if I’m engaged with some schemes like these, I still have few of time kept for me to communicate with him. It’s just really not worth any day without me spending time to talk to him - indeed, for me; a day is useless if I’m not able to do so.
It’s my prerogative to be with him always. And I would demand for that.
So at the end of the day, I talked to him on the phone, telling him that I miss him; love him. Well, for us, it’s not much of a shock ‘cause we got to say those encouraging words often as possible as the closest friends ever - without us realizing that what we’re doing and saying these days or any moment given onwards, would turn out into something unexpected - which makes it natural for us to say: “I love you” to each other.
But then he broke our impermanent teases that brought to the serious discussion - confession.
“Uhm, Kame-kun?... Have you thought about that already?”
I was unsure. But I kept things light as possible. Hell, there was a sudden fierce reaction of tension! My heart was jumping over and over too fast for me to handle, cold sweat ran through my pale face - as if I was being called to speak on stage in front of millions of people - causing me to have flying butterflies inside my not-in-well-condition-lately stomach. My hands were trembling; so does my voice. Somebody please help me?
I thought about it a lot before since he asked me the other time. And this time, I asked myself again the same question that it made me feels nauseated. Do I want this?
After moments of stillness, though I’m ready for it, I still checked my feelings, made sure of my decision, and out of the blue, I said, “Yes.”
I know he was happy - the sound of his voice tells me to predict that he’s very happy with it. Well, he can’t deny that. I, too, am. We both are. And I chuckled with the thought and I was gently touched by his compassionate laughter - a sign of delight. And I was overjoyed. I admit it, he is my ecstasy.
Valentines’ Day. Well, that’s the exceptionally happiest Valentines’ Day of mine in cloud nine ever. We shared moments of laughter, passion and expressing our love for each other. I spent the end of the day with him and only him - I would not want anything or anybody - just him. Maybe I was being too selfish in a way, but what can I do? I only wanted to be with him; to simply love him endlessly. Well, that’s not too much to ask, that’s normal. But it’s saddening that’s ours was different. People will try to break us apart, to think of something appalling towards us, which would hurt him and me, of course. And if that happens, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I could be able to fight for him when the going gets tough. I’m guilty ‘cause I’m weak - a coward, should I say - that some people think I’m strong on the outside, but truthfully, I’m not. But I don’t know if I can live up to my own expectations when it comes to loving him, I know planning is not a good practice, I think, for me.
But I don’t want to think of those first, just savor the moments that we’re sharing right now. It’s such a treasure to be kept for a lifetime.
Awkwardness and guilt formed through me throughout the days that gone by. It was a strong form of guilt - I don’t know what appropriate word to be used - but I think no word is worthy enough to describe what I felt. It’s irrational, something to be loathe about. I know what we’re doing was wrong, in the eyes of God, of the people surrounding us, and lastly and shameful enough, I was positive that what we’re doing should be corrected. Adamancy. I simply am guilty.
Maybe it’s because of the same sex relationship that’s happening with us right now. And it really bothers my conscience to death that I can’t relax nor act properly and normally every hour that passes. It seems foolish - idiotic to begin with - , but yeah, I felt that kind of rush to clear things out aptly and do the right thing for our own good.
It’s both our first time, without a doubt. He’s the first one who came into my life and made me felt this kind of affection that’s attaching me onto him, and I think he feels quite the same. Reasonably in the first place, we’ve been here in this point of our lives - not knowing what will happen or what we’re supposed to do - wherein we can’t keep up with our love’s challenges and trails that neither both of us knew what we’re going to act upon on the situation. I’m having second thoughts - skepticism, I guess.
Tomorrow, I would break my heart. I was hesitant enough to convince him with this obscured negation inside of me, though I haven’t finalized it but hell it really bothers the conscience out of me. I thought it was severe. What would people think of us when they find out? Yes, it would be shameful enough for our families and even for ourselves to be into such wild bizarre of screaming girls to be amazed that their idols are inhumanly gay.
After a show the next tiring night, sure enough, I decided to talk to him in a dark private dressing room to release all the unstoppable thoughts that’s surrounding my head. I need to let this out - who would be happy if you’re hiding something to your precious one, right - if this is the right thing to be done, then fine, I must say that it’s over.
Somehow when I see his face, it’s tormenting me. I really don’t want to hurt him and he knows too far that I all I care about was him alone and for him to be happy - I would always want that, of course, yet some things do need to have a proximity to a halt of immoral doings; an end - and I don’t know why I’m becoming like this. I don’t know, I think I’m confusing myself, drowning the thoughts of that unpleasant occurrence in the near future when everybody’s got the knowledge of it thus hating us for knowing the truth; finding out that we’re as dreadful as what they’re thinking. And a voice is residing in my thoughts, keeping the echo that’s making me more and more insane of all that’s happening; circling around that it simply is wrong - and I should make it right.
I know one day this will happen. Not everybody deserves a happy ending. It’s something predictable. All of us are bound to have more grief and refutation if we’re ought to entertain happiness at the first point.
Just remember that I do love you and I’ll always will…
“Jin.. uhm, I need to tell you something…,” I don’t know what will I react at this point but in some instance, I felt the rush of saying this clear, understandable and agreeable with him. Being bothered with these commotions in my senses were enough for me - stop, just go and set me free. I wanted to make things right and just, as what my family raised me into such environment. Intolerable, yes, and preferably, in this case, I need to alter such affair. “well.. I wanted to say.. I’m sorry… I-I can’t heed this thing anymore - this series of mania that’s cropping up in between us.” A moment of chaste silence followed after my apologetic statement. “I’m really sorry, Jin. I can’t afford this any longer… Sorry.”
Painful it is. Pain came piercing through my heart that it’s hard for me to think properly, to eat properly and to sleep properly.
I think I’m crazy.
Spark of continuous guilt and pain is unstoppably stabbing me - a traitor in disguise. I thought there would be no more than pleasing if I restrained myself and make this undoubtedly right. But after a latter upheaval, here I am again, welcoming more suffering than usual. Would I get my salvation? It’s no comparable to the one who’s having operations and deliveries right now, who’s receiving excruciating pain at this moment, who’s being beaten, who’s being thrown out, and who’s searching for affection. This is undeniably hurting me - feels like rejection, even more powerful than rejection. Now I know the feeling - I thwarted my senses from realizing so. If the love is still there, the one who’s hurt the most would be the one who sacrificed to leave - not the one who’s being set down.
Believe me, I loathe nobody else at this time. Nobody else but myself.
Despite of the troubled phobia, it happened. The devious cowardice triumphed over desperate affection. Indeed after that day, all went blank. My searching was endless - through my own abandoned world, I seek for him. Every time, I feel my heart stops beating and having all this absorbed for the first time is indeed a great pressure - in heart, mind and soul. I do not want this aching, these wounds to remain just there, this sadness that I’m bound to carry all throughout the passing days. It’s an agonizing pain, thinking of his face and all that’s retained in the past. I’m slowly dying - I’m afraid I’m the one who’s killing me.
But never should I or must I withdraw what had happened, what I had done. It’s my suffering alone, and I should take responsibility for all of these by paying all of the damages caused by my stupidity. I need to bear this overwhelming piercing feeling inside of me - gradually trapping and overtaking my senses. I must.
But isn’t he hurting, too, with all the things that had happened?
It’s impairing me more thinking of that factor. I did hurt him. And I just made everything else worse by breaking his heart. I don’t want this, too, but I need to be firm on my stand. Yet there are a lot of girls dying to have him; someone better than me - who’d comfort him and who would stand with him whatever it takes.
Jin… My lips…are so dry. So dry that it doesn’t meant to be placed on yours. If it will, I would just be hurt. And you won’t feel any sensation - with its dryness, with its deficiency.
In my room, at my window pane, there I sat with tears gushing out of my face as I gazed at the dark night sky - without any signs of life - no moon, no stars. Maybe it’ll rain tomorrow. Thick clouds are covering the sky’s beauty tonight, making a gap between the world and the splendor of the dazzling sky, that all I see is black - indeed, hollow. A sky that we shared - the same sky we used to watch through all of these days.
That night, I let all my pains and guilt come out, squeezing all the feelings away, hoping that they would let me go and be as lively as I should. Why do I need to suffer at the heartrending story that has happened? I wanted to be set free. I wanted to be unbounded with all the complicated and sharp things that might stab me along and eventually hurt me without me noticing it all in the first place.
No doubt, this is my destiny. And I should accept it, wholeheartedly.
“Kazu… I can’t afford to lose you. I need to stay by your side. I need you. Because I’m wretchedly in love with you.”
I can’t surrender right now, I really can’t. I need to endure this, to have a grip of myself. Even though I utterly and sincerely love this guy standing in front of me right now, taking my hand - begging for me - but I guess that’s just the way it is. I know I’m bound to suffer. And swear to God, I would make things right.
“I’m sorry, Jin.”
“Please, Kame… I love you. Please do come back. Please…”
And then I cried…again.
I’m really sorry. After all the while, I can say that I’m an incomparable idiot - especially when it comes to you. Because of all things that has done and has happened, I can’t stand to dignify it. And honestly speaking, I never did. I caused you pain and sufferings but here I am, a useless coward, seeking for you. And I tell you, I still and will love you.
That is a fact, yes. And I miss you so much. I want to have you back. I can’t afford to be hurt in this lonely sphere surrounding me - a lifeless one. I don’t want to be someone who would just torture himself and not to have something good in return - the one that ought to be mine, the one I ought to love.
And as time passed by, because of those, realizing that its really rude for me to hurt him after all the things he had done for me, he stayed by my side, comforted me, kept my secrets, protected and took care of me, respected me, accepted me, appreciated me, and most especially, loved me for who I am. Realizing all of those and regretting my stupidity and having me sure of myself that I don’t want to lose him, I came rushing down to him, to ask him not to go because I really loved him..
“Jin…?”
“Hmm.. What is it, Kazu?”
“Can you do me a favor?”
There was a sudden bleak silence…
“Uhm, yes. Anything for you.”
“Can you aid my heart right now,” I let it out undoubtedly, nervously enough. “cause it’s damned broken and shouting the name of only one I love… Jin.”
Maybe this is, indeed, a heavenly emotion - the channels within me kept bursting with intense rush in the way I had said it. I cannot let him go at this moment - and the thought of that alone made me joyous deep inside. Yet with that teary-eyes of him right now, I’m unsure if he’ll accept it or not. I admit that I am hopeful. Hopeful so badly of his love. And now, I simply can’t turn this upside down - not again, I thought.
Certainly, he looked so beautiful. He slightly puts a sincere grin in his face, a visible reddish-pink shade of the façade and moisture in the eyes welling up. His face telling me that is in a deep thought of the occurrence, that he’s not aware of what’s happening. He still looked - what’s the proper term - uhm, doubtful? I can’t believe I’m seeing this sight of him right now. Will he accept my offer? - that’s the question.
Then to my surprise, he slipped his arms around my waist, looked at me for a moment of sudden confusion in my thought…then he smiled. Am I dreaming? This tension of emotions flooding me right now, it’s indeed something familiar. I totally missed him. With him alone, I know I am contented. And now, I could not ask for anything else in the world.
Jin slowly placed his lips onto mine. It was lovely; I can feel his presence again. I can feel this exaggeratedly overpowering affection in between us, connecting our desire by savoring each other’s love through letting it all out in a sharp but sensational kiss. “I love you, Kame-kun. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, still. Thank you for making me in love you; I promise I will always do so. Thank you.” Then he held my hand once again, softly unto his hand as he looked down towards me then beams his rejoiced eyes.
He certainly dazzled me. And I admit that I’m happy with us being like this.
All the time of the day, all the days of the week, and all the weeks of the month, I’m exceptionally a happy and contented one in this world - a world full of hatred and pain. I’ve regained joyfulness and serenity here, with the one most precious to me - that is, my sweet Jin. I really love this heck of a guy. And now that we’re back again into the moments of unlimited contentment and affection resulting to another shift of bliss, we can’t let this out. I wanted these moments, too eager, for sure, that’s why I don’t want to see it set free and going too far away with my own eyes just looking at it. That’s why, I grasped it.
And even in the slightest time that I’m not with him, I miss him so badly. So badly that I hate myself why should we be parted like this every day, every night. I know this is asking much, but what can I do? I love that baka so much to the point that I all I see is him; all I ever wanted to be with, in my whole existence, is none other than him alone. For me, that, certainly and desirably, is a paradise.
Now, I think I love him with no comparison to anyone at all. I know and feel it’s unrequited and unconditional. And then again, I miss him. I wanted to be with him tonight. I miss so dearly. Thinking of him right now, here again in my dim room makes me cry when I miss him. I need him, want to be with him; I feel the need of loving him with intense impact right now. And I sought for it.
So at the middle of midnight, one Saturday night, particularly, I ran towards his apartment and hugged him immediately as I cried and poured my heart all out into those tears which shed onto Jin’s firm and sexy shoulder. With my arms around his neck, I hid my face and shout the words like an endless demand, “I need you, Jin. I love you so much. I miss you. I wanted to be with you.”
Jin was unexpectedly shocked with what’s happening to me. And indeed, he held my soaked wet face - with tears and sweats - with his soft hands fit onto mine and whispered, “Hush, Kame-kun. Calm down,” I see, right at this moment, that I’m worrying him. With all the weirdness inside of me, a lustful invitation of the dark side of mind made me run my way up to here to not just see him. He, then, wiped my tears off of my cheeks, “Are you alright? What’s the matter?” He is worried, now - I know, I can tell, I can feel it, I can feel him inside of me.. Yelling at my mind to understand him, but my imagination is too stubborn. I kept crying and I prefer to stay close to him, at that overjoyed moment. I want him.
And now my senses were blocked, “I just missed you. And I don’t know if I can keep up, so I went here.”
“You shouldn’t have bothered to do so. Look, you’re all tired,” he slid his other arm at the back of my waist - the sensation that I felt send shivers towards channels of my whole body. I can’t resist, he’s tempting me more. “Come, let’s go inside. You better rest and stay here first.” Then he led me inside, with his arm still at my side, never wanting to let me go as he closed the apartment’s door behind me.
“Jin..” I let out a sigh and stared up at him, unstable.
I saw his eyes widened, shock, maybe, with my appearance, and again trapped my face between his real caring hands and moist worrying eyes. Gawd, Jin, now I can’t resist it. It’s your fault. “What’s happening to you?”
Fiercely, I let the Shadow-Beast took place within me and attacked my attractive prey - my sexy lover. I threw my arms around, once again, in his white smooth neck. And this time, I caught him in surprise with my arms not letting go, tightly around him. I put my thirsty mouth - undeniably thirsty for his sweet juice - unto his lovely lips. I sucked him as much as I could but then he doesn’t seem to find out how to respond into my initial move. I’m yours, Jin, yours alone.
“Wait, Kame…ahh.. What are you doing?” he pulled our faces apart for a while in the middle of that appreciative kiss as he let out a delicate and deep breath, apparently directed towards me. This is stimulating me, sexually; I want to have more of him. I love his sweet smell, I do, “Are you sure you want this? Or have you experienced such things before?”
I thought about that for a while and said as almost as mutely, “Well, no. I haven’t. But…” I guess I’m desperate now. I tried to seduce him by staring at him weakly, badly in need of his love, “I want to do this with you. I’m no good, I know, but please guide me.” And eventually, it worked pretty well.
He smiled a heartburning one and assured me one thing, “I honestly would want you, Kazu. There’s no one in this world would I die for to do this kind of thing, only you. And I’m okay with us, doing it,” but he interrupted me by snapping me into my temperament and making me realize that the truth is, I’m in his paradise, he’s inviting me, “but I’m not really that experienced when it comes to this. But don’t worry, it’s my pleasure to lead you.”
I was still in shock of what he just said when he came slowly real close to my face as deep breaths of his was still felt in my pallid skin. Our breaths were so loud; its synch would seemingly create as lustful hum, a tune that we both love to hear. And now as the clock ticked, same way, our heartbeats were felt. It felt like magic, us connecting with each other in such a delightful way. He carried me towards his bed while kissing me heavily and passionately. And truthfully, he led me. I felt his tongue, under my drenched lips, seemingly wanted to be permitted to enter through. He’s awesome. He gave me a totally different feeling, happiness. And as I’ve repeatedly said this, I really, really love him.
I took the move of being top of him and kiss him all over his sensual body. I just wish that what I am doing is okay and right because it would be a shame if I turn this out into a mess. Electricity is so hard to stop right now as I prove him my love. But then, he insisted to lead me. He’s always a gentleman, and damn, I really love him to death!
CONTINUE?
AUTHOR: Nikattun
CHARACTERS: Kamenashi Kazuya x Akanishi Jin, (a hint of Tanaka Koki x Kamenashi Kazuya)
RATING: PG-13
GENRE: Drama, Angst, Romance, One-shot
THEME SONG: Fuyu Ga Kuru / Harukanaru Omoi
SUMMARY/PLOT: Kamenashi Kazuya recalls the account of events that happened in his life the past years. He recalls Akame and other memories nostalgically that came into him by the time he was breaking down.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any characters, situations, places and other things in property to someone that were used in this story. All of the accounts here are merely fiction of the author.
WARNING: The story is more influenced of Kame’s intrapersonal communication so it is really nurtured in Kame’s thoughts and point of view. Too much Akame love and drama. And please take note that whatever that is written here, is not really the happenings that took account with Kame and Jin’s lives.
A/N: Written in Kame’s point of view alone. I just hope this won’t be that of a cheesy shit. But I did my best for this, so I hope so badly that you enjoy it. Inspired by Akame (Kamenashi Kazuya and Akanishi Jin) and inspired by God and Music, too. Thanks also to Jinjin and my cousin Ara, without them, I wouldn’t be finishing this fic. Thanks a lot.
«←------→»
Tomorrow, I would break my heart.
I was hesitant enough to convince him with this obscured negation inside of me, though I haven’t finalized it but hell it really bothers the conscience out of me. I thought it was severe. What would people think of us when they find out? Yes, it would be shameful enough for our families and even for ourselves to be into such wild bizarre of screaming girls to be amazed that their idols are inhumanly gay.
After a show the next tiring night, sure enough, I decided to talk to him in a dark private dressing room - with all the materials and things scattered in an agreeable way of mess in every spot of the four corners of the small room - to release all the unstoppable thoughts that’s surrounding my head. I need to let this out - who would be happy if you’re hiding something to your precious one, right - if this is the right thing to be done, then fine, I must say that it’s over.
Somehow when I see his face, it’s tormenting me. I really don’t want to hurt him and he knows too far that I all I care about was him alone and for him to be happy - I would always want that, of course, yet some things do need to have a proximity to a halt of immoral doings; an end - and I don’t know why I’m becoming like this. I don’t know, I think I’m confusing myself, drowning the thoughts of that unpleasant occurrence in the near future when all the world’s got the knowledge of it thus hating us for knowing the truth; finding out that we’re as dreadful as what they’re thinking. And a voice is residing in my thoughts, keeping the echo that’s making me more and more insane of all that’s happening; circling around that it simply is wrong - and I should make it right.
I know one day this will happen. Not everybody deserves a happy ending. It’s something predictable. All of us are bound to have more grief and refutation if we’re ought to entertain happiness at the first point.
Just remember that I do love you and I’ll always will…
“Jin.. uhm, I need to tell you something…,” I don’t know what will I react at this point but in some instance, I felt the rush of saying this clear, understandable and agreeable with him. Being bothered with these commotions in my senses were enough for me - stop, just go and set me free. I wanted to make things right and just, as what my family raised me into such environment. Intolerable, yes, and preferably, in this case, I need to alter such affair. “well.. I wanted to say.. I’m sorry… I-I can’t heed this thing anymore - this series of mania that’s cropping up in between us.” A moment of chaste silence followed after my apologetic statement. “I’m really sorry, Jin. I can’t afford this any longer… Sorry.”
Spark of continuous guilt and pain is unstoppably stabbing me - a traitor in disguise. The cold sensation that I felt rushed through my veins seemingly instead of blood. I thought there would be no more than pleasing if I restrained myself and make this undoubtedly right. But after a latter upheaval, here I am again, welcoming more suffering than usual. Would I get my salvation? It’s no comparable to the one who’s having operations and deliveries right now, who’s receiving excruciating pain at this moment, whose being beaten, who’s being thrown out, who’s searching for affection. This undeniably hurting me - feels like rejection, even more powerful than rejection. Now I know the feeling - I thwarted my senses from realizing so. If the love is still there, the one who’s hurt the most would be the one who sacrificed to leave - not the one who’s being set down.
Believe me, I loathe nobody else at this time. Nobody else but myself.
«←-----→»
Even if we go back to the same place, with the same faces, still, TIME is there to change it all…
I shuddered. In the dark cold night, I am here, thinking. Thinking of what I had become the past years. Thinking of what I had done then. Thinking of what had happened to me then. Thinking of the most precious thoughts that are bound in my endless memory - things that I will never forget, things that I’ll cherish and treasure.
A part of me that traps me in pains and miseries; a treasure that’s hard to find yet very tragic.
Tragic, indeed. ‘Cause all I ever wanted was to be with him, to grow old with him, to take care of him, to love him. I don’t know where I went wrong. Is there something wrong with me that am very hard to accept? Is there a part of me that’s dreadfully awful because the one who loved me - the one who said that he’ll never leave me and he really truly loved me - left me in the vast space of hunger and thirst for light that my world sank and was dissolved in the midst of the sinister troubling world.
It’s hard for me to tell, I really don’t know. But I do remember back then…
I got to meet him for the first time. Yes, at first it was ordinary but he appealed to me.
It was our audition for Johnny’s Entertainment or commonly known as Johnny’s Junior. I was impressed with the ones who auditioned themselves dedicatedly and hoping that they’ll fit the bill. Young boys with definitely cool side of them showed, a lot came from rich families--striving and giving their best shots just to be discovered and be chosen, and there are few who only came just for fun, to live the expectations of their parents, to give honor to their family, and admiring some JE idols. But he was an exempt to that. I don’t know what he’s up to, why he’s here. But the fact that he came here to audition has a reason. Everything has its own reason.
He was so plain yet refined even his slightest moves and grace motivated me. I haven’t seen such guy who’d been so lovely. He’s certainly beautiful - inside and out.
I know he’s a magnet for attraction - yes. Indeed, many guys agreed to that, with the way they look at him; they must adore him. He’s cool, beautiful and exceptionally charismatic. I bet he’s perfect to be a part of the JE world. I knew from that he would be chosen. And if that happens, I will badly hope that I would be, too. For me to be able to see him again, I thought.
I even hesitated to greet him that time. It was funny ‘cause as long as I remember it, I was really thinking hard whether I should approach him or not. It made me anxious. There’s something about him - something that I sought; something that I should find out. The thought of that makes me more anxious. I couldn’t stand it anymore that I considered coming close to him and greeting him in the most casual and easiest way possible.
“Uhm, anno,” It made me feel nervous again. The fact that I had read his name tag that says “Akanishi Jin” made me thought of how his name was - it was simply attractive - yet it fascinated me to the point that I even praised it all over again in my head, drowning my thought of his name and angelic face alone. My heart was thumping with a rate of velocity so much to handle with the moment - at the wrong time and place. “Hi, I’m Kamenashi Kazuya. Uhm,… er.. and you are?” I was insanely saying the words nervously; my eyes twitching as I offered a hand to him - partly hesitating if what I’m doing is okay. Or is it bothering and scaring him?
“Hello. I’m Akanishi Jin. Nice to meet you.” That made me pleased. I recall that day that I was smiling my brightest smile ever. It’s the first time I felt that way. Having known that someone would care to greet me in return, that overwhelmed my feelings. A careful grin played in his lips.
I think I’ll melt.
From that day on towards the years that seemed to pass, I was happy all the time. He was always there, we got to communicate every day, talked about our problems and other stuffs and we shared memories that are usual yet something worth treasuring of.
Having him to know me; I, having to know him, seemed a pretty good extension of our admiration with each other. I got to understand the real Jin and I realized that he’s not just a mystique in beauty, but he does have a captivating trait, which is the most dominant in his senses.
Surely enough, I was glad that he was the one who comforted me, who showed that he cared, who showed me love. Yes, love. It was great to know that someone is always there, with you by your side knowing that he would never leave you no matter what.
Oh right, that one time, I think of. The time that he approached me but later did I knew that our bond is getting deeper; stronger. That time he texted me the exact same words - “I’m sad. Do you have time? I needed someone. Can I talk to you?” - kept hunting me that time. Somehow I felt guilt when I haven’t saw the message when he sent it. It was really disappointing on my part, really. The words were pounding over and over again in my heart that I couldn’t bear to have a different feeling. I don’t know what that is, but I certainly was nervous and eager.
When I got the chance to leave him a message and ask him what the problem is, he said he’s okay. He just assured that he’s fine and still good as ever. He even said sorry and thanks plenty of times because he was too bothered that he made that kind of effect towards me - ‘cause I came rushing to him and asking all over again if he’s fine or not.
I mean it, I’m worried about him.
Well, that made an impact. It intensified our bond. Growing thoughtfulness and kindness towards each other were unavoidable already. Among all of the KAT-TUN members, who were formed by Domoto Koichi years after the Johnny’s audition was over, Jin and I were the closest. The words ‘Jin and I’ sparked a quiver inside of me but once again, the thought of it made me happy; it will always make me.
Then came Gokusen 2, and I’m rejoiced, for I will be with Jin most of the times now, doing scenes together, being close to each other, having much time for simple bonding that would truly be our life’s treasures worth, and do such kinds of things under the sun.
I don’t know what’s happening to me that I am seriously devoted into contacting him, getting close with him, sharing moments with him, knowing him, asking him a lot of questions, and just staying by his side. Maybe the factor of him, not being much of a talker in reality, made me curious - but as moments flashed by me, I realized that it’s something surreal. Passion and affection seemed to coincide with each other. At first we became friends. Second, we became closer. Third, we became best friends. Fourth, we became brothers. And then came our outlook changed - changed so much that we don’t know how hell it is that we can describe it. And lastly and indisputably enough, we became real.
Yes. Our emotional desire with each other became more and more resilient. Like something that’s entirely coated with extreme honey that condensed into another shift of level; that became more unbreakable and unbearable to ignore. And as the years, seasons and moments flew away swiftly, I was curious. What is our relationship, truly, at this point of time? Does it bother him? I want to know. I can’t endure this flooding tension that wanted to escape in my heart; something that’s inexplicable in the first that you’ve felt it. The acceleration taking place is far more explanatory to those who’re the same as me, struck by immense emotion for the foremost moment I greeted him.
The only difference was that it grew devious within me - nurtured with biased mentality of only thinking of him, missing him, wanting and longing to be with him every second that passed. It’s tormenting without him with me, even in just a jiffy. I felt the chambers of my heart seemingly to explode any moment that I’m not with him. All this bizarre vulnerability of mine when it comes to him makes me wonder.
Bewildered? Yes. I couldn’t even tell.
But there’s one way to know the circumstances that’s occurring. And I yearned for it. I demanded to know so badly to the extent that craved for his answer right away.
“Ne, may I ask you something?”
He smiled his way to his coolest façade ever to trick the hell out of me (well, as if I’m exaggerating.. Hell, he’s always in his best behavior). “Hmm. Sure. What is it? Feel free to ask me anything.”
“Well…. I was… just… thinking…,” There was an interruption in my thoughts that I wanted to say - I’m afraid. I don’t know what to do. Swear to God, I really, really am nervous right now! I can’t take it. I think I’ll lose my consciousness at this critical time! - gapping the statement that is only the way to find out the truth. “..uhm,… anno… Can I ask… what’s the real score--” Then I paused for a while, shoving the words that spilled out of my mouth away in my innermost psyche. But it’s too late; I had already let my point swung open.
“What? Real score?... What do you mean?”
“Well… I mean… what’s the real score between us?... Uhmm,.. I mean,.. what is the real status of our relationship now?... y’know.”
“Oh.” A short hesitating pitch came out of his throat.
I know it’s stupid - yes, it is - to ask him that kind of question right away, shocking him with all the weirdness that’s occurring inside of me. Maybe I’m being a psycho, which perhaps I can tell.
But I just wanted to figure it out straight from him, to hear him speak my name with the gentlest rhythm, to witness him say what’s really in his mind and, of course, in his heart. My breathing accelerated, as his piercing words with pleasure in my chest echoed. “What do you think?
“Do you want our relationship to turn out like that?”
My forehead puckered by the words that spilled. But as I thought it over and over and consequentially felt it, I sensed that my first impression of the statement was wrong; my expression smoothened. Concentrating and pondering by the occurrence that fluttered with the atmosphere, I realized that the impression is different. Initially, I thought it was because he was interrogating me in a way that he doesn’t want it or doesn’t made sense because he doesn’t feel the same. But he proved me wrong.
“What? Uhm, I honestly didn’t catch that.”
“Are you ready for commitments? And do you feel the same?” Same is the seeming word to describe it, I guess, too. It gave me an electric shock in my nerves, though - we feel the same towards each other.
Oops! My heart kept throbbing harder and harder. I don’t know what I look like to him right now, or even if he still bothers to look but I am sure I felt that heat came rising concentrated into my head and ears, I could feel the blood streamed through my veins with electricity that it made me tremble down my spine, I could discern that there’s too much butterflies in my stomach for me to handle and I really had a hard time finding the right words that would make me explain that I’m not ready yet - even though I wanted to - I guess I’m afraid.
“Well…,” there’s a momentary break in my voice. I don’t know how to express it, or at least say it. I still have the hangover of the aftershock. “… I… don’t know... maybe I’ll… answer you some other time.” Yeah. Now I think I really am stupid.
Abruptly, his face turned to blank and went murmuring, “Okay. Just tell me if you’re ready… sometime.”
OMIGOSH! Did he just say sometime? Sure enough, with the thought of his face and the rhythm of his voice, my senses could tell that he will wait for my answer.
On the 13th of February, at 8 o’clock in the evening, I was busy preparing for my stuffs to do the day after. It’s Valentines’ Day tomorrow and I know it would be a heck of a schedule. Even if I’m engaged with some schemes like these, I still have few of time kept for me to communicate with him. It’s just really not worth any day without me spending time to talk to him - indeed, for me; a day is useless if I’m not able to do so.
It’s my prerogative to be with him always. And I would demand for that.
So at the end of the day, I talked to him on the phone, telling him that I miss him; love him. Well, for us, it’s not much of a shock ‘cause we got to say those encouraging words often as possible as the closest friends ever - without us realizing that what we’re doing and saying these days or any moment given onwards, would turn out into something unexpected - which makes it natural for us to say: “I love you” to each other.
But then he broke our impermanent teases that brought to the serious discussion - confession.
“Uhm, Kame-kun?... Have you thought about that already?”
I was unsure. But I kept things light as possible. Hell, there was a sudden fierce reaction of tension! My heart was jumping over and over too fast for me to handle, cold sweat ran through my pale face - as if I was being called to speak on stage in front of millions of people - causing me to have flying butterflies inside my not-in-well-condition-lately stomach. My hands were trembling; so does my voice. Somebody please help me?
I thought about it a lot before since he asked me the other time. And this time, I asked myself again the same question that it made me feels nauseated. Do I want this?
After moments of stillness, though I’m ready for it, I still checked my feelings, made sure of my decision, and out of the blue, I said, “Yes.”
I know he was happy - the sound of his voice tells me to predict that he’s very happy with it. Well, he can’t deny that. I, too, am. We both are. And I chuckled with the thought and I was gently touched by his compassionate laughter - a sign of delight. And I was overjoyed. I admit it, he is my ecstasy.
Valentines’ Day. Well, that’s the exceptionally happiest Valentines’ Day of mine in cloud nine ever. We shared moments of laughter, passion and expressing our love for each other. I spent the end of the day with him and only him - I would not want anything or anybody - just him. Maybe I was being too selfish in a way, but what can I do? I only wanted to be with him; to simply love him endlessly. Well, that’s not too much to ask, that’s normal. But it’s saddening that’s ours was different. People will try to break us apart, to think of something appalling towards us, which would hurt him and me, of course. And if that happens, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I could be able to fight for him when the going gets tough. I’m guilty ‘cause I’m weak - a coward, should I say - that some people think I’m strong on the outside, but truthfully, I’m not. But I don’t know if I can live up to my own expectations when it comes to loving him, I know planning is not a good practice, I think, for me.
But I don’t want to think of those first, just savor the moments that we’re sharing right now. It’s such a treasure to be kept for a lifetime.
Awkwardness and guilt formed through me throughout the days that gone by. It was a strong form of guilt - I don’t know what appropriate word to be used - but I think no word is worthy enough to describe what I felt. It’s irrational, something to be loathe about. I know what we’re doing was wrong, in the eyes of God, of the people surrounding us, and lastly and shameful enough, I was positive that what we’re doing should be corrected. Adamancy. I simply am guilty.
Maybe it’s because of the same sex relationship that’s happening with us right now. And it really bothers my conscience to death that I can’t relax nor act properly and normally every hour that passes. It seems foolish - idiotic to begin with - , but yeah, I felt that kind of rush to clear things out aptly and do the right thing for our own good.
It’s both our first time, without a doubt. He’s the first one who came into my life and made me felt this kind of affection that’s attaching me onto him, and I think he feels quite the same. Reasonably in the first place, we’ve been here in this point of our lives - not knowing what will happen or what we’re supposed to do - wherein we can’t keep up with our love’s challenges and trails that neither both of us knew what we’re going to act upon on the situation. I’m having second thoughts - skepticism, I guess.
Tomorrow, I would break my heart. I was hesitant enough to convince him with this obscured negation inside of me, though I haven’t finalized it but hell it really bothers the conscience out of me. I thought it was severe. What would people think of us when they find out? Yes, it would be shameful enough for our families and even for ourselves to be into such wild bizarre of screaming girls to be amazed that their idols are inhumanly gay.
After a show the next tiring night, sure enough, I decided to talk to him in a dark private dressing room to release all the unstoppable thoughts that’s surrounding my head. I need to let this out - who would be happy if you’re hiding something to your precious one, right - if this is the right thing to be done, then fine, I must say that it’s over.
Somehow when I see his face, it’s tormenting me. I really don’t want to hurt him and he knows too far that I all I care about was him alone and for him to be happy - I would always want that, of course, yet some things do need to have a proximity to a halt of immoral doings; an end - and I don’t know why I’m becoming like this. I don’t know, I think I’m confusing myself, drowning the thoughts of that unpleasant occurrence in the near future when everybody’s got the knowledge of it thus hating us for knowing the truth; finding out that we’re as dreadful as what they’re thinking. And a voice is residing in my thoughts, keeping the echo that’s making me more and more insane of all that’s happening; circling around that it simply is wrong - and I should make it right.
I know one day this will happen. Not everybody deserves a happy ending. It’s something predictable. All of us are bound to have more grief and refutation if we’re ought to entertain happiness at the first point.
Just remember that I do love you and I’ll always will…
“Jin.. uhm, I need to tell you something…,” I don’t know what will I react at this point but in some instance, I felt the rush of saying this clear, understandable and agreeable with him. Being bothered with these commotions in my senses were enough for me - stop, just go and set me free. I wanted to make things right and just, as what my family raised me into such environment. Intolerable, yes, and preferably, in this case, I need to alter such affair. “well.. I wanted to say.. I’m sorry… I-I can’t heed this thing anymore - this series of mania that’s cropping up in between us.” A moment of chaste silence followed after my apologetic statement. “I’m really sorry, Jin. I can’t afford this any longer… Sorry.”
Painful it is. Pain came piercing through my heart that it’s hard for me to think properly, to eat properly and to sleep properly.
I think I’m crazy.
Spark of continuous guilt and pain is unstoppably stabbing me - a traitor in disguise. I thought there would be no more than pleasing if I restrained myself and make this undoubtedly right. But after a latter upheaval, here I am again, welcoming more suffering than usual. Would I get my salvation? It’s no comparable to the one who’s having operations and deliveries right now, who’s receiving excruciating pain at this moment, who’s being beaten, who’s being thrown out, and who’s searching for affection. This is undeniably hurting me - feels like rejection, even more powerful than rejection. Now I know the feeling - I thwarted my senses from realizing so. If the love is still there, the one who’s hurt the most would be the one who sacrificed to leave - not the one who’s being set down.
Believe me, I loathe nobody else at this time. Nobody else but myself.
Despite of the troubled phobia, it happened. The devious cowardice triumphed over desperate affection. Indeed after that day, all went blank. My searching was endless - through my own abandoned world, I seek for him. Every time, I feel my heart stops beating and having all this absorbed for the first time is indeed a great pressure - in heart, mind and soul. I do not want this aching, these wounds to remain just there, this sadness that I’m bound to carry all throughout the passing days. It’s an agonizing pain, thinking of his face and all that’s retained in the past. I’m slowly dying - I’m afraid I’m the one who’s killing me.
But never should I or must I withdraw what had happened, what I had done. It’s my suffering alone, and I should take responsibility for all of these by paying all of the damages caused by my stupidity. I need to bear this overwhelming piercing feeling inside of me - gradually trapping and overtaking my senses. I must.
But isn’t he hurting, too, with all the things that had happened?
It’s impairing me more thinking of that factor. I did hurt him. And I just made everything else worse by breaking his heart. I don’t want this, too, but I need to be firm on my stand. Yet there are a lot of girls dying to have him; someone better than me - who’d comfort him and who would stand with him whatever it takes.
Jin… My lips…are so dry. So dry that it doesn’t meant to be placed on yours. If it will, I would just be hurt. And you won’t feel any sensation - with its dryness, with its deficiency.
In my room, at my window pane, there I sat with tears gushing out of my face as I gazed at the dark night sky - without any signs of life - no moon, no stars. Maybe it’ll rain tomorrow. Thick clouds are covering the sky’s beauty tonight, making a gap between the world and the splendor of the dazzling sky, that all I see is black - indeed, hollow. A sky that we shared - the same sky we used to watch through all of these days.
That night, I let all my pains and guilt come out, squeezing all the feelings away, hoping that they would let me go and be as lively as I should. Why do I need to suffer at the heartrending story that has happened? I wanted to be set free. I wanted to be unbounded with all the complicated and sharp things that might stab me along and eventually hurt me without me noticing it all in the first place.
No doubt, this is my destiny. And I should accept it, wholeheartedly.
“Kazu… I can’t afford to lose you. I need to stay by your side. I need you. Because I’m wretchedly in love with you.”
I can’t surrender right now, I really can’t. I need to endure this, to have a grip of myself. Even though I utterly and sincerely love this guy standing in front of me right now, taking my hand - begging for me - but I guess that’s just the way it is. I know I’m bound to suffer. And swear to God, I would make things right.
“I’m sorry, Jin.”
“Please, Kame… I love you. Please do come back. Please…”
And then I cried…again.
I’m really sorry. After all the while, I can say that I’m an incomparable idiot - especially when it comes to you. Because of all things that has done and has happened, I can’t stand to dignify it. And honestly speaking, I never did. I caused you pain and sufferings but here I am, a useless coward, seeking for you. And I tell you, I still and will love you.
That is a fact, yes. And I miss you so much. I want to have you back. I can’t afford to be hurt in this lonely sphere surrounding me - a lifeless one. I don’t want to be someone who would just torture himself and not to have something good in return - the one that ought to be mine, the one I ought to love.
And as time passed by, because of those, realizing that its really rude for me to hurt him after all the things he had done for me, he stayed by my side, comforted me, kept my secrets, protected and took care of me, respected me, accepted me, appreciated me, and most especially, loved me for who I am. Realizing all of those and regretting my stupidity and having me sure of myself that I don’t want to lose him, I came rushing down to him, to ask him not to go because I really loved him..
“Jin…?”
“Hmm.. What is it, Kazu?”
“Can you do me a favor?”
There was a sudden bleak silence…
“Uhm, yes. Anything for you.”
“Can you aid my heart right now,” I let it out undoubtedly, nervously enough. “cause it’s damned broken and shouting the name of only one I love… Jin.”
Maybe this is, indeed, a heavenly emotion - the channels within me kept bursting with intense rush in the way I had said it. I cannot let him go at this moment - and the thought of that alone made me joyous deep inside. Yet with that teary-eyes of him right now, I’m unsure if he’ll accept it or not. I admit that I am hopeful. Hopeful so badly of his love. And now, I simply can’t turn this upside down - not again, I thought.
Certainly, he looked so beautiful. He slightly puts a sincere grin in his face, a visible reddish-pink shade of the façade and moisture in the eyes welling up. His face telling me that is in a deep thought of the occurrence, that he’s not aware of what’s happening. He still looked - what’s the proper term - uhm, doubtful? I can’t believe I’m seeing this sight of him right now. Will he accept my offer? - that’s the question.
Then to my surprise, he slipped his arms around my waist, looked at me for a moment of sudden confusion in my thought…then he smiled. Am I dreaming? This tension of emotions flooding me right now, it’s indeed something familiar. I totally missed him. With him alone, I know I am contented. And now, I could not ask for anything else in the world.
Jin slowly placed his lips onto mine. It was lovely; I can feel his presence again. I can feel this exaggeratedly overpowering affection in between us, connecting our desire by savoring each other’s love through letting it all out in a sharp but sensational kiss. “I love you, Kame-kun. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, still. Thank you for making me in love you; I promise I will always do so. Thank you.” Then he held my hand once again, softly unto his hand as he looked down towards me then beams his rejoiced eyes.
He certainly dazzled me. And I admit that I’m happy with us being like this.
All the time of the day, all the days of the week, and all the weeks of the month, I’m exceptionally a happy and contented one in this world - a world full of hatred and pain. I’ve regained joyfulness and serenity here, with the one most precious to me - that is, my sweet Jin. I really love this heck of a guy. And now that we’re back again into the moments of unlimited contentment and affection resulting to another shift of bliss, we can’t let this out. I wanted these moments, too eager, for sure, that’s why I don’t want to see it set free and going too far away with my own eyes just looking at it. That’s why, I grasped it.
And even in the slightest time that I’m not with him, I miss him so badly. So badly that I hate myself why should we be parted like this every day, every night. I know this is asking much, but what can I do? I love that baka so much to the point that I all I see is him; all I ever wanted to be with, in my whole existence, is none other than him alone. For me, that, certainly and desirably, is a paradise.
Now, I think I love him with no comparison to anyone at all. I know and feel it’s unrequited and unconditional. And then again, I miss him. I wanted to be with him tonight. I miss so dearly. Thinking of him right now, here again in my dim room makes me cry when I miss him. I need him, want to be with him; I feel the need of loving him with intense impact right now. And I sought for it.
So at the middle of midnight, one Saturday night, particularly, I ran towards his apartment and hugged him immediately as I cried and poured my heart all out into those tears which shed onto Jin’s firm and sexy shoulder. With my arms around his neck, I hid my face and shout the words like an endless demand, “I need you, Jin. I love you so much. I miss you. I wanted to be with you.”
Jin was unexpectedly shocked with what’s happening to me. And indeed, he held my soaked wet face - with tears and sweats - with his soft hands fit onto mine and whispered, “Hush, Kame-kun. Calm down,” I see, right at this moment, that I’m worrying him. With all the weirdness inside of me, a lustful invitation of the dark side of mind made me run my way up to here to not just see him. He, then, wiped my tears off of my cheeks, “Are you alright? What’s the matter?” He is worried, now - I know, I can tell, I can feel it, I can feel him inside of me.. Yelling at my mind to understand him, but my imagination is too stubborn. I kept crying and I prefer to stay close to him, at that overjoyed moment. I want him.
And now my senses were blocked, “I just missed you. And I don’t know if I can keep up, so I went here.”
“You shouldn’t have bothered to do so. Look, you’re all tired,” he slid his other arm at the back of my waist - the sensation that I felt send shivers towards channels of my whole body. I can’t resist, he’s tempting me more. “Come, let’s go inside. You better rest and stay here first.” Then he led me inside, with his arm still at my side, never wanting to let me go as he closed the apartment’s door behind me.
“Jin..” I let out a sigh and stared up at him, unstable.
I saw his eyes widened, shock, maybe, with my appearance, and again trapped my face between his real caring hands and moist worrying eyes. Gawd, Jin, now I can’t resist it. It’s your fault. “What’s happening to you?”
Fiercely, I let the Shadow-Beast took place within me and attacked my attractive prey - my sexy lover. I threw my arms around, once again, in his white smooth neck. And this time, I caught him in surprise with my arms not letting go, tightly around him. I put my thirsty mouth - undeniably thirsty for his sweet juice - unto his lovely lips. I sucked him as much as I could but then he doesn’t seem to find out how to respond into my initial move. I’m yours, Jin, yours alone.
“Wait, Kame…ahh.. What are you doing?” he pulled our faces apart for a while in the middle of that appreciative kiss as he let out a delicate and deep breath, apparently directed towards me. This is stimulating me, sexually; I want to have more of him. I love his sweet smell, I do, “Are you sure you want this? Or have you experienced such things before?”
I thought about that for a while and said as almost as mutely, “Well, no. I haven’t. But…” I guess I’m desperate now. I tried to seduce him by staring at him weakly, badly in need of his love, “I want to do this with you. I’m no good, I know, but please guide me.” And eventually, it worked pretty well.
He smiled a heartburning one and assured me one thing, “I honestly would want you, Kazu. There’s no one in this world would I die for to do this kind of thing, only you. And I’m okay with us, doing it,” but he interrupted me by snapping me into my temperament and making me realize that the truth is, I’m in his paradise, he’s inviting me, “but I’m not really that experienced when it comes to this. But don’t worry, it’s my pleasure to lead you.”
I was still in shock of what he just said when he came slowly real close to my face as deep breaths of his was still felt in my pallid skin. Our breaths were so loud; its synch would seemingly create as lustful hum, a tune that we both love to hear. And now as the clock ticked, same way, our heartbeats were felt. It felt like magic, us connecting with each other in such a delightful way. He carried me towards his bed while kissing me heavily and passionately. And truthfully, he led me. I felt his tongue, under my drenched lips, seemingly wanted to be permitted to enter through. He’s awesome. He gave me a totally different feeling, happiness. And as I’ve repeatedly said this, I really, really love him.
I took the move of being top of him and kiss him all over his sensual body. I just wish that what I am doing is okay and right because it would be a shame if I turn this out into a mess. Electricity is so hard to stop right now as I prove him my love. But then, he insisted to lead me. He’s always a gentleman, and damn, I really love him to death!
CONTINUE?