A Part of Me is Gone,
For the past few years, I have had a beautiful role in the life of an amazing woman, my mother in law Audrey.
I first met Audrey back in 1997 when Kip and I were dating. I remember how Audrey wasn't very keen on my presence, but things got better. After Kip and I got married in 2000, things really changed. We discovered that we had something in common. Our love of baking and photography. Over the years Mom Audrey and I had some wonderful and special times together. We looked forward to our times together and spent countless hours talking. After Dad Bill passed away in 2004, Mom Audrey moved closer to the city. In 2010, Kip and I took jobs in Northern California with the Coast Guard and were settled quite well. We were there just over two years. In the end of that second year it was then that our lives took a drastic change. Mom Audrey had a stroke that left her nearly blind. We moved back to Tucson, and I became her primary caregiver. What started at part time caregiving, turned in to full time, 24/7. Over these past four years, Mom Audrey and I developed a relationship unlike anything I had ever imagined. My nursing ways came back to me. My heart opened up to her. My compassion for her grew. I devoted my life to her in every way I possibly could to give her the best possible experiences as her days of light, turned into darkness.
....And then it got worse. Her days got darker. Mom started falling. She was diagnosed with Parkinsons. Then she was diagnosed with memory issues. It was a down hill spiral.
Damn the tears as I write this.
She was my life. I gave up everything. Kip gave up everything. We wouldn't change a thing about what we gave up, to give Mom the best in what was to be her last years. Just over year ago, following a bad car accident, I was no longer able to care for her the 24/7 like I had for so long. It was a heart breaking decision for us to have to decide on an assisted living home for Mom. Casa de Buena Vida is where she was loved and cared for so beautifully. This came to be an amazing place for her, and for us as we were always welcomed with open arms, hugs and kisses and so much more. http://www.buenavidaassistedlivinghomes.com/casa-de-buena-vida.php
Three weeks ago, things changed so fast for her. Something was very wrong and she was taken to the hospital. She was admitted to the ICU and was diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome. It started with what was to be a massive heart attack. Followed by heart failure, and then total system failure. The first few days she was in ICU were horribly painful for all of us. That Friday we almost lost her. It was decided at that time, to involve the amazing team of Oshyn Hospice. http://www.oshynhospice.com
We were told if she made it through the night, we would be lucky. The following morning we were met with her wide awake, asking for a BBQ sandwich and a beer. The doctor felt that she could be moved to Casa de Buena Vida, and so that was immediately implemented. In the days that followed, we flew family in from all over. For the first time ever, all 6 of her great-grandchildren were with her. The oldest being 12, and the youngest being just 3 weeks old. Other family flew in to spend even just a few hours with Mom. On Thursday, Mom fell into a comatose state. The following morning with family by her side, she quietly passed away.
A part of me has died. A huge part of me is so empty. My days are long and painful. I know that Moms blindness is no more. I know that her struggles in not being able to do anything on her own any more is no more. I know that she is now at peace and with Dad Bill. But, I miss her so damn much. I miss the hours of us talking. I miss bathing her. I miss waking up in the middle of the night hearing her call out my name because she got lost and was stuck in a corner. I miss so much about her. I miss her smile. Most of all, I miss her face. The list is endless of what I miss. My loss is deep and I can't seem to make it through a day without crying.
There is still so much to do. Ready the house for sale. Get final items to family members. Clean out boxes of her things and decide what to do with things. I keep telling myself that things will get better. I know in time, the pain of my hurting heart and sole will get better. Time heals.
JUST A FEW MOMENTS WITH MOM.....
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PICTURES OF MOM... AT THE START OF HER DARK DAYS YET STILL SO FULL OF LIFE.
FIRST TIME EVER. MOM AND US WITH OUR THREE DAUGHTERS AND THEIR CHILDREN.
GRANDAUGHTER JENNIFER WITH GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER LEILANI, JUST 3 WEEKS OLD
LOVING THE MOMENT HOLDING HER YOUNGEST GREAT-GRANDCHILD. LEILANI - AGE 3 WEEKS
LOVING THE WOMAN THAT TAUGHT ME SO MUCH ABOUT LIFE.
KIPS AND MY HANDS HOLDING MOMS
RIP MOM AUDREY
I first met Audrey back in 1997 when Kip and I were dating. I remember how Audrey wasn't very keen on my presence, but things got better. After Kip and I got married in 2000, things really changed. We discovered that we had something in common. Our love of baking and photography. Over the years Mom Audrey and I had some wonderful and special times together. We looked forward to our times together and spent countless hours talking. After Dad Bill passed away in 2004, Mom Audrey moved closer to the city. In 2010, Kip and I took jobs in Northern California with the Coast Guard and were settled quite well. We were there just over two years. In the end of that second year it was then that our lives took a drastic change. Mom Audrey had a stroke that left her nearly blind. We moved back to Tucson, and I became her primary caregiver. What started at part time caregiving, turned in to full time, 24/7. Over these past four years, Mom Audrey and I developed a relationship unlike anything I had ever imagined. My nursing ways came back to me. My heart opened up to her. My compassion for her grew. I devoted my life to her in every way I possibly could to give her the best possible experiences as her days of light, turned into darkness.
....And then it got worse. Her days got darker. Mom started falling. She was diagnosed with Parkinsons. Then she was diagnosed with memory issues. It was a down hill spiral.
Damn the tears as I write this.
She was my life. I gave up everything. Kip gave up everything. We wouldn't change a thing about what we gave up, to give Mom the best in what was to be her last years. Just over year ago, following a bad car accident, I was no longer able to care for her the 24/7 like I had for so long. It was a heart breaking decision for us to have to decide on an assisted living home for Mom. Casa de Buena Vida is where she was loved and cared for so beautifully. This came to be an amazing place for her, and for us as we were always welcomed with open arms, hugs and kisses and so much more. http://www.buenavidaassistedlivinghomes.com/casa-de-buena-vida.php
Three weeks ago, things changed so fast for her. Something was very wrong and she was taken to the hospital. She was admitted to the ICU and was diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome. It started with what was to be a massive heart attack. Followed by heart failure, and then total system failure. The first few days she was in ICU were horribly painful for all of us. That Friday we almost lost her. It was decided at that time, to involve the amazing team of Oshyn Hospice. http://www.oshynhospice.com
We were told if she made it through the night, we would be lucky. The following morning we were met with her wide awake, asking for a BBQ sandwich and a beer. The doctor felt that she could be moved to Casa de Buena Vida, and so that was immediately implemented. In the days that followed, we flew family in from all over. For the first time ever, all 6 of her great-grandchildren were with her. The oldest being 12, and the youngest being just 3 weeks old. Other family flew in to spend even just a few hours with Mom. On Thursday, Mom fell into a comatose state. The following morning with family by her side, she quietly passed away.
A part of me has died. A huge part of me is so empty. My days are long and painful. I know that Moms blindness is no more. I know that her struggles in not being able to do anything on her own any more is no more. I know that she is now at peace and with Dad Bill. But, I miss her so damn much. I miss the hours of us talking. I miss bathing her. I miss waking up in the middle of the night hearing her call out my name because she got lost and was stuck in a corner. I miss so much about her. I miss her smile. Most of all, I miss her face. The list is endless of what I miss. My loss is deep and I can't seem to make it through a day without crying.
There is still so much to do. Ready the house for sale. Get final items to family members. Clean out boxes of her things and decide what to do with things. I keep telling myself that things will get better. I know in time, the pain of my hurting heart and sole will get better. Time heals.
JUST A FEW MOMENTS WITH MOM.....
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PICTURES OF MOM... AT THE START OF HER DARK DAYS YET STILL SO FULL OF LIFE.
FIRST TIME EVER. MOM AND US WITH OUR THREE DAUGHTERS AND THEIR CHILDREN.
GRANDAUGHTER JENNIFER WITH GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER LEILANI, JUST 3 WEEKS OLD
LOVING THE MOMENT HOLDING HER YOUNGEST GREAT-GRANDCHILD. LEILANI - AGE 3 WEEKS
LOVING THE WOMAN THAT TAUGHT ME SO MUCH ABOUT LIFE.
KIPS AND MY HANDS HOLDING MOMS
RIP MOM AUDREY