[RL] Nika rants
Everyone has always had - and still has - certain expectations from me. I was the smart, bright and ambitious kid, the Golden Girl of my hometown.
I always had the highest grades (the school had suggested I skipped a school year, but my parents were against it), got the lead role in a musical two times, was one of the best dancers (sorry for the rude choice of words, I don't mean to brag, I'm just pouring my heart out) of the dancing school and was even asked to become part of Studio 100, the "Johnny's Entertainment" of Belgium (but yet again, my parents didn't think it was a good idea).
Nearly everyone knew me in my hometown, and I was praised by parents ("try to be more like Stefanie") and hated by fellow students.
Heck, even my "best" friends were jealous and betrayed me behind my back.
So~ Because everyone thinks I'm still the same Stefanie, I try not to let them down. So I build a brick wall around me and hope no one will ever be able to find a powerful bulldozer that can smash it into tiny pieces. On the outside I'm close to being the "perfect" girl they expect me to be (again, I apologize for the choice of words), while on the inside, I'm falling deeper and deeper into a well I built myself.
I'm having these, I don't know, "dark" thoughts lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning any suicide or somthing like that. (:
I'm just not feeling right. I guess the feelings you normally have as a teenager, well, I'm getting them now. I think. I don't know.
And the problem is, I can't talk to anyone about it.
I don't have any RL friends I can trust 100%, and my parents are too busy dealing with their own issues. Don't get me wrong, my parents are the BEST parents one can have, I'm serious, but I always had the feeling they expect me to solve their problems.
When my parents fight, I feel so terrible that I'd do anything to stop them. So I drop everything I'm doing and talk to them separately, and then go to the other to explain the situation. And most of the time, it helps to stop their argueing. Which in turn makes me happy again.
So talking to my parents or to friends seems out of the question. The last few weeks I thought about contacting a psychiatrist, but that thought seems so drastic and overly dramatic and stupid. I mean, aren't shrinks for people who are having serious issues?
I'm only 20, he/she's going to laugh at me when I enter his/her office!
But then again, I'm in desperate need of talking to someone. Talking about my struggle with accepting that I cannot be perfect, about my doubts about studying in college (although I KNOW I am capable of doing that; I have no idea why my studies don't seem to work), about the fact that I'm still not over my aunt's death (she died of cancer 2 years ago), about my sadness when I see that my grandmother is on drugs again. I want to tell so many things, but I'm afraid that, if I ever tell anyone, they will tell it to someone else and in the end, everyone will know and their view about me will shatter and they will be so disappointed that I am not what they wanted me to be. And then they'll turn their backs on me and I'll be left all alone without anyone I can lean onto.
I fear that, if I ever go see a psychiatrist, I will make my parents really sad, and I don't want that to happen. They have been so good to me, they have always protected me and did everything to make me feel special. They are the best parents one can have, so I cannot bear to see them cry or be disappointed in me.
So that's why I'm still struggling with my own thoughts and feelings. I am unable to explain them to someone and fuck, that's suffocating me.
I just want to scream, kick my arms and legs in an attempt to be free and discover the world, but all I do is hurt the people around me. And therefore, myself.
And God, now I hate myself for drowning in my own selfpity. What a "perfect" woman, huh?
Yosh, that felt like some sort of therapy. xD Maybe I should type here more often (and flood you with my negative thoughts. Oh no! Run for your life!).
Anyway, now I'll go see Zettai Kareshi to tuck these thoughts away for awhile, then I'll switch over to Tatta Hitotsu no Koi to see Kame, my hero and strength to keep moving on (how cheesy and completely absurd it may sound, knowing that he's a fucking super idol who's living on the other side of the world and will never, ever know me) to finish with Cartoon KAT-TUN or something else to keep my mind busy with happy thoughts.
And then, when it's about 2 a.m., I'll start studying, since I haven't done one single thing for college today and exams start within 3 weeks.
Thank you for listening to me, whoever you might be, and hopefully, I have something more optimistic and colourful to tell you next time!
"Go take a shower. Brush your teeth. Don't catch flu. Very good." -- Akanishi Jin. Oh hon, I love you for being so uncomplicated. Teach me?
I always had the highest grades (the school had suggested I skipped a school year, but my parents were against it), got the lead role in a musical two times, was one of the best dancers (sorry for the rude choice of words, I don't mean to brag, I'm just pouring my heart out) of the dancing school and was even asked to become part of Studio 100, the "Johnny's Entertainment" of Belgium (but yet again, my parents didn't think it was a good idea).
Nearly everyone knew me in my hometown, and I was praised by parents ("try to be more like Stefanie") and hated by fellow students.
Heck, even my "best" friends were jealous and betrayed me behind my back.
So~ Because everyone thinks I'm still the same Stefanie, I try not to let them down. So I build a brick wall around me and hope no one will ever be able to find a powerful bulldozer that can smash it into tiny pieces. On the outside I'm close to being the "perfect" girl they expect me to be (again, I apologize for the choice of words), while on the inside, I'm falling deeper and deeper into a well I built myself.
I'm having these, I don't know, "dark" thoughts lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning any suicide or somthing like that. (:
I'm just not feeling right. I guess the feelings you normally have as a teenager, well, I'm getting them now. I think. I don't know.
And the problem is, I can't talk to anyone about it.
I don't have any RL friends I can trust 100%, and my parents are too busy dealing with their own issues. Don't get me wrong, my parents are the BEST parents one can have, I'm serious, but I always had the feeling they expect me to solve their problems.
When my parents fight, I feel so terrible that I'd do anything to stop them. So I drop everything I'm doing and talk to them separately, and then go to the other to explain the situation. And most of the time, it helps to stop their argueing. Which in turn makes me happy again.
So talking to my parents or to friends seems out of the question. The last few weeks I thought about contacting a psychiatrist, but that thought seems so drastic and overly dramatic and stupid. I mean, aren't shrinks for people who are having serious issues?
I'm only 20, he/she's going to laugh at me when I enter his/her office!
But then again, I'm in desperate need of talking to someone. Talking about my struggle with accepting that I cannot be perfect, about my doubts about studying in college (although I KNOW I am capable of doing that; I have no idea why my studies don't seem to work), about the fact that I'm still not over my aunt's death (she died of cancer 2 years ago), about my sadness when I see that my grandmother is on drugs again. I want to tell so many things, but I'm afraid that, if I ever tell anyone, they will tell it to someone else and in the end, everyone will know and their view about me will shatter and they will be so disappointed that I am not what they wanted me to be. And then they'll turn their backs on me and I'll be left all alone without anyone I can lean onto.
I fear that, if I ever go see a psychiatrist, I will make my parents really sad, and I don't want that to happen. They have been so good to me, they have always protected me and did everything to make me feel special. They are the best parents one can have, so I cannot bear to see them cry or be disappointed in me.
So that's why I'm still struggling with my own thoughts and feelings. I am unable to explain them to someone and fuck, that's suffocating me.
I just want to scream, kick my arms and legs in an attempt to be free and discover the world, but all I do is hurt the people around me. And therefore, myself.
And God, now I hate myself for drowning in my own selfpity. What a "perfect" woman, huh?
Yosh, that felt like some sort of therapy. xD Maybe I should type here more often (and flood you with my negative thoughts. Oh no! Run for your life!).
Anyway, now I'll go see Zettai Kareshi to tuck these thoughts away for awhile, then I'll switch over to Tatta Hitotsu no Koi to see Kame, my hero and strength to keep moving on (how cheesy and completely absurd it may sound, knowing that he's a fucking super idol who's living on the other side of the world and will never, ever know me) to finish with Cartoon KAT-TUN or something else to keep my mind busy with happy thoughts.
And then, when it's about 2 a.m., I'll start studying, since I haven't done one single thing for college today and exams start within 3 weeks.
Thank you for listening to me, whoever you might be, and hopefully, I have something more optimistic and colourful to tell you next time!
"Go take a shower. Brush your teeth. Don't catch flu. Very good." -- Akanishi Jin. Oh hon, I love you for being so uncomplicated. Teach me?