The world's worst novel.
OMG! unfriend-only-post :O that never happens! What gives CJ?!
I'll tell you what gives. My friend Robin Pierce and myself are going to write the world's worst novel and we want you all to be able to read it. This was brought about because there are some truly horridly written books out there and it has made their authors rich and well known. So this must honestly be the best way to get rich quick. Write a horrible novel and then market it towards Teens.
Binny and I won't seriously be sending this off to any publisher or anything (as far as I know), but we're amused by this brilliant plan anyways. If you feel that a book you love is being mocked, well sorry, it probably is. We're planning on mocking poorly written books that we hate, dislike, feel indifferent towards and love. We're taking elements that are often poorly done, like First Person, Fantasy, Romance, Dues Ex Machina and just cramming them all in there. We will be doing it tag team style, so once one of us gets stuck, we'll pass it on to the other one. I will try to remember when ever Binny does a post of it, to link it in my next post so that everyone is getting everything.
Also, if you know any horrible writing habits, cliches, or what not, feel free to suggest them in the comments. If you see a line in the writting that could be worse, let us know. We want this story to be god awful.
Any comments stating that the novel/writing/plot is horrible will be taken as a compliment since that is our goal. So without further ado, I present to you DUSK by CJ Burgandy and Robin Pierce.
God I hated boating, but my horrible dad made us go every single year. Says it reminds him of my real mother. That always makes my mean step mom mad. Dad would tell fantasy stories, telling me my mom was a beautiful mermaid, with beautiful long hair that called to mind unicorns prancing in dew-dropped forest clearings, and golden eyes that glistened with love when she looked at him, and teeth that sparkled in their perfection, and that he seduced her after they met on a perfect night where the moon glistened off of the waves as they were crashing against the pearly white sands, and they made me. I loved that story when I was a little kid, but now I'm grown up. 17 year old high school girls don't believe in mermaids and witches and unicorns.
My wicked step mom liked to add to the story that then my mermaid mother then swam to shore one day and gave birth to an ugly fish and gave it to my dad as a wedding gift to him and her. When they went to cook the muddy slimy fish, the scum washed off in the pot and there I was. Isn't my evil step mom wonderful?
All I could think about is how cheer leading tryouts were a week away. I always tried out, but never made the squad. I was always too fat, dumpy and weak. My step mom practically starved me all summer so I could loose weight. I'm not even sure why I try out, other than to maybe get my step mom's approval. She never did forgive my dad for fathering me, and my real mom giving me to him on his wedding day.
I like to imagine that my real mom has flowing brown hair that glides in the wind like seaweed does in the water. My hair is a mousy brown and it's a frizzy mess, much like my dad's is. My little sisters both have pretty blond hair, like miniature super models. My horrible step mother says it's because they let her work her magic on them. Personally, I wouldn't let her touch my hair. She'd probably make it all fall out on purpose. I might not have a choice when we get back home. She claims that I'll only make the squad if I let her bleach my hair and straighten it. Even if she's right, I wish she'd let me go to a salon. She's way to cheap to actually spend any money on her abused step-daughter. It's going to be my senior year of high school. You'd think by now I could have a proper hair style.
“Pisces, get over here, I want to get a family photo with the mountain lake behind us.” My mom left me two things before she vanished. A conch shell and a really dumb name. I was born in late February and it's as if she couldn't think of a better name than my Zodiac sign. The rest of my family has totally normal names. Dad's name is Bob, my wicked step mother's name is Morgan and her twin spawns are Sabrina and Tabitha. If only they had waited another year to birth out the devilish duo, I wouldn't be having to spend my last chance at high school with them being Freshmen. “Pisces, right NOW!”
“Coming dad, sheesh.” Dad dinked around with the timer on his camera as the rest of us gathered on the railing of the boat.
“Hey Sab, think Pi should be wearing her life vest?”
“Probably Tab, but would it be enough to save her from sharks if she fell in?”
“You two dolts know that there aren't any sharks in here. It's a lake for crying out loud!”
“Pisces!” My step mom interrupted. “Stop calling your sisters names.” The terrible twins just stuck their tongues out at me while Morgan wasn't looking. Why bother telling her about it. She always took their sides anyway.
“Ok girls, One...Two...Th-” I never heard my dad say Three. My evil half sisters had pushed me off the side of the boat. I started to sink into the cold lake water, struggling to break the surface of the water to breathe. I can't swim though. In a panic I let out a gasp, loosing what little air in my lungs I had. I bet those brats will say they slipped or I slipped. Even if I die, they wouldn't get punished for it. If there were really Mermaids in the world, I would be saved. Mermaids though, are fairy tales. My mother wasn't a mermaid, she wasn't mythical.
As the cold water started to blacken, I felt a manly grip around me. For a moment, I thought I saw brilliant blond hair, almost silver, but I know I was imagining it. I was certain that it was my dad who had a hold of me. As horrible as he is, I know he wouldn't let me die. All the world went black as I passed out.
I woke up a few hours later in a first aid station on the beach. My dad and was there, Morgan and the spawns of Satan were no where to be seen.
“I'm so sorry Pisces. I shouldn't of had you sit on the boat's railing. I know you can't swim.” My dad's mousy features looked so sad when he apologized. Normally I only saw that look when he was apologizing to Morgan for something I had done. Even though, normally, it was for something I was getting blamed for, not actually done.
“It's okay dad. You did dive in and rescue me after all.” I smiled at him. I wanted that pathetic look off his face.
“Oh. Umm, well, er, that is to say,” dad started to mumble to himself, as if I was giving him too much credit for saving my life. “That was, umm, well, that wasn't me Pisces. I was getting ready to jump over, honestly, but my life vest buckle was jammed and I wouldn't have been able to swim down and get you if I didn't get it off first, and then suddenly, this young man came swimming by and dived after you. Pretty good swimmer too. I bet he swims a lot. Didn't catch his name though. I was too much in a hurry to get you to the life guard station, get some of that CPR done up on you.” My mind then started to block out my dad's rambling.
My mind was spinning with the idea that I was rescued by a handsome prince of the lake, with silvery blond hair, and a well toned chest, wearing nothing but swim trunks. I was probably blushing at this point, but then again, I blushed easily. Not that I was shy or anything, but always being a good 5 to 10 pounds over weight kept me from having a boyfriend and in turn, I was probably the only virgin left in my school. I was even sure that my demon spawn sisters, who were not old enough to have sex, might have had gotten to third base with boys at summer camp.
I was off in a fantasy world, thinking that maybe a boy had rescued me because he thought I was pretty. I was soon thrown back into reality though when I noticed my dad was still talking.
“He then said something about having to go after we swept the hair out of your face, and he just ran off. Maybe he recognized you from school or something and was embarrassed at the idea of being a hero and ran off before you could see him.” Or he recognized me and thought 'oh no, it's Chubby Pie! I better get out of here before someone knows I saved her from drowning.' That was more likely. I doubt that any of the boys in my school would care one way or another if I had died over the summer break.
I got up from the cot and walked out of the station and into the brilliant sun light. It danced on the water much like a ballerina on a mirrored stage. Sabrina was right outside the door.
“I'm sorry Pi.” She said, in the most sincere tone I've ever heard her talk in. “We only meant to startle you, not for you to actually go over the side.” I actually believed her for once.
“It's ok Sabrina. I'm not hurt.” For the first time since we were little she hugged me. I noticed that her left pigtail had come upbraided. “Do you want me to fix your braid?” She nodded. I think she was actually holding back tears and if she spoke, she might cry. Her mother only ever scolded the two girls if she caught them crying. With how much trouble they usually caused for me, I always forgot that my evil step mom was wicked to them too, but only when they cried. She's truly a horrid woman. I sat down on the rocky beach and Sabrina sat in my lap and I braided her hair back into place. Besides Sabrina being the more sensitive one, most people kept tabs on which one was which by their hair style. Sabrina usually wore hers in some kind of braid. Today it was two looped braided pigtails, but normally she wore it in a golden haloed braid much like Prime Minister Yulia. Tabitha though, almost always wore her hair down. The most I have ever seen her do with her hair is put in a head band.
After I finished her braid, she ran off to find her sister. Me forgiving her earlier, probably only prompted her to seek out new pranks to pull on me once school started. I already knew that they'd have no problems chumming up to the popular kids. Only another reminder on what a loser I was.
Cheer leader try outs are a week away, and school starts only a few days after. The summer break isn't even over and I wish I had drowned.
I'll tell you what gives. My friend Robin Pierce and myself are going to write the world's worst novel and we want you all to be able to read it. This was brought about because there are some truly horridly written books out there and it has made their authors rich and well known. So this must honestly be the best way to get rich quick. Write a horrible novel and then market it towards Teens.
Binny and I won't seriously be sending this off to any publisher or anything (as far as I know), but we're amused by this brilliant plan anyways. If you feel that a book you love is being mocked, well sorry, it probably is. We're planning on mocking poorly written books that we hate, dislike, feel indifferent towards and love. We're taking elements that are often poorly done, like First Person, Fantasy, Romance, Dues Ex Machina and just cramming them all in there. We will be doing it tag team style, so once one of us gets stuck, we'll pass it on to the other one. I will try to remember when ever Binny does a post of it, to link it in my next post so that everyone is getting everything.
Also, if you know any horrible writing habits, cliches, or what not, feel free to suggest them in the comments. If you see a line in the writting that could be worse, let us know. We want this story to be god awful.
Any comments stating that the novel/writing/plot is horrible will be taken as a compliment since that is our goal. So without further ado, I present to you DUSK by CJ Burgandy and Robin Pierce.
God I hated boating, but my horrible dad made us go every single year. Says it reminds him of my real mother. That always makes my mean step mom mad. Dad would tell fantasy stories, telling me my mom was a beautiful mermaid, with beautiful long hair that called to mind unicorns prancing in dew-dropped forest clearings, and golden eyes that glistened with love when she looked at him, and teeth that sparkled in their perfection, and that he seduced her after they met on a perfect night where the moon glistened off of the waves as they were crashing against the pearly white sands, and they made me. I loved that story when I was a little kid, but now I'm grown up. 17 year old high school girls don't believe in mermaids and witches and unicorns.
My wicked step mom liked to add to the story that then my mermaid mother then swam to shore one day and gave birth to an ugly fish and gave it to my dad as a wedding gift to him and her. When they went to cook the muddy slimy fish, the scum washed off in the pot and there I was. Isn't my evil step mom wonderful?
All I could think about is how cheer leading tryouts were a week away. I always tried out, but never made the squad. I was always too fat, dumpy and weak. My step mom practically starved me all summer so I could loose weight. I'm not even sure why I try out, other than to maybe get my step mom's approval. She never did forgive my dad for fathering me, and my real mom giving me to him on his wedding day.
I like to imagine that my real mom has flowing brown hair that glides in the wind like seaweed does in the water. My hair is a mousy brown and it's a frizzy mess, much like my dad's is. My little sisters both have pretty blond hair, like miniature super models. My horrible step mother says it's because they let her work her magic on them. Personally, I wouldn't let her touch my hair. She'd probably make it all fall out on purpose. I might not have a choice when we get back home. She claims that I'll only make the squad if I let her bleach my hair and straighten it. Even if she's right, I wish she'd let me go to a salon. She's way to cheap to actually spend any money on her abused step-daughter. It's going to be my senior year of high school. You'd think by now I could have a proper hair style.
“Pisces, get over here, I want to get a family photo with the mountain lake behind us.” My mom left me two things before she vanished. A conch shell and a really dumb name. I was born in late February and it's as if she couldn't think of a better name than my Zodiac sign. The rest of my family has totally normal names. Dad's name is Bob, my wicked step mother's name is Morgan and her twin spawns are Sabrina and Tabitha. If only they had waited another year to birth out the devilish duo, I wouldn't be having to spend my last chance at high school with them being Freshmen. “Pisces, right NOW!”
“Coming dad, sheesh.” Dad dinked around with the timer on his camera as the rest of us gathered on the railing of the boat.
“Hey Sab, think Pi should be wearing her life vest?”
“Probably Tab, but would it be enough to save her from sharks if she fell in?”
“You two dolts know that there aren't any sharks in here. It's a lake for crying out loud!”
“Pisces!” My step mom interrupted. “Stop calling your sisters names.” The terrible twins just stuck their tongues out at me while Morgan wasn't looking. Why bother telling her about it. She always took their sides anyway.
“Ok girls, One...Two...Th-” I never heard my dad say Three. My evil half sisters had pushed me off the side of the boat. I started to sink into the cold lake water, struggling to break the surface of the water to breathe. I can't swim though. In a panic I let out a gasp, loosing what little air in my lungs I had. I bet those brats will say they slipped or I slipped. Even if I die, they wouldn't get punished for it. If there were really Mermaids in the world, I would be saved. Mermaids though, are fairy tales. My mother wasn't a mermaid, she wasn't mythical.
As the cold water started to blacken, I felt a manly grip around me. For a moment, I thought I saw brilliant blond hair, almost silver, but I know I was imagining it. I was certain that it was my dad who had a hold of me. As horrible as he is, I know he wouldn't let me die. All the world went black as I passed out.
I woke up a few hours later in a first aid station on the beach. My dad and was there, Morgan and the spawns of Satan were no where to be seen.
“I'm so sorry Pisces. I shouldn't of had you sit on the boat's railing. I know you can't swim.” My dad's mousy features looked so sad when he apologized. Normally I only saw that look when he was apologizing to Morgan for something I had done. Even though, normally, it was for something I was getting blamed for, not actually done.
“It's okay dad. You did dive in and rescue me after all.” I smiled at him. I wanted that pathetic look off his face.
“Oh. Umm, well, er, that is to say,” dad started to mumble to himself, as if I was giving him too much credit for saving my life. “That was, umm, well, that wasn't me Pisces. I was getting ready to jump over, honestly, but my life vest buckle was jammed and I wouldn't have been able to swim down and get you if I didn't get it off first, and then suddenly, this young man came swimming by and dived after you. Pretty good swimmer too. I bet he swims a lot. Didn't catch his name though. I was too much in a hurry to get you to the life guard station, get some of that CPR done up on you.” My mind then started to block out my dad's rambling.
My mind was spinning with the idea that I was rescued by a handsome prince of the lake, with silvery blond hair, and a well toned chest, wearing nothing but swim trunks. I was probably blushing at this point, but then again, I blushed easily. Not that I was shy or anything, but always being a good 5 to 10 pounds over weight kept me from having a boyfriend and in turn, I was probably the only virgin left in my school. I was even sure that my demon spawn sisters, who were not old enough to have sex, might have had gotten to third base with boys at summer camp.
I was off in a fantasy world, thinking that maybe a boy had rescued me because he thought I was pretty. I was soon thrown back into reality though when I noticed my dad was still talking.
“He then said something about having to go after we swept the hair out of your face, and he just ran off. Maybe he recognized you from school or something and was embarrassed at the idea of being a hero and ran off before you could see him.” Or he recognized me and thought 'oh no, it's Chubby Pie! I better get out of here before someone knows I saved her from drowning.' That was more likely. I doubt that any of the boys in my school would care one way or another if I had died over the summer break.
I got up from the cot and walked out of the station and into the brilliant sun light. It danced on the water much like a ballerina on a mirrored stage. Sabrina was right outside the door.
“I'm sorry Pi.” She said, in the most sincere tone I've ever heard her talk in. “We only meant to startle you, not for you to actually go over the side.” I actually believed her for once.
“It's ok Sabrina. I'm not hurt.” For the first time since we were little she hugged me. I noticed that her left pigtail had come upbraided. “Do you want me to fix your braid?” She nodded. I think she was actually holding back tears and if she spoke, she might cry. Her mother only ever scolded the two girls if she caught them crying. With how much trouble they usually caused for me, I always forgot that my evil step mom was wicked to them too, but only when they cried. She's truly a horrid woman. I sat down on the rocky beach and Sabrina sat in my lap and I braided her hair back into place. Besides Sabrina being the more sensitive one, most people kept tabs on which one was which by their hair style. Sabrina usually wore hers in some kind of braid. Today it was two looped braided pigtails, but normally she wore it in a golden haloed braid much like Prime Minister Yulia. Tabitha though, almost always wore her hair down. The most I have ever seen her do with her hair is put in a head band.
After I finished her braid, she ran off to find her sister. Me forgiving her earlier, probably only prompted her to seek out new pranks to pull on me once school started. I already knew that they'd have no problems chumming up to the popular kids. Only another reminder on what a loser I was.
Cheer leader try outs are a week away, and school starts only a few days after. The summer break isn't even over and I wish I had drowned.