payback may be the bitch they say it is
I spent as much time on the phone with my mom today as I ever did living away. Finally much to my shame, she told me to stop worrying so much. Then she laughed and said now that the shoe was on the other foot, how badly did I feel for all the things I have made her worry about. I think that is highly unfair myself. I could hear my sister laughing in the background, and finally she told me to go take care of Dwayne and they would bring the baby back when he was well again. I am not entirely sure how to take that, I mean… I sit here and she is at a place that I trust more than anywhere in the world, and I still can not help but think about if she is okay, really okay without us. It is sort of crazy.
She has never slept anywhere without at least him if not the both of us. She was not very old before I just sort of ended up there every night anyway. Even before we really put a name on what we were or what we were doing, once I found out about her, I was there. And it got me thinking… how many nights my mom thought these same thoughts when I was not anywhere safe, when no one was taking care of me, when someone was hurting me, or I was doing incredibly stupid things, and how much she worried. And I almost wanted to call her back… and then realized I had no idea what I would say if I did.
And then I got all caught up in shopping online for soup mix, and well you never really come back to original thoughts after you start down a path like that. My step father ended up coming over and he had some goodies for Dwayne and for me. Me and him ended up sitting out back and having a couple of beer together and just talking. Not even about anything important to start, with me and him, I do not think that is the point, just that we were doing it. He did not stay long but it was nice.
Once he was gone, I checked to make sure my order would be getting here tomorrow, and then went upstairs to check on Dwayne. He was nearly awake enough to eat a little of the food she had sent and to drink some tea at least, but mostly he just lay with his head in my lap and babbled a little incoherently to me for a nice part of the night. I liked it though, I feel like we share a lot. A lot more than I have ever shared with anyone before, and yet this, just seemed so much more intimate and so much… just more that I just wanted to soak up as much of it as I could. Even after he did fall asleep again, I stayed there, playing with his hair a little, but mostly just letting him sleep. I bet his mom had just as many worries about him as mine has had, and I wonder if he thinks about how many we are going to have as time passes. It is a lot to think about, and sort of scary, but I am looking forward to it all with the both of them.
[ disclaimer ]
She has never slept anywhere without at least him if not the both of us. She was not very old before I just sort of ended up there every night anyway. Even before we really put a name on what we were or what we were doing, once I found out about her, I was there. And it got me thinking… how many nights my mom thought these same thoughts when I was not anywhere safe, when no one was taking care of me, when someone was hurting me, or I was doing incredibly stupid things, and how much she worried. And I almost wanted to call her back… and then realized I had no idea what I would say if I did.
And then I got all caught up in shopping online for soup mix, and well you never really come back to original thoughts after you start down a path like that. My step father ended up coming over and he had some goodies for Dwayne and for me. Me and him ended up sitting out back and having a couple of beer together and just talking. Not even about anything important to start, with me and him, I do not think that is the point, just that we were doing it. He did not stay long but it was nice.
Once he was gone, I checked to make sure my order would be getting here tomorrow, and then went upstairs to check on Dwayne. He was nearly awake enough to eat a little of the food she had sent and to drink some tea at least, but mostly he just lay with his head in my lap and babbled a little incoherently to me for a nice part of the night. I liked it though, I feel like we share a lot. A lot more than I have ever shared with anyone before, and yet this, just seemed so much more intimate and so much… just more that I just wanted to soak up as much of it as I could. Even after he did fall asleep again, I stayed there, playing with his hair a little, but mostly just letting him sleep. I bet his mom had just as many worries about him as mine has had, and I wonder if he thinks about how many we are going to have as time passes. It is a lot to think about, and sort of scary, but I am looking forward to it all with the both of them.
[ disclaimer ]