Contemplation
Yeah, I think I know what it is now. I think all the other dramas and keeping myself busy through the holiday season covered most of it but the subconcious was still feeling it. It is basically the fact that I have only had 1 relationship in my life that lasted 3 months. Started trying to pay attention to random thoughts going through my mind to see what pattern there was. Then started to see it. It is about not having someone to truly care about in that relationship type of way during the holidays. Have never had it happen and always wanted to know how it would feel.
Now the next part I will seriously hit anyone that makes fun of it but I think this is a good part of it. Basically, even as tough I will be on the exterior and in situations where I need to be there is that other part. I know it is not hidden that I do have a caring side. That is for truth. But basically as it is there is as lot of romance in me. I think it is finally coming to the point where I want to express it or else I will explode type of thing. Granted, some of my lady friends I tend to do thoughtful things and try to get some of it out by doing special things for them. That and/or helping their boyfriends to do special things for them. It is my only outlet to express that part of myself. And I can't express that to guy friends being they are all straight and that would be kind of weird. Although I am quite certain that my caring comes out to my guy friends too from time to time.
So yeah, I just want to know what those little things feel like again. The little things that people take for granted and perhaps sometime in the future I may too. But those things like waking up next to someone. Being with someone you care for and they care for you. Knowing on the holidays that I can survive off of a hug, a hug of knowing that person will be with you and share your lives together is enough and better than any gift that can be given at the holidays. To be able to just go out and walk together anywhere. Not for where you are going but for whom you are going with. Want to hold someone long and know they want to hold me as long.
Silly as it seems but I have a collection of things. Things that I thought were special. Somethings for a guy, somethings for a female, depending on which way my life turns out. But basically things I always wanted to give romantically. Collected for a couple of years now. However, they are all in a box just gathering dust. Then I run into the box and remember and get that special feeling and want to give. But there is no where to give. No one to give to. So yeah, I think it is just frustration for me right now. So many happy couples I am around during the special season and in how many years, besides one relationship of pain, my life has not changed in that direction.
Now the next part I will seriously hit anyone that makes fun of it but I think this is a good part of it. Basically, even as tough I will be on the exterior and in situations where I need to be there is that other part. I know it is not hidden that I do have a caring side. That is for truth. But basically as it is there is as lot of romance in me. I think it is finally coming to the point where I want to express it or else I will explode type of thing. Granted, some of my lady friends I tend to do thoughtful things and try to get some of it out by doing special things for them. That and/or helping their boyfriends to do special things for them. It is my only outlet to express that part of myself. And I can't express that to guy friends being they are all straight and that would be kind of weird. Although I am quite certain that my caring comes out to my guy friends too from time to time.
So yeah, I just want to know what those little things feel like again. The little things that people take for granted and perhaps sometime in the future I may too. But those things like waking up next to someone. Being with someone you care for and they care for you. Knowing on the holidays that I can survive off of a hug, a hug of knowing that person will be with you and share your lives together is enough and better than any gift that can be given at the holidays. To be able to just go out and walk together anywhere. Not for where you are going but for whom you are going with. Want to hold someone long and know they want to hold me as long.
Silly as it seems but I have a collection of things. Things that I thought were special. Somethings for a guy, somethings for a female, depending on which way my life turns out. But basically things I always wanted to give romantically. Collected for a couple of years now. However, they are all in a box just gathering dust. Then I run into the box and remember and get that special feeling and want to give. But there is no where to give. No one to give to. So yeah, I think it is just frustration for me right now. So many happy couples I am around during the special season and in how many years, besides one relationship of pain, my life has not changed in that direction.