Yay for overactive brains and annoying Decepticons. :p
I had one of those nights last night where my brain just refused to shut down. I don't know why. I think part of the reason was that it rained through the night. I used to find that sound soothing, when I lived back East, because it was so common. But I've gotten used to living out here, where rain through the night is decidedly not normal. So I stayed awake marveling that it was raining for hours...and then my brain just started thinking about other stuff. I guess it figured that I was awake anyway, so it might as well chew on some stuff. This kind of thing used to happen to me all the time, but it hasn't happened lately. When it used to happen, it would usually happen for days on end. I really hope this isn't the start of a run of insomnia. :P
But at least I wasn't thinking about anything bad, really. In the past, I would often spend sleepless nights deep in a pit of self-recrimination, but it wasn't like that last night. I started out thinking about people I'm holding grudges against -- some of them really ridiculous -- that I need to let go of in much the same way that I need to let go of my underlying anger issues that I talked about a little while ago.
I think the overall problem with me and grudges is that I remember things. In particular, I remember things that people say that cause me to heap guilt and remorse on myself or things that hurt me even if the person probably didn't mean to hurt me at all. I mean, I can clearly remember hurtful things that people (my mother and father, in particular) said to me when I was, like, three. I remember my second-grade teacher telling my mother at a parent/teacher conference that I was a freak. (And I was. For just one example, I was obsessively reading Shakespeare at the time and tended to speak in quasi-Elizabethan-style English because of it.) I clearly remember her saying that she didn't know what to do with me because on the one hand I was reading beyond college level but on the other hand, I had no social skills to speak of, couldn't deal with kids my own age or, pretty much, anyone else. All of which was true, and as an adult (and an ex-teacher myself) I can understand her frustration in having to deal with and try to teach a kid who certainly didn't fit anywhere and who had a bad habit of correcting her when it came to history, with which I was already obsessed. (She was the one I picked bones with about why we celebrate Columbus Day in the US, for instance.)
Looking back, I acknowledge that I was a freak then and that I still am a freak in more ways than one. But she used the word "freak" within my earshot, and I still clearly remember how much that hurt. And to this day, I still bear a grudge against her. My second-grade teacher. Sister Amelia, her name was. I'm sure she's dead now because she was pretty old, probably in her 60s, when she was my teacher 30-some years ago. So, I'm holding a grudge against a dead woman. A dead nun, no less. All because of one thing she said that I overheard. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And let's not even go into the people -- Well, single person, really -- that I hold a grudge against within the TF fandom. Because that grudge is way beyond stupid, and I really need to let it go. Especially because that particular grudge is the one that got me started thinking about grudges in general, thus losing a couple of hours of sleep. Dumb.
But anyway, that line of thinking didn't last too long, when all was said and done. Maybe an hour or so. And then I think I actually slept for a little bit, because I have no recollection of manically staring at the clock between about 12:45 and 1:45. No, I'll tell you who the main culprit behind my insomnia was.
That would be Skywarp, the brat. He started poking at my brain at about 2:00 AM and he didn't let up until about 5AM. Which is about when Josiah decided to get up and wander around the house, feed the dog, flash the bathroom light across the hall from my bedroom on and off half a dozen times in the span of about twenty minutes, etc. So, that ended any chance of sleeping. Anyway, Skywarp shuffling around in my cranial neurons wouldn't have been so bad if it had been useful shuffling. But it wasn't. He insisted on musing about stuff that happens so far ahead in mine and Frosty's strange little continuity that it's not even worth it to think about it at this point in time...even though it is a fun bit. And what I was thinking of was good stuff that, regrettably, I likely will not remember when I do need it. But it wasn't useful stuff now. Certainly not useful enough to make it worth losing half a night's sleep over. :p
I tried to make him go away. I even pulled out some Buddhist meditation techniques, the ones that are supposed to facilitate the emptying of your mind. Nope, Skywarp was having none of that, thank you. He just dug in his heels and poked all the harder. I suppose I should have just caved and got out of bed and fired up the old laptop and written what he apparently wanted me to write. But I really didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to wake anyone/everyone else up, either. So I just gave up and let him babble in my head. But if he (or any other member of the ol' chorus who gets any bright ideas from his audacity) decides to show up tonight, that's what I'm going to do. I'll go out and torture them with bad, bright purple prose until they shut the heck up. :)
So here I am at work. For the moment, I am wide awake and thinking about lunch. But I know that at about 3PM or so, I'm going to be brain dead. And that's just about when I should be getting into doing construction loan draws requiring, like, heavy math and stuff. Plus, I have practicing to do tonight, dangit, since I didn't get to do any last night. *sigh*
Hey, ravenclaw_devi, you need to write some goop to wake me up/keep me awake. ;)
But at least I wasn't thinking about anything bad, really. In the past, I would often spend sleepless nights deep in a pit of self-recrimination, but it wasn't like that last night. I started out thinking about people I'm holding grudges against -- some of them really ridiculous -- that I need to let go of in much the same way that I need to let go of my underlying anger issues that I talked about a little while ago.
I think the overall problem with me and grudges is that I remember things. In particular, I remember things that people say that cause me to heap guilt and remorse on myself or things that hurt me even if the person probably didn't mean to hurt me at all. I mean, I can clearly remember hurtful things that people (my mother and father, in particular) said to me when I was, like, three. I remember my second-grade teacher telling my mother at a parent/teacher conference that I was a freak. (And I was. For just one example, I was obsessively reading Shakespeare at the time and tended to speak in quasi-Elizabethan-style English because of it.) I clearly remember her saying that she didn't know what to do with me because on the one hand I was reading beyond college level but on the other hand, I had no social skills to speak of, couldn't deal with kids my own age or, pretty much, anyone else. All of which was true, and as an adult (and an ex-teacher myself) I can understand her frustration in having to deal with and try to teach a kid who certainly didn't fit anywhere and who had a bad habit of correcting her when it came to history, with which I was already obsessed. (She was the one I picked bones with about why we celebrate Columbus Day in the US, for instance.)
Looking back, I acknowledge that I was a freak then and that I still am a freak in more ways than one. But she used the word "freak" within my earshot, and I still clearly remember how much that hurt. And to this day, I still bear a grudge against her. My second-grade teacher. Sister Amelia, her name was. I'm sure she's dead now because she was pretty old, probably in her 60s, when she was my teacher 30-some years ago. So, I'm holding a grudge against a dead woman. A dead nun, no less. All because of one thing she said that I overheard. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And let's not even go into the people -- Well, single person, really -- that I hold a grudge against within the TF fandom. Because that grudge is way beyond stupid, and I really need to let it go. Especially because that particular grudge is the one that got me started thinking about grudges in general, thus losing a couple of hours of sleep. Dumb.
But anyway, that line of thinking didn't last too long, when all was said and done. Maybe an hour or so. And then I think I actually slept for a little bit, because I have no recollection of manically staring at the clock between about 12:45 and 1:45. No, I'll tell you who the main culprit behind my insomnia was.
That would be Skywarp, the brat. He started poking at my brain at about 2:00 AM and he didn't let up until about 5AM. Which is about when Josiah decided to get up and wander around the house, feed the dog, flash the bathroom light across the hall from my bedroom on and off half a dozen times in the span of about twenty minutes, etc. So, that ended any chance of sleeping. Anyway, Skywarp shuffling around in my cranial neurons wouldn't have been so bad if it had been useful shuffling. But it wasn't. He insisted on musing about stuff that happens so far ahead in mine and Frosty's strange little continuity that it's not even worth it to think about it at this point in time...even though it is a fun bit. And what I was thinking of was good stuff that, regrettably, I likely will not remember when I do need it. But it wasn't useful stuff now. Certainly not useful enough to make it worth losing half a night's sleep over. :p
I tried to make him go away. I even pulled out some Buddhist meditation techniques, the ones that are supposed to facilitate the emptying of your mind. Nope, Skywarp was having none of that, thank you. He just dug in his heels and poked all the harder. I suppose I should have just caved and got out of bed and fired up the old laptop and written what he apparently wanted me to write. But I really didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to wake anyone/everyone else up, either. So I just gave up and let him babble in my head. But if he (or any other member of the ol' chorus who gets any bright ideas from his audacity) decides to show up tonight, that's what I'm going to do. I'll go out and torture them with bad, bright purple prose until they shut the heck up. :)
So here I am at work. For the moment, I am wide awake and thinking about lunch. But I know that at about 3PM or so, I'm going to be brain dead. And that's just about when I should be getting into doing construction loan draws requiring, like, heavy math and stuff. Plus, I have practicing to do tonight, dangit, since I didn't get to do any last night. *sigh*
Hey, ravenclaw_devi, you need to write some goop to wake me up/keep me awake. ;)