The Placebo Effect.
I'm endeavoring to do something I've always thought about, but never gotten all the way through.
Placebo is, I think even above HIM, my favorite band. Anyone who doesn't know that about me, doesn't know me very well at all. Yes, HIM is amazing and completely rocks my world and Ville is most definitely the most beautiful person I've ever encountered, but Placebo......they really relate. So I've always wanted to do a post about what every single Placebo song means to me, and how it's affected me. Since I'm insomniacal tonight, I figured I'd give it a go. Here is my chronicle of my love for those wonderfully talented men, who once vowed to leave a trail of blood and spunk across the country: my nancy boys, my centerfolds, my sweet princes, my meds.
ALBUM: PLACEBO
1) Come Home.
Currently, this one reminds me most of Elijah. He's kind of the glue that holds me together and I am very desperately afraid that without him around, I could so easily slip into some of my more...unsavory old favorite hobbies.
2) Teenage Angst.
This song makes me think of my last band, The Seven Lively Sins, because at every show we payed homage to Placebo by covering it. That, and the bass line is sexy. The song and the video for the song have always seemed to me the perfect expression of the stereotypical teenage angst. The video is a great collage of all the ways teens have rebelled, some of them silly and some of them more genuine. I suppose that's being a teenager, finding that sensible mix of experimentation, silliness, questioning, and the self. Plus, there's just the general discontent with the world, that seems to settle into everyone's boiling blood during the teenaged years.
3) Bionic.
Yeah, like we can't figure out what this one's about. Wanking! YAY FOR WANKING! This song is wonderful for sex or wanking. A tried and true fact.
4) 36 Degrees.
I actually prefer the softer sound they sometimes take with this one, as opposed to the manic original version on the first album. I think it suits the lyrics better, the feeling of loss and being spurned, and trying your best to just keep on and keep going and find some way of being comfortable again. It's a really vulnerable song, and I think we all have those moments of feeling so disturbed by the past, that you're wondering if it's worth putting yourself in the same vulnerable position again, for fear of getting fucked over again. I'd say it reminds me most of my old guitarist Eddie, who I was in a strange relationship with. I should've seen the inevitable way it ended a mile off, but "with hindsight, I was more than blind, lost without a clue." And life goes on.
5) Hang On To Your IQ.
We've all had those nights, when we're so drunk and stoned and talking complete babble, and then in one moment of clarity you go, "Oh, my god, I can't keep doing this. I am so completely alone." And of course, you'll go back to being drunk and stoned the next night, in order to chase away the cold dawn of that moment of clarity, to keep it from happening again. This song has always kind of relaxed me. I like it. It's subtly desperate.
6) Nancy Boy, and Nancy Boy (Sex Mix.)
An ode to true hedonism! I love this song because one of the live videos for it (from the Belfort festival) is what originally made me take notice of Stefan. The bridge just before the third verse is truly orgasmic, this rising, rising, rising of the notes and volume that could bring someone to orgasm just by listening to it. At least, that's what it's always done for me. ;-) Also, the video....Stefan needs to wear leather/latex/whatever the hell his outfit's made of, far more often.
And, yeah. I love that they called the slightly longer version of the song, the Sex Mix. It is, too. Can't even count how many I've shagged to that song, or how often. Hells to the yes.
7) I Know.
This one I've always liked, but disliked because I've been on the wrong side of it. I've been the one who's been with people for superficial reasons, loving "the song but not the singer." This one puts me in a morose mood, just because it makes me look at certain situations in the past and wish I'd gone about them just a bit differently.
8) Bruise Pristine.
Again, the crescendo of notes is orgasmic. I've always liked the lyrics to this one, as some of the phrases imply imagery that is so unnecessarily aesthetic, without real purpose. Surface without symbol, rather. Plus, um...there's a Top Of The Pops video of it, from 1997, where Brian's got on the smallest dress imaginable, and Stefan....Eep. Watching him thrust that bass around renders me absolutely speechless. Yeah, this is one of those Placebo songs I listen to for no other reason than it somehow just being really sexy. I won't lie.
9) Lady of the Flowers.
This song reminds me of several of my very strange ex-girlfriends.
10) Swallow.
I remember reading once that Stef and Brian were on acid when they made this one? Yeah. It shows. I've honestly never much liked it, unless I've been drunk or completely out of my mind on one drug or another. It's very erratic, and unsettling in the feeling that it just doesn't...fit. It's a song that isn't comfortable with itself, and that makes it terribly interesting, yet difficult to listen to.
11) Hidden Track!: H.K. Farewell.
This...is one of the most beautiful, soothing songs I've ever heard in my life. It's so dreamlike and hazy, and even though the beginning is a bit unsettling and the noises are somewhat worrisome, the guitar comes in so simply, so quietly...This gentle rising and falling...It's like a dream. I love falling asleep to it. There've been times when I've been very stressed out, and I skip to this track and just...float away. I'm always the better for it. The piano's like trickling rain. I cannot in any words express how pretty this song is, and maybe that's why they didn't put lyrics to it.
ALBUM: WITHOUT YOU, I'M NOTHING
1) Pure Morning.
Okay. It's been overplayed to shit. Every single Placebo fan will admit that they've heard it so many times that they can barely stand it anymore. And yet....we all still do love it, very much. There's something about the playful little guitar riff, and the lyrics that make us remember different friends that relate to each of the descriptions...It just works. It actually re-affirms every single one of one's friendships in their mind, when they smile at the things that jolt their memories. We will never sever, indeed.
2) Brick Shithouse.
This song is pure psychotic, mad, manic rage to me. It's spooky, because the way Brian described it....After Rebecca's suicide, I always could've imagined her saying these things to me, looking down at my lover after her passing. And Brian said the song is about a deceased an angry lover getting their message across in regards to their former lover's new relationship. It's kind of hard for me to deal with this song.
3) You Don't Care About Us.
I was falling in love with one of my best friends, during a hard time in my life, and perhaps I was placing too many demands on that person, emotionally. When he told me he didn't want to talk anymore, this song was what came to mind. It actually ended up that the reason he couldn't talk anymore had nothing to do with me, but the shock of him just...letting me go so easily, made this song the first one that popped into my head when it happened. So this song will always remind me of him.
4) Ask for Answers.
It's so pretty. So, so pretty. It's another hard song for me to deal with, because it reminds me so much of Rebecca and our relationship and the aftermath. So, yeah. Moving on.
5) Without You, I'm Nothing.
Okay, the guitarist I mentioned up by 36 Degrees. He and I didn't WANT to stop seeing each other. A chain of events just sort of made it a necessity. I remember we had our final conversation while watching the Placebo DVD, and this song was on while we shared our final hug. Although there are a few situations I could easily attribute it to since then, this song will always mean Eddie to me.
6) Allergic (To Thoughts of Mother Earth).
I've always loved this song. It's actually one of the first ones I learned on bass and can still remember. Lyrically, it's not a happy song. More drug-induced, inconspicuous desperation as only Brian Molko can curiously disguise it. And I love every word of it. And the drumming is absolutely phenomenal. Robert can go fuck himself; Steve is evidently God.
7) The Crawl.
Drunk, coming down heavily from a high, and evidently wouldn't be too surprised if a regretful death was imminent. That's what I get from this song. Musically, it's really simplistic, and lyrically...It's just sad.
8) Every You, Every Me.
Another one that's overplayed but we all still absolutely go apeshit for. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING AMAZING. There's so much material here to go into. It's such a wonderful portrait of....boredom leading to hedonism for the sake of hedonism. Why? 'Cause there's nothing else to do, every me and every you...
See?! You just CAN'T NOT sing along with this song!
Also, like another of my favorites, Brian clearly states the less appealing aspects of his personality traits, and doesn't stoop to cowardice or apologizing for it. He says he's selfish and unkind, and that's where it ends. He's saying 'This is me, fucking deal with it or piss off.' And that's what I love about that man.
9) My Sweet Prince.
The first gig my last band had, our guitarist was out of town, so Rebecca took over for her. We ended up playing this. I loved singing it. I loved copying Brian's gestures. I loved yelling "FUCK" really loudly in front of an audience. It was the same night that we played this, that I met the nancy boy I ended up leaving Rebecca for. I'm not saying I regret it, because regret's useless. Life just went the way it went and that's that. That's life. Ups and downs. But I read once that Brian wrote this either about or from the viewpoint of, a female friend who'd been in love with him and attempted suicide. So, I listen to this song pretty much only when I want to torture myself.
10) Summer's Gone.
I feel like this is the "One Song Glory" of Placebo, their version of expressing that inherent need of the rock star, to get out there, to break the mold, to make a difference before it's too late. And if you don't make it big, well, you can always sing to yourself, and that's okay, too.
11) Scared of Girls.
Okay, this song's title has always made me a bit sad, as it reminds me of Stefan being gay. Ahahahaha. Musically, this song is hot, pounding, explicit, adventurous...all the things one figures good sex to be! Brian again unapologetically tells us what he's about and looking for, and expects us to either go with it or fuck off. Brava!
12) Burger Queen.
This is one of those songs to listen to when you've pulled an all-nighter and are holding a pensive pose as you smoke a cigarette at sunrise. It's a song of confusion, exhaustion, and damn near deciding to just give up because it's all too confusing.
13) Hidden Track!: Evil Dildo.
I can't listen to it! This is just disturbing! I understand that this is Brian's - very healthy - way of dealing with this terrifying stalker leaving horrid voicemails on his machine. I can be proud of him for turning something really ugly, into art. But...damn. I don't think I've ever listened to this all the way through, to be honest, and I've had the CD for quite a few years now!
ALBUM: BLACK MARKET MUSIC
1) Taste In Men.
This is my anthem for every gay man I've ever been in love with. You'd think I'd have more to say about it than that, but no. It explains itself.
2) Days Before You Came.
I think of Elijah with this one. I was a right mess before he came into my life, more or less in direct compliance with the song's lyrics. Ah, well. We all have our moments.
3) Special K.
I've always thought this to be one of their most well-done songs. You can focus in on just the bass or just the guitar and hear something new with each listen, and put all together it's so...stunning, and fits so well. This song to me's kind of reminded me of those people that come into your life and within seeming minutes, dominate your world. They shine and sparkle and are oh-so-pretty and you're determined to keep them in your life, for at least a little while, and damn the consequences. Usually this means falling far too far for them and getting your heart broken, but...well. It was all worth it, wasn't it?
4) Spite and Malice.
This is where Placebo fans look like fools due to the sad attempt to rap. No, just kidding. I can rap, yo. No, also kidding. Okay, seriously. This song is just fucking fun. Again it's one that seems more like a collage than a song. Debauchery, illegality...dope, guns, fucking in the streets! Revolution!
5) Passive Aggressive.
I always like having this one on the highest possible volume on my headphones. The subtleties of the intro are a pretty detail. And Brian's voice, whether speaking or singing, is always so compelling. I think this song to be a surprisingly encouraging one, about being unncessarily at odds with a lover. You're almost attempting to give up hope on them, because the better you're doing the worse they seem to be doing, whether it's a jealousy or self-esteem thing...Kind of a Lestat/Nicolas relationship. But you want to help them, and you want them to let you in, so you can remind them that they can do anything they believe themselves capable of.
6) Black-Eyed.
Steve, you are the sex. Your drumming gives me drumgasms.
Now, this is my Placebo theme song. This has been my life since I was fourteen. I think Brian, whilst being far from a teenager at this point, still greatly understood the sort of teenage angst that could spur on a song such as this. I think it was still an extension of himself, and I'm sure marketing-wise he knew it would be a song to relate to almost every one of his fans. (Because, face it...you have to have issues to be a Placebo fan. S'just one of those things we've all come to accept and love each other for!) But, yeah. This is the big one where Brian throws his baggage on the table, and doesn't attempt to apologize for it. Driving down a highway with the windows down and singing along with this at the top of your lungs is a wonderful way to vent.
7) Blue American.
This is the quintessential blue American: unforgiving of their parents and past and yet wanting to seek shelter in both of those things, annoyed at the state of the political world, and showing a pretentious disregard for one's self when in reality, one wouldn't have written a song such as this if they weren't intelligent and worried enough about themself to recognize why all these things are unbalanced.
8) Slave to the Wage.
A knock at the corporate world. I remember Becca telling me this song was an inspiration to her, and she listened to it on the Greyhound all the way from Tennessee to Chicago the night she ran away. I could see that. Oh, Brian. You are wonderful.
9) Commercial for Levi.
Ohhhhh.....man. Where to begin.
Okay, so the first time I found this song, was the video of it, live at the MCM Cafe. It was New Year, 2004, I believe, and I'd never heard the song before. I watched the video about fifty times in a row. It's so perky, and has such a childish charm to it, and then the lyrics! It's lost innocence in a way that I've never heard or seen before.
As for the second part of my relations to this song....I'm sorry, I'm laughing too hard. Heheheheh. Levi. You'll just have to ask me in person. If I think about it now, I'm not sure whether I'll die laughing or someone else will die. (Let's just say, there once was this a little ashtray girl who in a fit of teenage angst wanted to be a nancy boy and it all broke down at the role reversal, and her/his/its name was Levi. I say any more than that and I'm so not going to be able to finish this.)
10) Haemoglobin.
I honestly have no fucking idea. I just think it's got a sexy beat, an interesting intro, and whenever it's done live, hearing Stefan sing is particularly attractive. But, yeah. I've never much dissected this one lyrically, and the one thing it does make me think about, really depresses me, so I'm leaving it alone.
11) Narcoleptic.
I think this one reminds me of all the friendships I've lost due to...well, all the traits mentioned in Black-Eyed. Most specifically, it reminds me of the days with Marty and the boys. That world really was the place for us to dream, until Marty and I were fighting over email...Nothing was really right after that. It was no longer the place for us to dream.
12) Peeping Tom.
Misplaced power, based on self-esteem issues and fears that just won't go away. Another very vulnerable, human, hungover dirge of desperation.
13) Without You, I'm Nothing with David Bowie.
Can't stand it. I'm sorry. Their voices just don't mesh well together. I do, however, enjoy Brian's eensy-weensy dress in the video. Hee!
14) I Feel You.
If you've got your headphones on too loud, this song will blast your eardrums out. In a good way! Brian does sound a bit more nasal than usual, but it's a damn good cover, with a lot of power in the instrumentation. For some reason this song just reminds me of riding the CTA with a nostalgic look on my face.
15) Hidden Track!: Black Market Blood.
This song is one that I've always loved. It's like my inner monologue when I know a frantic mental breakdown is mere hours away, and I'm likely to turn into a dazed and crazed Ophelia at any moment. Yep. Fun stuff. I think it's honestly been the constant background music, somewhere on a flickering radio just below my heartbeat, for the past, oh, two months and five days.
ALBUM: SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS
1) Bulletproof Cupid.
Boom boom ba da boom boom boom da doom....LET'S DANCE! WOOT!
2) English Summer Rain.
Cheery tune yet very lethargic lyrics. I used to sneak people into my room when I had a basement room, though, so the "I'm in the basement, you're in the sky...drop on by..." makes me remember that, and smile at my horrendously misspent youth. And the added lyrics...I dedicate them in my head and heart to my darling, beloved, dear honey-sweet boy:
"I can't sleep without your breathing,
And I can't breathe each time you're leaving.
And I pray you won't stay away,
And you'll come back to me someday..."
3) This Picture.
I remember when the video was released and watching it over and over and over and over and over and over again. This is one of my absolute favorites. It reminds me of both Rebecca, and the advice my ex-girlfriend Kristin gives me to this day, to beware this troubled world. I think of her a lot with this song, actually. She used to be my partner in groupie crime and I think we both mourn that she's in college far, far away and we have little opportunity to indulge in our old hijinks together.
4) Sleeping With Ghosts.
This was a favorite of Rebecca's. Morbidly prophetic, this being one of her favorites. Ironically, with a certain connection to a certain violinist and someone else, I guess it's true. Soulmates never die.
5) The Bitter End.
Nostalgia, knowing just how ephemeral love can be, dreaming of the past...More dark desperation, set to a more upbeat sound. Love it, love it, love it.
6) Something Rotten.
This is the one Placebo song I can honestly say I DESPISE.
7) Plasticine.
Reminding us all in no uncertain terms that being yourself is beautiful. I've always thought, though, that they botched the mixing process. Brian's voice should be just a bit louder in relation to the instruments. But maybe that's just me. Awesome song, regardless.
8) Special Needs.
Another one that will always and forever remind me of Rebecca, and her final letter to me, telling me to chase my dreams, to be a rock star, to do all the things we said we'd do together, and to never forget her through all of it. The video for this one is...eerily beautiful. The seemingly-astral sex between the couple kept away from each other, is so beautiful and familiar to me. They did a fantastic job.
9) I'll Be Yours.
Another song for my darling Lijah.
10) Second Sight.
I see this song as beginning a relationship knowing exactly where/when/how/why it will end, and debating whether or not to leave it alone from the start, or jump in and take the chance knowing full well what will happen. With the majority of my relationships, I've self-sabotaged them from the beginning, out of fear of what could happen. The campy little addition of "Third verse, same as the first" lends a certainty to the idea that the relationship situation will indeed be the same every time.
11) Protect Me From What I Want.
This isn't so much the coming-down song, as it is the I'm-gonna-reach-for-that-baggie-full-of-powder-and-kinda-wish-somebody-would-stop-me song, or the I'll-fuck-you-and-hope-my-wife-doesn't-find-out-and-hey-why-isn't-your-conscience-jumping-in-and-hey-where-the-hell-is-my-conscience-anyway song. We all put ourselves into situations that we know will be trouble, all the while wishing we had the willpower to stop ourselves. And most often, we don't.
I like the French version better. I've actually been considering getting "Protege-moi des mes desirs" or however you spell it correctly, tattooed just below my Placebo wings tattoo.
12) Centrefolds.
A song that used to be for Rebecca, in vain. Now it's for Elijah. It makes me cry. A lot.
ALBUM: MEDS
1) Meds.
Trying to remember and re-affirm the good times, while diving headlong back into the bad times, without a relief in sight. Trying to remember whether or not it was all worth it.
2) Infra-Red.
This song I dedicate entirely to the person whose ass I'm really, really, REALLY dying to beat the shit out of. Someone call the ambulance, there's gonna be an accident....
3) Drag.
There are two people I know who seem to just...make everything work for them. Anything they attempt, they're good at. And most of those times, they're attempting things I'd like to attempt but am too shy to. So, this one's for them, because even though I'm fairly jealous of the traits that I lack, I think they're divine. :-)
4) Space Monkey.
This song is sort of a shaky, distorted re-hash of "Leni", which I never much liked to begin with. I'd like to give it a chance because despite its downfalls, lyrically, it has some genius moments. But I think it's my least favorite on this album, to the point where I skip over it every time.
5) Follow the Cops Back Home.
I can imagine myself twenty or thirty years down the line, either telling my kids crazy stories about the groupie days, or sitting in some poorly-lit bar, dragging on a cigarette, my entire body covered in tattoos and telling some eagerly listening drunk the same stories. I'm not sure which option's more likely, but we'll have to wait and see. This song makes me sad, because it has such a hint of lethargy and tedium to it, that it makes me fear Placebo may not be far from splitting up. Brian makes it sound like the glory days are now only stories, and the rest is mundane amusement and perfunctory, half-hearted rebellion. Sigh. A stroke of genius, despite the potential depression of it.
6) Post-Blue.
A song that shows you that two druggies can love each other. No, not really. Actually....yeah, it might be. Huh. The bass is sexy.
7) Because I Want You.
A promise from one lover to another that, despite it currently being a drunken, hazy hell...it will all get better. And if the listening lover believes that, they're a fool. No! Kidding! It's kind of inspiring, really.
8) Blind.
Another one for Elijah. "If I could tear you from the ceiling, I'd freeze us both in time and find a brand new way of seeing, your eyes forever glued to mine..."
9) Pierrot the Clown.
This song from the opening note puts me in a trance-like state of bittersweet nostalgia, and all those dreams we're afraid to let go of. But we don't have to let go of them. 'Pierrot' is an open invite for those dreams, or the people behind those dreams, to come and visit us when they get the chance, and maybe they'll rescue us. It's funny, how something can seem like complete shit while it's happening, and then when you look back on it, you miss it, because you're detached and can say, Well, that wasn't all THAT bad. And in some sick way, you want it back.
10) Broken Promise.
Ugly sentiments, anger, raging stupidly at things you may or may not be able to remedy through vengeance. A great way to vent, yes, but...Okay, another I'm dedicating to Levi. Heh. Sorry!
11) One of A Kind.
Coming to terms with the grass somehow always being greener, and yet finding comfort with yourself, despite other forces maybe trying to keep said comfort at a distance from you.
12) In the Cold Light of Morning.
Being homeless in NYC for three days! That's what this song reminds me of. Granted, I wasn't high, so it's not by-the-book relative to the lyrics, but the sentiment is the same. But, no, this song also reminds me of the many parties where I'd manage to trip into the bathroom wearing high heels, look at my face in the mirror, and drunkenly smile at my reflection, and wonder what the hell I had to smile about.
13) Song to Say Goodbye.
Someone's fucked you over and have been inconsistent and rude and thoughtless and somehow, you still want to save them when they've got nobody else. I don't know. I'm again picturing myself on the wrong side of this song, which...isn't exactly a good thing, per se. But I'm being honest.
OTHERS:
**Twenty Years.
It took me awhile to like this song. It wasn't an immediate love. Maybe because it was another one that worried me as to how long Placebo would remain together. I also used "doubt the trust" as my LJ name when unceremoniously 'dumped' by the friend I mentioned in 'You Don't Care About Us'
**I Do.
It's bordering on ridiculously happy, it's so secure and comfortable and hopelessly loving. It's amazing. And its bouncy music expresses that super-charged feeling of being with that one person every day, to the point of wanting to marry them, and yet every moment being new and exciting. It was described as Placebo's first real love song, and I have to agree with that. It's unlike anything they've done, and I think that's another part of its charm. Through the song we get to see a whole new side of Brian as a human, rather than Brian as Desperate And Depressed Emo Drunk Human. We get to see him happy, and I think that's what we really want, both for him, and for ourselves.
Well...that's that. Those are my musings, fangirl-isms, and painful realizations when it comes to the ways Placebo has affected me. I don't even care if I made a complete ass of myself in talking to Stefan, because it was an honest expression of how egregiously excited I was, just to be near them, and to be able to show them my appreciation for all they've done and are. I am as in love with them as I ever was, and never feel so at home as when I put in a Placebo CD. They've been with me through so much, and for that, I with all my 'bleeding heart' thank Steven Hewitt, Stefan Olsdal, and of course, the beautifully honest and fearlessly fearful Brian Molko.
Placebo is, I think even above HIM, my favorite band. Anyone who doesn't know that about me, doesn't know me very well at all. Yes, HIM is amazing and completely rocks my world and Ville is most definitely the most beautiful person I've ever encountered, but Placebo......they really relate. So I've always wanted to do a post about what every single Placebo song means to me, and how it's affected me. Since I'm insomniacal tonight, I figured I'd give it a go. Here is my chronicle of my love for those wonderfully talented men, who once vowed to leave a trail of blood and spunk across the country: my nancy boys, my centerfolds, my sweet princes, my meds.
ALBUM: PLACEBO
1) Come Home.
Currently, this one reminds me most of Elijah. He's kind of the glue that holds me together and I am very desperately afraid that without him around, I could so easily slip into some of my more...unsavory old favorite hobbies.
2) Teenage Angst.
This song makes me think of my last band, The Seven Lively Sins, because at every show we payed homage to Placebo by covering it. That, and the bass line is sexy. The song and the video for the song have always seemed to me the perfect expression of the stereotypical teenage angst. The video is a great collage of all the ways teens have rebelled, some of them silly and some of them more genuine. I suppose that's being a teenager, finding that sensible mix of experimentation, silliness, questioning, and the self. Plus, there's just the general discontent with the world, that seems to settle into everyone's boiling blood during the teenaged years.
3) Bionic.
Yeah, like we can't figure out what this one's about. Wanking! YAY FOR WANKING! This song is wonderful for sex or wanking. A tried and true fact.
4) 36 Degrees.
I actually prefer the softer sound they sometimes take with this one, as opposed to the manic original version on the first album. I think it suits the lyrics better, the feeling of loss and being spurned, and trying your best to just keep on and keep going and find some way of being comfortable again. It's a really vulnerable song, and I think we all have those moments of feeling so disturbed by the past, that you're wondering if it's worth putting yourself in the same vulnerable position again, for fear of getting fucked over again. I'd say it reminds me most of my old guitarist Eddie, who I was in a strange relationship with. I should've seen the inevitable way it ended a mile off, but "with hindsight, I was more than blind, lost without a clue." And life goes on.
5) Hang On To Your IQ.
We've all had those nights, when we're so drunk and stoned and talking complete babble, and then in one moment of clarity you go, "Oh, my god, I can't keep doing this. I am so completely alone." And of course, you'll go back to being drunk and stoned the next night, in order to chase away the cold dawn of that moment of clarity, to keep it from happening again. This song has always kind of relaxed me. I like it. It's subtly desperate.
6) Nancy Boy, and Nancy Boy (Sex Mix.)
An ode to true hedonism! I love this song because one of the live videos for it (from the Belfort festival) is what originally made me take notice of Stefan. The bridge just before the third verse is truly orgasmic, this rising, rising, rising of the notes and volume that could bring someone to orgasm just by listening to it. At least, that's what it's always done for me. ;-) Also, the video....Stefan needs to wear leather/latex/whatever the hell his outfit's made of, far more often.
And, yeah. I love that they called the slightly longer version of the song, the Sex Mix. It is, too. Can't even count how many I've shagged to that song, or how often. Hells to the yes.
7) I Know.
This one I've always liked, but disliked because I've been on the wrong side of it. I've been the one who's been with people for superficial reasons, loving "the song but not the singer." This one puts me in a morose mood, just because it makes me look at certain situations in the past and wish I'd gone about them just a bit differently.
8) Bruise Pristine.
Again, the crescendo of notes is orgasmic. I've always liked the lyrics to this one, as some of the phrases imply imagery that is so unnecessarily aesthetic, without real purpose. Surface without symbol, rather. Plus, um...there's a Top Of The Pops video of it, from 1997, where Brian's got on the smallest dress imaginable, and Stefan....Eep. Watching him thrust that bass around renders me absolutely speechless. Yeah, this is one of those Placebo songs I listen to for no other reason than it somehow just being really sexy. I won't lie.
9) Lady of the Flowers.
This song reminds me of several of my very strange ex-girlfriends.
10) Swallow.
I remember reading once that Stef and Brian were on acid when they made this one? Yeah. It shows. I've honestly never much liked it, unless I've been drunk or completely out of my mind on one drug or another. It's very erratic, and unsettling in the feeling that it just doesn't...fit. It's a song that isn't comfortable with itself, and that makes it terribly interesting, yet difficult to listen to.
11) Hidden Track!: H.K. Farewell.
This...is one of the most beautiful, soothing songs I've ever heard in my life. It's so dreamlike and hazy, and even though the beginning is a bit unsettling and the noises are somewhat worrisome, the guitar comes in so simply, so quietly...This gentle rising and falling...It's like a dream. I love falling asleep to it. There've been times when I've been very stressed out, and I skip to this track and just...float away. I'm always the better for it. The piano's like trickling rain. I cannot in any words express how pretty this song is, and maybe that's why they didn't put lyrics to it.
ALBUM: WITHOUT YOU, I'M NOTHING
1) Pure Morning.
Okay. It's been overplayed to shit. Every single Placebo fan will admit that they've heard it so many times that they can barely stand it anymore. And yet....we all still do love it, very much. There's something about the playful little guitar riff, and the lyrics that make us remember different friends that relate to each of the descriptions...It just works. It actually re-affirms every single one of one's friendships in their mind, when they smile at the things that jolt their memories. We will never sever, indeed.
2) Brick Shithouse.
This song is pure psychotic, mad, manic rage to me. It's spooky, because the way Brian described it....After Rebecca's suicide, I always could've imagined her saying these things to me, looking down at my lover after her passing. And Brian said the song is about a deceased an angry lover getting their message across in regards to their former lover's new relationship. It's kind of hard for me to deal with this song.
3) You Don't Care About Us.
I was falling in love with one of my best friends, during a hard time in my life, and perhaps I was placing too many demands on that person, emotionally. When he told me he didn't want to talk anymore, this song was what came to mind. It actually ended up that the reason he couldn't talk anymore had nothing to do with me, but the shock of him just...letting me go so easily, made this song the first one that popped into my head when it happened. So this song will always remind me of him.
4) Ask for Answers.
It's so pretty. So, so pretty. It's another hard song for me to deal with, because it reminds me so much of Rebecca and our relationship and the aftermath. So, yeah. Moving on.
5) Without You, I'm Nothing.
Okay, the guitarist I mentioned up by 36 Degrees. He and I didn't WANT to stop seeing each other. A chain of events just sort of made it a necessity. I remember we had our final conversation while watching the Placebo DVD, and this song was on while we shared our final hug. Although there are a few situations I could easily attribute it to since then, this song will always mean Eddie to me.
6) Allergic (To Thoughts of Mother Earth).
I've always loved this song. It's actually one of the first ones I learned on bass and can still remember. Lyrically, it's not a happy song. More drug-induced, inconspicuous desperation as only Brian Molko can curiously disguise it. And I love every word of it. And the drumming is absolutely phenomenal. Robert can go fuck himself; Steve is evidently God.
7) The Crawl.
Drunk, coming down heavily from a high, and evidently wouldn't be too surprised if a regretful death was imminent. That's what I get from this song. Musically, it's really simplistic, and lyrically...It's just sad.
8) Every You, Every Me.
Another one that's overplayed but we all still absolutely go apeshit for. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING AMAZING. There's so much material here to go into. It's such a wonderful portrait of....boredom leading to hedonism for the sake of hedonism. Why? 'Cause there's nothing else to do, every me and every you...
See?! You just CAN'T NOT sing along with this song!
Also, like another of my favorites, Brian clearly states the less appealing aspects of his personality traits, and doesn't stoop to cowardice or apologizing for it. He says he's selfish and unkind, and that's where it ends. He's saying 'This is me, fucking deal with it or piss off.' And that's what I love about that man.
9) My Sweet Prince.
The first gig my last band had, our guitarist was out of town, so Rebecca took over for her. We ended up playing this. I loved singing it. I loved copying Brian's gestures. I loved yelling "FUCK" really loudly in front of an audience. It was the same night that we played this, that I met the nancy boy I ended up leaving Rebecca for. I'm not saying I regret it, because regret's useless. Life just went the way it went and that's that. That's life. Ups and downs. But I read once that Brian wrote this either about or from the viewpoint of, a female friend who'd been in love with him and attempted suicide. So, I listen to this song pretty much only when I want to torture myself.
10) Summer's Gone.
I feel like this is the "One Song Glory" of Placebo, their version of expressing that inherent need of the rock star, to get out there, to break the mold, to make a difference before it's too late. And if you don't make it big, well, you can always sing to yourself, and that's okay, too.
11) Scared of Girls.
Okay, this song's title has always made me a bit sad, as it reminds me of Stefan being gay. Ahahahaha. Musically, this song is hot, pounding, explicit, adventurous...all the things one figures good sex to be! Brian again unapologetically tells us what he's about and looking for, and expects us to either go with it or fuck off. Brava!
12) Burger Queen.
This is one of those songs to listen to when you've pulled an all-nighter and are holding a pensive pose as you smoke a cigarette at sunrise. It's a song of confusion, exhaustion, and damn near deciding to just give up because it's all too confusing.
13) Hidden Track!: Evil Dildo.
I can't listen to it! This is just disturbing! I understand that this is Brian's - very healthy - way of dealing with this terrifying stalker leaving horrid voicemails on his machine. I can be proud of him for turning something really ugly, into art. But...damn. I don't think I've ever listened to this all the way through, to be honest, and I've had the CD for quite a few years now!
ALBUM: BLACK MARKET MUSIC
1) Taste In Men.
This is my anthem for every gay man I've ever been in love with. You'd think I'd have more to say about it than that, but no. It explains itself.
2) Days Before You Came.
I think of Elijah with this one. I was a right mess before he came into my life, more or less in direct compliance with the song's lyrics. Ah, well. We all have our moments.
3) Special K.
I've always thought this to be one of their most well-done songs. You can focus in on just the bass or just the guitar and hear something new with each listen, and put all together it's so...stunning, and fits so well. This song to me's kind of reminded me of those people that come into your life and within seeming minutes, dominate your world. They shine and sparkle and are oh-so-pretty and you're determined to keep them in your life, for at least a little while, and damn the consequences. Usually this means falling far too far for them and getting your heart broken, but...well. It was all worth it, wasn't it?
4) Spite and Malice.
This is where Placebo fans look like fools due to the sad attempt to rap. No, just kidding. I can rap, yo. No, also kidding. Okay, seriously. This song is just fucking fun. Again it's one that seems more like a collage than a song. Debauchery, illegality...dope, guns, fucking in the streets! Revolution!
5) Passive Aggressive.
I always like having this one on the highest possible volume on my headphones. The subtleties of the intro are a pretty detail. And Brian's voice, whether speaking or singing, is always so compelling. I think this song to be a surprisingly encouraging one, about being unncessarily at odds with a lover. You're almost attempting to give up hope on them, because the better you're doing the worse they seem to be doing, whether it's a jealousy or self-esteem thing...Kind of a Lestat/Nicolas relationship. But you want to help them, and you want them to let you in, so you can remind them that they can do anything they believe themselves capable of.
6) Black-Eyed.
Steve, you are the sex. Your drumming gives me drumgasms.
Now, this is my Placebo theme song. This has been my life since I was fourteen. I think Brian, whilst being far from a teenager at this point, still greatly understood the sort of teenage angst that could spur on a song such as this. I think it was still an extension of himself, and I'm sure marketing-wise he knew it would be a song to relate to almost every one of his fans. (Because, face it...you have to have issues to be a Placebo fan. S'just one of those things we've all come to accept and love each other for!) But, yeah. This is the big one where Brian throws his baggage on the table, and doesn't attempt to apologize for it. Driving down a highway with the windows down and singing along with this at the top of your lungs is a wonderful way to vent.
7) Blue American.
This is the quintessential blue American: unforgiving of their parents and past and yet wanting to seek shelter in both of those things, annoyed at the state of the political world, and showing a pretentious disregard for one's self when in reality, one wouldn't have written a song such as this if they weren't intelligent and worried enough about themself to recognize why all these things are unbalanced.
8) Slave to the Wage.
A knock at the corporate world. I remember Becca telling me this song was an inspiration to her, and she listened to it on the Greyhound all the way from Tennessee to Chicago the night she ran away. I could see that. Oh, Brian. You are wonderful.
9) Commercial for Levi.
Ohhhhh.....man. Where to begin.
Okay, so the first time I found this song, was the video of it, live at the MCM Cafe. It was New Year, 2004, I believe, and I'd never heard the song before. I watched the video about fifty times in a row. It's so perky, and has such a childish charm to it, and then the lyrics! It's lost innocence in a way that I've never heard or seen before.
As for the second part of my relations to this song....I'm sorry, I'm laughing too hard. Heheheheh. Levi. You'll just have to ask me in person. If I think about it now, I'm not sure whether I'll die laughing or someone else will die. (Let's just say, there once was this a little ashtray girl who in a fit of teenage angst wanted to be a nancy boy and it all broke down at the role reversal, and her/his/its name was Levi. I say any more than that and I'm so not going to be able to finish this.)
10) Haemoglobin.
I honestly have no fucking idea. I just think it's got a sexy beat, an interesting intro, and whenever it's done live, hearing Stefan sing is particularly attractive. But, yeah. I've never much dissected this one lyrically, and the one thing it does make me think about, really depresses me, so I'm leaving it alone.
11) Narcoleptic.
I think this one reminds me of all the friendships I've lost due to...well, all the traits mentioned in Black-Eyed. Most specifically, it reminds me of the days with Marty and the boys. That world really was the place for us to dream, until Marty and I were fighting over email...Nothing was really right after that. It was no longer the place for us to dream.
12) Peeping Tom.
Misplaced power, based on self-esteem issues and fears that just won't go away. Another very vulnerable, human, hungover dirge of desperation.
13) Without You, I'm Nothing with David Bowie.
Can't stand it. I'm sorry. Their voices just don't mesh well together. I do, however, enjoy Brian's eensy-weensy dress in the video. Hee!
14) I Feel You.
If you've got your headphones on too loud, this song will blast your eardrums out. In a good way! Brian does sound a bit more nasal than usual, but it's a damn good cover, with a lot of power in the instrumentation. For some reason this song just reminds me of riding the CTA with a nostalgic look on my face.
15) Hidden Track!: Black Market Blood.
This song is one that I've always loved. It's like my inner monologue when I know a frantic mental breakdown is mere hours away, and I'm likely to turn into a dazed and crazed Ophelia at any moment. Yep. Fun stuff. I think it's honestly been the constant background music, somewhere on a flickering radio just below my heartbeat, for the past, oh, two months and five days.
ALBUM: SLEEPING WITH GHOSTS
1) Bulletproof Cupid.
Boom boom ba da boom boom boom da doom....LET'S DANCE! WOOT!
2) English Summer Rain.
Cheery tune yet very lethargic lyrics. I used to sneak people into my room when I had a basement room, though, so the "I'm in the basement, you're in the sky...drop on by..." makes me remember that, and smile at my horrendously misspent youth. And the added lyrics...I dedicate them in my head and heart to my darling, beloved, dear honey-sweet boy:
"I can't sleep without your breathing,
And I can't breathe each time you're leaving.
And I pray you won't stay away,
And you'll come back to me someday..."
3) This Picture.
I remember when the video was released and watching it over and over and over and over and over and over again. This is one of my absolute favorites. It reminds me of both Rebecca, and the advice my ex-girlfriend Kristin gives me to this day, to beware this troubled world. I think of her a lot with this song, actually. She used to be my partner in groupie crime and I think we both mourn that she's in college far, far away and we have little opportunity to indulge in our old hijinks together.
4) Sleeping With Ghosts.
This was a favorite of Rebecca's. Morbidly prophetic, this being one of her favorites. Ironically, with a certain connection to a certain violinist and someone else, I guess it's true. Soulmates never die.
5) The Bitter End.
Nostalgia, knowing just how ephemeral love can be, dreaming of the past...More dark desperation, set to a more upbeat sound. Love it, love it, love it.
6) Something Rotten.
This is the one Placebo song I can honestly say I DESPISE.
7) Plasticine.
Reminding us all in no uncertain terms that being yourself is beautiful. I've always thought, though, that they botched the mixing process. Brian's voice should be just a bit louder in relation to the instruments. But maybe that's just me. Awesome song, regardless.
8) Special Needs.
Another one that will always and forever remind me of Rebecca, and her final letter to me, telling me to chase my dreams, to be a rock star, to do all the things we said we'd do together, and to never forget her through all of it. The video for this one is...eerily beautiful. The seemingly-astral sex between the couple kept away from each other, is so beautiful and familiar to me. They did a fantastic job.
9) I'll Be Yours.
Another song for my darling Lijah.
10) Second Sight.
I see this song as beginning a relationship knowing exactly where/when/how/why it will end, and debating whether or not to leave it alone from the start, or jump in and take the chance knowing full well what will happen. With the majority of my relationships, I've self-sabotaged them from the beginning, out of fear of what could happen. The campy little addition of "Third verse, same as the first" lends a certainty to the idea that the relationship situation will indeed be the same every time.
11) Protect Me From What I Want.
This isn't so much the coming-down song, as it is the I'm-gonna-reach-for-that-baggie-full-of-powder-and-kinda-wish-somebody-would-stop-me song, or the I'll-fuck-you-and-hope-my-wife-doesn't-find-out-and-hey-why-isn't-your-conscience-jumping-in-and-hey-where-the-hell-is-my-conscience-anyway song. We all put ourselves into situations that we know will be trouble, all the while wishing we had the willpower to stop ourselves. And most often, we don't.
I like the French version better. I've actually been considering getting "Protege-moi des mes desirs" or however you spell it correctly, tattooed just below my Placebo wings tattoo.
12) Centrefolds.
A song that used to be for Rebecca, in vain. Now it's for Elijah. It makes me cry. A lot.
ALBUM: MEDS
1) Meds.
Trying to remember and re-affirm the good times, while diving headlong back into the bad times, without a relief in sight. Trying to remember whether or not it was all worth it.
2) Infra-Red.
This song I dedicate entirely to the person whose ass I'm really, really, REALLY dying to beat the shit out of. Someone call the ambulance, there's gonna be an accident....
3) Drag.
There are two people I know who seem to just...make everything work for them. Anything they attempt, they're good at. And most of those times, they're attempting things I'd like to attempt but am too shy to. So, this one's for them, because even though I'm fairly jealous of the traits that I lack, I think they're divine. :-)
4) Space Monkey.
This song is sort of a shaky, distorted re-hash of "Leni", which I never much liked to begin with. I'd like to give it a chance because despite its downfalls, lyrically, it has some genius moments. But I think it's my least favorite on this album, to the point where I skip over it every time.
5) Follow the Cops Back Home.
I can imagine myself twenty or thirty years down the line, either telling my kids crazy stories about the groupie days, or sitting in some poorly-lit bar, dragging on a cigarette, my entire body covered in tattoos and telling some eagerly listening drunk the same stories. I'm not sure which option's more likely, but we'll have to wait and see. This song makes me sad, because it has such a hint of lethargy and tedium to it, that it makes me fear Placebo may not be far from splitting up. Brian makes it sound like the glory days are now only stories, and the rest is mundane amusement and perfunctory, half-hearted rebellion. Sigh. A stroke of genius, despite the potential depression of it.
6) Post-Blue.
A song that shows you that two druggies can love each other. No, not really. Actually....yeah, it might be. Huh. The bass is sexy.
7) Because I Want You.
A promise from one lover to another that, despite it currently being a drunken, hazy hell...it will all get better. And if the listening lover believes that, they're a fool. No! Kidding! It's kind of inspiring, really.
8) Blind.
Another one for Elijah. "If I could tear you from the ceiling, I'd freeze us both in time and find a brand new way of seeing, your eyes forever glued to mine..."
9) Pierrot the Clown.
This song from the opening note puts me in a trance-like state of bittersweet nostalgia, and all those dreams we're afraid to let go of. But we don't have to let go of them. 'Pierrot' is an open invite for those dreams, or the people behind those dreams, to come and visit us when they get the chance, and maybe they'll rescue us. It's funny, how something can seem like complete shit while it's happening, and then when you look back on it, you miss it, because you're detached and can say, Well, that wasn't all THAT bad. And in some sick way, you want it back.
10) Broken Promise.
Ugly sentiments, anger, raging stupidly at things you may or may not be able to remedy through vengeance. A great way to vent, yes, but...Okay, another I'm dedicating to Levi. Heh. Sorry!
11) One of A Kind.
Coming to terms with the grass somehow always being greener, and yet finding comfort with yourself, despite other forces maybe trying to keep said comfort at a distance from you.
12) In the Cold Light of Morning.
Being homeless in NYC for three days! That's what this song reminds me of. Granted, I wasn't high, so it's not by-the-book relative to the lyrics, but the sentiment is the same. But, no, this song also reminds me of the many parties where I'd manage to trip into the bathroom wearing high heels, look at my face in the mirror, and drunkenly smile at my reflection, and wonder what the hell I had to smile about.
13) Song to Say Goodbye.
Someone's fucked you over and have been inconsistent and rude and thoughtless and somehow, you still want to save them when they've got nobody else. I don't know. I'm again picturing myself on the wrong side of this song, which...isn't exactly a good thing, per se. But I'm being honest.
OTHERS:
**Twenty Years.
It took me awhile to like this song. It wasn't an immediate love. Maybe because it was another one that worried me as to how long Placebo would remain together. I also used "doubt the trust" as my LJ name when unceremoniously 'dumped' by the friend I mentioned in 'You Don't Care About Us'
**I Do.
It's bordering on ridiculously happy, it's so secure and comfortable and hopelessly loving. It's amazing. And its bouncy music expresses that super-charged feeling of being with that one person every day, to the point of wanting to marry them, and yet every moment being new and exciting. It was described as Placebo's first real love song, and I have to agree with that. It's unlike anything they've done, and I think that's another part of its charm. Through the song we get to see a whole new side of Brian as a human, rather than Brian as Desperate And Depressed Emo Drunk Human. We get to see him happy, and I think that's what we really want, both for him, and for ourselves.
Well...that's that. Those are my musings, fangirl-isms, and painful realizations when it comes to the ways Placebo has affected me. I don't even care if I made a complete ass of myself in talking to Stefan, because it was an honest expression of how egregiously excited I was, just to be near them, and to be able to show them my appreciation for all they've done and are. I am as in love with them as I ever was, and never feel so at home as when I put in a Placebo CD. They've been with me through so much, and for that, I with all my 'bleeding heart' thank Steven Hewitt, Stefan Olsdal, and of course, the beautifully honest and fearlessly fearful Brian Molko.