bus ride
I want to throw it all away.
All of it.
Everything I love, everything I hate.
Every dream I've ever had, every guy I've ever liked.
Every fucking memory. I want it all gone.
I'll throw away what I love most - my friends
my family, my music, my morals.
Everything that makes me, me.
It's all dead to me.
Everything that is, was, or should be around me,
Every influence you all tried to make on me,
Fuck it. I don't need a single damn thing.
I know I sound mad. I know I sound mellow dramatic.
I know I sound like I'm out of my goddamned skull.
But this would be the one thing I could do, and I could do alone.
It would go against everything I've ever been taught, I've ever been given.
All these things around me, I mean, what good are they for?
They got me my name, my personality, my reputation?
What does it all amount to in the end? nothing.
Everything, it's all nothing. It doesn't mean a fucking thing to me.
Why should it?
I've taken the most out of life, and still I'm left with nothing.
Yesterday I was the most grateful person in the world.
Today I say fuck everything, idealistic, materialistic, everything.
I don't care if I'd die. I don't care if I'd suffer.
Maybe then I'd be suffering for a reason than to just sit in my room and cry
about nothing all night.
I've spent 16 years making use of it all,
my only other option than to keep it is to throw it all away.
Watch me waste my life. I dare you to try and fucking stop me.
No one fucking would. You'd sit around, tell me I've changed.
Tell me I'm different, that I'm not myself because I'd be acting on my OWN mind.
Tell me I'm out of your mind, out of your life, see if I care.
Tell me I'm worthless, I'll prove you right.
And maybe you don't know me as well as you thought you did.
Maybe I don't either.
Who's ever gonna fucking know? Who's ever gonna fucking care?!
No one. Nothing. Never.
Leave it all behind before life does it for you.
Everything is going fucking wrong.
No one dare tell me that it's all going to be fine.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and the rain will dry, I know,
It always does.
But it'll never get better. I'll never get used to it.
I'll never get over it.
I don't understand myself.
I just don't, and it scares me to death.
Today I met up with a girl who used to make fun of me all the time.
I've always had the dream of going up to her, of looking her straight in the face.
In elementary school, in middle school, I'd go to sleep hoping that one day I'd be different.
I'd be confident and tall, I'd see her one day. I'd look her in the eye,
and I'd tell her to fuck off, leave me a lone, I'd tell her to stop being a bitch.
I'd yell, I'd scream, maybe I'd even deck her, just to prove how much she's hurt my feelings.
But today, that wasn't the case.
I saw her and all the feelings rushed back to me.
Of being laughed at, of being made fun of, of being threatened.
It took every part of me to be strong, not to cry.
I let her smirk at me and make some comment about how she's surprised
that I'm still living, or something like that.
I guess I'm no where close the girl I've always dreamed to be.
I guess there are some things I'll never have the heart to do.
I was hurt again today, not sure why.
I see them walking all the time. Hugging,
giggling, holding hands, whispering in each others' ears.
I don't see why today was any different.
I sat on the bus and purposefully turned away so
I wouldn't see them pass.
Somehow, I caught them though. They were holding hands.
I thought to myself "Isn't that cute? They look so good together.
That's my friend with a girl that makes him happy.
I'm so happy for him." Still smiling,
I turned away from them, and in a split second my eyes
swelled up with tears. I must've looked damn happy smiling and
crying and all, but my tears weren't flooding with joy.
What makes me most angry at myself and depressed is that I finally feel hopeless.
I don't know why I cried. Guess I still have feelings? But I don't know what else to do.
I know blah blah blah some people you'll never get over.. but why not?
I've tried everything, I assume that what I've been saying in my head all along
about being happy for them and all.. guess that was all just forced opinions of my conscious,
when all along my subconscious had been falling apart.
But what more can I do? I've no purpose to act depressed about it,
It'll do nothing but make me appear weak.
So I suppose, I'll go on pretending.
Just, don't understand why I'm good enough one day, and worthless the next.
Don't know what I've done wrong to make him stop suddenly calling.
Wish he'd stop refusing to respond to my good wishes for him like he did just last month.
If only he knew how much it hurt sometimes to be there for him, to ask about this girl.
All I know is that, it wouldn't hurt so much if he could look me in the eye once in a while.
All of it.
Everything I love, everything I hate.
Every dream I've ever had, every guy I've ever liked.
Every fucking memory. I want it all gone.
I'll throw away what I love most - my friends
my family, my music, my morals.
Everything that makes me, me.
It's all dead to me.
Everything that is, was, or should be around me,
Every influence you all tried to make on me,
Fuck it. I don't need a single damn thing.
I know I sound mad. I know I sound mellow dramatic.
I know I sound like I'm out of my goddamned skull.
But this would be the one thing I could do, and I could do alone.
It would go against everything I've ever been taught, I've ever been given.
All these things around me, I mean, what good are they for?
They got me my name, my personality, my reputation?
What does it all amount to in the end? nothing.
Everything, it's all nothing. It doesn't mean a fucking thing to me.
Why should it?
I've taken the most out of life, and still I'm left with nothing.
Yesterday I was the most grateful person in the world.
Today I say fuck everything, idealistic, materialistic, everything.
I don't care if I'd die. I don't care if I'd suffer.
Maybe then I'd be suffering for a reason than to just sit in my room and cry
about nothing all night.
I've spent 16 years making use of it all,
my only other option than to keep it is to throw it all away.
Watch me waste my life. I dare you to try and fucking stop me.
No one fucking would. You'd sit around, tell me I've changed.
Tell me I'm different, that I'm not myself because I'd be acting on my OWN mind.
Tell me I'm out of your mind, out of your life, see if I care.
Tell me I'm worthless, I'll prove you right.
And maybe you don't know me as well as you thought you did.
Maybe I don't either.
Who's ever gonna fucking know? Who's ever gonna fucking care?!
No one. Nothing. Never.
Leave it all behind before life does it for you.
Everything is going fucking wrong.
No one dare tell me that it's all going to be fine.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and the rain will dry, I know,
It always does.
But it'll never get better. I'll never get used to it.
I'll never get over it.
I don't understand myself.
I just don't, and it scares me to death.
Today I met up with a girl who used to make fun of me all the time.
I've always had the dream of going up to her, of looking her straight in the face.
In elementary school, in middle school, I'd go to sleep hoping that one day I'd be different.
I'd be confident and tall, I'd see her one day. I'd look her in the eye,
and I'd tell her to fuck off, leave me a lone, I'd tell her to stop being a bitch.
I'd yell, I'd scream, maybe I'd even deck her, just to prove how much she's hurt my feelings.
But today, that wasn't the case.
I saw her and all the feelings rushed back to me.
Of being laughed at, of being made fun of, of being threatened.
It took every part of me to be strong, not to cry.
I let her smirk at me and make some comment about how she's surprised
that I'm still living, or something like that.
I guess I'm no where close the girl I've always dreamed to be.
I guess there are some things I'll never have the heart to do.
I was hurt again today, not sure why.
I see them walking all the time. Hugging,
giggling, holding hands, whispering in each others' ears.
I don't see why today was any different.
I sat on the bus and purposefully turned away so
I wouldn't see them pass.
Somehow, I caught them though. They were holding hands.
I thought to myself "Isn't that cute? They look so good together.
That's my friend with a girl that makes him happy.
I'm so happy for him." Still smiling,
I turned away from them, and in a split second my eyes
swelled up with tears. I must've looked damn happy smiling and
crying and all, but my tears weren't flooding with joy.
What makes me most angry at myself and depressed is that I finally feel hopeless.
I don't know why I cried. Guess I still have feelings? But I don't know what else to do.
I know blah blah blah some people you'll never get over.. but why not?
I've tried everything, I assume that what I've been saying in my head all along
about being happy for them and all.. guess that was all just forced opinions of my conscious,
when all along my subconscious had been falling apart.
But what more can I do? I've no purpose to act depressed about it,
It'll do nothing but make me appear weak.
So I suppose, I'll go on pretending.
Just, don't understand why I'm good enough one day, and worthless the next.
Don't know what I've done wrong to make him stop suddenly calling.
Wish he'd stop refusing to respond to my good wishes for him like he did just last month.
If only he knew how much it hurt sometimes to be there for him, to ask about this girl.
All I know is that, it wouldn't hurt so much if he could look me in the eye once in a while.