Just rambling.
Just me being emo. You can skip. Just need an outlet.
The thing I hate the most about being in the funk I've been in and out of is that I know I have no reason to be sad. I have two jobs. I don't really work all that much as it's spread out. I have a roof over my head, heat, food, and relative health. This is so much more than so many people have. It makes me feel like shit for being like I am.
And you know what sucks even more? I can't say I feel "depressed" because I just don't FEEL. Nothing makes me smile/happy for more than a few brief moments. I'm not exactly insanely sad either. It's just weird.
I just feel kind of useless. More and more every day. And when you feel like this it's hard to find motivation to be anything but. I need to contribute more to the house work. I need to get my driver's license. I should have had it years ago. Now it's holding me back and making me feel like a burden to my mother and a weakness at my job.
I feel inadequate at my new job. The kids obviously love/enjoy the old workers more than I. They get the kids better.
I need to be a better student.
I just... I feel useless. Period. I need to be more at everything. I need to not act like an emo teenager. I need to be more social. I need to grow up and get on with my life. I just... don't even know any more.
All I know is I'm annoying and boring. Some things about what make me these things don't bother me. Other things do.
I'm not looking for sympathy or pep talks. Like I said, I just need to let this out. It's been kept in for two-three weeks, even though this feeling has drifted in and out for a couple months now. I don't want to make anyone feel bad.
I think a couple days of being really productive would help. We'll see what I can get done tomorrow morning as mum's sleeping- I think I've already woken her up enough tonight. I'm not doing my homework because I may have to go into the building where I work two hours early so I can do my reading then if so. Yup.
I suppose I could watch my other lectures. Even if it will be my third time doing so as the early ones are always the same for these three core courses.
The thing I hate the most about being in the funk I've been in and out of is that I know I have no reason to be sad. I have two jobs. I don't really work all that much as it's spread out. I have a roof over my head, heat, food, and relative health. This is so much more than so many people have. It makes me feel like shit for being like I am.
And you know what sucks even more? I can't say I feel "depressed" because I just don't FEEL. Nothing makes me smile/happy for more than a few brief moments. I'm not exactly insanely sad either. It's just weird.
I just feel kind of useless. More and more every day. And when you feel like this it's hard to find motivation to be anything but. I need to contribute more to the house work. I need to get my driver's license. I should have had it years ago. Now it's holding me back and making me feel like a burden to my mother and a weakness at my job.
I feel inadequate at my new job. The kids obviously love/enjoy the old workers more than I. They get the kids better.
I need to be a better student.
I just... I feel useless. Period. I need to be more at everything. I need to not act like an emo teenager. I need to be more social. I need to grow up and get on with my life. I just... don't even know any more.
All I know is I'm annoying and boring. Some things about what make me these things don't bother me. Other things do.
I'm not looking for sympathy or pep talks. Like I said, I just need to let this out. It's been kept in for two-three weeks, even though this feeling has drifted in and out for a couple months now. I don't want to make anyone feel bad.
I think a couple days of being really productive would help. We'll see what I can get done tomorrow morning as mum's sleeping- I think I've already woken her up enough tonight. I'm not doing my homework because I may have to go into the building where I work two hours early so I can do my reading then if so. Yup.
I suppose I could watch my other lectures. Even if it will be my third time doing so as the early ones are always the same for these three core courses.