It's not just a disability thing for many controlling/narcissistic mothers.
Mine constantly pitted me against my father, then if she was mad at me she'd side with him so I'd get whacked around.
I found a GREAT program as a counsellor, like an MSW but a two year certificate. Same deal, she wouldn't sign for that. But of course it wasn't her way to outright refuse to do anything. It was much more subtle.
Her: "Why would you want to talk to people with 'problems'? They'll just bring you down?" Me: "I can help them because I've been through some of the same stuff." Her: "They'll just cause you nothing but grief, and you won't be able to sleep or eat or anything." Me: "They train you how to leave that stuff at work." Her: "Oh but YOU won't. You'll think about it over and over and over until it makes you sick." Me: "Well no I won't." Her: "You'd have to move to (x province) and be all alone and that would make you depressed." Me: "I think I'd be fine." Her: "You think you would but you just don't really know, and I know you. . .you'd never be able to finish this program and you'd be far away from home and then what?"
Yeah, like that. About pretty much ANYTHING I wanted to do that was not approved of.
I made up resumes, she wouldn't read them to help me figure out if they were good enough to apply for summer jobs. And wouldn't drive me to the summer jobs. And wouldn't let me use the family car for that purpose. And wouldn't let me use my bike to ride the six miles into town to have a summer job. How? She'd simply make sure these things were locked away so I could not physically access them. Generally though it was more subtle, passive agressive.
I remember once her and him didn't want me driving somewhere, so they backed my car up into a snowbank till it got stuck and I couldn't get it out. Or they'd hide my car keys.
And THEY wonder why I worry about being trapped any time I'm with THEM and don't have my own vehicle?
The Maternal Unit liked to pretend that she couldn't figure out why it was taking me five years to get my undergrad degree.
"I finished mine in 3.5 years!"
"Yes, but you had a car. You could drive."
During the school year I lived on campus. UH was about 40 mins from my parents' home. When she'd complain about "how long it was taking" for me to finish my degree, I'd say "Fine, let me go to summer school."
"But summer school is more expensive! Housing is more expensive during the summer. I'm not paying those outrageous rates just so you can finish early!"
"Okay, so can you drive me back and forth?"
"I get claustrophobic on freeways! I can't drive freeways! And your father has to work! If you think he's going to be able to take time out of his day just to shuttle you around, you seriously have another think coming, young lady!"
Nevermind the fact that *she* was the one pissing and moaning about "how long" it was taking me. So, once again, it's "damned if I do and damned if I don't". I never had any objections to summer school. I *wanted* to go, because if I *did* finish early, it would have been that much earlier (I hoped, at the time) I could get out from under her control. To this day, the Maternal Unit still doesn't see the irony in "I got my degree in 3.5 years by being a commuter student and going every summer!" and "Why is it taking *you* so long to finish *your* degree? You're just determined to make me waste more money on you, aren't you?"
I get it! And once I was finally out of 'the nest' I got "Why aren't you applying for jobs? Why aren't you working?" when I'd been just about scared into total frozen stillness about the whole process, thanks to her. After spending my whole life with them being told (and even now if I were to listen) all the stuff I 'couldn't handle' or 'couldn't do' it's amazing I ever did anything at all.
I honestly didn't really blossom and grow as a confident, self-assured person until I met hubby. He (and his family) taught me what "unconditional love" really means. I look back at the person I was then--as you say, "scared into total frozen stiffness"--and reflect on the person I am now, and I'm so thankful to have made it far enough that I did ultimately find light at the end of my long, dark, lonely tunnel.
I was out-and-out forbidden from having a job before I went to college.
That's something I regret to this day.
But with my mom, she sided with herself when she pitted me against my dad, saying how "your father" or "your daughter" did this or that which she didn't approve of. Things were just never her fault.
One of the harder things for me to learn was to take responsibility. I still have avoidance problems.
Oh yeah. I'm well familiar with the "your daughter" thing. At this point, my biological parents are egg/sperm donors, nothing more. And they still don't understand why.
Mine constantly pitted me against my father, then if she was mad at me she'd side with him so I'd get whacked around.
I found a GREAT program as a counsellor, like an MSW but a two year certificate. Same deal, she wouldn't sign for that. But of course it wasn't her way to outright refuse to do anything. It was much more subtle.
Her: "Why would you want to talk to people with 'problems'? They'll just bring you down?"
Me: "I can help them because I've been through some of the same stuff."
Her: "They'll just cause you nothing but grief, and you won't be able to sleep or eat or anything."
Me: "They train you how to leave that stuff at work."
Her: "Oh but YOU won't. You'll think about it over and over and over until it makes you sick."
Me: "Well no I won't."
Her: "You'd have to move to (x province) and be all alone and that would make you depressed."
Me: "I think I'd be fine."
Her: "You think you would but you just don't really know, and I know you. . .you'd never be able to finish this program and you'd be far away from home and then what?"
Yeah, like that. About pretty much ANYTHING I wanted to do that was not approved of.
I made up resumes, she wouldn't read them to help me figure out if they were good enough to apply for summer jobs. And wouldn't drive me to the summer jobs. And wouldn't let me use the family car for that purpose. And wouldn't let me use my bike to ride the six miles into town to have a summer job. How? She'd simply make sure these things were locked away so I could not physically access them. Generally though it was more subtle, passive agressive.
I remember once her and him didn't want me driving somewhere, so they backed my car up into a snowbank till it got stuck and I couldn't get it out. Or they'd hide my car keys.
And THEY wonder why I worry about being trapped any time I'm with THEM and don't have my own vehicle?
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"I finished mine in 3.5 years!"
"Yes, but you had a car. You could drive."
During the school year I lived on campus. UH was about 40 mins from my parents' home. When she'd complain about "how long it was taking" for me to finish my degree, I'd say "Fine, let me go to summer school."
"But summer school is more expensive! Housing is more expensive during the summer. I'm not paying those outrageous rates just so you can finish early!"
"Okay, so can you drive me back and forth?"
"I get claustrophobic on freeways! I can't drive freeways! And your father has to work! If you think he's going to be able to take time out of his day just to shuttle you around, you seriously have another think coming, young lady!"
Nevermind the fact that *she* was the one pissing and moaning about "how long" it was taking me. So, once again, it's "damned if I do and damned if I don't". I never had any objections to summer school. I *wanted* to go, because if I *did* finish early, it would have been that much earlier (I hoped, at the time) I could get out from under her control. To this day, the Maternal Unit still doesn't see the irony in "I got my degree in 3.5 years by being a commuter student and going every summer!" and "Why is it taking *you* so long to finish *your* degree? You're just determined to make me waste more money on you, aren't you?"
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That's something I regret to this day.
But with my mom, she sided with herself when she pitted me against my dad, saying how "your father" or "your daughter" did this or that which she didn't approve of. Things were just never her fault.
One of the harder things for me to learn was to take responsibility. I still have avoidance problems.
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