Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to Disasterpeice Theatre
So after mulling the issue about in my head for sometime, I've come to a very difficult decision which makes me feel as if I'm completely alienating myself from several years of my life which have come before now and several happy and several bittersweet memories. What is my decision? It can be articulated in one word: whatever.
Apathy does not come naturally to me and I'm a pretty nostalgic and sentimental bloke, as I'm sure many of you have gathered from my previous journal entries, so trying to let this go is...hm...I suppose I could compare it t when you've stabbed yourself with something and it's stuck under your skin. It hurts and it will continue to hurt, even though you may ignore it. You can relieve the pain by pulling it out, but that causes even more pain during the time you are doing it. Your body scolds you because it is unnatural for you to cause yourself more pain, but you have to pull it out so that the wound may heal.
That is what this is like. I'm not going to hold a grudge. And this is definitely not what I want. Even now I hate that this has happened. I wish it had not. However, I think it would be rather idiotic of me to wait around forever for her majesty to decide that she wants to see me again or answer her phone, perhaps so that I can assist her to set up another social gathering, cuz I'm just so good at that sort of thing; most likely that wouldn't happen anyway. Because I'm just ever-so-disposable. I don't even merit an explanation or a goodbye or whatever. This distance was not self-imposed. I'm merely trying to come to terms with what the other party has put into place. It's just not good for me and I'm tired of always being the support and never having support when I need it. Not even a gesture of common courtesy. A simple ring on the telephone or a short little e-mail reply. I don't know why I'm making this sound so much like a decision I've made, because I had very little to do with it.
Someday, maybe God will grant me another "best friend". Till then...I don't know.
I'm feeling somewhat bitter. Not angry really. I need to go to confession. I hate being bitter. Does the situation justify my feelings? I never trust my feelings anymore, because chances are, I've either made too little or too much out of the issue. Maybe I'm insane. Je ne sais pas.
Fin
Apathy does not come naturally to me and I'm a pretty nostalgic and sentimental bloke, as I'm sure many of you have gathered from my previous journal entries, so trying to let this go is...hm...I suppose I could compare it t when you've stabbed yourself with something and it's stuck under your skin. It hurts and it will continue to hurt, even though you may ignore it. You can relieve the pain by pulling it out, but that causes even more pain during the time you are doing it. Your body scolds you because it is unnatural for you to cause yourself more pain, but you have to pull it out so that the wound may heal.
That is what this is like. I'm not going to hold a grudge. And this is definitely not what I want. Even now I hate that this has happened. I wish it had not. However, I think it would be rather idiotic of me to wait around forever for her majesty to decide that she wants to see me again or answer her phone, perhaps so that I can assist her to set up another social gathering, cuz I'm just so good at that sort of thing; most likely that wouldn't happen anyway. Because I'm just ever-so-disposable. I don't even merit an explanation or a goodbye or whatever. This distance was not self-imposed. I'm merely trying to come to terms with what the other party has put into place. It's just not good for me and I'm tired of always being the support and never having support when I need it. Not even a gesture of common courtesy. A simple ring on the telephone or a short little e-mail reply. I don't know why I'm making this sound so much like a decision I've made, because I had very little to do with it.
Someday, maybe God will grant me another "best friend". Till then...I don't know.
I'm feeling somewhat bitter. Not angry really. I need to go to confession. I hate being bitter. Does the situation justify my feelings? I never trust my feelings anymore, because chances are, I've either made too little or too much out of the issue. Maybe I'm insane. Je ne sais pas.
Fin