(no subject)
I wish I had some better news. Something fun to write about. I hate that blogs or diaries of mine always seem to be a logbook of my depressed periods in life. ANd I wish I could follow that statement with something like 'but when I'm feeling really good, I never think about writing anything down'. I never have happy spells. Í'm eaither doing ok, or shit. I do a lot of nice things, and I have many great friends, but I NEVER feel 'YES! This is it, this is happyness, my life isat it's peak!' And why don't I? I have everything I need. I have much more than most people my age, maybe more than many peope in general. I have all the basics: love, friendships, a house, a lovely family. I do well at university and I don't have a lot of financial problems. I didn't know what to ask for my birthday, because I have everything I want.
It makes me feel guilty that all this still can't make me happy.
And it makes me realise that I really must be chronically depressed. That it might be inevitable that a lifetime of medication and therapy lies ahead of me. And on the one hand, I don't want that, but on the other, there seems no ther solution. I can't keep going like this, when there isn't a day that goes by in which I wished that I had never been born.
Of course I can't really share these feelings with Niki or my friends all the time, it would probably freak them out, and I don't want to talk about it al the time. I think I have to find a really good therapist.